Rules and Regulations
by Kitty O
Summary: LOL along with the whole crew through these sarcastic and witty one-shots. How can Camelot deal with Merlin playing a lyre, Arthur having a teddy bear, or everyone blurting out their secrets? Read and find out. S3 and S1 SPOILERS! NO slash! T for safety.
1. The Rules of Arthur

This morning, Arthur came into his room to find a letter lying on his bed. How did it get there? Who is this mysterious writer? Will she continue to terrorize Camelot with her sarcasm and wit? You bet. IT went as follows:

**The Rules of Arthur's Life, Which He Follows to the Letter and Would Never Even Think about Breaking**

I. Male Servants

One. Servants are servants are servants. There are no exceptions.

Two. So, if you follow rule one, there would never, ever be a need to risk your life for one.

Three. If you did feel the need to risk your life for some servant, it would be purely the magnanimous future King speaking, not some affection on your part.

Four. Since there is no affection, there is no friendship. Servants are never best friends to royalty.

Five. Do not talk to servants as though they are equal to you, because of course, they are not.

Six. Calling a servant an idiot is only allowed if you actually mean they are an "idiot" not "I was so worried about you for a moment there, because you are my friend." (Note: See rule 4)

Seven. Don't take Advice from servants. They are always wrong. Especially if their name begins with an "M" and ends with an "N".

Eight. If you begin to think a servant could be right, see rule 7.

Nine. Servants are incapable of being warlocks.

Ten. Never do what a servant who is your friend tells you to do because they are right, because they should not be giving advice in the first place. (See rules 1, 4, 7, 8, and 5.)

II. Female Servants

Eleven. See rule 1.

Twelve. Servant girls are not prettier than nobility.

Thirteen. Never sneak glances at servant girls, because the rule above makes it pointless.

Fourteen. Never sneak conversations with servant girls.

Fifteen. Never look at servant girls admiringly.

Sixteen. Always make sure servant girls have somewhere to sleep if you are forced to spend time in their house.

Seventeen. Never feel affection toward servant girls.

Eighteen. Never do a servant girl favors because you feel affection for them. If you believe you are in danger of this, see rule 17.

Nineteen. Don't be embarrassed around servant girls because you wonder what they think of you.

Twenty. Never, ever, ever, EVER catch your breath, forget what you're doing, let your heart beat faster, or feel your palms begin to sweat when the aforementioned girl walks into the room… because you aren't watching her walk in anyway. (See rule 13.)

III. Fathers

Twenty- One. Fathers are always right.

Twenty-Two. Fathers are never wrong.

Twenty-Three. If your father is the king, you are not to argue with his judgment calls.

Twenty-Four. If your father says magic is evil, never doubt that for even a split second.

Twenty-Five. If your father wants to burn servant girl from rules 11-20, don't argue with him. She isn't worth it. (See rules 23 and 17.)

Twenty-Six. If your father is being particularly stupid or cruel, you should definitely turn a blind eye. You should NOT do something stupid (For example, break a Druid boy out of jail).

Twenty-Seven. Never bother to tell your father that such-and-such (insert name) is not a sorcerer.

Twenty-Eight. If you have broken rule 27, give up after the first five times the plan blows up in your face.

Twenty-Nine. Never let yourself be convinced your father does not love you.

Thirty. If you are in a fanfic and have recently discovered that the servant from rules 1-10 is a warlock, never, ever, ever hide him from your father's unfair wrath. Let things alone. (See rules 1, 9, 22, 24…)

Thirty-One. Never think past what the world can do for you. If you find yourself in danger of not acting like a jerk to all you meet… see rules above.


	2. Advice to Gwen

_A/N: Well! Two reviews are not the most I have ever received, BUT they were probably the most heartening reviews ever gotten! So for all those who love a good joke, this is my continuation; another one-shot. This isn't a list of rules though; it's a letter. Enjoy. Review. Please tell me if you catch any mistakes. _

Dearest Guinevere,

How are you doing? I hope you are well; you are living in Camelot, where giant beasts attack at least once a week, so I can't just assume that. It has come to my attention that in certain areas of your life you could use some advice. That's what I'm here for.

First order of business: princes. They are off-limits, right? You said so yourself. "Nothing can ever be between you and me, Arthur." (In the first place, why don't you just accept it and move on? You're getting married. Read the legend.) Not to be critical, of course, Gwen, but you don't seem to be practicing what you are preaching. If he's "off-limits", then hugging him/ crying to him/ calling him by his first name seems a tad inappropriate. If you are totally NOT in a relationship, then scratching his donkey ears is an invasion of personal space.

(However, that last thing is completely understandable. They were cute donkey ears. They were fuzzy. I get it, truly I do.)

Second order of business: all the other guys. You're killing us here. It truly is amazing the male attention you receive, Gwen. Why is this? I'm as pretty as you (well… more or less)! Why don't I have ten million guys? Is it something about your clothes? Perhaps you need to cover up? Pull that lavender dress up higher, Gwen, dear? Or something else. First it was Merlin (thank heavens that died a merciful death – it would never have worked), then Lancelot, then Arthur, and that Gwaine seemed interested. Don't let the king know about all this. He'd probably think it was magic.

You know, maybe they would stop flirting with you if you'd stop playing hard-to-get. Then again, maybe not. It could just be a plot device in order to get you all ready for your infamous life of cheating on Arthur for Lance. (Or maybe you really don't want them? If so, can I have them? How about one? I'll take Arthur… or Gwaine… or Lancelot…)

Don't think I'm trying to interfere, dear, when I suggest that if you do like Lance better, perhaps marrying him and being faithful would make more sense than marrying Arthur and being unfaithful with Lancelot. I mean, he's a commoner. You're a commoner. And then I'd be free to take Arthur…

Speaking of guys: Gwen, I've noticed you seem to have a snow-white rep around Camelot. That's great. Wonderful. I applaud you. However… well, not to be indelicate, but you do realize that the more guys you let stay at your house because Merlin asked you to, the more in danger that reps going to be in? It kind of looks bad… On top of that, why don't they ever stay at his place? He has room! What, you don't need a bed and he does?

Let me see, what other advice have I for you?

Oh, yes. Morgana. Since you know her so well, and you two are friends and all… why the heck hasn't the penny dropped? She's treating you like dirt. Using magic. Meeting with evil half-sisters. Have you missed the evil little smirks she keeps shooting at both Merlin and empty space? I'll spell it out for you, really clearly. She. Is. An. Evil. Sorceress. Who. Is. Bent. Upon. The. Destruction. Of. Camelot. Slow enough for you? Good, now that you get that point, go run and tell someone. But not Uther. He'd never believe you.

Before you go, and speaking of missing things, number four on my list: Merlin. I'm not sure how many times he's saved your life, gone to jail for sorcery, used magic JUST outside of where you can see him, or had a suspiciously lame excuse for some unnatural event? Come now, Gwen, I know you're turning a blind eye for the sake of the plot, but this is getting ridiculous. We would all thank you if you would just be like, "Merlin! My friend! Tell me, is it true that you are an all-powerful warlock referred to as Emyrs who has a great destiny?" He could reply, "Yep."

I do believe that's all. I will see you in the next episode, and hopefully you will have taken my advice.

Sincerely and with the greatest admiration,

Kitty O.


	3. Arthur and Merlin read a Fanfic Story

WARNING: By reading past the 'warning' section of this, you are agreeing that you DO have a sense of humor, and hopefully a well-formed one. In other words, you will not attack Kitty O. with either sticks or stones should she poke innocent fun at slash, and perhaps fanfics in general. Nothing extreme, just what Arthur and Merlin would probably say if they received a fanfiction story. Don't get nasty on her, though reviews (including ones that say 'This is dumb') are welcome. Remember, Kitty is not making fun of any story in particular. She's just being random.

_(When the scene opens, Arthur is sitting at a desk in his room, reading through some important looking papers. Merlin stands at the other end of the room, behind Arthur's bed, and has just opened a scroll, which he glances over. He moans as though in pain.)_

**Arthur:** _(looks up)_ What is it?

**Merlin:** _(With dread)_ It's bad, that's what it is.

**Arthur:** Merlin… you know you aren't supposed to read my papers, right?

**Merlin:** This isn't just for you! I'm allowed to read this!

_(He looks over it again, face tightening. Arthur watches him for a minute and begins to grow worried.)_

**Arthur:** Merlin, what is it? Bad news? Is it something at home?

_(Merlin shakes his head. Arthur stands up and tries to angle his head in a way so that he can read the paper from across the room. It doesn't work.)_

**Arthur:** Is it Gwen? Is someone sick?

**Merlin:** _(darkly) _Worse.

**Arthur:** What, is Camelot about to fall?

**Merlin:** Perhaps worse than that.

_(He strolls over to Arthur's desk and, probably for dramatic effect, tossing the scroll down on the desk as though he is disgusted with it.)_

**Merlin:** It's… fanfiction.

**Arthur:** _(in horror, sitting back down suddenly)_ Fanfiction? Again?

**Merlin:** Looks like it. More fanfiction.

**Arthur:** I wish people would stop sending this!

**Merlin:** Well… we don't have to read it.

**Arthur:** _(with relief)_ Yeah, we don't have to read it.

**Merlin:** I mean, it's probably really stupid anyway.

**Arthur:** Probably. We just won't read it.

_(There is a moment of complete silence, with just the fire crackling in the grate.)_

**Arthur:** _(suddenly)_ Are you as curious as I am?

**Merlin:** More so.

_(Merlin makes a grab for the scroll, but Arthur beats him to it, leaning back in his chair so Merlin can't reach it over the desk. He opens the scroll and begins to peruse it, looking interested.)_

**Merlin: **What's it say?

**Arthur:** Promising title, that… That's very good.

**Merlin:** Is it well written?

**Arthur:** Little over done, nothing a bit of practice and a creative writing class won't fix…

**Merlin:** _(curious)_ C'mon, Arthur, I'm dying here! What's happening?

**Arthur:** _(still reading)_ Nothing big, nothing really… Just some pointless descriptions and… Oh! _(Way too excited)_You just got your chest sliced open!

**Merlin:** I did? Is it… is it deep? Am I alive? How'd it happen?

**Arthur:** The usual way— your idiocy. You were facing down Morgana. Now you're screaming. A lot.

**Merlin:** So I am alive.

**Arthur:** You're still screaming. And _(looks down paper a bit)_ still screaming. Now we have a very vivid description of the agony you're feeling…Wow, Merlin, I didn't know you knew such words.

**Merlin:** Where are you?

**Arthur:** _(looks up, annoyed)_ Well, I don't know where I am! I haven't entered the story yet! I'll check.

_(Arthur stops commenting to Merlin and begins to scan the scroll in silence. Merlin tries to wait patiently while doing a little dance, and at last he can't stand it. He nearly throws himself over the desk and grabs the paper away from Arthur, then he retreats, victorious.)_

**Arthur:** Hey, give that back, Merlin! _(Stands up and goes for Merlin)_ Give it to me!

**Merlin:** _(flippantly)_ Shut up and sit down or I'll put a spell on you, Arthur.

**Arthur:** Fine, fine. What's happening?

**Merlin:** _(reads as he speaks)_ I'm screaming… and bleeding. _(Goes a little pale)_ Oh, yuck, this is major gross. What is this stuff rated? _(Checks top of paper) _T? There is no way this should be rated T! There is just no way!

**Arthur:** Merlin, move on! I want to know what's happening.

**Merlin:** Well, Morgana's smirking…

**Arthur:** That goes without saying.

**Merlin:** Why don't I just use my magic to fix this?

**Arthur:** _(as though Merlin is stupid.)_ Because, stupid, no one is supposed to know about your magic. It's a secret. Even I, your closest friend, don't know about it. Besides, if you used it now, it would nullify the plot, so shut up and read!

_(Merlin begins to pace the room, biting his lip as he reads and comments.)_

**Merlin:** This is really, really gross. Like not suitable for kids.

**Arthur:** Merlin, you are such a girl's petticoat.

**Merlin:** _(ignores Arthur)_ Finally! There you are, running to the rescue. Took you long enough, you dollop-head.

**Arthur:** What am I doing?

**Merlin:** Screaming words of some kind… I'm too out of it to tell. Oh, wait, I fainted. Finally. Scene break. _(Here he pauses for dramatic effect.)_

**Arthur:** _(impatiently)_ Well? What's the next scene?

**Merlin:** Hold on… I'm… I'm waking up.

**Arthur:** What predictable writing…

**Merlin:** Well, I have to wake up… It's told in first person…

**Arthur:** So what's happening?

**Merlin:** You're there… and we're talking… and we're saying that…. Oh.

_(Merlin stops talking as though he's received a shock. He goes a pasty white and rolls up the scroll, no longer reading.)_

**Arthur:** What?

**Merlin:** They should say something in an Author's Note at the beginning if they're going to do that… those stupid writers… yuck!

**Arthur:** _(bewildered)_ Do what? Give me that scroll!

_(Looking disgusted, Merlin tosses the scroll back on the desk. Arthur reaches for it, but Merlin's ominous words make him stop.)_

**Merlin:** It's slash.

**Arthur:** Merthur?

**Merlin:** Yeah.

**Arthur:** Oh… but… I'm still curious as to what happens.

**Merlin:** _(as he speaks, he looks Arthur up and down once, then shudders)_ Don't read it, Arthur. It will give you nightmares… again.

**Arthur:** What do you mean, again? I don't get nightmares!

**Merlin:** You did last time you read one of these!

**Arthur:** I did not! And I'll prove it! I'm going to read this, and then you'll see! _(He picks up the scroll and holds it aloft, waving it.)_

**Merlin:** No, I won't. I'm leaving!

_(Scene break. It is about an hour later; Merlin walks back into Arthur's room and finds Arthur staring at the wall, his face totally empty. Merlin approaches softly.)_

**Merlin:** Arthur? How was it?

**Arthur:** _(In a dazed voice) _The plot was weak, the romance unbelievable, though the story itself was good, I suppose… and I won't have nightmares.

**Merlin:** That's… that's good…

**Arthur:** I won't have nightmares because I won't be sleeping tonight.

**Merlin:** _(sympathetically)_ Ooh… Sorry.

**Arthur:** That should_ not_ have been rated T…

**Merlin:** _(after a moment's deliberation)_ You know what, Arthur? I'm going to go get Mr. Bobo and your baby blanket… That should help.

**Arthur:** _(still dazed)_ Merlin, it's been years since I even saw them… I haven't needed their comfort since I was 8.

**Merlin:** _(wisely)_ You haven't been this traumatized since you were 8, Sire.

_(Arthur turns and looks at Merlin solemnly for a moment.)_

**Arthur:** Thank you, Merlin. You just might be right about that…

_End._


	4. Merlin Fesses Up

_A/N: Not my funniest, but please forgive me; the rest should be better. And bless all of you who reviewed; this is my best accepted fic ever! I guess people really do love to laugh! Also, I got added to a community! This might not be a big deal, but it is to me! Yay!_

"Arthur, I'm a warlock."

Arthur looked up from the boots he was struggling with and into Merlin's serious face.

"What?"

"I'm a warlock."

"…WHAT?"

Merlin looked puzzled. "Arthur, is there something wrong with your hearing? I'm a warlock, okay? Like, I do magic and stuff."

Quickly recovering, Arthur said, "No, Merlin, you can't have a vacation if you act crazy."

"I'm serious."

"You're crazy. I take it back; have your vacation."

Merlin had had enough of that. If the look Arthur was giving him was any indication, they could be arguing for hours over whether or not he was a warlock. But this was a one-shot; Merlin had no time for fighting. Taking a deep breath, he calmly announced, "ARTHUR PENDRAGON, I AM AN EVER-LOVING WARLOCK, SO STOP DENYING IT!"

Arthur stared at him, bewildered. "If you are a warlock, why are you telling me? Most likely I'll run to my father and arrest you and then have you executed. Telling me is a very dumb thing to do—so why_ are_ you telling me?"

Merlin shrugged, saying in a zoned-out voice, "Kitty O told me to."

There was a moment of silence. "Who?"

"Kitty O."

"I… don't know a Kitty O."

"That's not her real name, of course. Her real name is **********." _(A/N: Sorry, peoples, but that's censored.)_

"I don't know a **********, either. ********** isn't even a name. Come to think of it, it isn't a sound either. I don't even know how I'm saying it out loud since ********** is just a bunch of stars and junk…"

"She's talented and smart and funny and is now writing this fanfiction instead of her own story with more original characters," he said in the same dreamy voice.

"Why'd she tell you to do a stupid thing like fess up about your warlock-ness?" asked the nonplussed Arthur.

"Comedic purposes," said Merlin, suddenly all-business. "She likes funny things. This isn't even the only humorous story she's ever written. She also wrote a cute one-shot called _Apology_, in which you apologize for arresting me. Another story she's still working on is called _Scheming Woman_. It's a little more serious… I get to cry and fall in love and stuff. There's more, of course, which can be easily found on her profile. You should really check them out, Arthur."

"Merlin… I don't have a fanfiction account… and… Aren't we getting a little off-topic here?" demanded Arthur, not knowing how else to reply to Kitty O's obvious attempt to get more readers. He was a little shocked at her brazenness. "What were we even talking about anyway?"

"I'm a warlock," supplied Merlin.

"Liar!" said Arthur, heart breaking, tears filling his eyes at the betrayal. "I trusted you!"

"Don't cry, Sire, although I know it's hard for you to accept that you are a total idiot and never once even suspected that your manservant of magic even though he… uh, I… used it right in front of you 1, 053 times… at my last count. I also know it's hard for you to realize that I may look like an idiot, but I'm really smart enough to hide this from you for years and you never once even noticed that I was hiding anything…"

"Merlin, shut up."

"Yes, Sire."

Arthur furrowed his brow, trying to remember where he had been in his betrayal speech. "Where was I?"

"'I trusted you.'" supplied Merlin.

"Well, I did! I should arrest you!"

Merlin nodded, his beautiful blue eyes calm. "Yes. You should."

"And I will!" cried Arthur valiantly.

"No, you won't."

"Why not?"

Merlin sighed. Now he would have to go into a long explanation about why Arthur should let him go, because Arthur was too thick to see these reasons for himself. Speaking quickly, so as to finish faster, he replied with a disastrous run-on sentence which made Kitty O's teeth grind together. Because Kitty O could not make herself keep the run-on sentence, she erased it and re-wrote it in many littler sentences. "Because I saved your life ten-million times. Plus, there's that whole destiny thing, and you need me to fulfill it. And then there is Kitty O, who's writing this, and would kill you slowly and painfully if you had me executed. On top of that, I'm so cute that even you would feel bad if you hurt me… I mean, look at these adorable ears. Also, if I did die, I'd be so scared and you'd be grieved and guilty, dying slowly from the inside. Then this fic would take a really dark turn and could no longer be classified under 'humor'."

"This particular chapter of the fic is so stupid and non-funny, it shouldn't be classified as humor anyway!" _(A/N: Shut up, Arty. Just shut up! You know what? Non-funny isn't even a word! Yeah. I. Went. There. )_

Suddenly furious, Merlin straightened his back. "You dare insult her!"

"Who?"

"My love, my life, my lady, Kitty O!" _(A/N: Eat your heart out, fangirls. He wants me! Eep! I'm his lady!)_

"I did not insult her," insisted Arthur. "I just said her fiction wasn't funny!"

"How dare you insult her again!" cried Merlin, whose voice suddenly got strangely and suspiciously deeper. "I challengeth thee, Arthur, to a duel over my lady's honor!"

"Merlin."

"Yes?"

"Shut up, you stupid warlock. I'm trying to think. You make a very valid point… mostly. For once. What am I going to do? I can't very well kill you when I need you to fulfill my destiny. Also, like you said, it would ruin the fic… more than it's already ruined. _(A/N: Shut up, you stinking Neanderthal!)_On top of that, if I killed you, what would happen to the other fanfictions out there? They would all be destroyed! We would have a riot on our hands! What can I do?"

Merlin thought about it. "Since the fanfic is almost over anyway, I guess I could ask my lady if she would kindly erase it from your memory. Perhaps if I promised her a cookie, she would make you forget we ever discussed this. If this indeed can be classified a discussion."

Arthur's eyes were suddenly clouded as he looked up and asked, "What discussion? What are you talking about?"

_A/N: I'm sorry, but who can resist a cookie?_


	5. Memos

When the characters of our favorite TV show came home tonight, they all found memos from me. Try to guess which is which (should be easy). It might not be as flat-out funny as the rest of this fic, but I hope it's still amusing.

* * *

ONE

It has not escaped my notice that you seem to be getting almost ruthless of late, my dear. Killing women is not okay, hun, though I suppose that when they are attacking you and trying to take over Camelot, it's almost okay. Almost. But not quite. So please, if you could manage to stop blowing women up, I would appreciate it. If you don't, we might have to break up. That would be sad.

With love,

Kitty O

* * *

TWO

It's my sad duty to inform you that if you do not stop smirking every other second, you will be found out. Then you will be killed. If you are not found out by the stupid, unobservant nobles, I will be forced to go ninja-mode and assassinate you. And believe me, I do hate when I am forced to assassinate people. It's very sad. Besides, Merlin likes you (don't know why), and I'd hate to hurt him; he's cuter than you! (SO HAH!)

Your once-upon-a-time fan,

Kitty O

* * *

THREE  
I think you've stolen my heart. Don't ask me how, or why, because you are a total jerk that deserves death. (scratch that, you deserve DEATH… much cooler type of death.)But somehow, in between insisting people marry clumsy-frizzy-haired girls and sentencing innocent people to death, you were just caring enough to steal my heart. So now here I am, betraying Merlin's trust by thinking you're awesome, and letting you know that even though I love you… DO ONE MORE BAD THING AND I WILL KILL YOU…or I'll just let Morgana do it. Whichever is easier— because frankly she stinks at murder, so it might be easier to kill you myself!

Loving/Hating you,

Your secret admirer (eh…More or Less)

* * *

FOUR

One itty, bitty thing I ask of you—that is, next time something mysterious happens, something unexplainable, something that makes your beautiful blonde self go, "Huh?"… Turn around. That's it. Seriously, just turn around. You might find something really surprising… For example, a wonderfully loyal and sweet manservant (who tends to blow up women more than is necessary), holding out his hand in an oh-so-attractive way and whispering words while his eyes flash a gorgeous gold. (Okay, that's what I'd see. What you would see would be almost the same thing—but with less excessively flattering adjectives!)

Sincerely,

The future Mrs. Merlin (AKA, Kitty O)

* * *

FIVE

Oh, come now. You are not seriously (seriously!) going to go through the entire episode 3x06, looking longingly at Arthur every other second, sighing while he almost marries someone else, AND THEN NOT KISS HIM? AT ALL? I don't believe it! I mean, there were about 10 million chances in that episode to lay one on him! GAH! You sicken me! Also, I've officially decided, I love you and Arthur as a couple, so if you DARE to cheat on him with Lance, then I will have to add you to my ever-growing kill-list. You will be near the top.

With hope for a better future,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Advice Giver (AKA, Kitty O)

* * *

_A/N: That's all. Actually I'm kinda considering one of these chapters where I use the name of another fanfiction-er. I'll only use the name, so are any of my regular or semi-regular reviewers interested in being mentioned?_

_Also, guess what? This is officially my most popular story in alerts, likes, and hits…and it's catching up on reviews. Please review!_


	6. The Camelotian

_A/N: Okay, __**scientia-potentia-est**__**, **__you get the offered spot in my fic. __**Sarahluvsdwrh**__**, **__I am thinking up a spot for you… As a matter of fact, that fixes some things. _

**Explanation**

I feel I owe readers a bit of an explanation. Though I call this a series of one-shots, it isn't exactly. No, there is a plot—a secret writer bombards Camelot with her sarcasm. Though the chapters can be read separately, I assure you that they will all tie together in the end! *cackles evilly* I promise. And **********'s word is her sacred bond! I won't be in all the rest of the chapters, but now that I've been introduced to the story, I will pop up from time to time.

**Last Chapter Answers**

Before I move on to the next little story, I think I'll give you the responses I received for my little memos. Merlin got ONE, and he immediately rushed to my side, all puppy-dog eyes (be still my heart!), and begged my forgiveness. Other fans will be pleased to hear that he has agreed not to blow up any more women. Help me watch him and keep him in line, peoples! When Morgana received TWO, she… smirked. Then, she cried. I don't know whether to feel triumphant or defeated. So I took action (you'll see in a minute). THREE was waiting for Uther in his rooms. He doubled his guard, and now walks around with ten of the useless lumps. I'm not a stalker, Uther, just a would-be assassin! Arthur got FOUR, read it, scratched his head, and at last threw it away, unable to comprehend it. After reading FIVE, Gwen ran through the streets up to the castle, found a certain blonde prince, and kissed him quite excitedly. SUCCESS!

_In today's story: Kitty O, the crazed writer, has struck again. Or has she? This is an article I clipped out of _**The Camelotian**_, Camelot's most-read newspaper._

**FORBIDDEN LOVE?**

-written by Paige Turner and Cliff Hangar

Is the Lady Morgana having a love affair with a mere servant? Sources say that when the alarm was raised last night, a servant was suspiciously found in her chambers. How shocking, seemed to be the court's opinion, but Merlin, the servant in question, denied everything.

"I wasn't there as a lover," he insisted to reporter Paige Turner. "I was trying to stop a murder, actually."

When Turner asked him what he meant, he quickly explained his reasons: A mystery girl (he called her just "she") had broken into the rooms, planning to assassinate her. Merlin just found out in time and rushed to the Lady Morgana's aid.

"I don't know if it's true or not," explained Morgana to the reporter. "I was sleeping. I suppose it is possible; I mean, Merlin seems to be awfully forgiving toward me, even though I keep trying to kill him painfully. If he did save my life, though, I'm still going to hate him like I've been doing. One, I'm evil. Two, if I forgave him, the plot would go bye-bye."

But reporter Paige Turner thought this might all be a distraction from the awful truth: Morgana had fallen in love with a mere servant, something forbidden in Camelot for the past two hundred years.

Then, something happened that changed Turner's mind. A mysterious, awesome, talented girl popped up near reporter Cliff Hangar and gave the following story: "It's true, all of what Merlin says. I was the one who tried to kill Morgana." She claimed that her name was allegedly Kitty O, and that she had snapped after watching Morgana smirk. She had gone after the Lady Morgana, but made sure that Merlin learned of it so that he could stop her just in time. She claimed to have done this so she "could have a story", and because Merlin was just too cute when he was saving lives.

When Hangar tried to question her more thoroughly, Kitty O disappeared into the night.

This isn't the first time Kitty O has been seen in Camelot, causing mayhem everywhere she goes. No one seems to know her or her real name. She seems to have access to every building and street, and claims to be "The Writer". King Uther has not heard of her yet, and the rest of the royal family is trying to deny she exists, but the rest of Camelot is constantly on the watch out for her and her biting satire.

When will she strike again, this Kitty O? Camelot waits with baited breath.

_A/N: Reviews make the crazed writer update faster! Also, I love those who give me ideas when I am running short... And one more thing. I'm taking a poll. Do the readers prefer chapters with me seen/mentioned, or when I'm nowhere in sight? Please answer, it will affect how my story goes. _


	7. I Don't Even Know My Last Name

_A/N: This is a really random chapter (well, more random than usual) and doesn't have much to do with the "plot" (for lack of a better word). I just wanted to bring some good stupid moments into this fic. Besides, I think it's a valid point. Also, I loved the script format too much, so I did it again. Thanks for all the reviewing; I was shocked to get 24 reviews in two days, but it was a wonderful kind of shock. Shock me again! Note: I'm not in this chapter, exactly, but I'm mentioned in the beginning. The title comes from Carrie Underwood's song "Last Name"._

_(Scene opens in Arthur's bedroom. Arthur's not doing much, as per usual, but Merlin is walking around the room nervously, as though something extremely serious is preying on his mind.)_

**Merlin:** Harrumph.

_(Arthur starts to look up and stops himself.)_

**Merlin: **Harrumph harrumph.

_(This time Arthur, not wanting to ask, ignores him.)_

**Merlin: **I said, harrumph.

_(Arthur sighs and continues to flip through a copy of __**The Camelotian**__. There is a picture on the front, a silhouette of a girl covered by a question mark. It reads: WHO IS THE MYSTERY WRITER?)_

**Merlin: **_(softly, to himself)_ For goodness sake. _(loudly)_ HARRUMPH!

_(Arthur decides he can't ignore this any more and looks up, as though he had just noticed Merlin's harrumphs.)_

**Arthur: **Something wrong, Merlin?

**Merlin:** Yes, there most certainly is.

**Arthur:** If it's the mystery girl again, I don't want to hear about it. Honestly, she isn't the best you can do. _**(A/N: I beg your pardon? What do you mean by that?)**_

**Merlin:** What do you mean by that?

**Arthur:** She's not the hottest fish in the bowl. Not the most scrumptious cookie in the jar. _**(A/N: And this is the part where Kitty O stops writing this chapter and goes to write out Arthur's most gruesome death scene. Look for it soon, readers.)**_

**Merlin:** You don't even know her!

**Arthur:** I saw her the night when she tried to kill Morgana. Like I said, not the most—

**Merlin:** _(suddenly)_ Arthur, if you don't shut up, she'll make me challenge you to a duel again. Besides, it isn't her looks I like. There's something else, something deeper…

**Arthur:** _(confused)_ Deeper? Such as?

**Merlin:** Such as the fact that she's writing the story and gets to decide how I feel about her. So if she says I'm madly in love _(shrugs) _then get out my lyre.

**Arthur:** Wait. You have a lyre?

**Merlin:** _(snorts)_ No, I wish. But that isn't what I'm harrumphing about. This chapter isn't about Kitty O.

**Arthur:** Well, then. What are you harrumphing about?

**Merlin:** It just hit me, so I was thinking about it.

**Arthur:** What is it?

**Merlin:** You know, it makes me mad. Truly. It's just not fair.

**Arthur:** _(eagerly)_ What?

**Merlin:** It borders on inhuman, actually. It is just simply infuriating!

**Arthur:** What is?

**Merlin:** I mean, how would you feel in my position, if you had to deal with this—?

**Arthur:** MERLIN! Shut. Up. And tell me the problem.

**Merlin:** How can I shut up AND tell you the problem?

**Arthur:** Well… I mean… shut up about complaining… and talk about the problem you have.

**Merlin:** Talking about the problem is complaining.

**Arthur:** Do I need to throw something at you? Because I will. With pleasure.

**Merlin:** Nah, I'm just stalling for the sake of having a longer script. I'm also kinda hoping to drag a few more smiles out of the readers. Anyway, my problem is my name.

**Arthur:** _(pauses)_ Your name? You don't like the name 'Merlin'?

**Merlin:** Nah, that's fine. As a matter of fact, Merlin is an incredible name. How would the Americans put it? Beast.

**Arthur:** The who?

**Merlin:** Americans. They haven't been invented yet. _**(A/N: OMG! I'm not invented yet? Do you know what this means? Who's gonna have my rare collection of marbles? Who will there be to eat cheeseburgers? GAH!)**_

**Arthur: **Well what's the problem then?

**Merlin:** It's the other part of my name.

**Arthur:** Merlin… there is no other part of your name.

**Merlin:** _(excitedly)_ EXACTLY! You're Arthur Pendragon, there's Uther Pendragon, and Morgana le Faye… even Gwen will someday be Guinevere Pendragon. Then there's Merlin. I deserve a last name too, I think!

**Arthur:** But… Merlin, come on… You're a legend. Why does a legend need a last name?

**Merlin:** _(shakily)_ You don't know what its like to be denied a surname, Arthur! You just don't know! You don't understand! _(Unexpectedly burst into tears and hides his face in his hands, looking very pathetic and moving.)_

**Arthur:** Wow. If you feel that way about it, I'm sure we can think up a last name for you, Merlin!

**Merlin:** _(looks up)_ We can? Is that legal?

**Arthur:** Is magic legal? Yet you use it.

**Merlin:** That's a very good point. But you aren't supposed to know that.

**Arthur:** Why not?

**Merlin:** I think it's the dramatic irony… In other words, the viewers know I have magic, but you don't. You can't learn, either, not yet.

**Arthur:** But they must think I'm a real idiot. How long must we keep this charade up?

**Merlin:** Think of it this way. The longer you are kept in the dark, the longer the show continues. The longer the show continues, the longer you get paid.

**Arthur:** _(after a pause)_ I say we turn off all the lights, then. But seriously, I thought you already told me about your powers.

**Merlin:** We erased your memory, remember?

**Arthur:** Of course I don't remember… duh. It's erased. But I digress. What last name do you like?

**Merlin:** _(brightly)_ Pendragon!

**Arthur:** No, Merlin. That's mine.

**Merlin:** I want it.

**Arthur:** You can't have it.

**Merlin:** But it's such a fun word to say… Besides, it has 'dragon' in it. And I'm a dragonlord! Get it?

**Arthur:** You cannot have my last name, Merlin. That would be strange. You're giving the slashers ideas!

**Merlin:** Ooh... right... not Pendragon.

**Arthur: **How about whatever Gaius's last name is?

**Merlin:** They don't give him a name. In the show, writers try to avoid last names. Luckily, those of us who are in the actual legend already have last names… except in my case.

**Arthur:** How about… Johnson.

**Merlin:** Dad's name was Balinor, not John.

**Arthur:** Smith?

**Merlin:** _(sings)_ Boor-ring! _(speaks)_ How about… Merlin the Coolest? _(puts his hand in a gun shape and pretends to blow the 'smoke' lightly away from the 'top of the gun')_

**Arthur:** Merlin, we're not in the 21st century. The word cool is not used the same way. Do you want to sound like a block of ice?

**Merlin:** Heavens no. Who do you think I am? Edward Cullen? How about Merlin the Awesome?

**Arthur:** I don't think we use 'awesome' that way either. Awesome doesn't mean… er, cool… it means, godlike.

**Merlin:** I'm not godlike?

**Arthur:** _(snorts)_ Don't make me laugh!

**Merlin:** Okay… You think of one, if all you're gonna do is shoot down my ideas.

**Arthur:** Merlin Emyrs.

**Merlin:** Aw, no. That's cheating. It's already my name… but… not. Wait. That's actually kind of… kind of… what's the word?

**Arthur:** Cool.

**Merlin:** Yeah. Cool. Groovy. Awesome. Beast-like. Hip. Marvelous. Fantastic. Splendiferous.

**Arthur:** Splendiferous?

**Merlin:** Yeah, it's Kitty O's favorite word.

**Arthur:** Well that's good then. I guess we're done here.

**Merlin:** _(after a second) _Yeah…

_(Arthur returns to reading, and Merlin stares at him. They stand here for a very awkward moment, in which all background music should be turned off in order to complement the awkwardness. Arthur pretends not to notice Merlin's stare, but he keeps shifting. Like a hawk, Merlin remains perfectly still. Eventually Arthur looks up at him, annoyed.)_

**Arthur: **What?

**Merlin:** Nothing… I'm waiting for the one-shot to end.

**Arthur:** It isn't over?

**Merlin:** Nope. People are still reading this.

**Arthur:** _(nervously)_ Is it my line?

**Merlin:** No… but it isn't mine. We're no longer being fed dialogue. Maybe Kitty O left Word open or something.

**Arthur:** That's the dumbest thing I've heard all day.

**Merlin:** Really? Because not ten minutes ago I told you I was in love with a girl because of her literary powers.

**Arthur:** _(pauses and thinks about it)_ Okay, that's the second dumbest thing I've heard all day, then. What should we do until she ends the story?

**Merlin:** Did you know that unless you're double-jointed, you can't lick your elbow? It's not possible!

**Arthur:** Really? _(He stands and drops __**The Camelotian**__, trying fruitlessly to pull his elbow up to his mouth. We spend the next few minutes in helpless laughter, tears running down our cheeks, as Arthur dances in a silly circle and attempts to lick his elbow.)_ You're right!

**Merlin:** _(smothers his laughter)_ Yeah. Also, try to say 'Irish wristwatch' fast.

**Arthur:** Okay… Irish wriswatsh… Irich wrichwatch… Iriss wrisswatss…. Wow that's hard! Irish wristwatch! Got it! _(smug)_ How long did that take you to master?

**Merlin:** About a half second. I'm Irish, remember?

**Arthur:** No, you aren't.

**Merlin:** I'm not? Oh, yeah, I forgot I was Merlin at the moment… Well, we need something else to talk about now…

**Arthur:** I've got nothing.

**Merlin:** OOH! Did you know that I kissed Gwen long before you took notice of her?

**Arthur:** _(deadly silent and then…)_ What?

**Merlin:** It's true. She kissed me after I woke up from the poison. Remember?

**Arthur:** _(flushing)_ I knew I shouldn't have gotten that antidote.

_(He stands up and slowly inches his way toward Merlin, while Merlin, oblivious to peril, talks on.)_

**Merlin:** _(ad lib) _Yeah, I never mentioned it to you earlier, but it was way back in the first season… Of course, she wouldn't have been interested in me but for the fact that you put me in the stocks when I stood up to you… So really it's all thanks to you. _(Suddenly he catches sight of Arthur.) _Oh, dear! Wait, Arthur, it didn't last very long! I mean, uh… nothing really happened and…

_(Arthur continues to come forward.)_

**Merlin: **Kitty O! Kitty! Kit! **********! Help! Help! Mayday! End the one-shot NOW, Kitty, end it NOW… as in RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT! HEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPP!

_**End… of this chapter. **_

_A/N: Okay, admit it if you A) tried to lick your elbow B) said "Irish wristwatch" or C) both. Also, I must credit Arthur's "she's not the most…" jokes to my two good friends who have the strangest conversations. I hope it dragged a few smiles from you. _


	8. Ode to Mr Bobo OR Sweet Revenge

_(A/N: I suppose you are all waiting for my revenge for Arthur's nasty comments last chapter. I decided not to kill him gruesomely. I thought of something much meaner. Enjoy and review. Every four lines is a new stanza, but the stupid site won't let it look right. ) _

**Ode to Mr. Bobo**

"_When monsters come and vampires bite, _

_There's just one thing to do-o._

_When all laugh and deride,_

_One heart will still remain true. Ooh! _

_Prince Arthur never hesitates_

_To call for his great friend,_

_The only one he knows will stay_

_Behind him 'till the end!_

_Hip-hip-hooray!_

_For this stout heart_

_Shall always remain _

_A friend to Art._

_I guess it's time for me to give_

_The name of this great ally._

_No more delay, I now will say,_

_His name to you, shall I?_

_There's none on Earth more comforting _

_When Arthur's feeling low—oh!_

_Three cheers I give to the stalwart_

_Amazing Mr. Bobo!_

_Hip-hip-hooray!_

_For this stout heart_

_Shall always remain _

_A friend to Art._

_His stuffing might be spilling out_

_He might be missing an eye_

_But his furry face is comforting_

_When Art begins to cry!_

_And so, holding his teddy tight,_

_Strong Art does drift to sle-ep_

_Mr. Bobo will protect Art from_

_The things in the night that cre-ep!_

_Hip-hip-hooray!_

_For this stout heart_

_Shall always remain _

_A friend to Art._

_HIP-HIP-HOORAY!_

_FOR THIS STOUT HEA-RT_

_SHALL ALWAYS REMAIN_

_A FRIEND TO AR-RT!"_

"Open that window!" screamed Arthur at Gwen, and she rushed over and threw up the sash. "WHO IS SINGING THAT?"

Gwen peered out the window in horror. "It's… it's… Oh, no."

"Who?" roared the poor prince, face as red as a tomato. "I'll kill him!"

Gwen looked down at the figure who was singing – loudly! – in the streets about Arthur's teddy bear, and she winced. "I'm sure it's not his idea… or his fault…"

"Tell me who it is!"

"It's Merlin," she whispered, horrified. "And… and… and he's got a lyre!"

Arthur froze. "I know whose doing this is," he muttered darkly.

"She's… she's not much at writing poetry, is she?" said Gwen tentatively, hoping to comfort Arthur.

But Arthur was looking down at Merlin, standing in the middle of the streets, strumming his lyre, and the people beginning to gather around him and laugh. Suddenly Arthur threw his arms up into the air and screamed at the ceiling, voice swelling with fury:

"_**CURSE YOU, KITTY O!"**_


	9. More Memos

Spectacular episode this week, wasn't it? Well, someone suggested that I write memos for another episode, so that's what I'm here to do. Coming into their rooms tonight, our characters found sweet little notes from Yours Truly. Your job as a reader is to guess who got which.

* * *

ONE

You're going too far. First all you wanted was a bit of vengeance, a bit of understanding, yada yada. I get that. But now all you want is *evil laughter * POWER! THE MONARCHY! ARTHUR'S HEAD ON A PIKE! (Okay so you never asked for that, but I know it's coming!) It's too much! I won't stand for it! Everyone's trying to help you, and you're trying to have them torn into little pieces! WHY DON'T YOU GO DIE?

~Kitty O.

P.S. I especially loved the part where Arthur is discussing his plans to save What's-his-name and you give one of your special little smirks while everyone is looking right at you. Don't know how they missed that one.

* * *

TWO

Nice to meet you! Of course, you aren't familiar with me yet—name's Kitty O, and I'll be terrorizing you for the next couple of weeks. Kay? I don't know much about you yet, of course, but you seem decent and I hope you stay on here at Camelot. You have mad fighting skills, dude, and I'm afraid I have to say—I know where you've been the past four years. I know… you've been hanging around with Lance, haven't you? TELL HIM I SAY HI! (Tell him to stay away from Gwen.)

See you soon,

Kitty O

* * *

THREE

Oh, gosh, you're TOO sweet. Your concern for everyone was so touching in this episode, I must say… I also must say that you're an ever-lovin' idiot. How has it escaped your notice that every time Merlin and Morgana look at each other, sparks fly from their eyes? I mean it, I thought she would hiss. So let's take that one step further and think about WHY they hate each other. Soon it will become apparent to you that *evil cackling* SHE WANTS YOUR HEAD ON A PIKE! *Mysterious booming noise of doom*.

My best wishes,

Not the Most Scrumptious Cookie in the Jar

P.S. Forgiven me for last chapter yet?

* * *

FOUR

I know that I am the one who made you promise not to kill any more women. I'll make an exception! Really! I will! All you have to do is, next time you see Morgana, Run. Her. Through. With. A. Sword. Not difficult. Doesn't require much brainpower. I'm begging you, because frankly, the snake-and-horse move was a stupid one. Also, you stink at glaring. You didn't manage to look much more than confused when Morgana met your eye with her smile. Seriously, you need to brush up on your leer.

Still love you,

Kitty O, your lady

* * *

FIVE

Guess what? Every single viewer knows you have a sister. Amazing. You have a sister. Have you grasped that fact yet? You sure? Good, now you can stop calling her 'Sister' and start calling her by her name. Or is that still too much for you? I suppose one must work up to these things. Also, you have scarily big eyes. It's weird.

From,

Your Worst Nightmare

* * *

SIX

I would simply like to point out that you managed to pass another episode without kissing Arty. This time, you were like a millimeter away. You are slowly driving me insane. I don't mind finding you and _making_ you kiss him—is that what you want? I don't mind. At all.

See you next episode,

Kitty O (Who doesn't write good poetry)


	10. The Baddies are Taught a Lesson

_First, in all seriousness, I'd like to thank those that review… especially when you give me ideas. I know Gwen's letter, the memos, the second memos, and Ode to Mr. Bobo were all inspired by readers. Most of the others were inspired in part by reviews, and I am currently thinking about writing two chapters that were inspired by reviews. So thanks, people. It means a lot to me. _

_ALSO, I believe I owe you the answers for last chapter. _

**One:** Morgana got it. I don't know how she reacted, as Merlin won't let me near her rooms anymore. Stupid Merlin. Doesn't he know my powers are far greater than his? Kidding, I'm just a normal semi-evil sorceress. He's an all the way, flat-out awesome warlock. (Seriously, y'all, if she asks for Arthur's head on a pike soon, then I deserve cookies for ESP.)

**Two:** I'm informed that the man who got this is named "Elyan". I was calling him what's-his-name. But seriously, Elyan? Because THAT'S a normal name… Tom, Gwen, and Elyan? Anyway. I don't know if I have plans for him in this fic, by the way, because I've only seen him once. I want to know him a bit better before I single him out for ridicule. So he might just be catching the overflow of my awesome jokes.

**Three:** Arthur, naturally. I think I gave that away in the first memo? RedHatMeg suggested that I add to his memo: "Not only are you blind to the fact that Morgana is evil, but you trust her more than Merlin? Seriously, when she finally reveals herself, you will go straight to Merlin's chamber and beg him for mercy." I agree wholeheartedly. (Note: I did fix the grammar there, but whatever.) And no, he hasn't forgiven me yet. Childish much?

**Four:** Merlin, of course. Duh. I didn't put this on his memo, but I'm bursting at the seams… wasn't that conversation in the jail cell ("Aren't you scared?" "Nope, not in the slightest.") the most awesome piece of acting ever? I take my little drama-loving hat off to you, Colin Morgan.

**Five:** Morgause. Of course. Someone suggested that perhaps she'd forgotten Morgana's name. I was shocked to realize that this could be the truth. We must set her straight! Also, it could be to discourage the fem-slash. It sounds wrong to have_ that _if you call her 'Sister', after all.

**Six:** Gwen received this. I think her romance is growing lukewarm, people! I have no funny comment to add about her… Wait, kidding. I do. How about this gem of advice: If you're going to deny that you've been through a traumatic, possibly life-threatening experience…then for goodness sake, hide the rope burns.

…Or wave them in front of Merlin so he'll give you the "adorably protective" face. That's cool, too. (I'd do the same, Gwen. I'm not judging you.)

**_Moving on. It's time for the next little segment in my story. Kitty O (that's me!) has had enough of bothering the good guys for the time being. Bad guys need advice too, right? So, being the kind-hearted yet evil magic miss that she (I) is (am), she (I...whatever!) agreed to teach a class. The lecture for the very first session went as follows:_**

"Good morning, class. My name is Miss O. However, you may also call me The Future Mrs. Merlin. I will respond to either.

"Thank you for coming to 'How to pull off an Evil Plan 101'. The three of you are here because—_Miss Morgana!_ Spit out that gum! In the trash! Thank you. Where was I? Oh, yes. The three of you are here because you failed approximately 20 times in the past couple of months to destroy Camelot. In this class, I will teach you how to remedy this. (Not that I want Camelot to be reduced to rubble, mind you, but I think you deserve a fighting chance. Plus, I am the only semi-evil sorceress qualified to teach this course.)

"Are you taking notes, Miss Morgause? No? Ah, I see, because you are too busy flirting with Mr. Cenred. Pay attention. This is a life-or-death course.

"Before we get down to actually doing evil, there are a few things we must cover. First order of business: how and when to look properly evil. There is an appropriate time for everything. Even smirking. I know it's fun, Morgana, but it loses its effectiveness after a while. Save it for when you have Uther and/or Merlin groveling at your feet, begging for mercy. THEN, you will be permitted to smirk. By saving the smirking, you not only increase its effect on the audience, you also don't look as stupid when Merlin defeats you …again. And bad guys don't look evil when they look stupid. Onto Mr. Cenred. Frankly, you rather stink at looking evil. I do not fear you. Make a scary face. Show me your teeth… growl, Cenred! That's a bit better. Keep working on it. You do seem to be improving. In the past episode, when your 'ways' were brought up… the look on you face was properly evil. A chill went up my spine. (Unfortunately, we never got to see these ways, and the overly dramatic part of me was disappointed.) Anyway. To summarize looking evil and when to do it, now that I've covered all major points, just know that keep the smirky faces to a minimum, only for really climatic moments. Also, remember to actually look like you want to '_kill, kill, KILL'_! But don't get too excited… no one likes an over-eager villain. As you may have surmised, it is all about moderation. Miss Morgause, that is spelled M-O-D-E-R-A-T-I-O-N…

"There's one more thing you must know before carrying out an evil plot. That is, how to _sound_ evil. Take the class name for an example. 'How to pull off an Evil Plan 101' could be called 'How to Excellently Perform an Exceptionally Dastardly Plot 101', but that would be overkill. Did you get that, Morgause and Morgana? If not, ask Mr. Cenred. He never overdoes it. (Those 'ways'… shivers!) Mr. Cenred, you may watch Morgana on how to sound evil at all. Occasionally you seem to forget that you are evil. Your rather… yucky talks with Morgause do not leave us feeling awed. They leave me feeling a little ill. Morgana, though I applaud your acting skills and ability to be, er, bad, remember not too be too obvious. I am sure everybody and their aunt knows you hate Merlin. Everybody and their cousin must know you are an evil sorceress. All those leftover uncles have noticed that you sneak out to meet your sister at night. (That red cloak is too loud not to be seen. Remember 'overkill'.) So, to sound evil, your words must be subtly ironic and threatening, and are usually accompanied by a strange smile or raised eyebrow. Homework: write me ten lines you can say to Merlin that sound correctly evil. Bonus: give me the facial expressions that you would use with these lines.

"We are finally ready to plan our evil deeds. Well, _your _evil deeds. For though I am a semi-evil sorceress, it is by a mere technicality; I am not actually evil. So, step one: Look and sound evil. We discussed this.

"Step two: Cackle occasionally. We'll… uh, we'll practice that later…

"Step three: Never act rashly. It ruins your plans, so don't do it. Many bad guys have been defeated this way!

"Step four: Know your threats and prepare to remove them. This seems to cause you the most trouble. Think about it: You have Arthur, Uther, and Merlin. All are threats. One is just a weirdo king. One is a sword fighting prince. One is an all-powerful warlock who could take any of you down like (*snaps*) that, and whose destiny it is to win over the entire land. Which one should you try to keep out of the way? So why don't you? Ignorance of his powers is no excuse.

"Step five: scope things out and form a plan. Use events that are actually happening around you to your advantage. Don't create new ones if it can be avoided, because you run the risk of being obvious. Go over these plans millions of times. Search for plot holes. Keep looking for them. If they are there, good guys will find them.

"Step six: Remove those threats. This is your biggest problem. Your chances of succeeding at an evil plan would improve greatly if you could bump off one threat—Merlin. You know he's a threat. He's always onto you. _He knows, peoples!_ He always seems to escape the deaths you plan for him. Morgause, try sticking a sword in him next time, not just leaving him for the Scorpions. I know, I know, it is less fun. But the job actually gets done. If you must drag it out, stick around to make sure they don't escape. But that's another class. Or, if you don't want to get your hands dirty, then Morgana can just put on puppy eyes and cry to Uther something along the lines of, "Oh, I just remembered! Merlin tried to poison me! Boo, hoo!" I guarantee that would get 'er done. But however you do it, make sure he's dead! DEAD, I TELL YOU! (Sorry, I'm better.)

"Step seven: Carry out the evil plan. It might not be perfect the first time, but if you use the rules above, it would come out a lot smoother than it has been doing.

"Now, tomorrow we'll talk about how to look properly dramatic and desperately try to ruin things for the protagonist when your plan falls down around your ears. This usually happens to the best laid plans, for the good reason that you are evil. This is the job you signed up for. Time is up for now. Remember to get me that homework, I'm in a hurry. Merlin is waiting to take me out to lunch now…

"Now, Morgana and Morgause, don't you give me those angry eyes. Like you wouldn't go if he asked. I'll see you next time, class!"

_And that is how the lesson went. It wasn't laugh out loud stuff, but I think that the baddies are beginning to understand. I shall keep working! This, by the way, was inspired by a review! So… if you want to inspire me, review and tell me what you think. Yes? No? Maybe so? Certainly? _


	11. Love Letters

AND… we're back! Thanks to **fernazab**, whose review inspired this in part. I'm grateful. And no, you can't have Merlin. _Mine!_

Note: Before we get started, I feel obligated to say that though the plot is entirely original, the ideas my own, etc., the actual fanfic came to me after reading **Emachinescat**'s story _Reflections. _If you're reading this, you must like funny stuff, so you should check it out. If you think pet turkeys, a fear of ducks, and random comments about vegetarians is funny stuff (plus you want a pretty accurate blow-by-blow of the events of an episode), you should read it.

Oh, yeah, I went back and added a joke to Chapter 7 (I Don't Even Know My Last Name). So no one will have to look for it, I will just copy and paste here. You're welcome. This is after Merlin's little "Pendragon!" comment—to clear up my non-slash intentions.

**~~Arthur:** You cannot have my last name, Merlin. That would be strange. You're giving the slashers ideas!

**Merlin:** Ooh... right... not Pendragon.~~

I would also like to say that I love this story, because I can make my "author's note" as long as I want, and if it's funny, it's still part of the story. How cool is that? On to the story.

_**Today I got a letter (er, note) from Merlin. I sent him one in return, got another, etc. Don't ask how. It's magic. **_

* * *

_Dearest, darlingest Kitty O,_

_Is something wrong? Was it something I said? I can't imagine doing anything to offend you, but the most disturbing rumor is flying around: that you suggested Morgause run me through. _

_With all the love in my heart, Merlin._

* * *

Merlin, sweetie,

Nothing's wrong. I'm not mad. I love you! However, 'darlingest' isn't a word. And you are a little sappy.

Love, Kitty O

* * *

_Kitty O, _

_I don't understand, girl. If you ain't mad, why do ya want me to die? You be tripping!_

_Merlin._

* * *

Merlin, love,

No. Please. Spare me your gansta. Just talk normal. I don't want you to die.

Your lady, Kitty O

* * *

_Dear Kitty O,_

_Then why did you tell Morgause to kill me?_

_Your non-gansta Merlin._

* * *

M,

Because I knew she was too stupid to pull it off and you were too smart to let her. Besides, surely you understand? They pay the check. I therefore teach my best. I am an evil magic miss. That's how it works. Check=loyalty.

~K.

* * *

_Kitty,_

_You're so mercenary! That's awful! _

_Heart's bleeding, Merlin._

* * *

Merlin honey,

Most girls are if you think about it. We all want candy and flowers, right? That's totally buying our loyalty. But don't worry. I love you the most, so I'll protect you. If I have to.

~Your lady.

* * *

_Kit,_

_Wow, just wow. Why am I in love with you at all?_

_~Merlin._

* * *

Merlin,

Now that's mean. 1) I told you to be. 2) Hello? I rock. And 3) Because I'm not really like this in real life, of course. This fan fiction is all my inner insanity and nothing I claim or say here should be taken seriously. I'm much sweeter in real life.

But now I'm mad at you, because you just insulted me. Do you want me to write _you_ a poem, too?

-Angry Kitty. (Hiss!)

* * *

_Kitty,_

_I'm sorry! I'M SORRY! I didn't mean it._

_Merlin._

* * *

Mr. Emyrs,

I'm afraid that isn't quite good enough.

Sincerely, Ms. **********

* * *

_**********,_

_I implore your foregiveness. I don't deserve it. You should step on me and kill me. I'm a stupid man who should keep his mouth shut and never question your perfection. Have mercy on this lowly servant of yours._

_Love, Merlin._

* * *

Merlin,

And…?

~Kitty O

* * *

_Kit,_

…_And you can expect your chocolates to arrive tomorrow, the flowers in a few minutes._

_~Merlin._

* * *

Merlin, dearest to my heart,

You shouldn't have! You really didn't have to… aw, who am I kidding, yes you did. But thanks.

Love, love, Kitty.

* * *

_Kitty, _

_These are probably some of the stupidest love letters on the face of the Earth. Have you noticed? They're like 3 sentences each._

_~Merlin._

* * *

Merlin,

Of course I have, dear. But we're trying to not to gross out the readers or me by keeping them non-mushy. (********** is NOT a mushy person.)

Your Kitty Kat.

P.S. I mean, we can do real love letters, but then I would have to say things like "I love you, breath of my heart" and you would have to call me your Kit-Kat Candy Bar.

K.K.

* * *

_Kitty O,_

_Oh. Well, yuck. Never mind, then. I vote we keep these short and sweet, huh?_

_Love, Merlin._

* * *

My Merlin,

More short and less sweet, okay? And I trust you've forgiven me for suggesting Morgause kill you. I don't want that to happen. (Admittedly it would be the most dramatic episode ever… hmmm…)

~Kitty

* * *

_Kitty, _

_WHAT?_

_~M._

* * *

Merlin,

Oh, awkward. Did I say dramatic? Haha, meant to say 'traumatic'…. You know, as in AWFUL! Totally. What. I. Meant. To. Say.

Love, Kitty O.

* * *

_Kitty,_

_Okay. I guess. Maybe. This is awkward. Way awkward. _

_From, Merlin._

* * *

Merlin, breath of my heart,

Yeah, I hear you. Perhaps it is time to end the chapter before things get ugly and we start fighting.

Love, **********.

* * *

_Dear Kitty O,_

_I agree, O wonder of the heavens, O angel. O my Kit Kat bar. Every word out of your mouth is the truth, and like poetry, like fresh dew rolling off leaves in the morning…_

_Your Love._

* * *

Merlin:

See, no. Stop. You'll embarrass yourself. Goodbye, Merlin.

~K.O.

* * *

_K.O.,_

_Just thought I would add a bit of spice to the chapter, a bit of scandal… Goodbye, love._

_~Merlin "Emrys"_

* * *

**A/N: I love reviews more than I love my peach-flavored chapstick. **


	12. Even More: a Myriad of Memos

Hey, y'all! You know what time it is… that's right! MEMOS! Please review this chapter, peoples, because last chapter was my least reviewed chapter since, like, the first 4 (some of those even had more) and it made me sad. I was really hoping for at least two more. Was it not a good chapter? Or is it just that it was only up two days and no one got on ff-dot-net and saw it? Whatever, thanks to those who did review, namely **lily forever** (who finds it hard to believe I'm usually kinda a serious person), **scientia-potentia-est **(as always), **GhibliGirl91**, **cooking-ninja18**, and **fernazab **(as usual—one of my first reviewers, you know)**.**

By the way, and I forgot to mention it, **cooking-ninja18** not only has the coolest pen name ever, but was my 50th reviewer a while back. For that, consider yourself made of awesome.

So like I said, review. This story is not as fun to write as it is to read (I mean, it's fun enough, but you know…), and one of the only things that keep me interested in doing it is great, abundant reviews. When I stop being interested, I will go ahead and post the ending chapter. That wasn't a threat…. Okay, it was a threat. But still, if you are getting sick of my story, then tell me so and I will post the ending.

Enough gloominess! Onto the stupidity! You know the drill. Guess who got which and I'll tell you next chapter.

* * *

ONE

Well, SOMEBODY'S grumpy in this episode, huh? Just kidding—I'm always grumpy when my energy is being sucked up, too. It really puts a damper on a day. Plus, may I add, I loved that little smile you gave Merlin right before you rode out of Camelot. It was almost friendly. But not—because, after all, servants aren't your friends. (See Chapter 1).

Notice how you patted Merlin on the shoulder and Gwaine gave him a hug? Don't deny your feelings; we all know you care. You're breaking your own rules!

Peace out, Kitty O.

* * *

TWO

You are my hero. Seriously, my respect points for you went up like 10 levels in this episode! Someone finally realizes that Morgana's an evil witch! Now you just need to tell Melin that you know, because otherwise you'll both be going around pretending that only you know and not telling the other; it will be _so _confusing! Please tell Merlin, or have Gaius tell Merlin, because my head will explode if you don't. Also, technically you did not kiss Arthur, so don't try it. You stood there and let him kiss you. Tsk, tsk.

Go suspicious minds!

Future Mrs. Merlin.

* * *

THREE

Welcome back! Holy smokes, I missed you! Nothing like a carefree, blowing in the wind character to add spice to an episode. I love it! However, watch out calling Merlin a friend like that. You never know, they might start writing slash about it… matter of fact, I think they are already. Gasp. Whatever, it was amazing; please throw Merlin off of walls more often, because it made life that much more worth living.

Kitty O, aka, The Mystery Writer

* * *

FOUR

Now, I don't approve of killing old people. I want to get that straight. I'm pretty much pro-natural-life-span, but luckily for you, when you are being kept alive by magic, it isn't a natural life span. Therefore there is not a need for me to get on your case or break up with you. So. Nice idea, going looking for Gwaine, but I have one suggestion. Why not go looking for Lance instead? After all, Lance _knows_ about your magic, so there wouldn't be any need to hide it from him. It might've made life easier. Of course, you wouldn't have been able to make as many 'tavern' jokes. (Oh, and aren't you lucky that wyverns respect family members? Blood is thicker than water, I guess.)

Your Kit-Kat Bar

* * *

FIVE

What, have we sunk to the level of voodoo now? This is going too far. I mean, I understand evil tendencies (still waiting for Arthur's head on a pike), but making little stick men and setting them on fire? What did the stick man ever do to you? DO YOU JUST HATE TREES? Go green, okay? This is just spite! Where did Morgause even get that bracelet? Did she ask a phoenix for his eye?

Love (well… you know…), Your would-be Assassin, Kitty O.

* * *

SIX

Hey, Mr. Character Who Will Never Appear Again. You are totally awesome, by the way. I love characters that just sit back and do nothing, and smile evilly when they aren't really evil. Plus, you're short, and Short. People. ROCK! However, you could have dropped Arthur a hint. ("Wish you well? Don't be ridiculous! Whoever gave you that hates your guts! She's an evil sorceress who really just needs a spanking!")

Later, dude.

From, Kitty O., the mystery writer.


	13. When You Mix Magic and Spies

_Lucy, I'm home from the club! _

In other words, the crazed, mysterious writer is back in the hiz-house, yo. Don't you worry if you didn't get the Lucy comment; just go watch the old American sitcom _'I Love Lucy'_, a show that I was practically raised on.

But I'm not talking about sitcoms. I'm talking about the occasionally way-too-prone-to-torture-main-characters show, MERLIN! (That probably comes as a shock to some of you, huh? I bet you didn't know that! But, yes, that's the show I'm writing for.)

Reviews last chapter were MUCH better! Twice as much! Do it again!

**Shout out of the week goes to:** Anonymous and wildmageofgalla, which were not signed reviews. Anonymous because he or she called me a comedic genius (something which sent my lunchtime friends rolling in helpless laughter—but I believe it!), and also because he or she actually knows how to spell the word Anonymous! It's incredible! A round of applause! *clap, clap, clap*

Wildmageofgalla because the mage told me that he (she…it?) was worried for my sanity. This made me indescribably happy. I personally stopped worrying about it years ago. I figured, if they lock me up, I'll know for sure. If they don't, so much the better for me! (Kidding; I'm actually the sanest person ever.)

**Last chapter answers:**

Number One: Arthur. I don't think I have one single sarcastic thing to say to you, Arthur, but if you want I can repeat a few verses of 'Ode to Mr. Bobo'… no? Okay, next.

Number Two: Gwen! And do you know what I just noticed? She's actually the only one taking my advice in the show! SHE'S NOTICED MORGANA IS AN EVIL WITCH! This made me so happy. Evidently she read the letter!

Number Three: Gwaine. Or Gwain. Or Gawaine. Or Gawain. I've seen it spelled so many ways (my spell-check thinks the last one is right) that I'm not sure which to use here. He's a pretty cool character. Going to get himself killed in a tavern brawl someday, but we all love him anyway.

Number Four: My man Merlin. Everyone disagreed with my statement that he could have gone looking for Lance instead (obviously Gwaine is MUCH preferred!), and I'm starting to see it their way. Lance is cool enough, but he probably would just moon around and dream about Gwen, spouting sonnets about how deeply he loves her… blah, blah, blah. Gwaine just smiles and throws Merlin off of things. Much hotter. And less likely to make me sick.

Number Five: The nasty word, Morgana (another name my spell check hates). I should stop writing her these memos… It's giving me a high blood pressure. She makes me so mad.

Number Six: I don't know his name. The bridge-keeper dude. The one who calls Arthur "Courage", Merlin "Magic", and G-man "Strength". I think I like it. Prince Courage of Camelot. It's alliteration or some such.

Moving on. To the story. I'm actually in this one, folks, and I don't mean they just talk about me. (WARNING: I may or may not be like this in real life. So DON'T JUDGE! Also, AU chapter!)

_Lights! Camera! Action! _

The night is dark. And that's night, not knight. 'The knight is dark' is not actually possible. Though of course there are dark_er_ knights, this is Europe in like, what? The tenth century? (_**A/N: Hey, I went and looked that up, but no site wanted to tell me when King Arthur would have lived. They just wanted to say he wasn't really a great, heroic king. Spoilsports.) **_I'm pretty sure there weren't black-skinned people in Europe at this time. (Sorry, Gwen.) They were all in Africa.

So now that we've covered that, you know it was a dark night. And, thinking about it, what night wasn't dark? They didn't have city lights like now! But that's a whole other rabbit trail, so let's just leave it at it being a dark night. Take my word for it. It was dark.

The night was dark. But it wasn't stormy (funny way to start a story, huh? It's original!). And it was a good thing it wasn't stormy, because if it had been, Special Agent Emyrs would have been drenched. And drenched was not his look, he reflected as he ran his hand smoothly and suavely over his dark hair.

He leaned coolly against the stone column, crossing his arms over his chest. The world looked totally black to him through the lenses of his shades, making him worry that he was going to run into something, but he didn't dare complain. He'd fought for two hours just to be allowed to wear shades in this one-shot.

S. A. Emyrs wondered briefly if he should smoke a cigar for ultimate cool effect. He then remembered that, apart from the fact that it was bad for your health, he didn't smoke. And cigars weren't even invented yet. (But then, neither were business suits, and he was wearing one.)

Sighing at this let down, he let himself relax—but not too much. A relaxed Special Agent is a dead-or-severely-injured Special Agent.

_MOVEMENT!_ All of S.A. Emyrs's alarms in his head went off, and he dropped to a crouch, expecting a rain of bullets. None came. After a moment, he lifted his glasses (What do you know? The night wasn't so dark after all!) and looked around, blue eyes flitting to the left and the right. He had seen something. His instincts were never wrong.

After a moment, he saw her. Secret Agent She-Witch, approaching fast, was wearing her tight silver bodysuit, over which she had on a flowing yet short, red cape. Her pale skin glowed through the darkness, showing off the excessively evil smirk which she wore. _**(A/N: Dang it, girl, didn't we discuss the smirks? By all things good and holy!) **_Emyrs felt his face fall.

_I knew it,_ he thought. _She-Witch was the double agent all along! Oh, why didn't we see it before? (Actually, we did – I mean, either that or she was having facial muscle spasms – but it sounds better if I berate myself for my stupidity.) Oh, why didn't I realize? _

Special Agent Emyrs watched her sweep out of headquarters, slowly standing again. He sighed to himself, but in a totally calm and collected way, of course. He would have to follow her. He had to know about this secret rendezvous. Even if it cost him his life.

He prepared to step out of his niche and follow the double agent when a hand latched onto his arm. He jumped back, pressing himself against the wall in a panic, before he saw who it was.

Special Agent Kit-Kat (GUESS WHO?) had entered the scene.

"Kit-Kat!" he gasped, "What are you doing here? This is unexpected!"

Kit-Kat surveyed him coolly. "You are a spy. You are supposed to expect the unexpected," she responded in a whisper.

He looked her up and down – she certainly looked bizarre this one-shot! – and at last said, confused, "But if I did that, then the unexpected would be expected."

"And so the expected would become unexpected, so you would have to expect that."

"And I couldn't expect the unexpected anymore, because I would only be expecting what was actually the unexpected."

"And you expected that."

"In which case I'm back where I started and I still have to expect the unexpected," he mumbled, making himself dizzy.

"So then you must expect all over again." 

"Then what do I expect?"

"Everything. Like a secret agent—which you are," answered Kit-Kat, who looked as unruffled as if she had planned this conversation.

"Wait, what were we talking about?" asked the bewildered Emyrs, who didn't look bewildered. S. A.'s did not look bewildered. They looked…collected. And unaffected.

"We were discussing how I'm going to join you in following Double Agent She-Witch into the night," said Kit-Kat wisely. She had decided to skip ahead in the one-shot for the sake of time, and also because any conversation they could have leading up to that fact would have been distinctly unfunny.

Emyrs shook his head dramatically. "No, Kit-Kat, you can't."

"I can, actually."

"You may not. If something were to happen to you…" He paused as an unnecessary but often-resorted-to-in-a-storyline sob escaped his lips. "I'd never forgive myself."

"Nothing will happen to me! I have to come with you! I am the headstrong yet beautiful female character who always insists on coming along, even when it makes sense for the man to go alone!"

Emyrs took her by the shoulders. "Stay here, Kit."

"Do I need to remind you who's writing this one-shot?"

"_Kit_!"

"Fine. I will not take one step away from here. Satisfied, Mr. Men-Have-All-the-Fun?"

"Goodbye, Kit-Kat. And, Kit?"

"Yes?"

"You do know that people don't generally have turquoise eyes—like real turquoise?"

"I know, but I think it looks cool. Besides, I can't show up as I really am in this one-shot, can I? Might as well go crazy."

"Oh… okay, then."

With that parting line, S. A. Emyrs turned and (very coolly) walked away, keep his body tense and ready for action. If Double Agent She-Witch discovered that he was following her, this could be the last thing he ever did. (How's that for upping the stakes?)

He crept (not tip-toed, agents _never_ tip-toe) along the walls of HQ (referred to in code-speak: Camelot), looking both ways. Just like you should always do before crossing the street. If you don't, you will get run over. Heed my words.

He kept Morg… er, She-Witch in his sight, which wasn't hard to do in her bright red cape. It was really incredible that the guards hadn't caught sight of her yet. Then again, the guards of HQ were all idiots, and Emyrs strongly suspected that at least one of them was actually blind. It would explain an awful lot.

Oblivious to her follower as usual, She-Witch made her way into the dark, creepy forest that was conveniently in close proximity to HQ. Emyrs followed her, but in a non-stalker-like way, because this is a family show. (And rated K.)

He watched as she walked up to her evil counterpart, Evil Agent Big-Eyes.

"Sister!" gasped Big-Eyes, as though she had not seen She-Witch in years and this was a dramatic reunion.

_Sister? _Thought Emyrs in surprise. _They are sisters? What? I'd forgotten! Good thing Big-Eyes reminded me! Whew!_ He hid behind two big bushes, sure that they would not spot him here.

"Hello," responded She-Witch. "Have you got another dastardly plan that will never succeed planned out for us to try?"

Big-Eyes nodded solemnly. "Yes," she hissed.

"Hello," said a voice by Emyrs's ear. He jumped.

"Don't tell me," remarked Kit-Kat. "This was unexpected?"

"No," started Emyrs. "It was not… it's just that… You are so good at being a spy, you startled me anyway."

"Flattery will get you almost anywhere. But not everywhere. There are several places it will not. For example, that tavern in HQ's main square. Trust me on that one."

Emyrs pondered this for a minute. Then he heard a voice – unmistakably She-Witch's, the traitor! – say, "Did you hear that?"

Emyrs sighed. "Thanks a lot, Kit-Kat. You gave us away." 

"Why is it always my fault?"

"Who's writing the one-shot?"

"…Touché."

Emyrs sighed. "Get behind me, Kit-Kat."

"Why?"

"So it will look like I'm protecting you, obviously. C'mon, surely you've seen this type of movie?"

Kit-Kat could not argue with his logic, so she let herself cower behind his outstretched arm while Big-Eyes and She-Witch bore down on the bushes behind which our heroes crouched.

"Oh, and Kit-Kat?"

"Yes?"

"_I always loved you_!"

"I… I knew that," stammered Kit-Kat.

"I know you do," said Emyrs with a shrug, "but just play along, will you?"

"Sure, but I'm not kissing you in public, so don't try that cliché move," warned Kit-Kat.

Emyrs didn't know whether to look insulted or not, and he finally decided on guilty. "We aren't in public."

"Have you forgotten how many people are reading this? This is so public!" shouted Kit-Kat at the exact moment the bushes were pulled apart, revealing Emyrs and Kit-Kat to the vindictive eyes of the two half-sisters. _**(A/N: I had to throw that in case you'd forgotten that they were related, you know…)**_

"Well," cackled Big-Eyes, "who have we here?"

"Your Worst Nightmare," supplied Kit-Kat. "Nice to meet you."

Big-Eyes looked unimpressed. "Two lovebirds in the bush? Spying on us?" Her voice was dark and threatening, a sure sign that she had taken notes during that class a few chapters back.

"We're spies," pointed out Special Agent Emyrs. "It's kind of what we do, you know?"

She-Witch nodded. "Makes sense. Of course, now that you've found out my secret, we'll have to kill you."

Emyrs sighed. He was afraid of that. Just then Kit-Kat tapped him on the shoulder.

He looked back. 

She asked, "Will you or shall I?"

He smiled wanly. "I'll do it. But if I don't get back in twenty minutes, go get help. Do not go in after me, okay? Do not…"

"What in the world are you jabbering on about? You aren't going anywhere!" cried Secret Agent Kit-Kat.

"I know," he said huffily, "but it's the only speech I didn't have a chance to use yet. The one-shot's almost over, you know, and I'll have to take off the shades and the suit after this… or can I…?"

"No, Emyrs, you can't. Oh, I'll do it!" She stood up with a sigh, pulling Emyrs to his feet as well.

Big-Eyes and Double Agent She-Witch watched her with identical, extremely annoying expressions of triumph on their faces.

"Ready, magic?" inquired Kit-Kat of herself.

"What are you doing?" barked Big-Eyes.

"I'm ending the one-shot. Magic, knock them down!"

Big-Eyes and She-Witch went sprawling onto the forest floor. 

Smiling, Kit-Kat remarked, "Now, isn't that much easier than speaking Welsh?" She grabbed Special Agent Emyrs's hand, and, just like that, they disappeared into the woods. They were gone without a trace… like ninjas. Or spies.

**End of one-shot. **

_A/N: I know it was unbelievably strange, but oh, well! I had fun writing it. Please review this chapter, because I have been feeling extremely down in the dumps and restless lately, and I know some nice, helpful reviews will cheer me up. Please? _


	14. How I Met Merlin and Camelot Complains

It's Friday, which means it is time for another chapter of my favorite Merlin story! YAY! But before I get into it (it will be another script chapter, by the way, and really help the plot along), there's something I want to tell you. It's about how I first met Merlin. And I think you need to know it, because my first time seeing the show was pretty memorable.

It had been a hard Friday. School was hard. Life was hard. And I was bored. I decided I wanted to watch TV, but there were no shows I liked on, as I discovered when I checked all my channels. But I was restless, and reading a book was not going to cut it. (This was before my fanfiction days.) I made a life-changing decision then, folks: I decided to flip channels.

This might not seem so crazy, but I'd never been allowed to do that growing up (a lesson a learned well when I stayed a fraction of a second too long on a channel that involved a sword, a scary lady, and an eye…). This would be my first time resorting to flipping channels. But I was going to do it anyway.

The first few channels had nothing, so I flipped idly to SyFy. I didn't know it, but this was the day they were showing the Merlin marathon—every episode of season 1 before they began showing season 2 in a few weeks.

The first thing I saw was two men (two pretty cute men) sitting across from each other at a table. On a mountain top place. With two cups in between them. I heard them talking about the poison in one of the cups, trying to reason out how they could know which one was which.

Bless me, do you know what my first thought was? No, not _oh look at the prequel to King Arthur_. Not _Merlin's adorable._

But I thought: _What? Is this some sort of remake of _The Princess Bride_?_

Yes. _The Princess Bride_.

Then after listening a moment, I thought, _A bad remake. _

Arthur said Merlin's name.

_Merlin? Like King Arthur? ... An Arthurian remake?_

I watched as Arthur pointed into the distance (_oh, _I thought, _don't fall for that, Merlin. They did the same thing in _The Princess Bride_!) _and drained the cups.

I was already hooked. But I regret to say it took me way to long to accept the fact that it wasn't _Princess Bride. _I was still confused at the end of the episode. I watched the rest of the series and became unconfused.

Do you realize what this means, though? It means, while most of you thought Arthur was a prat for a long time, I knew right away he had a good heart. In the next episode I saw Morgana's inner evil. In the next I saw that Uther wasn't totally inhuman and that Nimueh doesn't stand a chance against Merlin. So hah. Take that. I knew it from the beginning!

But I'm sorry, I just took way too long telling you how me and my "bf" met, when I'm sure you didn't care that much. I needed to get it off my chest. One more thing: next review will be #100! YES. I feel so successful. So, however the next reviewer is, I will write you a poem like thing with your name. Maybe something like:

**K**nowledgeable.

**I**nspiring.

**T**ruly

**T**ouching.

**Y**outhful.

**O**utstanding.

Or maybe something else, I don't know.

Onto the story! YAY, again! I will be making it slightly more script-like by CAPPING names, okay? I'd forgotten they did that so you know your cue.

**Curtain**

**Act One, Scene One**

_(MORGANA runs into the throne room, gasping as though she'd just run a long way. She is no longer wearing the silly outfit KITTY O put her in, but rather her normal way-too-tight silver dress. You all know the one. The spray-on dress. She stands in the doorway for a moment, looking disheveled, and EVERYONE turns to look at her. This probably has less to do with they panic in her eyes and more to do with that dress… She looks back at them a moment in silence.)_

**MORGANA, THE EVIL LITTLE PRETENDER: **Everybody out! Out! I need to talk to Uther! Now!

_(The KNIGHTS, who are in conference, just stare. UTHER stands up.)_

**UTHER, THE THICK-SKULLED KING:** What is it, my dear?

**MORGANA: **I want everyone out. This matter is _urgent_.

_(KNIGHTS, because they are incapable of making their own decisions and too stupid to get out of the way of a desperate woman, turn to UTHER for help.)_

**UTHER: **You heard her! Everybody out! Or do you not value your lives?

**LEON, WHO SHOULD BY ALL RIGHTS HAVE BEEN DEAD AT THE END OF SEASON TWO: **_(stand up in panic)_ Oh, no! I'm getting out of here before the evil pretender stabs _me_ in the gut with a weapon and tosses_ me_ off a wall!

_(The rest of the KNIGHTS appear to think this is an excellent idea, and LEON and the KNIGHTS scurry from the room as fast as they can.)_

**UTHER: **Now, Morgana, tell me, what is the matter?

**MORGANA: **Kitty O! The same thing that is the matter with the rest of Camelot!

**UTHER: **Who? Is she a new servant?

**MORGANA: **I wish! You can _fire _servants.

**UTHER: **Oh, I never fire servants. Never. They make wonderful extras and disposable characters when I'm feeling particularly stupid and want to get someone poisoned… Or when I get into a giant magic war with people dying left and right.

**MORGANA: **That's not the point! The point is that this Kitty O is no servant! I don't even know what she is! (_**A/N: Amateur writer, thanks.)**_

**UTHER: **How has she been pestering you?

_(Just then, the door to the throne room opens and ARTHUR stalks in, followed by MERLIN, who is lagging behind. He, MERLIN, is dressed as normal, neckerchief and ragged clothes, but with one major difference. There is a pair of sunglasses sitting on his head.)_

**ARTHUR, THE INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGED YET LOVABLE: **_(as he storms in, speaking over his shoulder) _I don't care _how _you feel about her, Merlin. The woman is becoming a menace, and we need my father to get rid of her…

**MERLIN, WHO LOVES KITTY AND DOESN'T HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER: **_(distraught)_ But, Arthur, you can't just arrest her! What did she do wrong, really?

**ARTHUR: **Shut up, Merlin. _(Turns to his father) _Father, I need your help getting rid of an evil sorceress.

**MERLIN:** An evil sorceress by a mere technicality!

**ARTHUR: **Shut _up_, Merlin! I'm trying to complain!

**UTHER:** _(standing up)_ What? There is a sorceress loose in Camelot? Why haven't you arrested her? She must be executed!

_(MERLIN looks a little paler.)_

**ARTHUR: **Well, Father, it's a good deal harder to catch a sorceress than you seem to think. I mean, if they're any good, chances are that they won't be hiding in Gaius's chambers, which is where we always seem to have to look. They'll actually be hiding. Plus, I never even knew what I was supposed to do when I found one. Arrest them? Great. So what do I do if they blast me with magic? Block it with my sword? I mean, we never did cover that exactly.

**UTHER:** Well, to tell the truth, I kinda don't know. Why do you think I gave this job to you? I was depending on your dumb luck to save you. You seem to have a lot of that.

_(MERLIN rolls his eyes behind ARTHUR'S back.)_

**MORGANA: **_(impatiently) _Hello? We shouldn't be talking about Arthur's dumb luck! There are more important things to talk about!

**MERLIN: **_(grabbing at straws) _You mean, like how that same "Dumb Luck" keeps saving him every time you try to have him murdered?

**MORGANA: **Shut up, Merlin. Of course I didn't mean that. I meant this Kitty O. She's terrorizing all of Camelot. We need to get rid of her!

**UTHER: **What should I do? Is she very powerful?

**MERLIN: **_(reluctantly) _Well, no. _**(A/N: Well, YEAH!)**_

_(The door opens and nervously GWEN steps in. UTHER looks at her, confused.)_

**UTHER: **It's Morgana's maid. What is she doing here?

**GWEN, THE ONE WHO ACTUALLY TAKES MY ADVICE: **_(nervously) _I'm not sure, but I think I'm here to complete the cast… All we need now is Gaius, and Kitty O hasn't terrorized him as of yet. Your Majesty.

**UTHER: **_(bewildered) _She's been bugging your maid, Morgana? What exactly is this… what's her name?

**ARTHUR AND MORGANA: **Kitty O.

**UTHER:** What exactly is this Kitty O doing to annoy everyone so much? How does she have the audacity? Is she invincible?

**ARTHUR: **She left me a rather embarrassing list of rules, introduced me to…. _(shudders) _fanfiction…

**UTHER: **_(to himself) _That? Terrible stuff.

**ARTHUR: **And she erased my memory, wrote me rather nasty memos, and… and she made my manservant sing a song about my teddy bear.

**MORGANA: **She threatened me! Kept telling me she knew what I was. And she attempted to assassinate me once! She also taught me a class, but then turned right around and helped my enemy!

_(UTHER nods and looks at GWEN.)_

**GWEN: **She wrote me some memos, too… and a letter of advice. Rather good advice, actually…

_(UTHER looks at MERLIN, who sighs blissfully.)_

**MERLIN: **She made me a secret agent. _(He reaches up and pulls his glasses down over his eyes, smiling. He will wear the shades for the rest of the one-shot.) _Oh, yeah, and she also made me fall in love with her…

_(UTHER blinks, confused.)_

**MERLIN: **Which is actually kind of a mean thing to do… And, if I were capable of it, I might be angry. Or I might not. She's pretty awesome. _**(A/N: Sorry, love. That's show biz.)**_

**UTHER: **What should we do to catch this… this… giver of advice?

**MERLIN: **I vote we do nothing.

**UTHER: **Don't be ridiculous.

**ARTHUR: **Merlin, we have to get rid of her, or she'll… embarrass me.

**MORGANA: **And she'll blow my cover!

**GWEN: **And she might tell me something the writers don't want me to know. Yet. And she threatened to kill me, too. If I cheated on Arthur.

**UTHER: **_(straightening in surprise as it hits him) _Wait…is this the same girl who left me that dubious secret admirer note?

**ALL THE REST:** Probably.

**UTHER: **Well, then, I agree! Her we need to get rid of somehow!

_(Suddenly a new character enters the one-shot, because there was simply no other way of ending it.)_

**SARAHLUVSDWRH, THE TOTALLY AWESOME REVIEWER: **This is stupid.

_(EVERYONE turns and looks at her with varying degrees of alarm. MERLIN stares; GWEN squawks and clutches ARTHUR'S arm; UTHER falls back into his seat, grabbing at his heart.)_

**MORGANA: **Who in the world are you?

**SARAHLUVSDWRH: **Kitty O sent me. She promised me that she would use me somehow, so here I am. Scientia-potentia-est's part is coming later, in another one-shot.

_(UTHER pulls out his sword.)_

**UTHER: **You are working with the sorceress!

**SARAHLUVSDWRH: **I am. I came to bring you a message from her, but if you run me through, I just might not give it to you.

**MERLIN: **What's the message?

**SARAHLUVSDWRH:** She said to remind you that, as she's writing this, she knows about this little conspiracy. And that she is perfectly fine with it. Go ahead and try to catch her, she says, but you won't. Because she's writing you.

**UTHER: **That is both creepy and hard to follow. What's this about writing us?

**SARAHLUVSDWRH: **Merlin will explain it to you; I don't really have time. But she just said to tell you. Also, she said to warn you that she will continue to write you memos and sarcastic one-shots. So you can deal with it. Any questions?

**MORGANA: **_(raises her hand) _Why did she send you to tell us? Who are you, her minion?

**SARAHLUVSDWRH: **Technically I'm her reviewer and reader—but aren't they almost the same thing? _**(A/N: KIDDING! KIDDING!)**_

**UTHER: **No matter what she thinks, we will find her! And she will be executed.

**ARTHUR:** Well… probably.

**MORGANA: **Maybe.

**GWEN: **Probably not…

**MERLIN:** Yeah, Uther, that's not happening. Kitty O's pretty slick…

**SARAHLUVSDWRH:** Now that we have that covered. Time to end the one-shot. Goodbye!

_(And, like that, the character/reviewer goes poof! All gone. EVERYONE stares at where the small poof of smoke came from, bemused. )_

**ARTHUR: **Now that this rather awkwardly put together, not to mention rather unfunny, scene is over, I have somewhere to be. Coming, Merlin?

**MERLIN: **_(sighs in a lovelorn way) _It might not have been funny, but it fixed the problem with the plot. Besides, I'd love her even if _none _of her stuff was funny!

**ARTHUR: **Shut up and come on, Merlin, before you make me sick.

_(Still muttering about his Kit-Kat bar, MERLIN follows ARTHUR dejectedly out of the room.)_

**End Scene One, Act One.**

_A/N: Not my favorite or my best, but please forgive me and PLEASE review. (I've been spoiled now, and if I don't get the same amount as usual I may cry.)_


	15. Many More: Another Myriad of Memos

Just a quick note: thanks for the positive reviews, guys. I'm not one who's against false modesty, but I actually didn't think last chapter was so good. Thanks for restoring my confidence. Also, a shout out to** Fenedra** this time. On her review, she put (and I quote): _"__Morgana the evil little pretender: which is very useful because I had forgotten she was evil (doesn't she have a sister somewhere too?)"_ The genius of this statement is not lessened by the fact that I stared uncomprehending at the screen for ten seconds, unable to understand how you could forget she was evil. (Don't worry. I figured it out.)

This poem is to cooking-ninja18, who was also my hundredth reviewer. (If this is **Emachinescat **reading, or someone who reads _Reflections_, know that I didn't take this idea from that. I've been planning this.) It's pretty epic, I think, but you are entitled to your opinion. (Especially if your opinion is that this is epic.) I stayed up until 1 a.m. writing it.

_**~ Flatter 'til your face turns blue,**_

_**But you'll never hold a candle to**_

_**The ninjas with the frying pan**_

_**Who can serve you for sushi; yes, they can. ~**_

_(Six times three and nine plus nine)_

_I haven't the right to complain or whine_

_(Three and fifteen; twenty-two minus four)_

_When I have these reviews, a hundred and more._

_And life is good, and life is nifty,_

_For reviews one hundred, ninety, and number fifty_

_All belong to the same one—_

_And I didn't think it could be done!_

_And I really don't mean to be sappy_

_When I truly say this made me happy…_

_(Nine times two; eight and ten)_

_Cooking-ninja scores again!_

_**~ So flatter 'til your face turns blue,**_

_**But you'll never hold a candle to**_

_**The ninjas with the frying pan**_

_**Who can serve you for sushi; yes, they can. ~**_

So. Anyway. Moving on. Oh, and by the way, please keep any ideas you have coming, because after this coming week, I will be out. And then, if something is not done, I would have to end this story. (*sad face*). But I have enough for two more and a two-part ending (that's what I'm thinking), plus the memos, so if I don't get any ideas, you'll still be stuck with me for two more weeks.

Also, I MADE IT TO THE TRIPLE DIGITS (Obviously)! YESSSS! I'm so happy, especially with my regular reviewers, because you make it worth it. I hate those fics that people just stop reviewing after chapter number one. Thanks for taking my threat (fewer reviews=fewer chapters) so well.

**Memos.** I write them. You guess who got who. They should be easy, as always, so enjoy!

* * *

ONE

Awww… you're such a sweet old lady! I think I like you! You didn't even smirk when you were in evil form, something I thank you heartily for. This means I will not point any caustic remarks at you, but I must say… when your eyes turned black like that, I may have screamed. I feel so sorry for you… for the lot of you, really. You are pretty lucky you spent most of the ep in the physician's chambers and jail… Let me tell you, it was NO FUN up in the castle! Everyone was so grumpy. Also, word of advice for the future: don't conjure up creatures of dark magic, hoping they'll change their ways and help you heal people. Not going to end well.

Sincerely, Kitty O.

* * *

TWO

You don't do the 'lovesick' face well, my dear. Not that it wasn't adorable. But at least you didn't lick any gold pieces… I consider myself fortunate! But, man, were you grumpy this episode! Honestly, "you can't stand to see me happy"? And you didn't even apologize for that in the end! You really should've, you know. Merlin didn't deserve that. However, I forgave you for that when you said, "The dungeons are _so_ secure." It was probably the funnies thing I've heard you say in a while… as you were speaking to the boy who broke out of them, what? Five times?

Until next time, Kitty O.

* * *

THREE (prepare for a long one)

I liked you more in this ep than I have almost all season. You were great! I mean it, you showed all your characteristics. Grumpy, one. (Throwing spears at hapless servants… I knew you were going to take this too far!) Friendship, two. I loved how you insisted on knowing what was wrong… almost like you cared. (But, wait… you _don't_ care…right? Right?) Awkwardness at showing your emotions, three. Like the following conversation:

**You:** Cheer up, will you? *punches in arm*

**Him:** How is punching me in the arm meant to cheer me up?

**You:** It works on the knights…

**Him:** Well, they're thick, aren't they?

**You:** I'm a knight! _(You're walking into this one…)_

**Him:** There you go… _(Told you.)_

Anyway. Lovingness, four. You're all like "Father! Father! Someone hurt my Daddy!" Poor baby. I really felt for you when you begged the evil sorceress to save your Dad and banged against the bars… awww…. Poor BABY! Then, angry I'm-a-knight-AND-a-prince-so-don't-be-messing-with-me-PUNK face. I love that face. (The one when you arrested her.) You are so sweet and at the same time so bad-boy. I can't figure you out! STOP BEING SO COMPLICATED!

PLUS, you are actually intelligent in this one! I love how fast you saw where the poison was. (Why can't you figure Morgana out so easily?)

With affection, Kitty O.

* * *

FOUR

That lovable grin when you heard about Alice! Please, stop, you are melting my heart! Oh, gosh! And you were so cute hiding behind that table, with your hair all messed up and your nightie… Be still my heart. Anyway. I am done fawning, now onto the sarcasm. Yes, that guilty traitor look ("I had no choice") was a little over-dramatic and a little meddling, but I think Gaius forgives you. You were just trying to be good. Not that it makes a difference; everyone one will ALWAYS think the worst of you. (I'm still mad about Arthur thinking you were watching that lady sleep in the Troll episode! How dare he!) But don't worry, dear. I don't think bad things about you.

Anything else? Oh, yeah. You didn't seriously think it would be that easy, did you? Just tell Gaius and show him the box? As if. There were thirty minutes of the show left! You aren't allowed to fix anything until the last five! Stupid, lovable little boy.

Until later, love. Kitty.

* * *

_A/N: Well, that's all for today; I'm too tired for more. Please review (didn't get as many as I hoped last time, but they were still good). I'm so excited for next episode…! I screamed when I saw the preview, gasped, and ran into the den to hug the nearest person. At last! Uther finally gets to see Gwen and Arthur! YAY! It promises to be dramatic, and like the Merlin lover that I am, I love dramatic! YAYAYA…!_


	16. The Buzz in Camelot

Hey. If you readers could do me a favor: Go to my profile and vote on the poll. It's aimed at this fic, so I need voters! Thanks, only takes a moment.

One more thing before we start: I'm going to change the name of this fic from "Rules and Regulations of Camelot" to just "Rules and Regulations", okay? Or do you think I should change it to "Mystery Writer"? The truth is, I just really want to change it, so I'm open to any ideas a reader/reviewer may have. Thanks again!

Answers:

Uno! Alice, totally. She's not a character that's ever coming back, but I liked her. She made me think of my Great-Aunt. Awwwww… I want to look like that when I get old, all rounded and happy-looking… I'm rambling, aren't I? Yeah… moving on.

Dos! Gaius. I know those writers of this show read fan fiction; I just know it… How else would they know that I was ignoring Gaius in my memos before? I'm onto you, writers; I'm onto you. Actually, I'd do the same, especially if I was an actor in this show; just so I could watch amateur writers tear me into sometimes-literal pieces. Fun, fun, fun.

Thres! Arthur, of course. The only really complicated character we have on this show, I think. C'mon, Merlin's not so complicated. Gwen's just sweet. Gaius is… Gaius. We all know why the king is the way he is. And Morgana… she's evil. Just evil. EVIL! No complications. But Arthur different, he's so sad but strong but hurt but mad but loyal… eh, whatever. He's so needy and insecure! (No wonder I plan to marry Merlin instead… wait, did I just say that out loud?)

Uh… the numero after-o Thres! My man, Merlin. (And I'm beginning to believe not just I feel that way either. I'm pretty sure that by the end of this, all of you will be referring to him as "Kitty's Merlin" "My man Merlin" or "The one with that Kit-Kat Bar".)

Speaking of the end… *threat coming; if they make you angry, skip this!* 6 reviews last chapter. I got 11 reviews, 10 reviews, something like 9, then 6. SIX! C'mon, people, if you are losing interest, say so. I have the 'ending' all written out and would like to post it! If you are not losing interest, please take the time to press review and type a few words… "Nice story", "Okay chapter", whatever! (Though of course long reviews are my faves!) *end rant*

I'm afraid this is all I can manage today. I've been feeling rather off-kilter lately, so forgive me. This chapter is just Kitty O (er, me, that is) wandering around Camelot and listening in on everyone's conversations and whatnot. Even as I write this chapter, I have no idea what is about to spout off of my fingertips…

**Randomness of Kitty O…**

Kitty O of Awesomeness (new official title? I think so!) sat listlessly in the shade, enjoying the feeling of her new red hair draping itself around her shoulders. As was her habit, she had changed her appearance for this one-shot, and her eyes were today a smoldering purple. Why? Come now, surely you have wanted purple eyes at some time in your life? (Unless you have them. In which case… never mind.)

She was by the castle of Camelot, smiling to herself as she ate a pomegranate. She had no idea if there actually were pomegranates in Camelot, but to heck with that—she wanted a danged pomegranate! So she leaned back against a pillar, eating her pomegranate (it was very good for something that may or may not be allowed to exist at this time and place).

She wondered to herself if she would actually get away with making this a chapter. Surely her fans would rebel? Surely there would be some revolt? Or perhaps they would excuse her—one can hardly force oneself to be hilarious three times a week without consequence.

Merlin strolled by, and then suddenly pulled up short as he saw her sitting there. "Kitty!" he exclaimed, much surprised. "What are you doing here?"

Kitty sighed. "I'm sitting, preparing to listen to everything going around Camelot and make it somehow funny. Fans are very demanding creatures. I was going to have this satire-filled chapter where I diss the Great Dragon something fierce, but ya know, that takes a heck of a lot of time. Then, I thought I'd make you and Arthur change bodies, but, dude, that also takes_ forever_, so I thought I'd just spout randomness instead and hope the readers are dumb enough to mistake it for, like, a plot." (_**A/N: I didn't say that out loud, and you **_**didn't**_** read it, if you were wondering. Okay?)**_

Merlin's forehead wrinkled. "Cute as it is when you speak American, Kitty, I never know what you are talking about."

"I'm _brooding_, Merlin."

"Oh… I don't suppose you could brood away from Camelot, huh? Because Uther happens to be looking for you and want to kill you and all…"

Suddenly Kitty O grinned. "If I got arrested in Camelot, it would make my day."

After that comment, Merlin walked away shaking his head. Sometimes he didn't understand Kitty O. But, of course, he loved her. He didn't really have a choice with that one.

Unbeknownst (AWESOME WORD ALERT! Go back and read that word. Cool. Now bask in that awesomeness. Cool. Continue reading.) to Merlin, Kitty O got up, dropping her pomegranate, and followed him, thinking that this was as good a way as any to start off listening to the random conversations of Camelot (because, surely everyone has wondered what they REALLY talk about there).

He approached Arthur. The conversation went as follows:

**[MERLIN: **Sup, Arthur?

**ARTHUR: **_(looks at MERLIN uncomprehendingly for a moment, then:) _You've been hanging out with Kitty O again.

**MERLIN:** Sure have. Her American lingo is surprisingly easy to pick up on.

**ARTHUR:** I don't suppose it occurred to you that she is _wanted_, did it? Being with her is technically illegal.

**MERLIN:** Okay… _(pauses)_ and your point is?

**ARTHUR:** Where was she?

**MERLIN:** By the castle.

**ARTHUR:**_ (in disbelief)_ How did no one see her?

**MERLIN:** All of you are really missing the point here. Kitty O is writing this story, so she will only be arrested if she wants to be!

**ARTHUR:** It is my duty to arrest anyone with magic!

**MERLIN:** You do a very, very bad job of it.

**ARTHUR: **I beg your pardon?

**MERLIN:** Just go back and read chapter four.]

Kitty O sighed to herself. Well, this was just your average, ordinary, everyday conversation. She needed something more interesting. Just then she caught sight of Gwen, walking by and having a deep conversation with Sir Leon. Now, this could be interesting!

Sneaking away, Kitty O began to follow Leon and Gwen, listening closely to this:

**[GWEN: **So I told him, keep your hands to yourself! I mean, I don't need this kind of emotional turmoil right now! Sure, sure, it keeps the show interesting and all, but do the writers want to make me a nervous wreck? First I think I'm in love with some servant boy, than my dad dies, and the next thing I know I'm in love with this way-too-attractive Prince? It isn't fair! How can I resist that, anyway? But, like I said, I told him to keep his hands to himself.

**LEON: **Guinevere, you think you have it bad? I don't even know if I'm alive or not! I go out to face this giant man-killing dragon at the end of season 2, and I fall to the ground, not moving. So I'm dead, right? THEN, I'm back in season 3, having boils and all this bad stuff! What I really want to know is: if I was alive, why did Arthur and Merlin leave me lying on the ground? And if I was dead, how am I alive now? Did someone bring me back or what? Do you know what would be the best plot angle? Morgause brought me back and now I owe her and Morgana my loyalty. Wouldn't it be the best thing if there actually was an unknown bad guy here? And I would be such a great bad guy.

**GWEN: **I feel for you, Leon, really I do. But did you read what they have planned for me in the next episode?

**LEON:** No…

**GWEN:** Did you even see the preview?

**LEON:** I don't watch this show. Too depressing.

**GWEN:** Well, let me tell you what the script said…]

Kitty O quickly stuffed her fingers in her ears and walked quickly away, not wanting to have the next episode spoiled for her, especially since it seemed like it was going to be a really good one. She looked around for the next eavesdrop-ees, and quickly caught sight of Morgana, walking alone, but talking to herself. Her curiosity piqued (another awesome word alert!), she turned and began to follow the former Double Agent She-Witch.

**[MORGANA: **_(muttering)_ I should quit. It's ridiculous. It's getting so an evil magic miss can't even think about performing a spell without a servant looking over my shoulder, a suspicious maid, and a sarcastic little twit all getting up in MY business! And through it all, I just have to smirk and bear it, pretending like I'm having the time of my life being evil! Woo-hoo! Well, it's gone too far! It's not a piece of cake concocting an evil scheme! It's hard work, and does it ever pay off? Ever? No! I always, always lose! And of course the writers can't just have me realize, "Oh, wait! My life was a million times easier and happier when I was an awesome good guy!" No. Never. For some reason I still must pretend to like being an evil little nasty! And another thing! I have to hate this whole Arwen pairing… why? It's better than ArMor or Merthur… arguably better than Gwen and Merlin. It's adorable, and I still have to break it up! AND on top of that, this Kitty O person says there is an outline for how to carry out evil plans…and that I must stick to it! What, does she think I'm in school? I mean…]

Kitty O had had enough of that. She walked away from the unhappy witch, wondering to herself what Gwen/Merlin was called anyway. Gwerlin? It sounded like a gnome. Merwen? That sounded suspiciously like baby talk…

Still wondering, Kitty O walked up behind Uther and Gaius, who were having another discussion in the courtyard of the castle. Whatever it was had to be completely serious, because they were arguing intensely.

**[UTHER:** No, Gaius. I'm positive.

**GAIUS:** Sire, I just ask you to consider that you could be wrong in this case.

**UTHER:** No, Gaius, I mean it! I am firm here.

**GAIUS:** Uther, I fear your close-mindedness will be the death of you. You can't even listen to your closest advisor in this, a matter of utmost urgency?

**UTHER:** Gaius, I respect your opinion, but I am firmly convinced that I know more of the matter than you do. My decision stands.

**GAIUS:** Please, Uther…

**UTHER:** Gaius! Another word and I will have no choice but to arrest you!

**GAIUS:** If you are sure, Sire.

**UTHER:** I am. There is most certainly no such thing as Narwhals! And I will not say so again!]

Kitty O promptly turned around, smothering her laughter so the king wouldn't hear, and went back to the castle to laugh herself silly. Stupid Uther. Stupid, stupid Uther! _Of course_ there is such a thing as a narwhal! You can google it!

_A/N: And on that note, I leave you. Please, please, please review! I didn't want to write this chapter but I did it anyway, for the readers. Please! Please! How can you resist such heart-melting pleading?_


	17. Advice to Arthur

Wow, I tell you what, wow!

I leave for a day and come back. Now I am blown away by the number of wonderful reviews. Thanks. I feel like such a horrible person when I threaten, but it does get this job done! 

Also, I shall be leaving that pole open… for a while at least.

Another thing. I shall be changing the name of this fic to "Rules and Regulations" as of next chapter. So be warned.

**DISCLAIMER:** Oh, yeah… I kind of feel like it's time you know… I'm sorry, but it's true. Do I have to say it? Yes… I…I…_ don't-own-Merlin_! Except, you know, in spirit and all. Because he does whatever I ask him to. (It's so sweet.) Oh, if you happen to have connections to the show _Merlin _**(I KNOW YOUR SECRET, MERLIN ACTORS AND WRITERS!), **don't freak out when you read this. I have no plan to actually kill anyone. Colin Morgan, I'm not a scary fan-girl and I don't have any real plans to date you. Too many things in the way… like the Atlantic Ocean! I am just a fan who greatly admires this show for its drama and good acting. (Though I admit, Mr. Morgan, to thinking you are a handsome man.)

I realize, yes, that I just had a conversation with nobody. Call me paranoid.

One more thing: I've finally decided. I will continue this fic until Season Three ends. Then I might finish things up in a chapter or two, and then I will be done. I'm sorry. Please, please don't ask me to continue past this… I have no willpower and things to do with my life! (This is assuming it is a 13 part season as before.)

Everyone reviewed so promptly last chapter that I felt you deserved a reward. Unfortunately, I have no reward to give you. How would you like me to bestow upon you the title of **Noble Reviewers of Kitty O of Awesomeness**? Okay, you got it. I dub all of thee Noble Reviewers! NRKOA! RISE! _FOR NARNIA! _Oops. Getting carried away, huh?

_**Anyway! It's high-time I wrote a letter of advice to Arthur, like I did Gwen in Chapter Two. He needs it. (Actually I'm looking for a chapter to write that won't take too long.)**_

Dear Arthur,

I figured that since you will be playing such a heroic, sweet part next episode, I should probably tear you apart with sarcasm now rather than later.

First order of business: your stupidity. Yeah, I know, this should actually take up several pages. I'll keep it short, however. You really do very stupid things sometimes. But rather than own up to the fact that you are stupid, you just yell at Merlin some more and perhaps throw something at him. Who do you think you are fooling, dear? Not the audience. Not Merlin. WE ALL KNOW YOU ARE STUPID! And it's okay. We love you despite this little fault. But you need to stop yelling at Merlin because you're too slow to guard your own back in a battle. If Merlin saves your life better from a lying down position, then LET HIM stay behind a tree while he saves you.

Of course, if he's going to use magic behind the tree, you might as well turn and see him do it, right? It's not very far. Surely you can afford to look two feet to your left? SURELY? I know, I have covered the your-manservant-is-a-warlock-and-you-are-too-stupid-to-see-it thing before, but it just keeps coming back. You also didn't notice that your sister is an evil witch. You also failed to notice the missing coins in Goblin's Gold, the magic book under Merlin's floorboards, and the troll your father was married to. I could go on, but it would be overkill. I've made my point. You are adorable but idiotic.

Next order of business: Those love spells, arranged marriages, etc. Between Sophia and Vivian, one would think you would learn to be more careful. (With Vivian, you just need to learn to lock you door at night—that jester dude was CREEPY.) And you swallow Merlin's explanations too easily. (HEY ARTHUR! GULLIBLE'S WRITTEN ON THE CEILING…!) My favorite was the one where you actually believed that Merlin managed to knock you out and carry you home, or whatever cock-and-bull story he fed you then. (Didn't you then end the episode threatening Gaius and Merlin to speak of that to no one? As if.)

I will end the letter with a small note of congratulations. Last episode, I watched you find out that the source of injury was poison. Following this amazing deduction, it took you less than two minutes to see that it must have some from Gaius. I kid you not; I clapped. You are slowly getting smarter. Merlin is rubbing off on you.

Sincerely,

Kitty O.

_A/N: I'm sorry, I know. It's really short. But maybe, MAYBE I'll post another chapter tomorrow AND Sunday. REVIEW, NRKOA!_


	18. Merlin Talks to Kitty

Here's thinking all Merlin needs is a shoulder to cry on. And some venting. 

**Welcome to the show! This is Kitty O speaking. Today I'm going to talk to Merlin, main character of **_**Merlin**_**, about his experiences on the show! ***

_(A/N: * Any thing he says is actually my opinion, okay, peoples? I don't know how Merlin thinks!) _

**Welcome to the show, Merlin!**

"It's good to be here, Kitty."

**So tell me a little about yourself, Merlin. **

"I'm a warlock. But that's rather hush-hush. You see, there's this king, Uther, who pretty much hates all magic with a fiery, burning passion. And I mean that literally. BURNING passion. As in, if he suspects you of having magic, he'll…"

**Burn you. We get it. And you live under the rule of this king, even though you are destined to be the greatest warlock ever?**

"Yes."

**Why?**

"Sorry?"

**Why in the world would someone like you –made of magic- even come to Camelot in the first place? And why stay? This always seemed like a rather large plot hole to me. **

"Well, Kitty, I came because my mother wanted Gaius to look after me. I stayed because Gaius taught me things and because I learned of my destiny to save Prince Arthur."

**Most mothers want their kids to be safe. Sending a green, uncontrolled warlock to a place where they'd like to chop his head off…? Did Hunith have a momentary lapse of good sense? **

"… Probably. I will admit that I did wonder myself. Around the second or third time I was thrown in prison, I believe. Was when it occurred to me."

**But let's not common sense get in the way of our enjoyment, eh? Now, Merlin, I wanted to ask you…**

"Kitty, before you ask any questions, may I ask one?"

**Sure.**

"Well, you said that you were going to work on this chapter Thursday afternoon, but it's getting pretty late. What took you so long?"

**Oh, that. Well the truth is that I was just thinking about Merlin, the show, and I suddenly remembered that Colin Morgan is from Northern Ireland. I was seized by a sudden desire to know if he was Catholic. So I looked it up. Unfortunately no site seemed to want to tell me. I did, however, learn some very valuable information, such as the fact that he is allergic to tomatoes, and when he was in the stocks, he had on protective cream so the peasants could pelt him with those very un-rotten tomatoes. **

"That was nice of someone."

**I know, wasn't it? Anyway. I did eventually, after a few hours, find something saying that, in an interview, Bradley James said he was raised in the Catholic faith. I'm not sure if that's a yes or a no. What do you think, Merlin?**

"I'd help you, Kitty, but I'm afraid I only know as much as you do."

**Yeah, I guess my curiosity will never be sated. **

"That's a shame, Kitty. Perhaps you want to move onto your questions now?"

**Hmm? Oh. Yeah. Tell me, Merlin, how do you feel about working for Prince Arthur? As far as I could tell, you weren't too crazy about it in Episode 1. **

"Yeah, but times have changed, Kitty. He's a great guy, really. I love working for him; there's no better boss! Well, you know, except when he's in a bad mood. Or acting like a jerk. Or being an idiot, which he is an awful lot, to be honest. I mean, come on. I'm practically throwing my magic in his face! How does he not notice?"

**It's a fair point; the poor dear is oblivious. Tell me. What's the biggest problem you have with him? **

"…He isn't listening to this, is he…?"

**This is confidential. Except for the part about the whole Earth being able to see it on the Internet. **

"Then I'd have to say it's a tie between one of two things. He's always making me muck out his stalls. It's all I ever do. How many horses can one Prince have? AND HOW MUCH OF A MESS CAN THEY MAKE? My other problem is that he keeps throwing things at me."

**We've noticed that. **

"It's not a big deal when he's just throwing pillows and stuff. I deserve that. But then he starts getting into goblets and spears and _broken _goblets…"

**Merlin. Wrong story. **

"Oops. I'm thinking of that story where you attempt to kill me, aren't I; _How to Accidentally Kill a Warlock_? Have you decided whether or not I'm going to die in it yet?"

**No idea. **

"Liar!"

**Well, the ending's a secret! So shh! Let's get back to the throwing things and how this damages you mentally and all… If the readers wanted to hear about my other fanfics, they'd read them. **

"Well, it's pretty hard on a small, anorexic-looking (_**A/N: Quote to Scientia-potentia-est)**_ warlock to have things flying from every which way at him. And I'm not even allowed to wince when I just know giant cups are flying through the air… straight at my head… ready to cause a concussion! It really is too bad of Arthur; isn't he supposed to be getting better than Season One?"

**I think that's the idea. **

"One of these days I'm going to throw something back. He might put me in the stocks, but you know it would be worth it."

**Thanks, Merlin, for that look into your thoughts. Tell me, how do you feel about Morgana this season? I personally was upset at her for coming back. By the end of the second season I was ready to cheer when you poisoned her. Then she goes and come back, threatening and all… mean. **

"I think it would be slightly OOC for me to cheer at her death, but I see where you're coming from. She was totally different by the end of the second season… kind of weak. Now she's just evil. The other day Arthur commented to me that he thought she had a facial spasm and wondered if she should go to Gaius."

**Poor Arthur. The points he loses for stupidity he barely makes up for by being good-looking. **

"Wait, you think he's good-looking?"

…**No…um, of course not. *laughs awkwardly* Next question! **

"Shoot."

**Wow, you really have been hanging out with me too much. Question: tell me, how do you feel about Gwen knowing Gwen knowing Morgana's secret? She learned it in Eye of the Phoenix… but I don't think she ever told you. Do you even know?**

"As you just told me, I know. As to whether or not I know that Gwen knows in the show, that's up to whether or not Gaius knows to tell me… Kitty!"

**What?**

"Kitty, dear, I know you are beginning to mix up my words to turn them into a whole 'she knows that he knows that it knows', so stop."

**Just a spot of innocent fun, Merlin… **

"I do wish Gaius would tell he that I know, so she could tell me she knows, and we could know together, you know?... KITTY!"

**Sorry! Excuse me for trying to make this funny!**

"You are excused. It's very hard now to know who knows what secret. Who knows I have magic, Kitty?"

**Er, Gaius and Lancelot. And you. Not Morgana, though she's an idiot for not knowing that. **

"Who knows Morgana's an idiot… I mean sorceress?"

**Oh, um, you. And Gwen. **

"And Gaius. Who knows Gwen knows?"

…**Gaius. Not you. **

"So who knows everything?"

**Gaius. And.. nope, just Gaius. No, wait, the Dragon does too! Only the darogn doesn't know Gwen knows...**

"Who knows nothing?"

**Arthur and Uther. **

"And Gwaine."

**Right. **

"You see how hard it is to keep up with my own life?"

**I positively do. **

"There. I'm just going to snap one day, start shooting spells right and left and center…Yelling at Morgana and saying "What now?" to Arthur… No one will suspect anything, but then I'll just start. The looks on their faces…"

**This sounds like this is a common fantasy for you. **

"Oh. It is."

**Well, Merlin, it is time for a commercial break. Thanks for being on the show. You might want to head back home now, because you know those soldiers who always seem to be searching for me since that one-shot with Uther? They should be busting in here any second. **

"Thanks, Kitty! I'll be getting out of here before I'm arrested."

**Cheerio.**

_A/N: I realize that I didn't give anyone much time to review last chapter, but I appreciate the ones who managed to review anyway. Now that this chapter is over, you know what to do, NRKOA! _

_See you tomorrow when I post my memos for Queen of Hearts. (SQUEAL!)_


	19. Many Many More: A Myriad of Memos

Forgive me, readers… I couldn't help myself… I clapped again when Uther caught Arthur and Gwen. I'm soooo evil! And I squealed. Multiple times. *giggles*

Oh, by the way, thanks for all the reviews. Let me tell you something… I want to try and get 200 by the end of this fic. Yeah, I know, a tall order, but I think if I continue to get 10 reviews for every chapter, I can make it. No, NRKOA, there is nothing in it for you. Just for me. But everyone loves me, right? …Right?

Oh, by the way, has anyone ever noticed that usually at dinner only Gwen serves the family? Today Merlin helped. Go moral support. Also, where is Uther's servant? Doesn't he have one? He needs one.

I liked the way Morgana and Arthur talked early in the episode. It was almost like the old way… but not, you know, because she's evil. (I felt I should remind you of that in case you forgot.)

Oh, last night I went back and watched Merlin poison Morgana again. I thought it might make me more sympathetic… No. All I thought was "Poor Merlin" and "Good, you deserve it, you witch." Sigh.

Onto the memos.

* * *

ONE

I'm so glad I got on your case _earlier_, because after this episode, I'm nearly in love with you myself. It was so sweet—you were just like a boy in love, especially when you dropped that silver plate and when you spoke to Morgana. ("Is it that obvious? She talks about me? What does she say?")

"Stay still…" Haha, genius line, dear. Oh, by the way, I actually didn't mind the way you and Gwen kiss. Usually I'm pretty grossed out by that kind of thing, but you two didn't make _noises…_ So it's okay.

However, of course I didn't have NO problems with you today. That would be strange. No, you had two mini-mental-problems. One, "I'll give up the throne!" You dolt! I mean, that wouldn't quite convince Uther you AREN'T enchanted, will it? Especially as, you know, as far as Uther knows, the throne is the most precious thing to you. Idiot. Way to go. You always make things worse! Two, you actually believed that Merlin spent all day in the tavern. Today. Of all days. WHY THE HECK WOULD MERLIN BE GOOFING OFF ON THE DAY GWEN WAS GOING TO BE BURNED? And if he was in the tavern, getting drunk, you shouldn't be upset. You should be worried about Gwen… not Merlin's location. You should undersatnd his wish to get drunk anyway, because having one of your best friends burned is a very hurtful thing... Don't men in TV shows always get drunk over that sort of thing?

But, complaints aside, you were too sweet in this episode. "Obviously I'd take Merlin with me and he'll do all the hard work." Uh… he already does.

Sincerely, Well-I-Think-You-Know-Who-This-Is-From.

* * *

TWO

I'm beginning to get used to the fact that you are an evil word-I-can't-use. I still don't like it. Like I said, I went back and saw you "die" last night, and let me tell you… If Merlin tried to kill me in order to save all of Camelot while he cried like that and kept insisting he had no choice… I don't think I'd hate him. I might not like him. But I would get over my little self. Any more complaints? Hmmm… Oh, yeah. If Uther was my guardian, I wouldn't hate him. I'd consider myself lucky to be a friend, not an enemy. Stupid.

I do have one thing to thank you for. When Gwen walked out of your room in the first few minutes of the episode, you did not smirk. You glowered. And I was glad.

~Kitty

* * *

THREE

Really, did you just ask that? "Where will I go?" Dear… don't you have a brother? And as he's not around, I'm assuming he actually left town and started his own forge, instead of staying in Camelot (like we thought he did). So, it didn't occur to you to go to your brother? Come now. Are all of you stupid?

But…didn't it make you feel better when Arthur lunged across the room and grabbed you, kissing you dramatically in front of everyone? I'll admit that it didn't get much done in the way of helping you, but it would've made me feel a heck of a lot better. (Um… don't show this memo to Merlin…) The scene was incredible.

Love, Guess-Who

* * *

FOUR

"Sister….Sister… Sister… This way…"

Yeah, you were taunting me, weren't you? YOU WERE AIMING THAT AT ME, WEREN'T YOU? Oh, and you knew Gwen's name! You called her by name! Haha, that's Evil Nasty Ladies, 1; Uther, 0.

~Kitty O

* * *

FIVE

Draggoon? The Great? Okay. Okay.

You were too awesome for words in this episode, so let me just put the notes I had:

You gave the you-like-him-and-he-likes-you speech. Evidently it isn't as modern as I thought. I love the way you stand back and love every moment of Gwen and Arthur's romance. True Friends.

"You look lovely." Aw, how sweet. You told her she looked lovely. I like you more every second.

Him: "You couldn't keep a secret if your life depended on it!" Oh, the irony. He certainly would be surprised, but don't tell him yet! I like your head on your shoulders!

You. The only sorcerer stupid enough to get caught. On purpose. Let me tell you, you're an ugly 80-year-old. But you were too funny: "What plan?" "Exactly! That's why you can't run me through!" Haha.

One last comment: Stupid arrogant old tyrant. Mistreat servants. Spoiled arrogant brat with the brains of a donkey (AND EARS OF A DONKEY!) and face of a toad. Wow, my dear. That was not acting… We all know you meant every word you said. Must be nice to get that all out.

And that is all.

~Your lady

* * *

SIX

You walk in, we all prepare ourselves for the yelling… and you laugh. You laugh. YOU LAUGH, YOU STUPID ARROGANT OLD TYRANT! No serious harm? Had your fun? What? I'm so very sorry to have to tell you, but your son isn't just having a fling. Shame. However, I kind of liked the way you claimed that you knew the temptation of serving girls. It's like: Wait, what? You were once that young?

YOU HIT HER. You… freak…! I nearly screamed! I'm so mad at you about that, and about trying to use her father's death to make her look guilty…! Don't get me wrong, most of the time I love you. But I have absolutely no patience for hitting women, especially ones who are unable to hit back. Don't do it again, or I WILL add you to my kill-list. Again. I'll put you back on it.

Sincerely, Kitty O (You can't catch me!)

* * *

_A/N: Well, I'm mad. Arwen did not come out. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with this show…! Ah, well. Review, NRKOA!_


	20. Kitty Zings the Great Dragon

Hello, readers! Well, everyone seems to have adopted their title of **Noble Reviewers of Kitty O of Awesomeness **quite well. Some are even signing reviews with it. I think I shall keep using it then! (Oh, feel free to post on your profile that you are a member of the NRKOA if you have ever reviewed. If not, review and you can!)

Answers!

Well, Arthur got ONE. Again, I'm so glad I picked on him _before _last episode, because that 'I'll-always-love-you' kiss still has me breathless. Amazing acting, Bradley; you even have someone as unromantic as me going.

TWO went to Morgana. She wasn't surprised at all to get it – it was the first thing she looked for when she came back into her room that night. She's catching on. *Gulp*

Obviously, Gwen got THREE. Arthur didn't kiss anyone else. No one else has a brother—who, by the way, I hear will return at the end of Season 3! Along with Gwaine. And Lance. All in the same place. Beg pardon while I go hyperventilate and then cry with happiness.

Evil Agent Big-Eyes reviewed Memo number FOUR. She smiled. Morgause thinks she's so clever, whispering 'Sister' like that just to annoy me. Certain members of the NRKOA admitted to thinking of my story during this episode… I bet that's when it was, huh?

FIVE: My man Merlin! Oh, **scientia-potentia-est **put a nice little rant in her review, so I'll C&P (this is instead of the you-mistreat-servants spiel). "Well, Mr. Arthur-Crown-Prince, I am nearing the end of my days, am very old (yadayadayada..), and so when I heard about you and your maiden, I decided 'Hey, ain't that a good way to go?' so I pretended to put this under your pillow in order to free your lady, in exchange for my own old and worthless life, and also to prove to you that MAGIC CAN BE AWESOME." I like the idea, except then Uther would never have released Gwen, because it wouldn't count as a confession. By the way, **scientia**, since both nouns of you pen name are in the nominative case, wouldn't it be easier to put scientia-est-potentia? Personally, I generally see 'is' in the middle, acting as a sort of equal sign. But your way is correct, too. I'm just saying. *cough* _showing off that I know Latin too _*cough*

And Uther got SIX. I've decided to forgive him for hitting Gwen, because A, he was REALLY worried about his son. B, as I've pointed out, Merlin's blown up more women than Uther's slapped. C, it didn't look all that real. Stage-slap! Pseudo-slap! (Which is a good thing. Angel might have been miffed if Anthony slapped her for real.)

**Shout out of the week? Timothy took.** Cool name, cool picture, smart person for going back and reviewing every chapter not already reviewed. I went up 15 reviews. Almost like cheating. But not. Clever. **Also, Midnight Vampire Charlotte** reviews like, every chapter. I'm very grateful for the urging on, but I never said so. Bad Kitty.

**So. **In this chapter, the lovable Kitty O will try and zing the Great Dragon. Let's hope she doesn't get eaten. Still, nothing like going out in a blaze of sarcasm, right? …RIGHT? Hello? Oh, everyone is already hiding. Probably wise.

* * *

Kilgar-whats-his-name ducked into his craggy cave, yawning to himself after a particularly exhausting day of being the last dragon in existence, who was supposedly dead. (Tiring work, that.)

He was rather surprised to turn around and spot a little woman in his cave, dressed in blue jean shorts and a T-shirt, two articles of clothing he had never seen humans wear before. But that wasn't what startled him the most—who cared what she wore? _**(A/N: Merlin does! Oops, too soon in the one shot for an interruption, huh?)**_ No, he was taken aback by the fact that she was there at all. The only human to enter his cave so far had been unconscious at the time. Merlin.

"Who are you?" asked the dragon.

"I thought you knew everything. At least, that is the impression you go for?" quipped the girl.

"Obviously you have no destiny here, or I would know," snapped the dragon. How dare she doubt that he was omniscient?

The girl nodded. "Fair enough. My name is Kitty O. I'm just here to interrupt season three with my sarcasm and wit."

"Where are you from?"

"2010. Only a couple of thousand years away… You don't think that's too large an age difference, do you?"

"…No."

"Good. I'll tell Merlin."

The Dragon had had about enough of this… Who did this little human think she was? "Tell me what you are doing here, human…" he threatened.

"Kitty, thanks. I'm here to zing you."

There was a question in the dragon's eyes. Kitty smiled and pulled out a piece of paper from her jeans pocket. "I'm here to tell you about all your little plot holes and be sarcastic at you."

The Great Dragon thought he could've burned her to a crisp, but for some reason he did not. Instead he asked, "You wrote it all down?"

"Naturally. I was going to write a letter, but I figured you might not see the writing, being human-sized and all."

The Great Dragon was actually a little amused.

She continued, "Okay, first thing. Do dragons reproduce asexually?"

There was silence as the dragon considered whether or not to be offended.

"I mean, if not, what exactly was the point in convincing Merlin to let you live? You said you were the last dragon alive, right? So your race will die because there is no female. Unless you reproduce asexually."

The dragon opened its mouth, but she cut him off.

"Or do you live forever? Please tell me you don't live forever, because THAT would be bad. We'd never be rid of you! It would also make you wonder why there are even female and male dragons at all… Ever heard of overpopulation? That's what happens when you live forever AND reproduce."

"We don't… exactly…"

"Then are you ase—?"

"No!"

"Then there is no hope of reproduction… unless we have some freaky weirdo magic thing happen… So, there really is no point in sparing you because you are the 'last of your kind'."

The dragon did not like where this was going…

"So basically, you just asked Merlin for mercy because you were scared of dying, even though you deserved it?"

"No!" barked the dragon, but before he could say anymore, Kitty pressed:

"Then give me the other good reason."

Another moment of silence. "I am the last of my kind."

"Yeah, okay. You were scared." She pulled out a pencil and scribbled furiously on the paper.

Again, Kilagarrah or whatever his name is opened his mouth to speak. Again she cut him off.

"So, what is it with you and the cruel fascination with seeing how many loved ones you can make Merlin kill?"

"I beg your pardon…" said the dragon, insulted out of acting superior and cryptic.

"Come now. You made him poison Morgana – not that I disapprove. I was rooting for you there. Also, you tricked him into nearly killing his mom. And if not for you, he never would've gone to find his dad... Who never would've died."

The dragon couldn't really think of what to say.

"So you admit it!"

"I didn't say anything!" his great voice rumbled.

"You didn't deny it. So, I'll just tell Merlin it was your inner sadistic nature coming out?"

"…No."

"Or I could say you were obliging the fangirls who just really wanted to see him cry?"

He couldn't deny it. _If dragons could blush, _she thought as he looked intently at the ground. She wrote it down.

"Good. Now that we understand the problem, it will be easier to fix. Don't worry, I won't psychoanalyze you. Yet. Third thing. Are we to understand you support Merthur?"

The dragon blinked. "What?"

"Merthur."

He blinked again. "Are you really asking that question to a mythical creature from the 10th century or thereabouts that question?"

"Yes."

"…Arthur goes for Gwen. The legend says so."

"Then why, Dragon dude, WHY do you give those slashers IDEAS?"

There was a moment of awkward silence. Again. "… I don't."

"You do. Destiny? Two sides of the same coin? Come now, it is no wonder that they jumped on it. You could've been more clear there… how about, 'You and Arthur are two sides of the same coin but only in a figurative sense and not really but mostly you are just friends that need each other to create a completely brotherly friendship-y destiny of a great united country where ARTHUR marries GWEN'?"

"For one thing, because that is a run on sentence."

Kitty O sighed. It was; he had a point. "'You and Arthur are two sides of a figurative coin that symbolizes your FRIENDSHIP and united destiny. This destiny is to see the country united under Arthur. Then Arthur will marry Gwen, who will hopefully not cheat on him'."

The Great Dragon nodded. He could just flame her now (it sounded appealing), but now he felt obligated to answer. As long as there were no more questions. "Because that is OOC; it does not match my mysterious personality."

Kitty O let out a cough that sounded strangely like, "_Cough-slasher-cough." _

Before the dragon could become offended or demand she get out (since she was writing the story, he didn't think she would let him roast her), she looked down at her list and said, "One last thing. About your childhood. I know it must have been rather lonely, growing up a sad and ugly dragon, but do you really think this neglect is a reason to…"

* * *

Far away, in Prince Arthur's room, Merlin looked up from making the bed. "Did you hear that, Arthur?"

Arthur looked up from the desk, tilting his head. "The sound of something roaring loudly in pent-up frustration such as can only be caused by an annoying woman? The sound of something in metaphorical agony?"

"That's the thing I meant."

"No. I didn't hear that. At all."

Merlin nodded happily, comforted. "No, I didn't think so… I didn't hear it either."

_A/N: End! Oh, help! I am OFFICIALLY out of ideas! You must give me lots of reviews with ideas! (Fenedra, can I still use the body swap?) AHHHH! I don't know what to do! REVIEW! (Let's see if we can get 13 reviews this chapter, huh? Just try!) _


	21. Questionnare

Hey, earthlings!

Look, forgive me if this as funny as it could be. I'm not asking; I'm ordering you to forgive me. I had a meltdown earlier today AND I'm still trying to digest all those ideas y'all gave me AND I'm only human AND I'm presently being forced to read a book about the history of an element AND I'm tired, gosh-dog it. So forgive me. And still review, if you please. It makes me feel better when I get lots and lots of reviews!

Do I have a shout-out? Oh, yes, DO I EVER have a shout out. **Redlily188 **accused me of stealing her sleep, beauty, and homework time, so she deserves a shout out! Know what else she did? She actually told me there was a part in my story she didn't like. Thank you, lily-person, for giving me a much needed kick in the ego in a positive way. Here I was, thinking I was perfect… (Nah, kidding, I still think I'm perfect.) Now, the rest of you, don't start thinking you can get away with this. I may need it, but I LIKE when you stoke my ego! Remember, flattery will get you anywhere! (**But **not that stupid tavern in Main Square…)

Also, thank you **JumpingOverMountains. **Here I was, browsing through the reviews for another story (NOT MINE!) and I spot a bunch of references toward me! Thank you, I'm glad I am one of your favorites, but let's hold back on the funny-duel-off. I am only funny because the extreme mental energy I put towards it. (I'm going to explode soon, I know it.) And I also saw the 'broken goblet' reference… and I quote: "Arthur really needs to stop throwing things at Merlin. One of these days he's going to end up lobbing a broken goblet, and seriously hurt him." Thanks again, it made my day! I feel like a legend in my own time!

* * *

Arthur strolled into his room and saw Merlin sitting on his bed, reading a sheet of notebook paper. The sight of it filled Arthur with horror; only one person in Camelot used notebook paper…

Merlin looked up. "Hi, Arthur."

"Kitty O sent a new chapter?"

"Not exactly," said Merlin. "And you say it like it's a bad thing."

"Isn't it?"

"Of course not! She's a wonderful writer!" defended Merlin, seriously considering challenging Arthur to a duel again.

Arthur shook his blond head. "Look, you wait until she writes a song about your teddy bear, and _then_ tell me how great she is!"

Merlin shook his head. "Want to hear this note?"

"NO!"

"…Too bad. _Dear Arthur and Merlin, _it reads, _this is not a story or a list or a letter: it is a questionnaire. You will read and answer the questions. If you get them wrong, there will be amusing and unfortunate consequences. If you don't answer at all, same thing. Sorry, I'm really hard-pressed for a chapter this week._"

Arthur groaned. "I guess we have to do this, huh?"

"Looks like it."

"What is the first question, Merlin?"

" One. '_Which character do I like least?'_"

"…Me," moaned poor Arthur. "She hates me."

"Nah, she doesn't," said Merlin soothingly. "She picks on you because she loves you."

Arthur thought about it some more. "If it isn't me, it has to be Morgana. After all, she didn't try to kill anyone else. Right?"

"Not that I know of. I'll put Morgana."

Merlin pulled out a ballpoint pen and wrote down 'The Lady Morgana' on the paper.

_**A/N: Are they right?**_

"Okay, next."

"Do we have to?"

"Arthur, stop whining. Nothing bad has happened yet! Two. _'Who do I like most?'_"

Arthur sighed. "That, at least, is a no-brainer. She's dating you, right? Who else would she like most?"

"I don't know…" muttered Merlin. "She's not very romantic. She wouldn't even let me kiss her in Chapter 13."

"Oh, come. On. Put Merlin. Right now."

"But what if it is someone else? I don't want consequences."

Arthur walked over the manservant and yanked the paper and pen from his hand. "I'll put it," he growled, sitting on a nearby chair and using his knee to write the word 'Merlin'.

_**A/N: Well, is Arty right? This is a tough one… not! **_

"Three. _'Who am I torn about?' _Well…" started Arthur.

"Uther. It's Uther."

"Right-o. I'll write it."

_**A/N: I'm not even going to ASK you…**_

Merlin took the paper back and read, "Four_. 'What chapters are my favorite two?'_"

"That one is harder. What do you think?"

"Well, knowing Kitty like I do, she always thinks the beginning is best and the last is worse."

"Chapter One and Two?"

"…But she also likes lots and lots and lots of reviews! So what was the earliest one with really enthusiastic responses?"

Arthur's face fell. "Do I have to say it? I HATE that chapter."

"Yeah. I think we have to."

"But it left me with such emotional scars."

"…Consequences, Arthur."

"Chapter Three. Arthur and Merlin Read a Fanfic." Under his breath he grumbled, "A _slash _fanfic, nonetheless."

Merlin wrote it down. "What else?"

Arthur shrugged. "You know, I think I remember her mentioning this review… What was it they said? 'The most original reveal fic'? Something like that. I think Chapter Four, Merlin Fesses Up, is the other one."

"Which was that?"

"Sorry?"

"I don't remember what happened in it."

"That's the point, Arthur." Merlin ignored Arthur's confused look and wrote it.

_**A/N: Let me put you at ease. Those are the correct answers. What are your favorites?**_

"Five. _'What is my favorite color?'_"

Arthur spluttered, "What? How in the world are we supposed to know THAT?"

Merlin continued, "It says,_ 'Hint. I changed my eye color twice in this story. (The Buzz in Camelot and When you Mix Magic and Spies.) It is one of those two colors.'_ Thanks, Kitty, for the sporting chance." _**(A/N: Welcome! Only fair, right? Besides, I have to make some difficult, or there is no way you'll miss one and have Arthur… er, nevermind…)**_

"What were the colors, Merlin?"

"Turquoise and purple."

"Which one do you think is it?"

Merlin shrugged. "Turquoise?"

"Purple. Girls like purple… its all royal and stuff."

"Maybe."

"Sure it is. Put purple."

"Okay." Merlin did.

_**A/N: Don't worry, y'all, not much more of this torturous chapter. (OHH! Torturous=AWESOME WORD!) Were they right?**_

"Six. It asks what a raven and a writing desk have in common."

"What's the answer?"

"Inky quills, Arthur. Inky quills."

He wrote it down.

_**A/N: Take that, Alice in Wonderland!**_

"Seven. How many fics has she written and how many were for _Merlin_? What are the others for and why did she write them?"

Arthur cursed, but Merlin smiled and looked up.

Arthur followed his gaze. "What?"

"I'm looking at the top of the page… It says there the number."

"I see nothing."

"I'm cooler than you. Fourteen fics. I only remember her putting me in nine, though."

"Yeah, but Merlin, you were dead in _The Aftermath._"

"True… golly, that was a disturbing story! Oh, and I wasn't born in the one about Ygraine. So 11. What happened to the other three?"

"No idea."

"Oh, wait… let me picture her profile page."

Arthur waited patiently as Merlin's eyes glazed over.

"Okay," said Merlin. "Three stories for an American Western called _Bonanza_."

"Why would she want to write for that when she can write about me?" asked Arthur in disbelief.

Merlin raised an eyebrow. "Uh… they are cowboys. She's a girl. They have guns and Indians and lots and lots of angsty deaths. Come on, Arthur. This one is a little obvious."

Arthur grumbled, "Yeah, I'll bet she gave them teddy bears too."

Merlin ignored him and wrote it down. "That was the last one!"

"Yay."

"I wonder how we tell her we finished."

Arthur shrugged. "Shouldn't she just know? She is writing this as we speak."

"How will we know if we got them all right?" asked Merlin, but before he even finished the sentence, there was a bang.

Merlin jumped up and scooted away from the sudden explosion of smoke that came from where Arthur had been sitting. He stared in open-mouthed horror and coughed with a mouthful of smoke. Had Kitty just killed Arthur?

But no. It was worse. Where Arthur had been, there sat a fluffy, light blue bunny.

He groaned. "Not funny, Kitty. Not funny at all."

_**A/N: Yes, it is. He makes a beautiful bunny. Anyone for rabbit stew? KIDDING! GEEZ! I know it wasn't all that funny, but you people are lucky I tried at all. So please review but not too harshly. Which one did they get wrong? **_

_**I will permit Arthur to be human for this week's ep, okay? And by the way, no chapter next Friday. (And the Sunday might not be up until Monday, so sorry!)**_


	22. Even More Memorable Memos

*Cough* Well! This is awkward, isn't it? For those of you who saw last chapter and were confused: No, I don't think Merlin-torture is humorous. You might want to go back and check again. You might be amazed that *cough* the chapter has changed entirely. Word of advice? Never post a heart-wrenching chapter and a funny chapter within five minutes of each other. Just don't. They might get, uh, mixed up. Of course, it isn't like I posted the wrong chapter or anything…heh heh… Silly **Fenedra**! How could you think my perfect self would do that? (Yes, I shall keep blaming you. If I ever manage to think of an angle for that poem, you will get it!)

200 REVIEWS! Yes! **Sarahluvsdwrh**, are you going to make me write a poem? But you have a very hard name to work with and I've already used you once… Would you be appeased if I finally agreed to your request and gave Gaius's eyebrow a chapter? You would? Yay, because I am working on that now!

And, by the way, I'd like to thank everyone again for the feedback. This fic, which was begun LITERALLY in the middle of another chapter for something else, would never have gotten past Chapter One if not for one little alert by **scientia** over there—I forgot to click 'Complete', and the next thing you know, this is my biggest story ever. I know how J.K. Rowling feels with her little napkin Harry Potter now. (Well, minus all that money.) Two reviews and one alert caused me to write over twenty chapters, create a gild (NRKOA), and reach over 200 reviews. Thank you, everyone! So much! I could go through and list every single little word that was my inspiration (which would include the fact that my favorite chapter, 4, was inspired by two words in **dannic38**'s first review—fess up), but this is getting sappy enough. And I don't do sappy. So I shall be moving on, with another thank you to **dannic38 **and everyone else.

Answers?

Q#1: They were right. At least everyone knows Morgause is evil, so she doesn't bug me so much. But Morgana… urgh. I hate her so bad.

Q#2: DUH It's Merlin! He's so sweet. And cute. And he doesn't take it badly when I accidently post the wrong chapter (WHICH I DID NOT DO) and torture him in my humor fic. Which is admirable. My second favorite is Arthur; he's so stupid.

Q#3: Positively Uther! They were right.

Q#4: I already told you that was correct. And I was interested to hear everyone else's favorite chapters… They were all so different! And it is so funny. People say they love Chapter 2, which I disliked, and other such chapters I wasn't crazy about, but rarely did anyone mention my favorites (you know, my favorites after 3 and 4), such as Mr. Bobo's poem, or Love Letters. Funny, that…

Q#5: This is the one they got wrong, and I know it isn't fair. But I needed Arthur to turn into a bunny. Turquoise is my all-time favorite color! And actually, yes, that was partly why Arthur turned blue. I'm surprised you noticed. (You NRKOA are amazing!)

Q#6: I guess there is no answer, but I always liked 'inky quills'.

Q#7: They were right. 14 fics, 11 about _Merlin_ and 3 about _Bonanza_. Sigh… I love my Westerns!

So. Onto the Craziness!

I know this episode my have seemed like a filler, but it wasn't, in my opinion. It really showed you what magic was all about and in many ways it paralleled both the first episode and To Kill the King.

MEMOS!

* * *

ONE

Stop trying to suck up to me. I know what you are doing; you are making yourself more and more lovable so that I won't embarrass you again. I'm onto you, buddy. I'm onto you. You managed to show us the great guy you are beginning to be, while at the same time you retained your annoying-ness. ("Merlin?" "Yes?" "Shut up.") AND we got a great bit of humility in there! Really, throwing away that fight was the right thing to do, and it brought its own reward. My favorite parts were probably:

"Do you have any idea what it is like to live with a man who constantly thinks he's the best?" You walked into that one again. Please stop making it so easy for Merlin to BURN you. Even I could've insulted you there.

Him: "He threw the fight so that I might save face!" You: "You knew?" I really wanted him to reply with: "Well, I didn't know but you just told me!" Stupid.

Also, this show really showed us what a great king you will be—with a certain someone giving you advice all the time!

Sincerely,

Kitty!

* * *

TWO

I really think that the writers were trying to show us an AU version of Merlin with you. In the very beginning, when you are walking down the road, I squealed, "JUST LIKE THE FIRST EPISODE!" Except, you know, Merlin didn't get jumped in the first episode… *cough*. But in many ways, like I said, you are like he was: young and thirsting to use your magic. Your speech about being no one if you can't use magic really gave me déjà vu. Are you trying to show us what could happen to Merlin if he was recognized in the beginning, just like you were? He'd become a power hungry king-killer?

You won my heart from the beginning with your silly looks and your big blue eyes; I cheered for you the entire time. Except, you know, when you tried to kill Uther and all…And congrats on making Merlin uncomfortable. Of course, he was right and you were wrong, but still. You made him wonder whether or not he was actually doing the right thing. And you made him go to Mr. Dragon, who he only goes to when his decisions are 'pick your poison' scenarios. (Sometimes they literally force him to pick a poison.) So congrats!

Kitty O, the Friendly Neighborhood Advice Giver

* * *

THREE

"Did anyone think this tournament through?" What, are you stupid? Do you think anyone in this show thinks anything through? Did your mom think through sending you to Camelot to be killed? Did Arthur think through hitting you with that broken goblet? (Oops wrong story!) Erm, I meant, did Arthur really think through the whole 'Let's have a picnic, Gwen'? Did Uther really think through the whole 'let's cheat on my best friend with his wife'? (I hope he didn't, because if he did…) Did Gilly think through killing the king? NO ONE THINKS ANYTHING THROUGH; YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS. In a good way.

Besides, I think the tournament is a GREAT IDEA! Everyone gets to take out their negative feelings for each other with no punishment! (Oooh! Can I join? Can Morgana? Let's have one big Kitty-Shall-Teach-All-You-Idiots-A-Lesson fest, shall we?)

By the way, I love the part when you and Gilly are, like, crying your eyes out over using magic. No wonder the lot of you get picked on! It's not very manly to cry every other episode, you know. Where is your pride? Heck, I'd even accept your ego getting in the way. I don't expect you to suddenly dawn some armor, but make an effort not to sob every five minutes in public.

One more thing. "If you continue to use magic here, you will be caught; Uther will have you executed!" Well… never stopped you, did it?

Love, ME!

* * *

FOUR

Well, my respect for you went up a few points during this episode. Not only was your plan NOT meat-handed and obvious, but it was half-decent. It didn't even involve you and it used what was already happening, a point I believe I brought up in our first Bad Guy Lesson. And You didn't even smirk while letting this happen! (Well…. Not much…) So I know you must've been taking notes. Incredible. You pass with a B+ this semester. Your sister has done much yet, though… I will watch her.

With Hate,

Kitty O

* * *

FIVE

"I was beginning to hope you had forgotten me." I was beginning to hope the same. You never give any really good advice; I mean, Merlin could've figured all of that out by himself, you know. All you do is look bloodthirsty, suggest Merlin emotionally wound himself by killing everyone he loves, and encourage slashers. GO HOME, WHY DON'T YOU, MR. USELESS?

~Kitty

* * *

SIX

Just a quick note. Thanks for leaving Gilly alive, showing you are a human being underneath, seeing past what Arthur was doing, and being plain awesome. I love you! (And I'm considering not putting you back on the kill-list.) Thanks.

Kitty O.


	23. Three for Breakfast

**To all slash fans that read this story:** It's really great that you can laugh at Merthur and yourselves (as well as at me, Arthur, Mr. Dragon, Merlin, Arthur again…) and not be offended by my sarcasm. So thanks, more than I can say, for never flaming me/yelling at me/ throwing knives at me/ killing me/ burning me in the middle of Camelot/ turning me in to Uther.

(And good for those of you who laughed when you saw the number of slashes I put into the sentence above.)

ANSWERS:

One. Hmm. Who do we know that is getting more and more lovable as time goes on? Who do we know that's going to be king? Yep, it's Arthur.

Two. Gilly or Gilli or whatever his name is. Not everyone agreed that he seemed like Merlin, but I stand fast to my statement.

Three. If I could think of a way to make Kitty v. Morgana in a tournament funny and not bloody... then trust me, I'd make that a chapter. My man Merlin's memo.

Four. Morgana. "Hey, Morgana, how would you like to enter this tournament I thought up...?"

Five. The dragon. Drag-meister. That dude with the scary yellow eyes...? Yeah, you know the one.

Six. Uther, who I am becoming less and less torn about. I love this dude.

ONTO THE CHAPTER!

_(Scene opens in Arthur's room. ARTHUR is sitting in a chair, eating breakfast, his sword next to him. MERLIN is beside him, doing whatever it is MERLIN usually finds to do.)_

**ARTHUR:** _(looks longingly at his sword) _Please.

**MERLIN:** No!

**ARTHUR:** _(pleading)_ But she's SO annoying.

**MERLIN:** _(Stubbornly)_ I told you, you are NOT allowed to kill Kitty when you find her.

**ARTHUR:** _(glaring at his manservant_) She turned me into a blue bunny! A fat, fluffy, blue bunny!

**MERLIN:** …But she turned you back.

**ARTHUR:** After we had the cook chasing us wanting to make rabbit stew, Leon chasing us wanting to go hunting, and little kids chasing us claiming you were stealing the Easter Bunny, something I didn't even know existed in this time and age!

_(MERLIN shrugs nervously and begins making Arthur's bed.)_

**MERLIN:** It was just a bit of fun.

**ARTHUR:** _(in disbelief) _Merlin!

**MERLIN:** Well, surely you aren't going to kill her just for that!

**ARTHUR:** She's a SORCERESS. She's going to get killed anyway.

**MERLIN**: _(grasping at straws)_ What about a fair trial?

**ARTHUR:** _(exasperated_) Merlin.

**MERLIN:** Okay, so that wouldn't do much good. Still, you can't just run her through. Even if she mocked Mr. Bobo, which is the real reason you hate her. And you know it.

**ARTHUR:** _(spluttering)_ Is not! I hate her because she's a menace!

**MERLIN:** No… I'm pretty sure it's Mr. Bobo.

**ARTHUR:** Look, can we leave him out of this?

**MERLIN:** _(slowly)_ Arthur. It's not a 'him'. It's an 'it'.

**ARTHUR:** _(much insulted_) Is too a 'him'.

**MERLIN:** Is not!

**ARTHUR:** Is too!

**MERLIN:** Is not!

**ARTHUR**: Is too unless you want to clean out my stables!

**MERLIN:** _(after a pause)_ Okay. It's a 'him'.

**ARTHUR:** So hah.

**MERLIN:** Now let's discuss why you get so defensive of Mr. Bobo.

**ARTHUR:** I've had him longer than I've had you!

_(MERLIN strolls over to the other side of the room and picks up Arthur's teddy bear, a ratty thing with missing stuffing and one eye. MERLIN studies him.)_

**MERLIN:** Well, that much is obvious.

**ARTHUR:** It isn't fair of Kitty to make fun of me! Like she never had a teddy bear!

_(Suddenly the door opens and KITTY O walks in, making her first appearance in quite a while. Which is quite a shame, because she is an awesome person to have appear in a fic...) _

**KITTY O:** Actually, I never had a teddy bear. I always thought it would come alive and eat me in the middle of the night.

_(ARTHUR sees her and panics, going for his sword immediately, while MERLIN's reaction is one of pleasure. MERLIN puts down the teddy bear and goes to greet her.)_

**KITTY O: **Morning, everyone! Arthur, put that down.

_(ARTHUR reluctantly lowers his sword.)_

**MERLIN:** Kitty! What are you doing here?

**KITTY O:** Came to say hi, actually. Hi!

**ARTHUR:** _(confused)_ You realize I have to arrest you now, right? Because you are a wanted sorceress?

**KITTY O:** You and what army? Wait… Never mind, ignore that last statement. _(pauses and begins to speak convincingly)_ Now, Art, I always felt that you and I had a relationship of mutual irritation with underlying respect.

**MERLIN:** _(interrupts, jealous)_ Wait, you two have a relationship?

**KITTY O:** No, Merlin, dear. Not like that. Anyway, like I was saying, we have a relationship of mutual aggravation with underlying respect for each other.

**ARTHUR:** Really? Because all I ever felt was the aggravation…

**KITTY O:** Arthur, shut up. _(menacing)_ We respect each other if I SAY we respect each other, okay, buddy?

**ARTHUR:** _(scared, shrinking back into his seat)_ Okay. _(Looks at MERLIN)_ Is she always this scary?

**MERLIN:** What, this? She's much worse usually. Kitty is a terrifying woman. Very irritable.

**ARTHUR:** Yet you still like her?

**MERLIN AND KITTY O:** Literary love spell, remember?

**ARTHUR:** _(seriously creeped out)_ Right…

**KITTY O:** So, like I said, we respect each other and you would never, ever turn me in to Uther, right?

**ARTHUR:** No. I'm pretty sure I would.

**KITTY O:** I locked your door when I came in.

**ARTHUR:** Then you are right, I wouldn't. Right now.

**MERLIN:** _(after an awkward moment or two)_ So… care to join us for breakfast, Kitty?

_(ARTHUR sits up and begins to protest, but Merlin shoots him a look that says, "Be nice, dude, this is my gf." Arthur attempts to look polite. KITTY sits down and MERLIN puts a plate of food that has suddenly appeared near her.)_

**KITTY O: **So what did I interrupt?

**MERLIN:** We were just discussing how Art hates you because you made fun of Mr. Bobo. Or whether he just hates you because you are a menace. And how he'd like to run you through.

**KITTY O:** Normal stuff, then?

**MERLIN:** Pretty much.

**KITTY O:** Well, he's been trying to run me through since I got in here. Only my magic is holding him back. I imagine he hates me for both of those reasons. Do you think so, Art?

**ARTHUR:** Yes. I do.

**KITTY O:** Or maybe he just dislikes my poetry. I hope not, because after the memos, my next chapter will be a poem to Gaius's eyebrow.

**ARTHUR:** Well, why don't you just make that this week's chapter, instead of this rather pointless one, which you wish to apologize to **redlily188** for, because she dislikes your pointless chapters?

**KITTY O:** A couple of reasons. One, I thought it would be nice to get to know you before next week, when I shall be ending this fiction. Or rather, have you get to know me. Also, I was planning on making it Gaius's poem chapter, but the next thing I knew I had written three pages in script format—I mean, hey, why fight the muse? Then I thought it would be a good idea to apologize to you for teasing Mr. Bobo. It's rather sad to have your own character (well, sort of your own character) hate you.

**ARTHUR:** So are you going to apologize or not?

**KITTY O:** I said it was a good idea. I never said I planned to follow through on it.

_(Suddenly those warning bells of Camelot, which seem to come from nowhere with nobody ringing them and always begin way too fast to be realistic begin to ring.)_

**MERLIN: **_(looking up)_ Looks like someone found out that you snuck in.

**KITTY O:** Yeah. I guess I should be going. _(She stands up.)_ Good bye, Merlin, Arthur.

**MERLIN:** But you haven't even eaten yet!

**KITTY O:** I hate to eat and run, and I'll have to be running, you know, to get away from those idiotic guards.

**MERLIN:** Don't want you to cramp up.

**KITTY O:** Yep! I will see you later, all!

_(She walks quite calmly to the door and opens it, walking out. A few moments later there is the sound of pattering feet and armored feet running down the hall, along with the sound of KITTY O yelling.)_

**KITTY O'S VOICE:** VIVE LE FRANCE! OR WHATEVER I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY! VIVE LE CAMELOT!

**ARTHUR: **_(looks at Merlin disbelievingly)_ Her? Really? Her?

**MERLIN:** _(dreamy-eyed)_ Yes. Her. _(sighs)_

**ARTHUR:** _(after a moment of very strenuous mental activity)_ That door was never locked, was it?

**MERLIN:** (_still looks lovesick) _No.

**ARTHUR:** _(fingers his sword)_ Are you SURE I can't…?

**MERLIN: **Arthur. No.

**ARTHUR:** _(pouts)_ Fine.

**End of one-shot. See you next chapter! (Which will be up Sunday or Monday.)**


	24. Many Many More Memorable Memos

Did all my American readers go on vacation for Thanksgiving? Just wondering... because, you know, last week there were a LOT less reviews. I was surprised. I figured that could be it. Oh, well, please review and thanks to those who reviewed!

*Looks confused* And… **scientia-potentia-est**? **Scientia**? Where are you? You've been absent for the past two chapters, but you've read my other stuff! Don't leave! Your debut is coming up _really _soon, and I'd hate for you to miss it! *end of hint/plea*

So. Memos again, huh? I'm just going to say that I enjoyed this episode thoroughly. I'm a very bad audience, though, because I laughed in all the dramatic spots. Heehee—I refuse to be ashamed. I still say that that slave-dude was much too ridiculous to be intimidating…

I can also say that when the show has been on five minutes, all the knights are dead, Morgana is smirking with her plan and Arthur is discovering yet another way that all of Camelot can be destroyed… That's when it is a good episode!

* * *

ONE

Haha, look at you. You are dead. I usually don't believe in taunting, but your being dead is just too good. You can't tell me you didn't see it coming! When the scary girl keeps promising you that 'you'll get what you deserve', she doesn't mean cookies! Ah, well. I never really liked you alive anyway, to be honest with you. You weren't even good looking! I just feel bad for everyone in your kingdom. You don't have any heirs hanging around, from what I can tell, so what are they going to do? Crown Morgause? Yeah, I think _I'd_ leave town before I'd do that!

Sincerely, Kitty.

P.S. You failed "How to pull off an Evil Plan 101" this semester…

* * *

TWO

Way to use those self-preservation skills, girl! Now Merlin, in this position, would probably just yell something about how she's turned to the dark side or whatever and try to fight and cry. Arthur would attack or something. A smart person would've done what you did—"Oh, yes, I'm totally and completely loyal to you! Don't kill me! Ahhh!" (Okay, so you didn't do that exactly. And I wouldn't do that at all. I'd probably yell a lot…) To be honest, I was hoping that during that scene you were holding a knife and about to make an attempt on Morgana's life, but no. (Dang.) Instead you just hugged her. It's kind of funny, you know, because I think that was her first real smile all season!

Tell me, are you actually loyal to her (traitor—she wants Arthur's head on a pike!) or were you just trying to stay alive (coward!)?

I'd write more to you, but I'm afraid that was your only scene in the episode. Don't worry; you'll get more in the finale! Lance is coming back! (Tell him to keep his distance.)

Sincerely, Kitty O.

* * *

THREE

You came back! How sweet. I'm sure Arthur and Merlin were glad of your company on this trip. Honestly, they always need a wisecracker. Sometimes, of course, Merlin can fill that role, but he didn't seem to be in the mood this trip.

Way to cut to the chase: "Ah, we're just gonna be sold as slaves. No biggie. Go back to sleep, Merlin." (That was paraphrased.) THAT'S going to make him feel better!

Actually, the whole scene in the pit was great. He was all, "You ready, champion?" and you were all "I am!" And Arthur and Merlin were all, "What the heck?" And you were all, "Oh, heh heh. Awkward." Greatness.

However, I don't think that the scene with you and Arthur fighting was done as well as it could have been. Come on, all of your lives depended on who won! The jokes mid-fight were good. But you could have been much more dramatic. You could've agreed to let Arthur kill you in order to save him and Merlin. Or, alternately, you could have been like, "Too bad for you folks, I'm killing you dead!" You and Arthur fighting like ten-year-old boys and waiting for a miracle like a freak fire? Not so dramatic.

Sincerely, Kitty.

* * *

FOUR

You enjoyed this episode too much, my dear. Truly. All of your parts were awesome. You got to joke that if Arthur told you, he'd have to kill you—and then have Arthur agree. (You looked scared. He was just kidding! Right, Arthur? ...Right?) You also got to be proven right in the worst way. (Pessimists unite! Hah. Poor Arty jinxed you.) Then you got to yell at Arthur and Gwaine. (What fun. I didn't know they used the phrase 'pushing up daisies' in medieval times.) All in all, your concern for Arthur was cute. But I still don't understand why Arthur couldn't be healed…? Did I miss something?

~Your Lady, Who Shall Probably be Hiding the Remainder of this Season—Camelot is Under New Management.

* * *

FIVE

Just a quick question—why must you always whisper that 'sister' thing? Morgana speaks normally. Aw, do you have a sore throat? Poor baddie. Prepare to go down next episode.

Hatefully yours, Kitty!

* * *

SIX

You see, this is why you shouldn't cheat with your BFF's wife. Next thing you know, you have this angry daughter with too much makeup and too-tight clothes. And she's conspiring with your enemies to kick you off the throne. And you possibly die. Karma. Serves you right.

~Kitty O

* * *

SEVEN

I take you back to the scene in the slave pit. Now I watch it. And I watch it again. And again. And again. Awesomeness. All of it: the lines and the people and everything. It was pretty cool. Aww… Is someone worried about Merlin there? Too sweet. You know, it was very kind of you to offer to fight to the death to spare Merlin. Rather pointless—Merlin has magic, stupid—but still kind. So I wonder why Merlin didn't look grateful? Could it perhaps have something to do with the threat of being fed to crows…?

I have one problem with you and your father with you in this episode. Let me give you this advice: When planning something top secret, and the well-being of all Camelot depends on it, do your planning in a soundproof or at least sealed-off room! The throne room, with its little crevices for hiding and a place to stand unseen at the top, might not be the best place for planning. In my humble opinion.

Also, only a coward holds a little kid in front of him for protection. Listen to your manservant next time, bully!

Until next time, Kitty O

* * *

EIGHT

Whew! You had me worried there for a minute! But I didn't honestly believe those writers were going to finish you off, really. I mean, they tricked us with that one in the second season too. So live long and prosper. (Don't die anymore!)

~Kitty O

* * *

**This was such a great ep that I could barely stand making fun of it. The finale is looking good! I'm excited! Eep! Here's how I think it should start: **

**ARTHUR: **Oh, gosh, Merlin! Morgana's an evil, wicked, badly makeup-ed witch! Who wants my head on a pike!

**MERLIN:** Well, I knew you'd have to find out sooner or later…

**ARTHUR:** You mean you _knew_?

**MERLIN:** Well, yeah, but don't worry! She thinks we're dead, so we can use my magic to overcome her!

**ARTHUR:** …You have magic? WHAT? Merlin…

**KITTY O:** Okay, guys, no time for moping! Morgana hates us all—especially me, I think!—and I'm a heck of a lot more scared of her than I am of Uther. So let's get down to business! I've got the flamethrowers; Arthur, you get the spears. We've got an assassination to plan!

**Friday's chapter? Perhaps. **

**Next chapter: The Eyebrow of Shame**


	25. The Eyebrow of Shame

_A/N: First of all, I must apologize. I've been getting onto y'all for not reviewing. I know it's annoying. So I told myself I'd only do it until someone complained. Someone complained last chapter, so I won't say it again. I still want you to review- I just think I've made my point? Yeah, I have. So forgive me, those of you who wanted to strangle me for weeks. You should've complained earlier! *grins apologetically and annoyingly* And that's the best apology you'll get. Like Arthur, I hate being wrong. Unlike Arthur, I don't blame Merlin when I am wrong. _

**ANSWERS**

**ONE** Cenred, the silly goose. Making everyone immortal but himself...

**TWO **Gwen! I really want her to try and assassinate Morgana. I know, I think about assassination too much... But with Morgana around, who can blame me?

**THREE **Gwaine, our swashbuckling pal! You go Gwaine! Also, can we work out a deal where you put a flower in my hair and make Merlin jealous? Because that would ROCK.

**FOUR** My man Merlin, the dear.

**FIVE **Morgause, that creepy Big-Eyes. I really hope she dies this next episode! I hope that every episode.

**SIX **Uther, the king who is no longer a king...

**SEVEN **Arthur. The prince guy. Who has just recently discovered his sister. Not a happy reunion.

**EIGHT **Leon! He nearly gave a heart attack that episode! Whew!

And for those of you who are wondering, the score currently stands at Evil Nasty Ladies, 2; Uther, 0. Also, does anyone know how to get a poem in the correct format?

* * *

Dear Gaius,

Hi! How are you? I'd come and talk to you myself, but unfortunately Camelot is *ahem* 'under new management'. I'm lying low for the time, at least until the end of the season, when hopefully everything will be all better. Hopefully.

I promised my minion—I mean reviewer, that I would write a chapter for you and your rather intimidating eyebrow. It took me a long time and plenty of mental energy that I could have been using for better things, but here it is. I'm sending you the finished version. Enjoy!

_Quirky-quirk; bumpy-bump_

_My heartbeat's sure to double._

_For when within that glare I'm fixed_

_I know I am in trouble!_

_Lifty-lift; twitchy-twitch_

_My knees begin to shake_

_You're angry now; I feel myself_

_In terror start to quake._

_**And I know my definition of fear**_

_**Will never be the same.**_

_**Run away! Be afraid! **_

_**It's Gaius's Eyebrow of Shame!**_

_I didn't mean to do it, sir;_

_I know I'm in a spot, _

_But please don't send me that look,_

_As though my words are rot._

_I swear it was an accident_

_But your brow is on the rise._

_It makes me feel so very small—_

_You could be twice my size!_

_**And I know my definition of fear**_

_**Will never be the same.**_

_**Run away! Be afraid! **_

_**It's Gaius's Eyebrow of Shame!**_

_Commanding the respect of all—_

_Even Uther, if you please. _

_King and Witch and Prince alike—_

_You bring them to their knees!_

_Everyone in Camelot_

_Is now afeared of your fury._

_And Kitty O of Awesomeness? _

_I'm petrified; yes, sir-ee!_

_**And I know my definition of fear**_

_**Will never be the same.**_

_**Run away! Be afraid! **_

_**It's Gaius's Eyebrow of Shame!**_

Well? What did you think? Hopefully the readers will review and tell me what _they _think. Well, stay cool. Good luck in the next episode, Gaius! Don't let the evil witch get you down.

Love,

Kitty O.

_A/N: Next chapter: __**Season Finale—Kitty O Style. **__Be afraid. Be very afraid. _


	26. Season Finale Kitty O Style

Hey! Here it is, my version of what _**should**_ happen in _The Coming of Arthur Part II_. Some spoilers. If you don't know where Episode 12 left off, beware!

Oh, and by the way, I'm going to close that pole pretty soon! So if you haven't voted, consider it. (Also, by the way, teeny bit of advertising here. I wrote a one-shot about Geoffrey, called _Dark Days. _It's my first attempt at an abstract, wispy kind of writing, so consider checking it out if you are in the mood for something serious. I would appreciate it.)

Despite what it sounded like, this isn't the last chapter! At least two more!

One more thing. PLEASE review and tell me if it is funny enough. I tried really hard, but I had to make it make sense AND funny… which is difficult. So please tell me. If no one finds it humorous… I apologize.

**Act One, Scene I**

_(Scene opens in Gaius's room. ARTHUR is pacing the floor, obviously concerned about something. From his chair, MERLIN watches him walking around. KITTY O sits in the corner, hard to spot because she is in shadows.)_

**ARTHUR: **Oh, good heavens, Merlin! Oh, gosh! What'll we do? Morgana's an evil, wicked, badly make-up-ed witch! Who wants my head on a pike! And she's also something else that I dare not say for fear of taking spoilers too far!

**MERLIN: **_(sighs) _Well, Arthur, I knew you had to find out sooner or later…

**ARTHUR: **You mean you _KNEW_?

**MERLIN: **Um, yeah? It was actually really, really obvious. Everyone who has eyes for seeing knew it… even Gwen. Can I help it if you're stupid? But don't worry! With my magic and your brawn and the little brains there are between the two of us, we can overcome her, no sweat!

**ARTHUR:** _(after a pause in which he obviously using his brains quite strenuously)_ Wait… you have magic? You realize that is illegal?

**MERLIN:** Wait, I thought you knew!

**KITTY O:** _(from the corner) _No, we erased his memory.

**MERLIN:** But then he brought it up again.

**KITTY O:** I had to tweak the story a bit.

**MERLIN:** That makes for a weak plot…

**KITTY O:** _(defensive) _It's not supposed to make sense! It's supposed to be funny!

**ARTHUR: **Yeah, well, the first part is right. The second, not so much. _**(A/N: Anyone want to start an I-Hate-Arthur Club? Only me? What? No, kidding.) **_But that's not the point. The point is… Merlin, I have to arrest you.

**MERLIN: **Arthur, may I remind you that for all intents and purposes you are dead? Therefore you aren't acting Prince… Therefore you don't even really have the right to arrest me… And, on top of that, Morgana is not about to listen to you. She has magic too, remember?

**ARTHUR:** What? Morgana has magic? WHAT?

**MERLIN:** _(puts his head in his hands)_ Forget it, Arthur. Forget it.

_(KITTY O suddenly stands from her dark corner and strides forward, taking on a commanding air. She walks to the center of the room.)  
_

**KITTY O: **Okay, y'all—

**MERLIN:** _(whispering to Arthur) _I love when she speaks Southern… _**(A/N: American joke.)**_

**KITTY O:** Shh, Merlin! _(gives Merlin a small glare and goes back into her 'leader' position) _No time for moping! Morgana hates us all, especially me – blast this caustic wit! – and I'm a heck of a lot more scared of her than I am of Uther!

**MERLIN:** Amen!

**KITTY O:** So let's get down to business! I'll get the flamethrowers; Merlin, you get the spears. Arthur, stand there and look useful! We've got an assassination to plan!

**MERLIN:** Kitty… flamethrowers haven't been invented yet. You don't even know how to use one.

**KITTY O:** Hmm… machine gun?

**MERLIN:** _(horrified)_ You think I'd trust _you_ or_ Arthur_ with a machine gun?

**KITTY O:** Fair point. Hmmph. _(Looks thoughtful)_ A bow and arrow? I can use one of those.

**MERLIN:** Okay.

**KITTY O:** A flaming bow and arrow…?

**MERLIN:** _(warning)_ Kitty…

**KITTY O:** _(pouting)_ Fine. Spoilsport.

_(Scene Fades.)_

**ACT One, Scene II**

_(Scene opens in the throne room, MORGANA and MORGAUSE are there. MORGANA sits in the throne, and MORGAUSE seems to be hovering over her. UTHER is standing in the corner, chained to the wall, a you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me look on his face. LEON stands to the side, looking confused.) _

**MORGANA: **Well, I'm feeling quite superior here, Morgause. I mean, Arthur's dead, Merlin's dead, Uther will soon be dead… I've quite successfully succeeded at destroying every one who ever cared for me and enjoyed every minute of it. Do you think I need help?

**MORGAUSE:** _(hisses like a snake and occasionally one can see a forked tongue flicker from her mouth whenever she says 'sister')_ Ssssissster… _(she speaks normally again) _I wouldn't worry about it, _Ssssissster._ I always enjoy betraying the trust of my friends. It's a great feeling.

**MORGANA:** Then why do I get the feeling I'm missing something?

**LEON:** _(standing beside her) _Perhaps that's your dying conscience. Or maybe it's your instincts trying to warn you that your plan is going to come crashing back to Earth. Or maybe it's because Arthur and Merlin aren't dead.

_(MORGAUSE and MORGANA stare at him as though he's grown a third head. There is a silence.)_

**MORGANA: **Yeah… I'm going to go with 'It's indigestion'.

**MORGAUSE: **Wise, _Ssssissster_. Leon, what are you doing here anyway?

**LEON: **I… don't really know. I think I'm waiting for my cue to scream 'NOOOOO', like I did in the preview.

**MORGANA:** Why don't you just scream it now and leave us to our evil rejoicing?

**LEON:** … Um… I don't want to?

**MORGAUSE:** Then just stand there and be silent.

**LEON:** Can do. _("Zips" his lips and "Throws away the key")_

**MORGAUSE:** So, _Ssssissster_, now that you are Queen of Camelot, what do you plan on doing?

**MORGANA:** Really cruel stuff, I guess. I could kill Uther slowly first… Oh, I could tax my people into a revolt! OOH! I could… I could… I don't know. I stink at these evil plans. Where's Cenred? He'll help me. Oh, I know! I could kill him in return for his help!

**MORGAUSE:** He's dead, _Ssssissster_. I killed him.

**MORGANA:** Why…?

**MORGAUSE:** Eh, I never liked him. He's not such a great flirt. Besides, who wants to share the spoils of victory with him?

**MORGANA:** Understandable. Sometimes I feel the same way about you.

**MORGAUSE:** Wait, what?

**MORGANA:** _(whistles innocently)_ Did I say something?

**MORGAUSE**_**:**__ (Slowly)_ No… Weren't we discussing your first repulsive act as Queen?

**MORGANA:** I believe so. What shall it be?

**MORGAUSE:** We should probably just kill Uther, _Ssssissster_. Ssssissster… Ssssisssssssster…

**MORGANA:** _(shivers)_ Morgause! Cut that out! I have a name, you know!

**MORGAUSE**_**:**__ (Completely and totally taken by surprise)_ You… you do?

**MORGANA:** You've _forgotten_?

**MORGAUSE:** _(coughs)_ No, I didn't forget, _Sist_… dear.

**MORGANA:** _(suspiciously)_ Oh, yeah? Then what's my name? _(Glares)_

**MORGAUSE:** Queen… Queen…

_(She looks behind MORGANA to LEON, who is trying to mouth her the name behind Morgana's angry back. MORGANA taps her foot.)_

**MORGAUSE: **_(reading his lips) _M… Mor… Mor… Morgause? That's my name, fool! It's uh.. Morg… _(She mouths the word along with him for a few seconds) _It's positively Queen Morgie.

_(MORGANA looks over her shoulder at LEON, who just shrugs innocently and smiles.) _

**MORGANA: **_(exasperated) _It's Queen Morgana!

**MORGAUSE: **I got the Morg part right. Anyway, that's not important. What is important is that we should now kill Uther.

**MORGANA:** Oh, yes! Let's! How shall we do it? A medieval firing squad? Burn him at the stake? Behead him? Yay! This is fun!

**LEON:** _(under his breath)_ Totally fun. Can't think of a better way to spend a day.

**MORGAUSE:** Why don't you just blast him with your magic?

**MORGANA:** Oh, bother! That's no fun! We should drag it out.

**MORGAUSE:** _(sighing)_ We tried that with Merlin once, remember? All it got us is a lecture from Kitty O.

**MORGANA:** Fine, fine. _(Grumbles but shudders as she contemplates another round of KITTY O teaching her a lesson)_ We'll compromise. I'll have his head cut off. Quick, but fun.

_(Suddenly there is the sound of an explosion, and something drops from the balcony at the top of the room where MORGANA did all her spying. It makes a thunderous clamor, and smoke. MORGANA shrieks and MORGAUSE looks startled. UTHER looks up from his place at the end of the room.)_

**MORGANA: **What the heck? A grenade? _(looks up)_ It's Kitty! Someone get her!

**LEON:**_ (screaming uncontrollably) _NOOOO-OOOO-OOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOOO-OOOOOO!

_(MORGANA and MORGAUSE spin around.) _

**MORGAUSE:** What? WHAT? Where's the problem?

**LEON:** _(innocently) _No problem. I just wanted to scream.

**MORGANA:** Well, don't! You're going to make me a nervous wreck if you keep that up! Where are those guards? They must catch that Kitty! She'll ruin everything!

**LEON:** NOOOO-OOOOO-OOOO-OOOOOOO-OOOOOO!

**MORGANA:** What now? Leon, stop that screaming!

**LEON:** NOOOOO-OOOOOOOO-OOOOOO-OOOOOO-OOO!

**MORGANA:** _(puts her head in her hands)_ Oi. Being a Queen might not be all it is cracked up to be. LEON! She's getting away!

**LEON:** What? Oh, right! After her, men!

_(Scene fades.)_

**Act One, Scene III**

_(Scene opens on KITTY O, ARTHUR, and MERLIN all running down the street. They know people will soon be after then so they duck into that cave where the DRAGON once was kept.)_

**KITTY O:**_ (looks around and shivers)_ Whew. This place is creepy. Just standing here where the dragon once was gives me slash vibes.

**ARTHUR:** _(to MERLIN)_ Is there no beginning to your hidden talents? Way to go, idiot! You ruined our plan!

**MERLIN:** Me?

**ARTHUR:** You dropped the grenade, didn't you?

**MERLIN:** _(defensively)_ You ran into me!

**ARTHUR:** You shouldn't have been holding something explosive!

**MERLIN:** Kitty brought them!

**KITTY O:** Oh, no, don't bring me into this one.

**ARTHUR:** _(angry)_ That might have been our only chance!

**KITTY O:** No, we'll have at least one more. Morgana wants to kill Uther, right? So she'll probably go public. That's our chance. We take out Morgause and then her.

**MERLIN:** Why in that order?

**KITTY O:** I don't like Morgause. She's stupid. I mean, Cenred was pretty much her only chance at a boyfriend!

**MERLIN:** Ah.

**ARTHUR:** _(Suddenly)_I don't like this plan.

**KITTY O and MERLIN**: Why not?

**ARTHUR:** _(irritably)_ It's too easy! I mean, we just wait for her to step outside and stab her or something… Where's the glory? The stakes aren't high enough! This is supposed to be DRAMATIC!

**KITTY O:** Arthur, may I remind you that while we try to kill her, your father will be straddling the fence as to whether he feels like living or dying? Those stakes aren't high enough?

**ARTHUR:** _(pouting) _I was kind of hoping for more guts and glory… Like Merlin getting injured or whatever. Or maybe Gwen's life could be hanging in the balance. No one cares if I save my DAD…

**MERLIN:** _(nervously)_ I prefer Kitty's plan. I hate getting injured. I always have to cry. It's really damaging to my male ego.

**KITTY O:** _(mutters)_ I'll bet it is. Silly writers. With his size, Merlin needs all the help he can to look manly, and the tears help no one! _(Out loud) _So does everyone know the plan? We listen around for the execution date. Then we show up, _leaving all the grenades here_, and kill the bad guys. I get the bow and arrow, Merlin the magic and a dagger, and Arthur spears. Then we go home happy and put Uther back on the throne even though **tomcat941** has told me that he can't retake it… After all, who cares about the facts? Any questions?

**MERLIN:** _(begins to raise hand and realizes it is unnecessary) _Yeah. What if the plan goes wrong? What if they kill Uther privately or it's a trap or something?

**KITTY O:** Merlin. Come on. It's a one-shot. Do you really expect me to put that kind of plot twist in here? Need I remind you who's doing the writing?

**MERLIN:** _(nervously)_ Does that mean you won't twist it, or you have a diabolical plan that you just won't tell me about?

_(KITTY O smiles evilly and says nothing. There is a very scary silence as ARTHUR and MERLIN watch her in trepidation.)_

**ARTHUR:** _(coughs purposely to break the tension)_ Well. I personally vote we bring Leon in on this. He would be a great help.

**KITTY O:** What makes you think you get a vote, Mr. I'm-Not-A-Prince-Anymore?

**ARTHUR:** _(argumentative) _I am so still the Prince.

**KITTY O:** Really? Let's go ask Morgana about it, shall we? I don't want Leon in on it, he might get killed. Again.

**ARTHUR:** You know what your problem is? You are bossy. And you think you know everything. I can't stand people like that!

_(Scene fades on MERLIN and KITTY O staring incredulously at ARTHUR.)_

**Act One, Scene IV**

_(The scene opens in the courtyard where all the sorcerers and innocent people always seem to get their heads cut off or burned. You know, the one that never has any bloodstains there, because that would be a little… gross? This time there is a chopping block in the center, and all the TOWNFOLK who have nothing better to do are standing around. __**[A/N: Quite a jump, I know… but this is getting long!] **__MERLIN is the first one you see, crouched on the roof of a building and in the shadow of a taller building. He has a good view of the balcony where Uther usually gives that execution speech. On the other side of the square, KITTY O hides in the shade of another building. ARTHUR stands among the people but in an alley, holding several spears. From there he can't see MERLIN, but can see KITTY O. Drums start, and MORGAUSE walks onto the balcony.) _

**MORGAUSE: **_(to the TOWNFOLK) _We are here today to witness the execution of a man, a king who was his own worst enemy and an enemy to his people. His prejudice was nearly the downfall of this great Camelot. But now that will be remedied.

_(From his spot, MERLIN rolls his eyes and waves his hand in a circular 'move on' motion. MORGAUSE spreads her hands wide and stares dramatically off in the middle distance.)_

**MORGAUSE: **But I am not the one who will remedy it! No, there will be one greater. And all I have left to say is…

_(But here MERLIN seizes his chance and holds out his hand, his eyes flashing gold.)_

**MERLIN: **_Abrakadabra! _

_(A bolt of light comes from his hand and hits MORGAUSE right in the chest. She chokes and topples from the balcony, into the TOWNFOLK, who stare at her rather blankly.)_

**CITIZEN 1: **She sure didn't say much.

**CITIZEN 2:** Yeah, funny thing to say at an execution. I think I prefer Uther's speeches.

**CITIZEN 3:** But then, she's a little funny. Get a load of her eyes.

**CITIZEN 1: **You think she's dead?

**CITIZEN 3: **Poke her with a stick.

**CITIZEN 1: **You first!

_(Inside the building, MORGANA has grown tired of waiting for her introduction and comes out to see where her sister is.)_

**MORGANA: **Morgause? What's taking so long; did you forget my name again or… _(looks around)_ Morgause? Morgause? _(Realizes she's on the ground down in the square, dead)_ MORGAUSE! You died!

**CITIZEN 1: **_(Calls up to her)_We think, anyway! Wait until Bob here pokes her with a stick; then we'll know!

_(Morgana ignores this.)_

**MORGANA: **Who did this? Who killed her? _(She looks up and sees MERLIN on the roof facing her.)_ MERLIN! You did this! But how?

_(MERLIN, who is not stupid enough to reply even if he is a little slow to react to MORGANA's presence, responds by shooting a ball of light from his hands at her. She looks startled but blocks the magic.)_

**MORGANA: **You? You have magic? Why you no-good, under-grown, little… liar! _(She throws a ball of light at MERLIN but he blocks it easily.)_

_(With every line a person says, they shoot a ball of light at the one opposite, and the other blocks it.)_

**MORGANA: **You killed my sister! You tried to kill me! I'll kill you! I'll kill Uther! I'll kill you all!

**MERLIN: **You know what you really need? A hug.

**MORGANA:** From you? AS IF! _(roars) _

**MERLIN: **Or a therapist…

**MORGANA: **I'll rip out your entrails and feed them to the vultures!

**MERLIN:** Woah, now, Morgana, let's keep this K-rated.

**MORGANA:** I'll kill you!

**MERLIN:** So I gathered!

_(No one is getting the upper hand. From out of no where comes KITTY O's arrow, taking MORGANA by surprise and hitting the Evil Nasty Lady.)_

**LEON: **_(From the side and for no apparent reason) _NOOOO-OOOOOOOO-OOOOOO-OOOOOOOO!

**KITTY O:** Hmm. So arrow beats awesome magical powers. Go figure.

**MORGANA: **Ah! No! I've been shot! I'm dying… dying…Goodbye, cruel world! _(Ad lib)_

_(Finally she falls over dead.)_

**KITTY O: **Drama queen.

**MERLIN: **_(calls to KITTY O) _Kitty! You did it! You saved Camelot!

**KITTY O: **_(sarcastic) _Yeah, I can totally see what you complain about every episode. This saving the town stuff is just SOOO hard.

_(ARTHUR comes out of his alley and looks around in surprise at the dead bodies. He smiles proudly.) _

**ARTHUR: **I've done it again! _(looks at the KNIGHTS, who haven't moved this entire time) _Wow. I keep telling Dad we need better bodyguards. Maybe now he'll listen.

**KITTY O:** _(calls out)_ Hey, Arty!

**ARTHUR:** What?

**KITTY O:** Does this mean your Father is king again?

**ARTHUR:** I guess.

**KITTY O:** Does that mean I'm under arrest?

**ARTHUR:** I'd imagine.

**KITTY O:** _(calls out) _MERLIN!

**MERLIN:** What?

**KITTY O:** Lunch tomorrow?

**MERLIN:** Okay.

**KITTY O:** Now I'll go make good my escape. Later, Arty! Bye, Merlin!

_(She stands, leaps dramatically off of the roof, and runs into the crowd. MERLIN and even ARTHUR watch her go fondly.)_

**ARTHUR AND MERLIN: **Bye, Kitty!

**ARTHUR:** _(to MERLIN)_ Now let's go free Dad!

**MERLIN:** _(suddenly, as though it just occurred to him)_ Hey, Arthur?

**ARTHUR:** _(a little annoyed)_ What now?

**MERLIN:** _(anxious)_ How do I get off this roof?

**ARTHUR:** How'd you get up?

**MERLIN**: No idea.

**ARTHUR**: Well, that's my answer.

_(He walks away while MERLIN calls out for him.)_

**MERLIN: **_(exasperated) _Hey Arthur, wait! Don't go! One minute! Arthur!

**End of rather too long and not epic enough one-shot. **

Okay, who do I owe the 'no beginning of your talents' line? I don't remember but I'd like to give you credit. Please review and tell me if it was okay. Don't forget: if you want something dramatic. _Dark Days. _One more thing: Thanks so much for all the reviews lately! You are the best readers ever, NRKOA!

Hmm. My long, drawn out NOOO was erased by ffdotnet! Silly fanfiction!

Next Chapter: **The Final Memos**


	27. The Final Memos

…Or you could end it that way.

I think you probably found a few major differences between my ending and theirs. For one, they were a lot more dramatic about the whole thing. (They really just need to learn to laugh at themselves.) Also, there was an appalling lack of Kitty O in this episode. How dare they? Blast you, BBC!

It was a pretty cool episode, but not much plot to make fun of… When it began, I was like "Oh, gosh, oh, gosh, it's starting! It's starting! AHHH!"

No, I didn't say that, but I was thinking it. Seriously, I hated how this season ended, not telling us what happened to ANYONE! And Merlin didn't even get a chance to say, "Ha, you stupid prince, I knew it all along!" Dang. But I loved the whole scene with the: "You don't get a choice, Merlin." Because Arthur knew all along that Merlin would never abandon him! That's pretty danged sweet…

Oh, I dedicate this chapter to Zab of **fernazab, **who is "sick and tired", and also one of my most loyal reviewers.

* * *

ONE

Oi. Well, that plan turned out really well, didn't it? Good idea. Just pretend to be all loyal. There's no way she'll figure that out—unless she happens to be listening at a vent. But what are the chances of that? I mean, come on. Even I could've figured this one out.

But still, you were pretty good in this episode. I'm very sorry that you had to pretend to be her friend for a while, but isn't living worth that? And seriously, way to make Arthur jealous: "Lancelot!" in that awestruck voice. That's great, there. No wonder Arthur kissed you in front of him. He was claiming you. Sneaky Prince.

Love, Kitty

* * *

TWO

Happy? They finally gave you a part that was almost a main one!

The episode opens, and the first thing we see is your lovely face. Unhappy lovely little face. And Morgana's all: "*cackle* So, my luckless lovely, how have you enjoyed the first week of my reign?" And you're all: "No comment." Kidding, you actually had a very dramatic little line there. Not that it did much good. But I think she got the point: She isn't getting your allegiance!

I love how facing a firing squad, all you do is… smile. Smile. I mean, I respect bravery, but this going to far! When facing a certain, painful death, one has the right to look scared. (I know I would, but then I've got brains.) In all honesty, though, I really respected the way you spit out that bread when you heard that Morgana had sent Gwen. You are a really nice guy, a good knight, and wearing a dress does not take away at all from your manliness.

I wasn't worried this time. (At all! I promise!) Because, you see, I knew that you are destined to be a member of the round table. Therefore, you can't die. (Though, technically, if you had died, none of this would've happened because no one would've heard of the Cup of Life — jussayin…)

Sincerely, Kitty O!

* * *

THREE

"You need an old man."

Oh… he does? Why? You didn't really give much of an explanation there… Everyone else is all like, "I pledge my life to you because you will be a great king" or some such rot. And you say, "You need an old man." Um, okay. I'll take your word for it, then.

Seriously, you were really cool in the end! I mean, you threw her against a wall! And that's something I've wanted to do since the second season! Ahh! Always nice when the old dude makes a comeback.

Until later, Kitty O

* * *

FOUR

Oh, poor kingsy! I was so sorry for you in this episode that I didn't even have time to write any make-fun-of notes. Your eyes were red the entire time_** (A/N: and, truthfully, how did they manage that? Did he have a cold? Red eyeliner?)**_and you were all… chained up.

"Do you really hate me that much?" Oh, this line still breaks my heart. I know that you hate the hatred of someone you love the most. (Did that sentence make ANY sense?) Also, your "I'm sorry" to Arthur was really sad. You just added another face to a man who has a new one every other episode. Broken.

SO. Now that you are a broken old man, when is Arthur's coronation? There better be one, 'cause I'm coming.

~Kitty

* * *

FIVE

Yeah, I know what you were thinking when you saw Lancelot; don't lie. It went something like: "Wait, why did Merlin call him here? He's that creep who's gonna steal my girl, right? Why would he do that? Why would SHE do that? I mean, hello, I'm way cuter than he is! Sure, he's tall dark and handsome, but I have pretty hair! And I'm a prince! And I'm RICH! Why the heck would she cheat with him?" Not that being rich is important, but I'm with you on this one. Because money is SO not what matters.

But it helps. *Cough* Anyway…

Nice job knighting those men! (And resisting the temptation to accidently cut off Lance's head…) Your father would not be proud, but the rest of us sure as heck are!

But wait: Stop the warning bells? YOU CAN DO THAT? And you've just been leaving me here thinking that they were automatic or something? How would you stop those bells anyway? Knock out the guy who does them? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS THE FIRST I HAVE HEARD OF THIS!

Sincerely, Kitty.

* * *

SIX

Hm. Freya? Who is this Freya? And why are you two suddenly so lovey-dovey, huh? Yeah, I'm jealous. So watch your step, or I may just have to go get together with that Percival dude (who's pretty hot, if you ask me.) Yeah. Watch yourself, Mister. You do not want a jealous Kitty O on your hands.

You are pretty cool looking with that sword, by the way.

Oh, yeah, that reminds me. You seriously have skills! I don't think I know anyone else who can BLOW someone UP with a SWORD. Just you. That's pretty cool… But I thought we discussed this whole 'exploding people thing'? And we decided that it was to be discouraged. Just be glad they weren't women, or so help me, you would be in trouble. Big Trouble.

One last thing. "It's rat." That line was pure genius. It's rat… haha… And telling Arthur that you've served him worse… Ah, wonderful.

Sincerely, Kitty, who can finally come out of hiding.

* * *

SEVEN

Just a little note here—stop looking at Gwen! Stop it! Every five seconds you look her way…! Gosh dog it, you can't have her! Accept it. Move on. Wipe the puppy dog look away; it isn't attractive. It's girly.

~Kitty

* * *

EIGHT

You had some really cool lines this episode, including: "I like him already" and "You look like you've seen a ghost". Trust me, when we thought you were dead… I experienced a moment of pure panic, because I love you! Don't DO that to me again! Bad knight!

~Kitty O

* * *

Well, that's all for today, I'm afraid. Not very thorough, but I lost my notes on the episode somewhere.

There will be at least one more chapter, **"The Capture of Kitty O", **but thanks to exams and a bad case of scattered thoughts, I don't know when it will be up. Perhaps not until Christmas. I'm sorry. Thanks for reading and please review!


	28. Answers to Last Memos

By the way, friends, when I said "Who is this Freya?" I promise I wasn't being serious. I've seen the episode (At least Merlin had a good reason to cry in that one!), I promise! I've seen ALL the episodes! I love the internet!

Thanks to those stupid lost notes, I left out two very important things to make fun of! Ah!

Okay, the first thing: Morgana's screaming the castle down. I know, I know, her sister's dead (perhaps). If my sister died, I'd be plenty upset—but I wouldn't scream the house down. You can hurt people like that! Shouldn't Merlin have, I don't know, STOPPED HER? Or maybe he was too busy getting the heck out.

Also, "She has betrayed me" says Morgana. I hit the roof at that one. I beg your pardon? SHE betrayed YOU? Who tried to get whose boyfriend killed in The Castle of Fyrien? Who threw her father in jail? Who killed random innocent citizens? WHO USURPED THE THRONE? (Hint: it wasn't Gwen.)

And did I mention that Merlin is so much manlier while holding a sword? It really must make him feel better about the crying. Like a girl. Anyway…

ONE- Gwen. I love her, but I honestly think Elyan will become an only child if Lance sticks around her too much. (Catch my drift?)

TWO- Leon, aka Loyal Leon, who wouldn't switch allegiances to save his life (like literally).

THREE- Gaius. "You need an old man." Haha… still cracking up there.

FOUR- Uther. Everyone keeps complaining that he should have gotten up to fight in the end… but hello? He was mentally scarred here! And he didn't have a weapon! And I imagine his wrists were sore from being chained up! (So y'all leave my king alone!)

FIVE- Arthur. Don't worry, fernazab, I'm finding out how those bells work… And I'm so using it to my advantage.

SIX- My man Merlin, who serves Arthur rat on a regular basis.

SEVEN- Lance. His siblings (should he have any) might also, soon, become minus one brother.

EIGHT- Gwaine, Mr. Hot-As-All-Get-Out. He had me sooo scared when we though the was dead!

Now, did I mention that I don't know when next chapter will be up? Hopefully before 2011. If not, Merry Christmas! (If you celebrate Christmas... If not, happy holidays!) And happy new year! Yes, next chapter will have the debut of** Scientia**, who must be thrilled with this news. She's been waiting so long.

Later, readers!


	29. The Capture of Kitty O

Whew!

I know, I know, it's taken me MUCH too long to update, but it isn't my fault! You people have no idea what kind of day I've had! Except you, **scientia-potentia-est**. You know just what kind of day I had, for you were there. With me. In Camelot. Weren't you?

Aw, now I've confused the rest of you. That's okay, I'll explain. It's a rather amusing little story, if I do say so myself. **Scientia**! No giving away the ending!

I'm writing this now in the safety of my own home. Well, relative safety. There is, of course, always the chance that there will be a fire… I could fall down… drown in the bath… But I digress; the point is that home is a heck of a lot safer than where I was earlier today.

Camelot.

Fun.

Not.

It all began with **scientia-potentia-est **there. Silly minion-I-mean-reviewer. It was she who got herself arrested in Camelot earlier today. The charge? Being the notorious (what an awesome word!) Kitty O.

Yes, I wondered the same thing myself. How in the world could they mistake me for her? As far as I know, we don't look alike. Would be really weird if we did. So how did the guards of Camelot arrest the wrong girl?

Well, they're idiots, aren't they? And to be fair, I do keep changing what I look like. (By the way, this day I had icy green eyes and dirty blonde curls, pale skin. Just so you know.)

Now you may be wondering, as well you should, how I knew that **scientia** was in danger of being killed for my 'crimes' (for lack of a better word). I could create a whole big scenario that really grabbed the readers' attention and developed further my character, but you will remember that this is a one-shot. So I will dispose of my idea, which **scientia-potentia-est **would _hate_, and included chicken feathers, breath mints, giant cookies, and branding irons, and instead say to you: How do I know?

I'm the writer, aren't I?

No, that's not really how. Merlin sent me a letter. I still don't know how he knew where to send it.

_Dear Kitty, _it read:

_I think we are in a bit of a situation here. A girl was arrested earlier today by the guards. They saw her in the market place, wearing those strange clothes that your century seems so fond of. They gave chase, and arrested her shortly after. They brought her to Uther, and I thought it might be you… but she claimed that she wasn't. _

_There wasn't any reason for you to say you weren't… you… and when I saw that she didn't use any magic to escape, as you would, I got suspicious. I talked to Arthur about it, but you know how he is… a prat. So I talked to her, and she told me her name was __**scientia-potentia-est. **_

_Do you know her? It does rather sound like one of those strange names that all of the NRKOA seem to have. What should we do? Does this mean we need to plan another rescue? _

_If so, can I wear my sunglasses? _

_Love, _

_Merlin. _

Now, I've heard that when most girls receive letters from their fictional boyfriends, they treasure them forever and ever. I screamed into my pillow and tore the paper up angrily. I considered eating it too, for good measure, but decided that I had shown my anger quite well without getting ink on my teeth. Then I grabbed my quill and wrote Merlin back.

_Dear Merlin, _I scribbled:

_Sure, if worst comes to worst, you may wear your sunglasses. But I don't think they'll be needed. _

_By the way, I couldn't help myself… how is it you can read? I'm no expert on Medieval times, but I'm pretty sure commoners couldn't read. Gaius might have been able to, as he probably had an education. But he didn't teach you; you already knew how in Season 1… How is this possible? _

_But I digress. Leave it to me, Merlin. _

_Love, _

_Kitty O_

I put down my pen (splattering myself with ink… blast the Camelot inkwells!) and called downstairs, "Minerva!"

No, I'm not related to a Minerva. I don't even know one. She's just a random person, okay?

Minerva came up the stairs and looked at me curiously. "Yes, Kitty O of Awesomeness?"

Ah, how I love that name…

Anyway.

I held out my paper. "Could you run down to the castle and deliver this to the Prince's manservant, Merlin?"

She nodded, took the note, and was gone in a flash.

I sat down and sighed. I wondered briefly if I should have put something more sentimental in my letter to Merlin… goodbye, perhaps? But that might cause him to start crying again. And I hate when he cries, and he knows it. I'm the woman. I'm the one who's supposed to be overly-emotional. Shouldn't he just hunt things?

And then I sighed again, louder this time, because I knew this was partly my fault. I signed up to be a good guy, even if I am still technically an evil sorceress. And good guys have to be ready to die all the time, because besides being brave, good guys are expected to have rather low self-preservation skills. It is explicitly stated in the handbook.

Article 8, Section III. Right under "_Why Good Guys are Such Stupid People_".

You really should read that handbook. It's got some funny stuff.

After sitting around and woolgathering for a few more minutes (which I have a tendency to start doing in the most inappropriate times… such as big tests), I suddenly remembered that I had a loyal reviewer to save.

I jumped to my feet and slipped on a coat. You have no idea how cold it is in ancient Camelot. Then I tripped lightly down the stairs.

Then I picked myself up, dusted off, and cursed my clumsiness. I kept running. I had a stupid move to make, in true good guy style.

* * *

I like to think I rather startled King Uther when I stormed into the throne room. Of course, I could be wrong, but generally when people scream like a girl and fall off of their thrones, it means they are surprised.

Or someone had put a tack in his chair. Wait, I thought, maybe that was me… No, I don't think so.

King Uther stood up and glared angrily at his seat. He muttered a bad word and pulled the sharp spike from his seat, tossing it with disgust onto the floor. Then he sat back down, trying to regain his dignity.

Okay, so it could have been me.

Uther sat in his throne now, glaring at me like he wanted to kill me. I didn't blame him. Tacks are painful when you sit on them. In the corner of the room stood Leon, whom I've begun to add to all my scenes on the edges. Beside him, **scientia-potentia-est **sat on the ground, tied up and not caring at all… She was too busy staring at Arthur, who stood in the corner of the room, in front of Merlin.

Merlin was reading my letter. How cute. By the way, just a thought, but a story recently introduced me to the idea of Merlin in chain mail with a sword and mussed up hair. This idea sat rather well with me, if you know what I mean…

There was silence in the room as I walked in, my head up, but still watching my feet. It would be so embarrassing to trip at a moment like that.

"Uther," I finally said.

He looked back at me coldly. He'd have said my name, "Kitty," in a dramatic voice, but he couldn't say it with a straight face. (I bet you can't either. Try it. Say Kitty in a threatening voice. You sure sound stupid, don't you?)

Arthur gave me a little glare to match his father's. Oh, my adoring fans.

Merlin spoke up. "Kitty! What are you doing?"

I thought that was rather obvious, but I said nothing. No one else said anything either, which made for a rather awkward silence. I looked at them. They looked at me. This wasn't really fair. I needed someone on my side to look at them… Oh, wait. **Scientia-potentia-est **was still staring dreamily at Arthur. I guess that counts.

Eh, okay, so it didn't, but I'd take it.

Everyone clearly was waiting for me to speak.

"Come on," I grumbled. "You people know what I want."

Uther studied me. "You are the real Kitty O?"

"Yes."

"Then why haven't you said the line?"

I groaned. This could be humiliating. "I refuse to say that Line. You know what I want."

**Scientia **mumbled, "I know what I want." She smiled at Arthur.

I ignored her. So did Uther, who just said, "You have to say the line. It's tradition."

"It's stupid!"

Arthur looked affronted. "I've said it before!"

"I rest my case."

Merlin sighed. "Kitty, before we can get anywhere, I think you have to say the line."

"Merlin! Not you too!"

"Sorry, Kitty."

"Fine," I grumbled. "'Let **scientia-potentia-est** go.'"

"That's only half the line," pointed out Uther.

I finally gave in. If I wanted this to move, I had to say The Line. It was just so _dramatic... _blech. "Let **scientia-potentia-est** go; take me instead."

"I can't hear you," said Uther.

"LET **SCIENTIA-POTENTIA-EST **GO; TAKE ME INSTEAD."

Sir Leon laughed. I gave him a look that could kill. **Scientia **looked at me, confused. Uther smiled, triumphant.

Stupidhead.

I blushed and continued, "But not really. Actually, I want you to let her and me go. And I can say that, because I'm the writer."

Uther barked a laugh. "Like that's happening!"

"What?" I was bewildered. This wasn't supposed to happen...

"Well, now that you are here, why don't I just kill you both?"

I stared at Uther. What was wrong? I was the writer! He was supposed to do just what I said now!

There were many things I could've said at this point. Still in good guy mode, I settled for the dumbest.

"You can't kill **scientia-potentia-est! Scientia-potentia-est **is completely innocent! **Scientia-potentia-est **has just been falsely accused of being me! This is really not fair to **scientia-pot**..."

Uther finally cut me off. "Why do you just keep repeating the name? Wouldn't pronouns be easier to read and write? And would make the story flow better."

I rolled my eyes. "Because. I'm not supposed to know if **scientia-potentia-est **is a boy or a girl. And I can't ask. It's anonymous on this site. And maybe **scientia-potentia-est**'s incognito, eh?"

"This person has been staring at my son for the past five minutes. And we mistook the same person for someone named Kitty O. Can't you just assume it's a girl?"

I shook my head stubbornly, though of course I was just trying to be annoying. "No."

"Can't you tell? **Scientia-potentia-est **is standing right in front of you!"

"In theory. In truth, she's reading this and laughing. I can't really see her… That's why it is fiction."

"You just called her 'she'!"

"Did not."

"Yes, you did!"

I smiled. "No, I don't think so."

**Scientia** looked at us. "Don't I get a say in this?" she asked.

"NO!" we both shouted.

"Fine," she grumbled, and went back to staring at Arthur, who was beginning to be creeped out.

Uther glared at me and ran his hand across his face. "You are driving me crazy."

I smiled. "That's what I'm here for. Let her go and I'll stop."

Uther leaned back in his chair, exasperated. "Promise?"

"Pinky."

Knowing that pinky promises were legitimate, and even fingers-crossed doesn't count then, Uther nodded and waved to Leon.

"You can take her away," he told Leon.

Leon, poor Leon, who is good for something, but I've yet to utilize it, started forward and helped her to her feet.

**Scientia-potentia-est** looked a little confused. "Wait, I'm leaving?"

I nodded. "You're free."

"And I'm never coming back into this story?"

"You just get a cameo; that's right."

She looked hurt. "That's all I got to do?" she asked as Leon untied her hands.

Great. Now even my reviewers were being demanding. What was the world coming to? "Yes," I sighed.

"Like heck am I just leaving now!" she suddenly cried, and then, as much to my surprise as anyone's, broke away from Leon and sped like a cannon for the Prince. Before we could so much as blink, she'd wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him quite firmly on the lips.

Arthur froze. Uther choked. Merlin stared. I think my mouth dropped open; **scientia**, did it? You tell me.

After a moment, she stepped away and smiled at Leon. "Now," she said, "I can go."

And she turned and strolled from the throne room.

"That settles it," said Arthur, a little dazed. "She's positively a girl."

I nodded and shut my mouth. _Get over it, _I told myself. _One-shot. It's a one-shot. You don't have time to dwell._

"Well," I said cheerfully. "Now that we are done here…?"

"Done?" asked Uther. "No, you are to be executed tomorrow."

"Ah, come on, you don't really want to do that."

"Yes, I do."

I stared at him. Why wasn't he listening to my every command?

Uther said, "Put it in the records and in my speech, Leon. Her name that is. What is her name anyway?"

Leon said, "**********."

Uther said, "That isn't a name!"

I muttered, "Wow. There's some used humor…"

Leon nodded. "It isn't, Sire. We can't help that. It's censored."

"Come now! Can you see me declaring that ********** must die for crimes against Camelot? It sounds stupid!"

"Call her Kitty O," suggested Arthur. Merlin glared at him, as if to say, _don't help them! _Merlin had been very quiet this whole time. I wondered if he had a plan. Or maybe he was just nervous.

"I have to use her real name," explained Uther.

"Then don't kill me!" I suggested.

"Shut up," replied Uther. I was offended. "We'll use Kitty O."

This was going to far. "Wait a minute! You can't execute me!"

"Why not?" asked Uther.

"Because I… oh, blast! Oh, word-I-would-have-to-censor-were-I-allowed-to-say-it! I forgot that this isn't an original story of mine! You characters won't disappear if you execute me! You're in someone else's imagination too! Double-darned fanfiction!"

Confused, Arthur asked, "You are writing the story, aren't you? Can't you make my father release you, like you made me forget?"

"One, how do you know about that? You don't remember! Two, don't you know anything about writing, Arthur?" - Even though I had just figured it out myself - "At first, sure, you can do anything you want with the characters… but then, after a while, they begin to run away with you and do whatever they like. Except Merlin. He's pretty much wrapped around my finger."

Suddenly Merlin understood that I was giving him a cue, so he fell to his knees and shouted, "Kitty O! Do not leave me, fair one! My heart would break!"

Nice to know someone looked sillier than I did…

"Don't worry, Merlin. I'll be fine. If I'm not, then the love spell will break. So eiher way, you'll be okay. Just, whatever you do, don't cry."

He nodded and bit his quivering lip. Then the guards came and took me away.

But I wasn't going to stay away, of course.

"You will all," I couldn't resist calling back, "going to remember this as the day that you almost caught Kitty O of Awesomeness!"

Not my line, of course. But this was Camelot. Who would know? So what if I took Jack Sparrow's line? Excuse me… CAP'N Jack Sparrow…

* * *

The sun leaked through the bars as the days faded, turning my skin a glorious gold as I faced the window, hands clasped behind my back, spine straight.

The prison door creaked open, a sound that put my teeth on edge, and I heard Merlin's unmistakable footsteps.

"Kitty?"

I didn't reply, just put my head up a little farther and looked longer into the sunlight.

"What are you doing?"

"I," – pause – "Am making a… dramatic picture."

Merlin paused.

I continued, "You know, because of the sunlight making a glowing silhouette?"

I could practically feel him blinking at my back. "I will never understand you," he told me. "As long as you live. Or I live. Whichever's shorter."

"Cheerful," I commented. "Okay, enough of this junk. I'm going to seriously damage my eyes." I turned around and face Merlin.

He gave me a smile, which I ignored. "Did you at least bring food?" I asked. I get very grumpy when I'm hungry. Or thirsty. Or sleepy… okay, scratch that, I'm usually grumpy.

"I'm surprised," he told me, handing me some food—yuck to the tenth power kind of food, might I add, "that you haven't already escaped."

I coughed. "Yes, well. You know how I've totally lost control of the story?"

"Yes."

"I've lost my magic, too."

"Ooh. That's bad."

"Really? I didn't know until you told me." The bread looked half-decent. I bit into it.

"I'll help you escape," he told me. "Don't worry."

I shook my head. "Escape sequences always end badly, Merlin, you know that."

He bit his lip and leaned against the wall, realized what had been on the wall, and stood back up. "I know. There must be some way… I mean, there always is a way in the end, right? Who all have we broken out of jail?"

"A lot of people. But Tom died. Mordred, you had Arthur's help and he won't offer it now. And Alice. To name a few."

"All were near misses at least, huh?"

"Yeah," I said with a sigh. Was it too much to ask to get away clean? But then: "Merlin?"

"Yes?"

"About those warning bells; you know, the ones that come out of no where?"

"Yeah?"

"How exactly did Arthur say that could be shut off?"

Merlin began to smile. My face mirrored his own. Well, except for the blue eyes, high cheekbones, dark hair… etc. etc. Okay, my expression mirrored his own. Nitpickers.

* * *

"Kitty! Quietly!"

"I'm sorry! I don't have the same practice as you!"

"But must you run into every armor piece in the halls?"

"Why can't you magic up some light or something?"

Merlin groaned as though I was being unreasonable. (Imagine! Me, unreasonable!)

Merlin leapt against the wall as two soldiers passed by. I was too slow, but luckily the soldiers didn't notice the girl standing in the middle of the hallway.

Men. So oblivious.

After they were gone, Merlin grabbed my arm, and we ran from the castle, into the town square.

"Safe," gasped Merlin, hands on his knees in a totally adorable fashion.

I puffed for air, but smiled with joy. Oh. So that's what fresh air smells like. I'd forgotten.

"Kitty, where will you go now?" he asked me, concerned, once we'd caught our breath.

"Home. 2010."

His face fell. "Oh. This… this is goodbye, then?"

I gave him a smile, but it was weak. Because lack of breath tends to do that to your smiles. "Don't panic. I'll be back. Just as soon as I get back my powers and ability to boss you all around. In other words, no worries, because come Season Four, I will be posting another fic… centered around responses to episodes. In other words, it will be one big memo fest!"

He tried to look excited. "Oh, yay. You can pick on me more."

"Because I love you."

He nodded and made a manly effort not to cry—thank heavens. Then he turned to say goodbye our usual way.

A handshake.

(Hey, I hear you judging me! I like taking these relationships slow!)

I stared at his hand for a moment, then threw propriety to the winds. "Aw, what the heck," I said, and pulled him into a friendly embrace. (Well, okay, so some of the propriety might've flown back into my face. But I kissed his cheek! I promise! That counts for something, right?)

When I walked away, I had to fight back the tears in my eyes. But that's okay. Because I am a woman, and we are allowed to be overly emotional.

So now you all know what kind of day I had. It was filled with surprises and excitement and a broken bell… Merlin might've knocked out Quasimodo, but hey, there were no serious injuries. I hope you forgive me, then, for posting a little late at night, and show your forgiveness by making this last effort to review, please please please?

Well, friends, being OCD if not officially, I will give you one more chapter to make it an even thirty… though it may just be a list of people to thank, including Arthur, Fenedra, Merlin, Uther, Gaius, timothy took, Water1Wolf, Word-Stringer, Morgause…

Review while I go finish my homework and studying. Honestly, how they expect me to do schoolwork while I take down Kings I'll never know…


	30. Shouting Out

**HELLO FOR THE LAST TIME!  
**

Crying yet? *Sniff* N-n-no, me neither… *Sniffs and blows nose*

**Well,** before I get onto my humorous 'thank you's let me seriously say this: You are the best reviewers ever! I know I could always count on you people to R&R and love!

**A few records and firsts:** This is my most reviewed and longest fic ever, with 30 chapters and 321 reviews right now… (*giggles*… It's a lucky number! 3. 2. 1. BLAST OFF!) And none of the reviews were negative, though a few contained constructive criticism… which doesn't count. I know that this is truly amazing, as everyone's sense of humor differs. I wish I could thank those people who don't care for mine for being kind enough not to be rude about it… But I can't. Because they don't read this, obviously. This was also my first fic ever to be added to a community. I'll get to that later. It is also the first time that I have ever been called a comedic genius.

Not to mention, it is the first time I've ever shaken Merlin's hand. But that is beside the point.

Eh, no it isn't. I'm still psyched about the whole handshake. (I MAY NEVER WASH MY HAND AGAIN! JK, Colin Morgan. You're cute, but no one is THAT cute. My hand needs to be washed.)

**Now there's something I want to share with you.** This is my favorite reviewer line ever. No, every-time-reviewers, I'm afraid it didn't go to one of you. Your reviews were AWESOME, and hilarious… some still have me laughing. But this line… I still remember it, so it's pretty memorable.

Chapter 21, Questionnaire (Remember? Bunny Arthur? "Anyone for rabbit stew"?):

NRKOA member: **Maltese-Sapphire**

Quote: "Rabbit stew = NOM. Just not with bits of Arthur in it. That's not nom. That's evil."

I don't know why, but that tickled me.

**So! Onto the thanks!** You will all get one, but they will be brief! You may skip ahead to your own, if you like, but you'll miss the ones for the REAL characters in between.

**THANK YOU NRKOA MEMBERS: **

**Fernazab: **Reviewed almost every time, only missed like 5. It gets very confusing, you know, reading these reviews. I always have to use context clues to find out if Fern or Zab is reviewing. It's like being caught in the middle of the worst multiple personality disorder EVER! Kidding. You guys rock for reviewing! Applaud them. They inspired me to go past chapter 1. They also requested possession of Merlin more than once. Heck no.

**Scientia-potentia-est:**reviewed every time and twice on one chapter: How is that possible? I don't think it is. It's proof of her loyalty. Scientia's been there since the beginning… mooning after Arthur the whole time and writing me pages upon pages. For which I am grateful because 1) I love reading them and 2) I guard Merlin like a tiger.

**Crawlcarrymethrough: **about 2 reviews You've been gone a while but I assume you are still here. You assured me that Paige Turner and Cliff Hangar were the win of the day. Yes, they were, weren't they?

**Arthur:**didn't review but constantly assured me I was not funny I've said it before and I'll say it again: SHUT UP, ARTHUR! I know you're just jealous of Merlin because I'm prettier than Gwen. Get over yourself. You may be hot and blond and sizzle a little under water, but you don't rule to universe. Or maybe the whole "objectify-Arthur-with-no-shirt" is making you irritable? It would irritate me… Thanks for being there, and forgiving me about Mr. Bobo. I'm getting one just like him for Christmas! Perhaps in my next fic our relationship will progress? *ducks to avoid broken goblet, Arthur's new weapon of choice*

**Emachinescat: ***sigh* Do I have to go count her reviews or can I just say, like 10? Rather hilarious herself, Emachinescat flatters me with her attention to my fic_S_, plural. Yes, I WILL update _How to Accidentally Kill a Warlock _soon. My beat reader is just as busy as I am and I have exams Thursday! WHY AM I EVEN WRITING THIS?

**Freya1234: **Okay, got it. Five reviews. Hmm, I could've sworn it was more. Thanks, Freya! Ah, you were one of the ones who commented on my chapter-posting-fail, huh? You had me really confused when you said that you 'hoped Merlin was all right' and that Questionnaire was 'well-written'. Only to realize that I'd posted my whump fic. Still blaming Fenedra for that.

**SupremeCucumber: **One, I think. Okay, so go back and look at that name. Supreme Cucumber. I've seen some awesome pen names on here, but that (along with **Vegetables-will-have-their-revenge**, one word, and **Incoming Grapefruit**) has got to be the best. I like produce, alright? Oh, boy, I could tell you the story about me when I was little bitty and the pumpkin…. And the rice…. But I won't. I'm too embarrassed.

**Timothy took: **every. Chapter. Reviewed. YAY! Now I know I've pointed out your purely awesome name and picture before. Did any of you other members of NRKOA know that timothy took has the tendency to say "awesomesauce" just a tad too much? It's okay, timothy. I say "dagnab it" too much. Timothy took, you asked a question once in a review. I never answered.

TIMOTHY TOOK: "Just one question - what would happen if Arthur had a brain?"

KITTY O: Annihilation, Jim. Total. Complete. Annihilation. (Yes, I just went there.)

**Redlily188: **a few less than ten. But that isn't her fault. She didn't come in until Chapter 20. And she wrote me one of my most memorable reviews ever, beginning with "Dear Kitty O, I hate you." Memorable. And then she proceeded to tell me why she loved me. Hmm. Okay, conflict! And who said these funny chapters were lacking in deep feelings? Oh, wait, no one said that. Also the only person to criticize, redlily wins the prize for… I don't know. Being noticed by KOA?

**Mrs. Bonner:**about five. She came in really late and reviewed a chapter here and there. Okay, I suggest you all go read her fic "Destiny and Chicken", because it is just that great. Lady Vivian never looked so good. You can find it in my community, "…And All the Little People." Thanks, ma'am. Is it okay if I call you ma'am? It would seem really weird to call you anything else.

**Dannic38:**disappeared after about 7 reviews I seem to remember her or him once telling me in a review that she or he couldn't wait to see me jump over the shampoo bottle. Someone must've been sleeping on the keyboard, because when I asked what that meant, the reply was "no idea." Okay, then! Thanks for being there in the beginning, I needed it!

**GhibliGirl91:**I have no idea. It's too late to count again, but she seems to always be there. Reviewing. So I will guess, at least 20? Someone else who's seen Princess Bride. "Have fun storming the castle!" Ah, greatness. Thank you for the constant support and all. I loved having you as a reviewer!

**Jaz (Unsigned): **Ah. Another Merthur fan admits that they laughed at chapter three. I am still waiting to be pelted with rotten tomatoes for that chapter. Where are my haters? They must be here somewhere!

**YokoFiona****: **not very many, but more than one. (LAZINESS ON MY PART!) Thanks. It is so great to be told someone loved my story! Would it be terribly inappropriate to bow like the men on Wii commercials?

**JumpingOverMountains:**If you tell me how many times you reviewed, I'll post it. Otherwise, I'm in a hurry now. My hand hurts. This person reviewed A LOT! *later note* She said 15 times! Ah, Jumping (is it okay if I call you Jumping?), you were one of the ones who put me on your profile, huh? I was SO proud. Thanks. I love your reviews… of so many of my stories! Brighten up my day! Now go back to being Superman.

**Cooking-ninja18! **A lot of reviews at first. Disappeared after a while. Hey! It's been too long! AH, everyone remembers my poem of awesomeness addressed towards you! After that poem, she stopped getting even numbers. They were gotten by people such as Fenedra, Scientia, and Sarah. Gave up, huh, cooking ninja? Thanks for all the support!

**RedHatMeg:**quite a few reviews You know, you remind me of a friend of mine. I know it isn't her (she's here under a different name), but you do. So having your reviews was a little like talking to her, and that was nice. Very kind reviews too, most of them, except that one where you were forced to berate me for being rude. That was too bad of me, really. Thanks for still sticking with me!

**Midnight Vampire Charlotte:**a many-time reviewer. Okay, jussaying, this is going much faster now that I've stopped counting reviews. Who cares about that anyway? Thanks, Charlotte, for all the reviews. I looked forward to them because I knew that they would be happy and complimentary. And always asking for more. AND YOU WERE THE ONLY PERSON TO COMMENT ON ARTHUR'S MR. BOBO, SO I TOTALLY AM INDEBTED TO YOU!

**Anonymous (unsigned):** I have like four reviews signed that… are you the same person? I think so, because genius was spelled "Genious" in all the reviews. Ah, detective work! Thanks. I think I'm smart too.

**Hana spana (unsigned):** Only person to notice my 'look at these adorable ears' line in Chapter four when Merlin explained to Arthur why he can't kill him. Thanks!

**DarkAngel2112: **a couple here and there. I think she was trying not to spoil the S3. Ah, my HtAKaW Beta reader! And idea bouncer! Thanks so much. You are really appreciated in every fic. I post one and think that I hope you will comment on it, because I respect your opinion. Okay, getting too sappy. Must. Stop. Sappiness.

**Pilargirl:** one or two One of the first to suggest I continue my memos, thanks. Your pen name makes me think of that story in the Bible with the lady who turned to salt. Was that random? Oh, yes. Or maybe you walk into pillars a lot?

**Sarahluvsdwrh****: **quite a bit Haha, my first person to pop up as a guest star and the one to suggest Gaius's eyebrow. A valuable member to NRKOA. And guess what else? For the first time, I spelled your pen name out without looking. Correctly. Whoa.

**Larkaidikalikani****: **about five, I say without looking. Ah! Did I even try to spell that name? No. Copy and Paste. Rocks. Gave me the idea to BURN the Great Dragon. ALSO, thank you for the congratulations in trying to kill Ms. Smirks. Did any of you who begged me to do it again notice that I DID kill Morgana? Ha! SUCCESS!

**Gwen: **Thanks, dear. Life would not have been the same without you there to steal all the potential guys in Camelot. No wonder you have only Arthur and Merlin as friends. All the women must hate you! Thanks for your little 'not too good at poetry' line. I may never write again. You ruined my life.

**ChroniclesofNarniaGoTandSJA (unsigned): **I'm glad the chapters continued to make you laugh and laugh. That is their purpose.

**Imagined Artist:** just this one, I think. Could be wrong. About that name. Imagined? But not really? Hm. That's very sad. You can be an artist if you want! Unless, of course, you are caught in a repressive society where art is banned because it breeds thinking. And so you must only be an artist on the lam, and no one will buy your wares, because all are afraid of being killed in an uncreative way by the government because there is no more creativeness! And then you starve in a gutter – creatively – because you have no food. In that case, get off fanfiction and go fight city hall! Am I rambling? Okay. Suffice to say, I blame the government.

**tomcat941****:** twice? 3? Oh, my friend, I have not forgotten you! I'm sorry to hear about all the bad luck that befell you. Did you break a mirror? I did that once. Another long story! Thanks for the support and the run-on sentences in reviews!

**Mistress Moriarty****: **more than one… two or three? Oh, is that name a Sherlock Holmes reference? Because if so, that's awesome. Seriously. Thanks, I'm glad you loved the story.

**Maltese-Sapphire**: a coupleAh. Double-jointed Merthur shipper who reads my story! I love the diversity. Thanks for the reviews and the awesome story that you are writing, where I am still waiting for Merlin to wake up, because I'm pretty sure he's lost his clothes. You should sing people your narwhal song again!

"NARWHALS NARWHALS, SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN, CAUSING A COMMOTION, 'CAUSE THEY ARE SO AWESOME!" Beautiful.

**0llyDreamer-x****: **A coupleYou were the one who begged me to update soon and said you laughed. Thanks a million!

**LostLyra:** One or two Something about that pen name tells me I won't be asking you for directions! I'm glad I could cheer up your day. That's what I am here for.

**lily forever****: **one or two or three You fanfiction people have an odd obsession with lilies. Just saying! Thanks so much! I think it is cute when I speak American, and that's why Merlin thinks so… Just because you mentioned it in a review

**PercbethFan49****: **a few I too am a Percabeth supporter. Percy rocks. Thanks for the reviews. Thank you for asking Gwen to persuade Arthur to forgive me. I didn't think it would work. Was there bribery? I'll bet there was!

**PinkCat46: **one I think. Oh, thanks for telling me that you can see why I am the Future Mrs. Merlin. I think so too. Why the world disagrees I'll never know. OH! Another kitty! We can converse in cat speak! Meow. Meowmeow! Meow? Meomeowmeow hiss!

**Wildmageofgalla (unsigned):** Thank you for taking the time to tell me you worry about my sanity. Who doesn't?

**Daedal:** a couple Is that a Latin/Greek name or am I crazy? No need to answer if the latter. I'm glad you enjoyed the story and didn't want it to end. Me neither. Yes, Merlin makes one awesome secret agent in those shades. *smiley face* And you, too, had to look up narwhals! Yay!

**CM (unsigned):** I think you've reviewed a few of my things before, but it's an easy mistake to make with just initials. Anyway. "(What do you know? The night wasn't so dark after all!)" That was my favorite line in the whole fic. Thanks for recognizing it.

**Lovable Loner: **once or twice? Thanks for the monster review you gave me. I loved it! I remember waiting to see if you would review when I saw your name among the alerts. Can anyone help Loner with Morgana's family tree? I had no idea who she was related to by the end so I can't help her or him!

**Fenedra aka Totally Unknown Person: **A. Lot. Like a lot. Why is your shout out way down here? I thought I'd already done it! Oops! Thanks so much for all your help (especially with the torture-mess-up-chapter-swap-which-is-totally-your-bad) and advice. She also wrote a great fic, _Strange Winds. _The body-switch I considered stealing? I'd put more here but I've said it all in my review replies. *smiles* A fellow reader of _Reflections, _I bet Fenedra would jump and run if I called out, "Pendonkeys for sale!"

**Water1Wolf:** a lot near the end Ah, another person who understands that Colin Morgan, with his last name, was destined for this show. Thanks so much for all your support and stuff. Another reviewer I looked forward to!

**AlwaysWatching96****: **A moderate amount near the end. Creepy pen name, but that's okay! Thank you for thanking me for writing a story 'as crazy as you are' with no slash. Welcome!

**Dodgy: **one I think Is there no end to these reviewers? AHH! Oh, well, this person believes Arthur's hotness makes up for lack of brains. To each his own. I think Merlin's amazingness makes up for his lack of tear duct control, so it's okay. Don't get me wrong, I love Arthur, but…

**Alina Storm: **one or two I believe Thanks for loving and embracing the craziness. Welcome to NRKOA. Oh, I take the underlined part back. Went and looked. She reviewed a bunch later!

**Me (unsigned):** no, not me. Me. Not Me as in I… me as in… oh whatever. Made a good point. Ith all those falling branches, why isn't Arthur scared of the forest? I would be. Maybe Arthur's stupid…?

**Merlin:** Thanks, dear, for putting up with me. I know it was hard. For that, I won't break up with you! As long as you don't cry and don't blow up women. We can be very happy together when I come back. Until then, adieu!

**Dodo.123: **a couple and a really sweet message when she discovered me EVEYBODY LOOK! IT'S A DODO BIRD! Yay. My side is complete. We can now overthrow Darth Vader! YAY! Okay, thanks, Dodo. I love your happy, flattering reviews.

**Namikaze Artemis****: **came in near the endThank you for being properly terrified of my finale and for laughing so hard you died. I hope you have a relative who knows CPR. I loved the reviews!

**Word-Stringer:** a few, the last entering member of NRKOA Hey! You, my friend, deserve a MILLION shout outs. Word-Stringer, besides having an awesome name, reviews like EVERY story I post RIGHT AWAY. It's amazing. Thank you thank you!

**AND THAT IS IT! YAY! OVER! COMPLETE! NO MORE! FIN!**

But, if you really miss me, I have more fanfics and I will be back next season. Look for this alert which means I've posted next fic about S4! YAY! It will be all-memos, sorry, but that's everyone's favorite anyway! I just can't do this again! I'm about to drop dead now!

By the way, if you do decide to read more of my stuff, may I make a suggestion? I'm really proud of my new fics, _And the Wind Touched the Wildflowers _(sappy but sweet) and _Because Knights Don't Throw Boots. _I'd love more reading and reviewing on them. Both are REALLY short! So consider checking out my profile for more. It's all very neat and ordered there.

Oh, I don't expect many reviews for this, but if you wish to reply to yours or whatever, go ahead.

I love you all. Now LET ME SLEEP! And study. Mostly sleep.

**THE END!**


	31. Guess Who's Back and Bad?

Hey.

I did an amazing thing today. I clicked 'in progress' on this story.

In other words, Kitty O of Awesomeness is back, and she hopes her readers missed her just as much as she missed them! Assuming you haven't already forgotten me. And I'm going to assume you haven't. That would be cruel of you. And you aren't cruel people. You review, eh?

So, quick Kitty O Update: Lots has changed since a month and a half ago, when I posted the 30th chapter of this, thinking it would be a year before I ever said hello to any of you. (Wow, that was dramatic sounding!)

_Changes:_

_I updated HtAKaW like a million times. _

_I posted tons of new humor fics which you should check out, like "Victim" and "Proven Wrong" and everyone's personal favorite: "Like Heck You Will!" (All oneshots.) _

_I had a birthday! (I'll come back to that.)_

_I accidentally turned __**redlily188**__ to the dark side. Oops…. (Sorry, **redlily**!)_

_I passed those midterms with flying colors. _

So, back to the birthday. Guess what I got? If you guessed a pink teddy bear named Mr. Bobo, you'd be correct, but that's not all! I got Season 1 of Merlin.

Which gave me a semi-evil, awesome idea fit for my awesome magical semi-evil sorceress's brain of doom (if you'll pardon my **Emachinescat**ish). Everyone loved my memos for S3. So… why not S1 too? Of course they might not all remember S1, but that's okay; I could just put a quick summary of events before I sarcastically berate my favorite fictional characters, right? And after I finish S1, I could move on to the parts of S3 that I didn't get… Everything before The Changeling! And if I happened to get a hilarious idea for a oneshot of coolness, why not throw that in?

I discussed this idea with those I trust most, and I, Myself, Me, Fangirl-Kitty, Kitty O, **********, and Merlin all agree that this is a very, very, VERY good idea!

(I'm not starved for review-attention or anything, I would swear it!)

This idea will not be as strictly updated as before, because I have other stories to be working on, and I want to make it stretch for a while so none of you forget me before 2012 rolls around! And I have a life, too, which is this really annoying, totally unnecessary thing that others insist I have.

What do you think, NRKOA? Can I get a 'Yip-eee!"? Anyone? Don't leave me hanging here!

And while you're at it, most wonderful and awesome reviewers/readers, PLEASE go to my profile and vote on my poll if you haven't. It's a four-way tie at the moment, which is no help to anybody!

Peace out, Kitty O of AWESOMESAUCE! (Thank you, **timothy took**, I heard that.)

(NOTE: Thanks to **redlily** and **DarkAngel**, who told me I should reopen this. They have numbers at the end of their pen names but I can't be bothered to remember! Sorry it's earlier than you expected, **DarkAngel**; I promise not to have a nervous breakdown from too much writing to do!)

NEW MEMBERS OF NRKOA SINCE WE LAST HAD A CHAPTER: (hyphens are to keep ff . net from going crazy)

**for-the-love-of-camelot**

**Elizabeth-the-crazy**

**Sydelle Rein**

**Julie Winchester**

**Fireeternal-1312**

Thank you all! Tell me what you think in a review?


	32. Conspiracy!

Yay! I'm glad that everyone is as excited as I about this story! The reviews were amazing. I knew you were the best people ever! Again, no set update times. I'm not here for the memos, actually, but last night I thought of a funny one-shot. Or what I consider funny. More ridiculous OOC-ness here, and some ridiculous, slash-scheming accusations. I'm sort of considering also posting this as a one-shot, but then again it's sort of cheating to do that. So… probably not. I'm just tempted to because I would love to tag a story with the characters Hunith and Kilgharrah, lol. Set after 1.10 (The Moment of Truth… where Merlin goes to Ealdor). I dare you to read this aloud in a mock-dramatic voice. It's less 'lol' funny and more *snicker* funny. (Thanks in part to **Emachinescat**, who made me think of this.)

**Conspiracy! **

The torch flickered gravely in the dark cave, held aloft by a small woman with hair the same color as her son's. She peered over her shoulder cautiously, and the firelight fell full on her face, revealing white skin and dark eyes.

Hunith continued to sneak surreptitiously through the cavern under the castle, the torch held before her, a dark cape draped over her shoulders. It took her a while, but at last she got to her destination, where the glistening walls widened and spread into a large room. The 'room' was floorless but for one large rock, conveniently located in the center. On the rock and level to the ledge on which Hunith stood, a giant reptile was sprawled lazily. Its golden eyes didn't show any sign of recognition or greeting, but glimmered with intelligence.

"Kilgharrah," she greeted him, her voice clipped.

He stood, stretching his wings out, and responded just as emotionlessly, "Hunith."

She lowered the torch and he was covered by shadows again, satisfied that it was indeed the Great Dragon before her.

At last the dragon inquired, "Are all things going as planned?"

Hunith smiled coldly. "Yes," she told him. "My son bought it, though," and here she bit her lip, "I slipped up once."

"_What?"_ the dragon's eyes went darker, and were he human his eyebrows would have drawn together in concern. "With a mission this sensitive, we can't afford to mess up! What happened?"

Hunith winced. "I accidentally used the same metaphor as you… about the coin."

The dragon gave a frightening, guttural moan, and Hunith stepped back involuntarily.

"Don't worry!" soothed the peasant woman. "He didn't suspect!"

Kilgharrah dipped his head in relief. "And the rest went as planned?"

"Yes," she said firmly. "I told him, 'He _LIKES_ you' and managed to convince him it was his destiny to stay with Arthur."

"Then you did well," commended the dragon.

"And how are you doing here in Camelot?"

The dragon's grin showed off his wicked, spiked teeth in a way that could've sent someone braver than Hunith scurrying away. "Wonderful," he chortled. "I've got him believing my 'coined' phrase—"

At which point Hunith moaned and rubbed her head as though in pain. Funny Dragon… ouch.

"—and he swallowed 'The half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole'. There are more, naturally, but I think you get the idea."

Hunith nodded in understanding.

"Pretty soon," added the dragon, "even the _characters_ will be convinced that this is meant to be slash, not to _mention_ the audience!" He laughed, deep in his chest, a rumbling sound. His golden eyes flared through the darkness at the woman standing below him.

She was unimpressed. Looking the dragon up and down, she remarked, "I think you enjoy this. How much are those fans paying you to push Merthur and make Merlin cry anyway?"

The dragon studied his hard claws and he announced, "More than enough."

"Don't forget my cut," warned Hunith, pushing back her hair with her free hand. "I need that money if I'm to finance the search for Balinor—I mean, at the very least the man could pay for some of the boy's needs, right?" She sighed. "I'll be back in a few weeks to collect my money."

The dragon tried to give a smile in his own way. "Thank you for reporting, Hunith."

She nodded deeply, pushed her hood up to cover her head, and she walked away back into the small tunnel. The light from the torch went with her, casting the dragon into complete blackness.

Kilgharrah didn't mind. He watched her go, his reptilian lips pulled thin. And then, as the cavern around him lost its source of light and went completely and totally dark, he began to laugh. The sound built up until it was an uproarious howl, echoing off the wall and rebounding back at him. The laughter filled the room until fire-hot tears came to his glowing golden eyes.

_Oh, this was just too easy! _

* * *

Cough. So… what do you think? Funny, or am I losing my touch? Review!


	33. Memos s1e1

So, in order to clear up confusion for Camelotians and readers alike, here's how I'm going to do it. I'm sending season 1 back to the season 3 crowd to watch, and those characters are going to watch themselves as season 1 people! Then, they will recieve little s1 memos to read about their actions years ago. That way, I can still crack season 3 jokes. And they'll still know who I am over there in Camelot.

But, thanks to my awesome powers, Uther and Arthur will not be allowed to act on what they've learned…. Nor will anyone else, really, but I'm mostly concerned about those two.

* * *

So quick rundown of s1e1 _The Dragon's Call_:

An innocent looking Merlin approaches Camelot, smiling like a doofus at everyone he sees. He's all joyful and junk, and then, the minute he walks into Camelot, he watches a man be executed for practicing sorcery. And Merlin's all like, "Ouch." Then Merlin goes to Gaius the physician, still smiling, strangely unconcerned by the fact that _a man just got killed before his eyes and then the man's crying mother swore she'd kill Uther's son_, and proceeds to save Gaius with magic when the clumsy doctor-guy falls from the second story, right through some railing. After an introduction, Merlin moves in, and we learn from a letter his mother wrote that he's had magic since birth. So, naturally, he came to a place where magic can get you killed. Makes perfect sense. (Sarcasm.) Over the next few days, he discovers a strong dislike for blonds in chain mail when he one, gets thrown into jail for sticking up to Prince Arthur and two, gets into a fight –with maces! – with Prince Arthur. About this time, we begin really hating Prince Arthur, even if he is hot with a capital H. Also, a creepy voice in Merlin's head lets him know that a dragon lives beneath Camelot and wishes for his company. And Merlin is perfectly okay with this, until the dragon tells him that he has a destiny to protect Prince Arthur. That's where it loses touch with reality for Merlin. Not the talking dragon or the gargantuan cave, or even the fact that he has the awesome destiny. I swear, that boy…

So, meanwhile, Mary Collins, the vengeful mother, kills this famous singer and disguises herself as this Lady Helen, hoping to get into Uther's court for these random 'celebrations' he's holding and kill Arthur. She also kills a random maid on the way, stealing her voice, which kinda makes me mad. No one even cares that Lady Helen or the maid is dead in the end! What the heck? So she sings everyone to sleep (literally) at the celebrations, except Merlin, who covers his ears just in time. Then she pulls out a knife and throws it at Arthur, but Merlin slows down time (apparently not willing to let his enemy die, though he did absolutely nothing about the death of that nice magic-user) and yanks Arthur out of the way of the knife, bringing the light fixture down, killing Mary. (Okay, not actually in that order… Because everyone was awake to see him save Arthur, for once!) Arthur's horrified look when he jumps back to his feet (he was practically on Merlin) makes us consider maybe liking him. Then Uther, deciding Merlin needs a reward, makes him Arthur's _manservant_.

Gotta love his rewards, eh?

And Arthur's appalled shout of "Father!" along with the way he and Merlin look at each other is enough to make us sure that oh, yes, we are going to like Arthur. Very much.

Plus, he's hot.

End of rundown.

So here are the memos. I lost my notes again, *sigh* so they aren't very complete…

* * *

ONE

Best quote of the episode: _"And how long have you been training to be a prat…_ my lord_?"_

When I first saw you walking up in the beginning, I began to scream: Don't do it! DON'T GO IN THERE! THEY WANT TO DESTROY YOUR INNOCENCE! And I was right, wasn't I? Five minutes into the episode and already your brushing off gruesome deaths like they're nothing! And by the end of one episode, you already are a literal lady-killer, beginning the long line of dead females you will soon leave behind you!

Why oh why did you have to enter? THEY DON'T DESERVE YOUR AWESOMENESS!

But, on a happier note, that smile you sent out over the town at night… Well, that smile was what got all the viewers, lemme just say. You stole my heart… Sigh….

Oh, and you never looked so attractive nor will you ever look so attractive again in the next three seasons) as that moment when a certain prat had your arm held behind your back, and you were trying to be all defiant, but then he pulled (which is very painful, pulling back on someone's arms in that position) and you fell backwards with that "I'm doomed AND IN PAIN" look on your face. I don't know why, but that was your cutest moment ever.

It's so gosh-darn attractive.

Sincerely,

Kitty Orleans

* * *

TWO

Best quote of episode: _"It's just, um, Arthur's one of these rough, tough, save-the-world kind of men, and well, you don't look like that."_

You were great.

Well, not great as in you did something great, because you didn't do much… Not that you were useless, because you weren't! But you just didn't do a lot of stuff, but still for a girl in that position you were great…

I mean, you were great for anyone, not just a girl….

I…

Uh, I mean, that is… You were a very good character.

Or, in other words: I miss the way you used to stammer and be attracted to Merlin. It was a nice pairing while it lasted.

Sincerely,

Meow.

* * *

THREE

Best quote of episode: _"That poor mother."_

I miss you.

I miss this you so bad. Come back. Abandon the smirks and COME BACK TO US! THE DARK SIDE LIED ABOUT THE COOKIES!

With Much Missing,

Kitty O

* * *

FOUR

Best quotes of episode: _"How's your knee-walking coming along?" _(Slashers LOVED that.) and _"There's something about you, Merlin…"_

You know, you really shouldn't throw sharp objects at servants. You never know when someone you bullied is going to turn around and get to choose whether you live or die. Good thing some of them are nice people, or you'd be dead ten times over.

Honestly, thank heavens you've grown up a lot since then, or viewers would begin cheering for the enemy during fight scenes. Yeah, yeah, I know; you grew up without a mother. That's hard. But it's no excuse for throwing a beautiful, friendly peasants in jail to sleep on straw whenever it strikes your fancy!

Also, out of curiosity, where were you most of the episode? Lady Helen comes. You weren't there. Your father eats dinner. You weren't there. Merlin's in the stocks. You weren't there. What do degenerate youths do in the Middle Ages? Knock over Ye Olde Navy stores? Draw graffiti that talks bad about magic on the walls of the neighbors' castles? Or just swagger through the streets looking like you're ready for a fight? The last is all we saw during the episode…

Can I draw anti-magic graffiti with you? Looks fun.

To finish up, you never looked so lovingly hate able during that half-second where you pull back on that servant's arms and make him fall down (same scene I mentioned in Memo 1). I began loving/hating you.

Yours in Mutual Irritation with Underlying Respect,

Kitty O

P.S. Do your delinquent friends know about Mr. Bobo? Oh, I'm SO telling them…

* * *

I know they weren't great, but reviews would be so much appreciated that it wouldn't even be funny. I love all of you, my reviewers!

Also, I recently posted more humor one-shots…. Check out"Look! Airborne Swine!" and "Thirty Ways to Annoy King Uther Pendragon & Co.", the no slash version of every other story I've read about the same subject.

Vote on the new poll on my profile? Please? I need more votes. It'll be open for a while.


	34. Memos s1e2

ANSWERS:

One: My Man Merlin. His acting has really improved in the past couple of seasons, in my opinion. It's funny, though, I could swear his accent changes. ;)

Two. Gwen. I'm glad you all like my impersonation of her. I do a mean evil lying she-witch of doom (**Emachinescat **made that up, but it really flows off the toungue), too. *Smirks*. See?

Three. Morgana. Okay, so the dark side DIDN'T lie about the cookies. But it did lie about the cake… Then again, the cake is ALWAYS a lie. Remember that, ladies. THE CAKE IS ALWAYS A LIE.

Four. That hot hunk, Mr. Arthur Pendragon. I have to keep reminding myself of his attractiveness or I'll kill him; he's SO OBNOXIOUS in early season 1. Even if he has his moments.

* * *

So before I begin this rundown, you should know one thing. I hate this episode. It is probably my least favorite of the entire series. Why? I don't know. Maybe because Uther's an idiot. Because that knight with the weird hair dies. Because Arthur NEVER apologizes! Because it's boring. Because there is (sit down here, quickly)_ ArMor_! Yes, I know. I can hear your disgust from here. No sane person should support this incest, this scandal!(No offense to ArMor shippers—they have a really cute ship name and all, but come on! THEY'RE SIBLINGS! That's like when Leia kissed Luke in _Star Wars:_ _The Empire Strikes Back. _Except Arthur never kisses Morgana, thank goodness. And yes, I watch _Star Wars_. Who doesn't?) But just know that I do not like this ship or this episode, and also that Merlin is adorable.

You should always, at all times, keep in mind that Merlin is adorable, and your life will be better.

RUNDOWN OF 'VALIANT':

This episode begins with (surprise, surprise) Sir Valiant. He buys a magic shield from this creepy looking short dude and reveals to the audience that the snakes on the shield can come to life and kill people. This is proved when Valiant kills the guy who sells him the shield. Why? Just to prove to us that Valiant is a bad guy. And then with his little magic killing machine, Valiant to Camelot of all places and enters a tournament.

PLOT QUESTION #1. Why? Why does Valiant do this? I hope they at least offer a lot of money for winning that doggoned tournament, because otherwise he's risking execution… Why? For the thrill of it? Valiant is now an adrenaline junkie. Yay.

Moving on. Arthur and Merlin's friendship is almost, kind of, slightly moving along. They put up with each other. Occasionally they even agree with each other. But Arthur still beats up on Merlin, and Merlin still groans about being his manservant. And Merlin has trouble with where to put armor on a body. (He forgot Arthur's sword once. Ouch.) Meanwhile, Arthur is fighting in this tournament. Valiant is in the same tournament. Arthur is winning. Valiant is winning. We get very bored. This goes on for, what, ten minutes? We discover Valiant is an Eddie Hascal (sp?)—which is a saying from an old sitcom, "Leave it to Beaver". That is, around people he's all nice and kind and "Oh, you look lovely today, Mrs. Cleaver. Is that a new dress?" But secretly he's all, "Let's make the world a horrible place and kill puppies" and stuff. But everyone likes him, except Merlin and Arthur, who aren't as stupid as they pretend.

PLOT QUESTION #2: Why does everyone like him? I mean, the man has evil-looking snakes on his shield. Why in the world would you trust this person? YOU PEOPLE OF CAMELOT ARE ALL IDIOTS!

Then Merlin finds out about the snakes when a man in the tournament gets bitten and Merlin…Well, sees them come alive. It's kind of obvious. He wants to save Arthur, who is fighting Valiant in the final, so he gives Arthur a snake head and gets the knight to be an eyewitness. This backfires when the eyewitness is killed (because that's not suspicious at all, y'all. Doesn't make me think someone has something to hide AT ALL! Sarcasm.) and Arthur is made to look like a coward. Arthur, who now believes he'll be killed by that shield—

PLOT QUESTION #3: Why does Valiant have to kill him? Why does it occur to no one that maybe Val is actually better than Arthur, and there will be no need to bring out the snakes? Arthur, you have a big head…

—sacks Merlin out of humiliation and can't seem to get over the fact that Val will get to escort Morgana to the feast (that's what the winner gets? Really?). Merlin looks angry and is convinced Arthur is going to be killed. Gaius and Gwen both tell him to fix this problem which is in no way his fault. Since he can't stop the fight, Merlin decides that he'll just make the snakes come alive during the fight and prove his point. He practices this spell all night on a stone dog and fails miserably, because it adds to the suspense. (Don't worry, he gets it at the last minute.) Apparently, this is the only way to stop Val.

PLOT QUESTION #4: I know, I hate to be 'that girl', but… Why doesn't Merlin just steal the shield? He's been alone with it. Grab the shield and run for your LIFE, Merlin! Blast it into a million pieces, put on an innocent face, and say, "His shield? Why would I know where it is? He can just fight with another one."

The above is much easier to do than practice a spell for hours, urge Arthur to withdraw, and then use magic IN PLAIN SIGHT OF UTHER (like seriously, the king was LOOKING RIGHT AT HIM) to make the snakes come alive. Then Arthur gets thrown a sword by Morgana (silly sap lost his) and kills Valiant, right after he kills the snakes, throwing in something that totally qualifies as a Bond One-Liner. Then he walks away, patting Merlin on the shoulder as he goes past.

Oh, and ArMor fight during the feast, and Merlin gets rehired (without an exact apology, just a hint at one). They never do tell us how Merlin got rid of the live, angry dog in his room or how he explained the loss of a stone dog statue to Uther. He took it out of the courtyard.

That was really long. Onto the memos.

* * *

ONE

Best line: _"I'm sure he was merely mistaken. I wouldn't want him punished on my account." _*said with fawning smile that makes me sick*

You, sir, are a jerk. I believe Merlin said it best when he first met you and you said "I hope to see you at the reception this evening" and then walked away… _"Creep." _Because you are. Killing random knights with weird hair. Breaking laws for no reason (seriously, did you want to escort her to the feast _that badly_?). Pointing your sword at Merlin's chest (Oh, that's it, you are going DOWN. _NO ONE THREATENS MY MERLIN!). _Trying to kill Arthur (I'm not okay with that, either…).

Basically, you are a mean, mean person with no real motives… Like, really? What was the point in killing that man in the beginning? Sure, kill the gift horse. Don't even look him in the mouth… Just kill him. Jerk.

I don't even know why I'm talking to you. You're dead. Not like you can hear me.

Boo, Hiss,

Kitty O

* * *

TWO

Best line: _"This is how a true knight behaves! With gallantry and honor!" _*about Valiant; isn't that rich?*

Ah, you poor, wonderful blind goose. You are less than kind in this episode, you know. Trying to get people arrested. Offering the chance to be a knight of Camelot to really bad people.

Best of all, putting all that on your son. "I trust you'll make me proud. If you don't, I'll disown you. You'll be kicked out of Camelot. I will deny ever having a child—scratch that, I'll deny ever having a WIFE. You will disgrace your name and live out the rest of your days in a hermitage if you lose this thing. But no pressure."

I wonder why I still love you.

With Love,

Kitty O

* * *

THREE

Best line: _"I want you to swear to me that what you're telling me is true… Then I believe you." _And_ "Looks like I'll be going to the feast after all."_

Despite your annoyingness and tendency to be childish and priggish and mean and refuse to listen to advice and… Wait, where was I? Right. Despite your faults, you do have some good qualities too. They show up in some conversations this episode. Like:

"You're braver than you look. Most servants collapse after the first blow." Despite being a bully, you do give credit where credit is due. And:

YOU: "I don't get nervous."

HIM: "Really? I thought everyone got nervous…:

YOU: "Will you SHUT UP!"

This shows that you are, above all, human. And hot. Sorry, where did that come from?

YOU:"Don't you understand? I can't withdraw! The people expect [me] to fight! How can I lead men if they think I'm a coward?"

HIM: Something along lines of: "You'll die."

YOU: "Then I die!"

That little talk was just attractive. That's all, no questions asked.

Sincerely,

ME!

P.S. Sorry none of your friends will talk to you because of what I said about Bobo. I'll come write PROmagic graffiti with you and make it all better!

* * *

FOUR

Best line: _"Fine. Just doing my job. Minding my own business."_ And then the total opposite: _"Why does everyone think it's down to me to do something about it?"_

Well, I'm on a time crunch here, but can I say I love you, you rock, and I would like to give you a hug? You looked so sad when you got fired. SAAAD.

Oh, and seriously? One spell took you all night? Forgetting the suspense factor, really? I mean, aren't you supposed to be all-powerful? You do realize that if I put that in a fiction, every single mean unsigned reviewer with only first names like "Jullian" or "Mark" or whatever the heck these mean reviewers call themselves would all descend on me shrieking in vulture-like glee: "OOC! OOC!"

(You know they do it too. All the nice unsigned reviewers sign things like "MerlinFan" or "Fan" or "Anonymous" or "Felicity P". I have never received a mean review that is signed "A Merlin Fan".)

Love,

Kitty Orleans

* * *

That's all, but reviewers are greatly appreciated! Note this has not been proof read. I should've been in bed ten minutes ago and I risk a yelling-at as I type. So cheerio, I'll look over it tomorrow!

(By the way, Knight in Charred Armor and probably The Start of Beautiful Friendship will be updated tomorrow.)

Ta! (OOH! And catch me being whumped by Merlin for the mean things I do to him in **PoisoningPigeonsinthePark**'s story "The Whump Off".)


	35. Memos s1e3

Hey there; I'm back. I know, I know; it's been too long. I was busy. What can I say? I do have a question for you readers, however. Do you want me to continue this?

Before you begin rolling your eyes at me (I saw that!) and thinking that I'm complaining again, I promise I'm not. The reviews have been FINE. Really. It's just that, recently, I've been very busy. And then I started like five new fics. Which was not my smartest move, even if I did manage to convert quite a few fanfictioners into Morgause/Leon fans. So, since I'm really busy and this story has the longest life span ever, if no one cares all that much, I'll just put it on the shelf until season 4 comes out. If, however, you all light your pitchforks and begin plotting to assassinate me for asking this question, I think I'll have to continue it. The updates might take a while, as I'm trying to rush_ Fired, _but I can squeeze watching all of season 1 for like, the fourth time into my schedule if it means a lot. But I won't mind putting this all on hold, either. Your choice.

* * *

So, ANSWERS.

ONE: Valiant, the lowdown cowardly snake. Heehee, it's really ironic with his name. I agree with the person who said he did all this because he can't get a girl.

TWO: Uther, my dear. I actually really liked him in episode 3—and if you know what this episode is, you're probably looking at me funny. Guess what? YOU CAN'T LOOK AT ME FUNNY! You can't see me! HA!

THREE: Arty the One Man Party. (Thank you, **fortheloveofcamelot**.) By the way, because DarkAngel2112 guilted me, I can't admire His Hotness anymore. *grumbles* Apparently she was going to show it to Merlin. But if she does, I'll tell Merlin about her and Gwaine... Heehee *looks evil*

FOUR: Merlin. By the way, I didn't mean to say I've never received nice reviews from people with one name. Just the ones with the really upright-sounding names do seem to be the harsh ones, sometimes. As I said, I've never received a mean review from someone signed in "A Merlin Fan" or "Bean Cat". And yes, even I receive mean reviews. There are some people out there with no respect for Awesomeness. Honestly.

* * *

RUNDOWN OF 'THE MARK OF NIMUEH':

This episode begins with Nimueh. By the way, my spell check claims that is spelled wrong. My spell check is an ignoramus. (Burn.) She shapes some weird play-doh, clay thing in her hand, puts it in an egg, drops it in the water, and lets it wreak havoc by poisoning Camelot's water supply.

And they wonder why Uther thinks magic is evil.

Anyway, Gwen's father is introduced to this series, and we see that they love each other. Any smart member of the audience begins to fear for his life immediately after that. Meanwhile, Merlin and Gaius find a dead body in the street with blue skin and white eyes, veins popping out. It's gruesome. The best part? None of the people of Camelot care! Yeah, they just walk on by. I sure want to move there—the locals are SO friendly! Merlin and Gaius cart the body away to find the cause of death. Gwen meets Merlin and we see some downright adorable budding romance. (It won't last two more episodes before Gwen becomes a man-eating LANCELOT LOVER!) Then Uther complains about sorcery a bit. Gaius does scientific stuff. Merlin wants to help everyone with his magic. Arthur searches Gaius's chambers and misses a magic book sitting FIVE FEET IN FRONT OF HIM! (No wonder they never find any sorcerers on these searches!)

And then, Gwen wakes up to find her father has caught the sickness. Things begin to get good! Horrified, she begs Gaius for help, but he can't find a cure yet, and he demands that Merlin not use magic foolishly. See? I told you; you should fear for good ol' Tom! Watch him drop dead…

But he doesn't. Nope, not even a bit, because Merlin disregards Gaius's oh-so-wise advice (I don't blame him for not taking advice from the guy who betrayed all magic…) and cures Gwen's father with a poultice and a spell. Thrilling, thrilling. Sunshine and daises—until Arthur sees her father is alive, well, and kicking. Suspicious and on the lookout for a sorcerer, he searches her house and finds the poultice which Merlin so carelessly left.

He arrests Gwen (her tearful pleas are really quite sad: "Please, I'm not a witch! You have to listen to me! Why won't you listen to me? Please!") despite Morgana's protests, because: "I can't turn a blind eye!" At which point my brother next to me declared, "Sure you can! It's easy!" He covered my eyes and turned my face to the side to make his point. I think he's right. (By the way, in this entire episode of Gwen being arrested for healing her father – which, in Uther-logic, means she must've started the plague too – how many times do you think we see her father say anything? Zero. He doesn't show again until the end. What the heck?)

Let me wrap this up quickly. Merlin tries to find the cure to save Gwen. No luck. Morgana tries to argue to save Gwen. No luck. Arthur tries to point out that healing a person doesn't mean she's killing others, but not only does he have no luck, he manages to convince Uther to burn her rather than behead her. Um… Arty? Shut up. You're making things worse. Merlin tries to admit he's the sorcerer, but Arthur says he's making things up because he's in love with Gwen. Uther laughs and lets him go. (Yeah, that's funny, Uther; you're burning the woman he loves tomorrow and you laugh?) Merlin talks to the dragon, finds the monster in the water supply, and needs to destroy it with Fire and Wind (because it's made of Earth and Water, the other two base elements). Morgana wants to help, and in a horrible scene of implied ArMor (THE INCEST! MAKE IT STOP! I BEG OF YOU! I'LL GIVE UP MY BEANIE BABY COLLECTION! I'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING! Ahem…) convinces Arthur to help as well. So… they go down the reservoir. They try to use swords to no avail. Merlin uses wind to make Arthur's torch hit the monster and burn it up. (Merlin could've done this without ArMor's help… But I guess he needed witnesses for Gwen.) Gwen is let go. Uther learns Nimueh is behind this. Nimueh curses and glares at Merlin through her seeing-pool-in-a-bowl, saying she'll make him pay. Which she does, next episode! Also, Morgana is convinced Merlin is in love with Gwen.

But the important thing is, Tom lives.

For another eight or so episodes.

Yes, that was a spoiler.

Okay, whew! Onto the memos!

* * *

ONE

_Best quote of episode_: "We have _nothing_ to hide! Go on then, search!" *lowers voice* "What have you done with the magic book I gave you…?"

You know, I didn't notice this until Poisoning-Pigeons-in-the-Park (no hyphens!) said so, but you are incapable of pronouncing the word "sorcery". It's kind of odd… You always say "saucery", which isn't a word but sounds a lot like a chocolate fountain or a pan to make caramel sauce in. Yum.

Uh, where was I? Oh, yeah. First of all, despite what you said, Merlin is not your dogsbody. Just so you know. (I don't actually know what that means, but it sounds bad.)

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying in this episode… Well, I understand it, but I don't think I agree. I'm one for just performing good deeds and trusting fate and karma to help me out, but you don't seem to agree with that. So what you're saying is… he should've let the innocent man die, because it _wasn't_ an easy decision? Hm. But you see, Merlin's way, the innocent man lived, Gwen was NOT killed for having magic, the water supply was cleaned, and the plague stopped. I don't understand. Sure, it was dangerous, but WHERE IS THE DOWNSIDE OF MERLIN'S WAY? (Sure, Gwen's dad isn't long for the world anyway, but we don't know that yet!)

Love,

The Feline-ish One

* * *

TWO

_Best quote of the episode:_ "One day you may become king. Then you will understand; such decisions must be made!"

First of all: MAY become king? Whoa, there, bucko. What, have you a secret ninja assassin squad you plan to unleash on Prince Arthur? Are you planning to stab him? Why do you say MAY? Do you have so little faith in his ability to protect himself?

Other than that, I'm actually not going to make fun of you. If there's one fault I can find in your show, it's that you DO have to make hard decisions sometimes, and does anyone appreciate it? No. You DO try to defend your people as best you can, even if you often come to the wrong conclusions, and what do you get? A bunch of threats, a betrayal from your daughter, your son trying to kill you, and a hate-base the size of Miley Cyrus's and Justin Bieber's put together! (That being said, my computer refuses to accept that Miley and Bieber are names. Sorry, computer. It's the dead truth.)

Even if you do want to kill one of the main characters by burning, you were attempting to save your people from dying. I respect your intentions, and even understand your methods. And I thought your face when she was pleading (Your I-refuse-to-listen face) was kind of cute.

I admit it. I like you a lot.

Arthur really doesn't grasp the "difficult decisions" thing yet, and that is necessary, if not always likable, in a king. I hate to break it to everyone: WHEN ARTHUR BECOMES KING, IT WILL NOT ALL BE RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE! There will be bad things and people, and the only ways to defeat them will be morally questionable, and innocent people may suffer, quite by accident. I hope Arthur can face that when the time comes.

However, why is it that when Gwen is thought to be a magic-user, and Morgana protests her innocence, it's all: "Quiet, Morgana, you don't know what you're talking about." But when Merlin is suspected, and Arthur claims it's a lie, you're all: "Oh, wait, you may have a point."

Uh… what? Nice to know who gets all your trust. Watch that. As Anakin Skywalker proves, if you don't trust someone, they sometimes turn… evil. Just a word of caution.

Sincerely,

K

* * *

THREE

_Best quote/conversation of episode:_ YOU: "Please… one thing. You don't have to…" HIM: "What?" YOU: "Remember me?"

Sweet as you are, I can't help laughing and thinking 'no way would I say that'. I mean, you are an innocent person about to die. You've got a lot of humility if you simply request to be remembered. Most people would get mad and be more like this: "I'm dying because of some stupid king and his son's inability to turn a blind eye, and even if I don't know it, YOU! You had just better cry. You had just better remember me. Or else." Thinking about it, that might not go over so well, actually… Maybe your way is better.

Also, how you are with your father is so sweet. You gave him smoked pigeon (Heehee, here's looking at you, PoiPig!) with more smoke than pigeon, tied with a pink bow. I dare anyone else to do anything sweeter.

Shame he's not long for this world.

This is probably a painful memory for you. I'll stop now. (See, I can be nice!)

My condolences,

~Kitty~

* * *

FOUR

_Best quote of episode:_ *in tone of horror* "Why would someone use magic like that?"

Well, heee-llo, Mr. Naïve. Why would someone use magic like that? I don't know. Because they're evil? Because Uther killed everyone they cared about? Because Gwen thinks purple is your color? It happens. Pretty soon, you too will be killing people without a second thought.

Anyway, I thought you were really cute in this episode. Especially when you tried to keep Gwen from seeing the dead man. D'awww… So protective. If I wasn't a great mushy Arwen fan…

I love this conversation. You are too funny:

HER: "How could you know?"

YOU: "Yeah, alright… You finally found out; I'll tell you." *Dramatic pause* "I'm psychic."

HER: *Laughs* "No, you're not."

YOU: "It's true!"

HER: "Okay, what am I thinking?"

YOU: "That I'm… _not_ psychic."

HER: *laughs* "You're strange!"

Heehee…

Love,

Your Love

LATER NOTE: I'm going to include the comment of my beta (DarkAngel2112) here, because it made me chuckle:

(**AND YOUR OTHER LOVE WHO IS CURRENTLY BETA-ING THIS! IN THE WORDS OF GWEN: "REMEMBER ME!" Except hers was more of an annoying plea and mine is a wake-up call!)**

* * *

FIVE

_Best quote of episode:_ "Merlin, come here. Look what I found… I found a place you can put things. It's called a cupboard."

Personally, I put things on a shelf. But it still works the same way, I suppose. I think it's cute to watch the developing friendship. It's not quite there yet, but slowly it's getting there.

I love three of your facial expressions in this episode. One, when Gwen is being led away with your in front, while she loudly begs and pleads innocence. It's a closed kind of "I don't want to be here, so I'll close my ears and look like stone" face. How'd that work for you?

The second, when Gwen is being led away to the dungeons so she can be executed. It's a "I really want to say something" face, but you hold your peace until you can not look like you're defying Daddy.

The third, right after you convinced him to burn her instead of behead her. It's a "Oh, dang, I should shut up while I'm ahead… as if I ever was!" face.n

Too cute.

But I'm still Team Merlin!

Yours in Mutual Irritation,

Me (ow)

* * *

Haha, there you go. Please review, tell me what you think about them and about the note at the beginning.

Also, if you want a funny story to read, I suggest "Evil, Shady Dealings" about Morgause and Morgana by **LetsFaceTheMusic. **Apparently it's funnier than Rules and Regulations. (Heehee, I couldn't resist that, reviewer.) Seriously though, I don't disagree. It had me rolling.

If anyone cares, I recently wrote some Star Trek: The Original Series fanfiction ( a oneshot) and a Merlin/Star Trek: the Original Series crossover. If you're interested!

Adios, and all that good stuff...


	36. Memos s1e4

**Okay, well, everyone seemed to give me the dreaded answer—I should continue only if I want to. Ouch… you sound like me trying to decide where everyone goes out to eat! (At least Namikaze Artemis honestly just threatened me with assassins!) But fine. I want to. So, I'll update at whatever pace I can. Spring break is next week, so expect an update then. Also, hopefully an update of Fired, Beautiful Friendship, Thirty Ways, Merlin Mixes with Anything, and whatever else I can squeeze into one week. Happy Easter!**

Guess what? Guess what a reviewer did for ME? Someone wrote an Ode to Kitty O! Yes, really. And now I shall post it with many smiles… Thank you **hypergeek21**! (I fixed a few typos. Mind?)

_O Kitty O, O Kitty O,_

_This is my ode to you,_

_You have written poetry for others,_

_So I shall write one for you._

_I began to read this,_

_whilst on my revision break._

_I did not realise,_

_How long it would take._

_I would like to let you know,_

_I loved Merlin first,_

_I loved him in Midnight from the Doctor Who universe._

_I suppose we could share him,_

_If I could have his ears (and smile and everything else- no? Okay then)._

_Or perhaps we should double date,_

_I think that would be weird._

Hey, hypergeek, was the last line part of the Ode? I didn't think so, but it might be… Anyway, thanks!

* * *

**ANSWERS**

ONE: Gaius. Actually, I gave the wrong person credit for 'saucery'. It's not PPitP, it's **Autumne255**.

TWO: Uther. Love the guy to bits. By the way, I realize that what I said last chapter may have been misunderstood. I am in no way 'okaying' what Uther does! Nuh-uh! Nor am I saying I would want Arthur to do it when he becomes king, or that I would do it! I just understand why he does what he does do, and I can't argue with his 'for the better good' decisions. I would never do some of the stuff he does. But that is why I was not born royalty (as far as any of you know. Heehee…). Anyway, in this chapter we'll get more insight as to why I love Uther! Yay!

THREE: _Guin_evere, as Arthur likes to say. Oh, heavens, it's SO cute when he says that! (TEAM MERLIN I'M TEAM MERLINTEAMMERLIN!)

FOUR: My man Merlin. What's up, Merlin? Or, as my mother's only line in a high school play was once: "Hey you wit' the big ears, whatcha doin' afta the show?" How do I know this? I don't remember…

FIVE: Arty the One Man Party. Hey, by the way, whatever happened to his delinquent friends after episode 1? We never see them again? Oh, I know, did they drop him after I mentioned Mr. Bobo…? Too bad. I wish they would come back so we can see Arthur growing away from such juvenile activities… Like trying to kill random warlocks with maces. Or maybe they got arrested for the pro-magic graffiti? Gasp!

* * *

**RUNDOWN OF 'THE POISONED CHALICE':**

First off: I love you, Uther. Even if every other viewer wants to kill you this episode... Moving on.

I'm going to try to be perfectly honest with you, without having to change the rating of this fic. This episode, though my favorite, is really awkward to watch at times. Why? Well… it's a little like an extended dirty joke. You know: the one with four words in it? That one. I seriously suggest watching this with your friends if you want a really immature giggle. Jussayin'.

Second ep in a row to start with Nimueh. Guess what she's doing? Yep; hocus-pocus. Magic. Saucery. The beginning of a very intricate death plan for Camelot… She's such a drama queen. By the way, I think she has the prettiest neck and collarbones. I'm jealous. Oh, and she's got a cup. Fear the poisoned cup.

Onto Camelot! Apparently there was a war in Camelot that they neglected to mention, and now it's over. That's why these people in blue are coming to Camelot to sign a treaty. King Bayard is their leader, and I think his beard is very manly. Anyway, guess who is with Bayard's servants?

Robert Pattinson!

No, kidding. I think vampire/wizard falls under the category of people not allowed in Camelot. You know, the M-word. Not mongoose, the other one.

It's Nimeuh, duh. She's got an evil plan. And it includes that poisoned cup she had earlier. She sneaks into Bayard's room once Uther is finished with his peace talk blahblahblah, and there she switches the real cup – a ceremonial official gift for Arthur, right next to Uther's (Morgana don't get one) – with her one of doom. Incidentally, this is right after she meets Merlin in the hall, introducing herself by 'falling down' and practically shoving her low-cut dress into his face. Needless to say, he goes googly-eyed. Save me.

Merlin's helping Arthur get ready for some feast, cleaning out some gross old clothes the prince wants to wear ("Did it end in a food fight?" "Don't all feasts?") when Arthur tells him that, as a matter of fact, he'll be at the feast too. Making sure Arthur's cup doesn't run dry. It's quite ironic that Merlin is the one who makes quite sure that the same cup gets empty and stays empty. But Merlin has to wear special "Official ceremonial robes of the servants of Camelot". (Okay, I'm pretty sure Arthur made that up to annoy his servant.) Do you remember what those robes look like? Do you? Do you remember the hat? Or, as we fanfictioners call it, The Hat? I'm sure you do, because frankly, this hat is better than pro-magic graffiti. So Merlin has to wear this feathered monstrosity, and a cape too. And he does not look happy… But Arthur does. Very happy. Nasty Arthur! You won't be so happy in a minute…

So, back to the story. Merlin is in the banquet hall, a ridiculous outfit on. Gwen giggles at him. He spots Nimueh, who he knows as "Cara", looking his way, so he whips off the hat and cape and smoothes down his hair. But she doesn't really care what he looks like, because she has bigger things on her mind. She rushes over and pulls him out of the room when Bayard starts a speech.

Nimueh, after a lot of stuttering and faked hesitation, tells him that Bayard has poisoned Arthur's cup. Seriously, it's a good thing Bayard is long-winded. This whole scene takes WAY too long. And Merlin makes promises he can't keep, by the way. Because… he promises he won't let anything happen to her because of this. But he has to know he could get killed or arrested with what he's about to do, right? He can't protect her if he's dead. Even if he doesn't tell that she told, someone could figure it out.

This is taking too long. Basically, he runs in and says that the cup is poisoned. Morgana is alarmed. Arthur is exasperated. No one but Uther looks too much like they're taking it seriously. Uther decides that Merlin should drink the wine. If it's poisoned, then Arthur's saved. If it isn't, Bayard can do with Merlin "as he wills" (what is he, a ped—*looks at rating* a creeper?) for accusing him falsely. This solves all our problems, except, as Arthur says: "But if it is poisoned, he'll die!"

Thanks, Captain Obvious. And Uther replies: "Then we'll know he was telling the truth!"

I love you, Uther.

The drink goes down the hatch, and after an unnecessarily suspenseful pause where nothing happens, Merlin begins to choke and falls down on the floor. And everyone's like: Oh. (By the way, a Youtube commenter pointed out that as Merlin falls, he has the cup in his right hand. When he hits the ground, it rolls out of his left. Teleportation. Cool.)

So everyone's unhappy. Bayard is arrested. Arthur carries Merlin to the physician's chambers, and Gwen brings the empty cup. Nimueh gets out of there. After a bit Gaius announces there is an antidote, but to make it he needs the Morteaus flower, which was also the poison. (It has the word for death in it! Mort! Clever.) Arthur volunteers to risk his life to go to some cave and fight a monster and get it. Gwen uselessly dabs at Merlin's face. Merlin moans and gasps.

Uther is against Arty's plan, for a very obvious reason: What's the point of saving his life if he immediately throws it away? Arthur says he won't fail, but Uther doesn't care. Arthur says he can't watch Merlin die slowly and painfully (those were Gaius's well-chosen words), and Uther burns him with this rockin' comeback that made me hiss.

I love you, Uther.

And then he says, "You aren't leaving this castle tonight!" Like everyone else, I shouted, "What about first thing in the morning?"

Can we wrap this up?

Arthur goes on his quest anyway, thanks to good advice from Morgana.

Nimueh tricks Arthur into trusting her. It wasn't hard. She just showed up and played the damsel in distress with good directions, and he didn't question the beautiful woman. Prat. She whispers a spell when he's two feet from the flower, on a ledge. And then he ends up clinging with his hands to a tiny lip of a cliff. In full armor.

And then we get SPIDERS. Giant spiders, naturally.

Poor Arty has a fear of those critters after this, because there are like millions that want to converge on him as soon as Nimueh walks away. But Merlin, who is muttering Arthur's name in his sleep and tossing and turning, covered in sweat, manages to do magic in his sleep and sends a light to show Arty the way out of the cave. He also, like an idiot, implores Arthur to leave the flower. (I wouldn't do that. I mean, come on. It's right there… It would stink to leave after all that!)

I hate this scene. One, this should be something that tells Arthur that magic isn't all bad. But noooo… he thinks about that for a while. Within a few episodes, he forgets this. Darn. Also, this is the scene that every single reviewer who cries "OOC!" will reference when trying to tell you that you make Merlin too weak.

If you haven't gotten one of those reviews yet, just wait. It's true.

Gaius figures out who Nimueh was and tells Uther that Bayard is innocent. Uther is not pleased.

Arthur gets the flower and returns home victorious, but is immediately arrested. Worse, no one will bring Gaius the flower! Uther actually crushes it… but we'll get to that in his memo. Gwen sneaks into the dungeon and gets the flower from Arthur in a scene that took me three watchings to get. (Not because I was distracted by Arthur's adorable pout, either, really.) Arthur is actually just trying to sneak Gwen the flower while acting the prat. I think the reason that I didn't get it was because I didn't know Arthur still had the flower… Pop squished in into the ground of the dungeon, remember?

Gwen brings the flower. Gaius sends her away and then uses magic to make the antidote. He does not look as cute using magic as Merlin does. I'm sorry, it's true. They give it to Merlin.

There is another ridiculously suspenseful scene where Merlin is "dead". Yeah, that would have scared me a lot more if the show wasn't, you know, named after him. He can't die in the first season! Merlin wakes up with one of the best lines ever.

Gwen kisses him in relief and excitement. That would be sweeter if the next episode wasn't entitled "Lancelot".

Arthur shares his experience, and Uther cements my love in a scene that no one else ever pays any attention to. He tells Arty that he did the right thing, even if he was disobeying his father, and that Uther is very proud of Arthur. "Never forget that."

I love you, Uther, but it would be cuter if you figured this out before you tried to murder Merlin by withholding the antidote. I have a theory about that, though, that I will share in a moment.

The episode ends with bromance. Arthur stops by to check on Merlin and they tease and thank each other. Merlin then thanks Gaius after Arthur leaves, and they discuss how Nimueh must know about Merlin's powers.

Well, darn.

Finally. Memos.

* * *

ONE

_Best line:_ "Sounds like fun."

No, seriously, what happened to your anti-magic graffiti-ing friends? They disappear after episode one… Did Merlin "take care" of them? He seems to do that a lot. Or maybe you outgrew them.

Whatever. You are the total conquering hero of DOOM in this episode! You get to hang from ledges and say lines like, "Finish me off!" and pretend like you're not worried about the person who is about to willingly drink poison! You also get that awesome scene that I didn't get… the one with Gwen.

I also totally loved how you would risk your life to return a favor. Watch that, actually; Morgause might take advantage of it next season!

I have no yelling to do this memo.

(I saw your mouth drop.)

Love,

Kitty O

* * *

TWO

_Best line, when told that Arthur can't stand by and watch Merlin die:_ "Then don't look!" _Also:_ "You have to learn that there is a right way and a wrong way of doing things."

Okay, about that last line… Seriously? Indirectly killing someone that you could save no sweat in two minutes… THAT'S THE RIGHT WAY OF DOING THINGS? I really think there are times when you, sir, are more of a plot device than anything. Especially in the first season. I mean, did it ever occur to you that this is Gaius's ward? Isn't Gaius, like, your BFF? Because if I did that to my best friend's ward… Well, she would not be happy. And she's scarier than Gaius any day.

This episode was one of the ones that made me one of your few hard-and-fast fans. You are so ridiculously stubborn that it made me smile.

I think I've figured you out. You think Merlin is one of Cenred's spies, don't you? Don't you? You just can't say it aloud because everyone is always accusing you of being paranoid. Instead, you spend your time trying to get Merlin killed when things like this happen. You figure that'll fix everything. You also keep trying to get Arthur to fire Merlin, but he won't listen. So you hired Geoffrey to keep an eye on them and keep Arthur safe. (Little do you know that Geoffrey is withholding information from you! HAHA!)

I hate to say it, dear.

You're paranoid.

Sincerely,

Kitty O.

* * *

THREE

_Best line: (feeling Merlin's face) _"He's getting hotter!"

Actually, this memo is just so that I can giggle at that line. You did very little this episode. Dabbed at Merlin's forehead. Snuck into the dungeons. Hugged Gaius. Maybe cried a little…

And that's all…

Hey, shouldn't you be with your daddy? His episodes are ticking away…

Truly Yours,

Merlin's GF

* * *

FOUR

_Best line:_ "That's disgusting! You should be ashamed of yourselves! You're old enough to be her grandfather!"

No rest for the weary, I guess? It's one life-or-death situation after another around here!

I know you're wondering what the heck I can possibly have to berate you about, as you were dying the whole episode anyway.

I have just a few things to say.

One, does poisoning really hurt that badly? I've never been poisoned, you see, but it looks nasty.

Two, you are just a little adorable when you are running a high fever and very sick. Is that wrong of me to say so?

Three, (and this one is to your actor) did you crack up hysterically while saying these lines? They were obviously written by a dirty-minded seventh grader (the sickest grade there is—no offense to seventh graders! I, personally, was a very nice seventh grader…). Seriously, you co-stars stood off to the side and giggled, right? Because I don't think _I _could've done that with a straight face. And I _don't_ have a dirty mind!

Four, "Leave the flowers." REALLY? LEAVE THE FLOWERS? We spent this entire episode searching for those flowers, praying he would get the flowers! And… you want to tell him to save himself when he's two feet away? The giant spiders can wait! Selflessness is one thing, but I think I give up on you! (Jk, still love ya.)

With Much Loves and Hugs,

Now Who Else Writes You a Memo Every Episode?

* * *

FIVE

_Best line:_ "Sometimes you have to do what you think is right, and [hang] the consequences!"

…Where was that spirit in the end of season 2?

After all, what kind of queen would Camelot want? One who kills people who won't listen, or one who does what her father tells her to?

Think about it,

Kitty

* * *

SIX

Sure, go ahead. Have your fun. Poison. Punch. Pelt with Fruit. Look evilly into the camera. You cause chaos and hurt my favorite characters to your heart's content.

I can wait… Because you, witch, have about eight more episodes before you go BOOM.

Pwned.

~ :) ~

* * *

By the way, I published a crack oneshot called "Arthur, I'm a Warlock". I know, I'm advertising myself AGAIN, but this one was very popular, so I thought I'd throw that out there. I'll stop now. But I like reviews. As a very wise person once said: "Reviews! OmnomNOM!"

No, wait; that might have been me…


	37. Memos s1e5

Please don't throw anything at me!

I know, it's been forever since I updated. Not my fault.

Okay, a little my fault… But hey, between my problems with my wrists and the finals that came up, I really couldn't—you don't care, do you? *sees stony faces* You just want me to update, despite my problems, don't you?

You people are mean.

Anyway….

_**500 REVIEWS! THAT'S A HALF THOUSAND! PERCABETH49, YOU ROCK!**_

* * *

**ANSWERS  
**

ONE. Arthur. By the way, in my profile, who all voted for "Because Arthur's a prat"?

TWO. Uther. Since I went on and on about him last chapter, I will not pay much attention to him now. Really, I probably won't have much to say about him again until near the end. When he kills Gwen's dad and grabs Morgana by the neck, and… yeah. That's when everyone really began hating his guts, I think.

THREE. Gwen. By the way, also found on my profile… I found a Dark!Gwen YouTube video, and it's amazing. The link's on my profile; if you like Dark! Characters, you should check it out. It's awesome.

FOUR. Merlin, who is mine. Yes, mine. No one else can have him. *hugs to self protectively*

FIVE. Morgana. How I hate her.

SIX. Nimueh. COUNTDOWN UNTIL SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION: (not including this one) 8 episodes.

* * *

**RUNDOWN OF "LANCELOT:"**

Remember how, last episode, I went on about how much I loved Uther? This episode, I'll go on about how much I hate Lancelot. And want him to fall off a cliff. And die. (The sap.)

Yes, I know he hasn't done anything wrong yet. But I don't care. He needs to stop running away and confusing Gwen and fooling Merlin into liking him—it's all an act! Really, Lance is a recreant knight. *growls* Yes, that's in the same world as all my conspiracies, where Leon is a bad guy, Merlin is a spy and Uther knows, and Arthur is a creeper (uh, we might need to save that explanation for later).

Actually, if I didn't know about the legend, then I might like Lancelot. Well enough. I mean, he is a BIT sappy, and in the second season he just runs out on Gwen… But if I didn't know that yet…

I'll try to keep this explanation short…

Merlin is picking herbs.

Merlin is attacked by a griffin. Because he's an idiot, he just lets it attack him and closes his eyes while lying on the ground with it about to eat him. He doesn't even TRY magic.

Lancelot jumps up out of nowhere and fights the monster for like two seconds before his sword snaps and he and Merlin run.

They get away, but Lancelot is injured (when? The thing never touched him!) and passes out. Somehow Merlin (yes, the scrawny one) gets him back to Camelot and Gaius says he'll be fine. Merlin feels like he owes Lancelot something.

Lancelot wants to be a knight more than anything in the world, so Merlin asks Arthur. (And when Merlin offers this, Fangirl!Lancelot is all "YOU KNOW ARTHUR?")

(Merlin says that he's seen Lancelot fight, that they'll love him, and that he could shame the Great Arthur himself. More on that in Merlin's memo…)

Arthur is in need of knights, but only nobility can be knights.

_Nobility_ makes me personally think of the Latin word _nobis, _meaning "to/for us." Just saying.

Lancelot is all depressed, but Merlin is determined and rules-optional, a bad combination.

Can you see where this is going? I'll tell you: a forgery of a seal of nobility. *rolls eyes* Not one of Merlin's better plans. I still can't believe he talked the "noble" (as in the adjective, not the station) Lance into this! Don't they know anything? Lies ALWAYS backfire. ALWAYS. I hate shows/movies where the plot is all based off of the main character's lie. People shouldn't lie. Period. That's why there is so much distrust in the world. That's why people get backstabbed. THAT'S WHY THEY SAY IT'S THEIR LAST PIECE OF GUM BUT IT ISN'T.

Lance agrees to Merlin's plan.

I hate Lancelot. Don't make me watch anymore. Can I quit? LET ME DIE.

Quickly, I can feel a heart attack coming on. Well, Gwen measures Lancelot for his armor, and there is a spark between Lance and Gwen, and I want to kill them both. Later, Lancelot asks Merlin if he and Gwen are… well, he knows. And Merlin's like, "Oh, no!" And I'm like, "He just kissed her passionately last episode is all!"

Arthur tests Lancelot by making fun of him, making him do menial chores and all.

I love Arthur.

Later Arthur approaches Lancelot and tells him he wants to fight, so they do and Lancelot makes basic training. But that griffin thing is causing problems and can't seem to be defeated, but it keeps eating people and attacking, so Arthur moves up the knight-test because he really needs Lancelot.

Lancelot makes it! He pretends to be knocked out and then grabs Arthur's ankle and knocks him down. Arthur looks really mad, but Merlin is totally unconcerned as Arthur points his sword at Lancelot's chest… And decides to knight him.

Uther is not as stupid as he looks, though, and has never heard of Lancelot, so he goes and has Geoffrey check it. The librarian, who pwns all, figures it out, but conveniently forgets to mention that Merlin was also seen sneaking around the same book where the forgery came from. So, anyway, the day after being knighted (Uther had to wait until AFTER to look this up), Lancelot is arrested. Merlin feels guilty.

That'll teach you to lie, Merlin, dear.

Arthur wants Lancelot to be forgiven, but Uther says, "How can you trust a man that lied to you?"

*Kitty O looks at Merlin*

Arthur lets Lancelot out without telling his father, but he's all mad because he thinks that he should've known: "You don't sound like a knight; you don't even_ look_ like a knight!" Lancelot says he's sorry, looking like he's two inches tall. "I'm sorry too… Because, Lancelot, you _fight_ like a knight."

Can I say something? You know how when Merlin gets upset or angry or cries, you just want to hug him tightly? Well, when Arthur gets upset or angry (I think he cries once), you just want to sit back and breathe, "My word; _that_ was manly!" I mean, I'm Team Merlin, but when Arthur acts humble and Bradley James opens his eyes really wide like that, I just really think what he's mad at should explode. Because that is a very, very manly piece of acting right there. I love NonPrat!Arthur.

Uh, where was I? So Lancelot still wants to help, so he goes to Gwen for… I don't know, a weapon? A horse? I wasn't paying attention. I was covering my ears screaming "I CAN'T SEE THE GWENCELOT!" Gwen finds the way he wants to serve as a noble knight quite attractive. She finds the nobility attractive. You know, that knightly spirit that would never steal his friend's wife?

I hate Lancelot.

Merlin is learning a spell to defeat the griffin, because between Lancelot's sword, later Arthur's spear, and the information in Gaius's book, we know it can't be defeated normally. Of course he can't get it until the last minute, because that would detract from the suspense. (And by the way, Merlin has a bit of a hissy fit when Gaius suggests he save Arthur by killing the griffin with magic more powerful than he's ever tried.)

But Lancelot and Merlin ride off in the direction of the terrified screams (not exaggerating!) and find all the men either dead or unconscious, including Arthur, but the griffin still there. Merlin casts the enchantment on Lancelot's spear, but forgets that Lancelot isn't as blind or dumb as Arthur, because he honestly thinks Lance didn't notice blue flames sprouting in front of him and the griffin catching on fire as soon as he hit it.

Merlin, you're an idiot.

So Arthur wakes up and sees what Lancelot did. And he's all like, "You did it!" And Lancelot's like, "Yeah, I did."

When they get home, Gaius's is all like, "You did it!" And Merlin agrees, "Yeah, I did."

When Arthur returns, Uther is all like, "You did it!" And Arthur's all, "No, I didn't."

Way to ruin the pattern.

So Arthur, who isn't so much of a prat now and is pretty manly, thinks the rules are wrong and wants Lancelot to be a knight again because he deserves it. But Lancelot knows that Merlin really did it with magic (and announced it so loud to Merlin that the guard behind him now DEFINETELY knows Merlin's secret; stinks for the warlock…) and so he doesn't want to be made a knight and cause problems between the king and prince. He says that he wants to prove to himself that he deserves to be a knight one day.

He leaves as Gwen watches from a window.

Next time we hear from him, he's fighting to the death to entertain a disgusting bandit because he has no other skills.

How noble…

I apologize to Lancelot fans. But come on, he destroys Camelot by cheating on his best friend! That isn't cool! Hopefully it never happens in the show…

MEMOS

* * *

ONE.

Best line: *the expression on his face when told that his book on genealogy was a page-turner*

Hello. I know you only were there for like five seconds, but I have to wonder…

So, Merlin shows up and suspiciously looks at a book for suspicious reasons. Days later, his suspicious little friend is proven to have a forgery with information out of the same book. Suspicous, eh? So why didn't you say anything? You could've gotten Merlin arrested.

You just like Merlin, that it?

Or maybe you, like Uther, think he's a spy? But you secretly work for the bad guys? AH-HA!

Or maybe… Maybe you KNOW HIS SECRET?

*raises eyebrows*

Suspiciously,

Kitty O

* * *

TWO.

_Best line_: "First [before you sweep], I want you to kill me. C'mon. Don't pretend you don't want to… I know I'd want to."

I'd want to, too. But I would be smart enough to see past the humiliation tactics you were using and know you were just seeing how far I could be pushed and act humble about it. (I would fail.)

I really enjoyed your actor's acting in this episode. It was fun seeing you fight griffins and taunt men that you were testing for knighthood. You called yourself an Ultimate Killing Machine again. It's really funny to watch.

You are beginning to question tradition! YAY! "Then the rules are wrong!" LET ME KISS YOU. Yes, you hate me, but that doesn't matter. Pucker up, you wonderful maturing knight!

(Aw, look at you. You're willing to do your servant favors? Who has a little friend? Your possibly first REAL friend?)

Hey, wait. Why can you release men from the dungeons without asking daddy in this episode, but you can never release Gwen, Merlin, or Gaius? Is it because lying is not as big an offense as healing your father from dying with magic? (Did you feel the sarcasm?)

Love (No, really, I DO like you!)

~Kitty O :)

* * *

THREE

_Best line: (When asked which she would choose if she had to, Arthur or Lancelot):_ "Ah, but I don't have to and I never will!"

*looks at line above*

Now that's just wrong.

That's just too ironic. It's MEAN, that's what it is.

*dies*

So you're attracted to his noble nature, are you?

~Kitty O of Awesomeness, PBO

* * *

FOUR

Best line: "I'd give my life for you without a thought."

Was that foreshadowing of s1e13?

Hey, sorry Uther doesn't believe it's magic! Isn't it weird how he'll only believe magic is responsible if it isn't? Well, don't blame him. He can't help it if he's part-plot-device.

He shouldn't doubt your all-knowing textbooks of DOOM, eh?

Sincerely,

Kitty

* * *

FIVE

_Best line:_ "We're not breaking the rules, we're just bending them!"

No, you are, in fact, breaking them. That never ends well, but you, stupid, have to learn everything the hard way! Argh. I hate that.

A few points.

It's kind of nice that, despite how much of a prat you think Arthur is, you still look really proud of him when he does something well. And you called him the "great" Arthur. (That's weird.)

Also, what did you mean in the beginning when you said that you'd seen Lancelot in action? No, you hadn't! You just saw him swing a sword TWICE… And then break it. Really? Really?

So, how does it feel to be told again that your destiny was intertwined with someone's? (Gaius said it about Lancelot this time.) Are you ready to jump out of a window every time you hear the word _destiny_ yet? Because I think I am.

Last thing. Actually, the first code is very fair. Maybe it's out of date now, and Uther should let more men in to be knights. But at the time, Uther had to be very careful and make sure he knew all the men, and that they were loyal. Plus, educated, trained nobility are probably (usually) better fighters. What do you mean "It's not fair"? It's fair enough. Plus, you are a commoner in the middle ages. Is anything fair towards your lot?

With My Love,

Kitty O of Awesomeness.

* * *

_Please review. It's a long chapter again, so excuse me if I made grammar mistakes. Now, back to studying for a final…_

_I'll post "A Remedy to Cure All Ills" when I can! Yay, more fangirling! _

***Cocks guns and puts to Merlin's head* All right, review, or my boyfriend here gets it! **


	38. Memos s1e6

*Sigh* So, I had to put the gun up. Yeah. Well, Merlin gave me this LOOK with those big blue eyes and it was all I could do not to dissolve in guilty tears… But thanks for the reviews anyway.

So, keep reading and reviewing, I'm back.

* * *

**ANSWERS**

ONE. Geoffrey. You know, in the episode coming up, he actually gets lines. He pops up from time to time throughout the show, and he's actually based off a real person—Geoffrey of Monmouth.

TWO. Arthur. You know, for fun, Arthur's lines should be repeated in a funny accent. If you're American, I suggest a country accent if you're any good at it. I don't say this just because there is a family member hanging over my shoulder at this exact moment and reading what I'm typing in a VERY BAD COUNTRY ACCENT. (Heehee. Yes, random family member. GO AWAY. You don't need to proofread this.) If you aren't American… try your equivalent.

THREE. Gwen. Gwen actually is nice in this episode. Really. She doesn't kiss ANYBODY. I feel like she's finally settling down and getting ready to be Arthur's faithful Gwen. Well… That's my vain hope.

FOUR. Gaius. Cool old guy xD In this episode, he's completely legit. He goes and talks to the dragon… Strangely enough, the dragon doesn't really speak in riddles to Gaius. He just insults him. This is preferable, honestly.

FIVE. Merlin. He's getting closer and closer to the killer-with-a-reason that we know and love in season 3, when he's killing bad guys left and right. In this episode, he axes a guy. And doesn't even feel bad about it. Is 'axes' even a verb? I kind of like it.

* * *

**RUNDOWN OF "A REMEDY TO CURE ALL ILLS:"**

I actually like this episode. I'm not really sure why. Maybe I miss the good Morgana. Maybe I just think Merlin's adorable (until he axes the guy, which is a little… um…). Maybe it's because… I don't know, okay? All I know is, I really feel for Gaius. And kind of want to slap Uther for being an idiot. But I don't guess he can help that. Maybe it's because Edwin's scars are cool-looking, without being terrifying to a point where you don't even want to look at the screen. I'm grateful that the TV people didn't over do it, as TV people are prone to do.

The episode begins with a guy doing creepy magic stuff to a bunch of beetles and flowers. It's a nice change from Nimueh doing creepy magic stuff to a bunch of poisons and cups and bowls of water.

I'm going to make only one complaint, right now, and I won't pick at the plot the rest of the episode.

Why does Edwin, the creepy guy, send these flowers to Morgana? The flowers have a beetle in them, which comes alive and CRAWLS INTO HER EAR (I nearly screamed) while she was sleeping. It eats at her brain, which is disgusting, and puts her into a coma, which sends Arthur and Uther into a tizzy. Edwin's plan is to heal her when Gaius couldn't, say Gaius misdiagnosed, and undermine the physician to a point where he's fired. Then Edwin takes his place, gets close to the king, and BOOM! Dead Uther. Dead Uther by beetle in the ear.

Here's my question: Why Morgana? I know it's easy to send her flowers, but why not just send something to Uther with a beetle in it. "He wanted to hear Uther's screams as the bug devoured his soul" is not an acceptable answer, either. Neither is "he's dramatic," because that goes without saying.

No, I lied. I have another question: HOW DOES A BUG DEVOUR YOUR SOUL? Seriously, I'm sleeping with earplugs in from now on, after viewing this episode… *shudders*

Okay, back to the episode, which I kind of ruined already.

Morgana's sick, okay, and this scarred guy shows up and tells Arthur that he has a remedy to cure all ills. Or, in other words, a panacea. That was a vocab word in English this year. Arthur ignores him until Gaius informs the king that though he thinks it's a inflammation of the brain, he can't cure her, and she has hours left. I wish she had died and saved us all from s3 Morgana. But Arthur, who's desperate, asks Edwin's help. Edwin cures Morgana, surprise, surprise. In doing so, he manages to point out (without saying it) that left to Gaius's care, Morgana would be dead. It's true, but of course he didn't mention that he, Edwin, hurt her in the first place. He calls it a "cerebral hemorrhage" and claims he found blood in her ear. (Too bad Gwen witnessed him putting it there.) And Uther looks at Gaius and is all, "How did you miss that?"

Naturally, he didn't miss it, you idiot. You leave Edwin alone in a room with sleeping Morgana and then just take his word for everything? You've known the man for all of ten minutes. You are so stupid, Uther!

Edwin spends the most of his time in Camelot sucking up to Uther and undermining Gaius, as I think I already said. My favorite part is when he claims Gaius is getting old.

Meanwhile, Edwin learns that Merlin has magic when he (Merlin, that is) discovers the little soul-eating beetles frozen in place and uses magic to make them come alive. Edwin claims that he used them to heal Morgana, and Merlin is not at all suspicious because Merlin hasn't yet learned that magic user + in Camelot + proximity to Uther/Arthur/Morgana/Merlin = nefarious intentions. Never fails.

Gaius, at the same time, talks Geoffrey into letting him see the records from before the Purge, and discovers that Edwin is a little boy who tried to save his parents from the flames of the Purge and ended up getting badly burned on his face. Gaius tries to approach Edwin with his knowledge and threatens to tell Uther. Predicatably, this doesn't go over well:

EDWIN: Shall we tell him then? Alright, let's tell him. Let's tell him everything. Oh! We could tell him… about Merlin.

GAIUS: You would betray another sorcerer?

ME: Isn't that what you did during the Great Purge?

EDWIN: You did.

ME: Called it!

So, it's like this: Gaius can warn the king of aforementioned nefarious intentions, and Edwin will tell the king that Merlin has magic. Gaius can keep his mouth shut and turn a blind eye, and magic returns to Camelot a little quicker than we think. And Arthur learns a valuable lesson about who you should and shouldn't trust.

Cue Gaius's angst over whether he could betray the king to save Merlin. I vote he does it. Especially considering that two minutes later, Uther fires him. And next season, there's the Witchfinder episode, in which I actually pity Uther because his mouth starts shaking when he's sentencing Gaius to death. Yeah, I know, I'm pathetic and I make excuses for the man.

Gaius sees Merlin looking so innocent when he's asleep and talks to the dragon (who is less than helpful), and eventually decides he's leaving town. Gwen guilts him by stopping him on his way out of town and insisting that he stop Edwin somehow, declaring that she knows "He's evil."

To Gwen, putting blood in someone's ear = evil. I worry about that girl. If that was evil, then what is using curse words? Holy cow, don't cuss anyone out or you're doomed.

I know I'm being perfectly ridiculous now. Just go with it and let's finish up the episode quickly.

Edwin gives Uther a medicine that paralyzes him, and then he just creepily appears in the king's room, giving his bad guy speech. He puts the little bug by Uther's head, describing how it's going to eat his brain and make him suffer—before he dies, naturally. It's really scary that Edwin's expression barely changes while he says this. (I would also like to point out that unlike Merlin, Gaius, Morgana, Morgause, etc., Edwin's eyes do not glow when he uses magic.) My favorite line has to be this one: "I long to hear you scream as they screamed," referring to his parents. Meanwhile Uther's having a panic attack, breathing really hard with eyes the size of saucers. (And if you tell me you didn't pity him at all then, you lie. Or maybe you are very cold-hearted.)

Well, that's all a little… scary. It also brings up an interesting question. How can he scream if he's completely paralyzed? Oh, wait, no more picking at the show.

Little does Edwin know that Arthur often stops by to check on his father after he's gone to sleep! Or at least that's what I assume. Because within minutes, Arthur is screaming for Edwin (who left the room; obviously he got tired of waiting for a paralyzed man to scream) to come because his father has Morgana's sickness. (Okay, I know I promised I wouldn't pick on them. I lied. Even though, as I said last chapter, lying is bad.) Merlin rushes to Edwin's room and is met by a sight that surprises him, but we're not all that shocked.

See, Gaius felt guilty and came back to save Uther. But all that gets him is thrown against a wall… and then with a ring of fire around him, about to burn him to a piece of charcoal. And then Merlin rushes in the room.

MERLIN: _What are you doing? _

He's rather slow, our Merlin.

Edwin tries to make Merlin join his side, but Merlin's not all that tempted. And Gaius is still looking rather alarmed at the flames about to eat him. Merlin orders Edwin to turn off the fire, but… Well, do YOU think he does it?

Edwin sends an axe flying at Merlin, who ducks, stops it in midair, and sends it right back. Either he slowed down time again, making it too quick for Edwin to see, or Edwin just hasn't quite grasped the part of fighting where you AVOID being stabbed, because… well, Edwin bites the dust, and the flames around Gaius die.

Merlin is completely unconcerned that he just threw an axe into a man's chest. I would be freaking out, and probably throwing up. I think our warlock is getting used to this; after all, he wasn't too worried about Mary Collins either. He and Gaius figure out the little bugs, and Gaius says that they can be enchanted to eat into a person's brain until they eat the person's soul.

Yes, you read that right.

Bugs. That eat your soul.

Through your brain.

_**WHAT! **_

I think the above WHAT expresses my disgust and skepticism. As well as the squeamish female in me who can't stand the thought of a bug in my ear. (Though once I got a bug stuck in my eye. I couldn't see and there were tears running down my face… and my cue was in two minutes. It was opening night. I kid you not.)

So, even through Uther's a jerk sometimes who would have Merlin killed for even thinking about using magic on him, Merlin saves Uther. He uses a spell to get the bug out of the now Unconcious!Uther's ear. And one has to wonder how Edwin expected him to suffer if he was out for the count, though I guess you might be in pain while unconscious. I've only been knocked out once, but I remember wishing I was still out cold when I woke up; I had a headache like my head was in the _Star Wars_ trash place with the moving walls—you know, in the 4th episode? All I have to say is this: wardrobes, tile floors, and mirrors should NOT have a young girl's head sandwiched between them.

I digress.

So, Edwin's dead. Uther's awake and Gaius is considered the hero. He gets some kind of an award; apparently he becomes a "Freeman" of Camelot… Any idea what that means? Oh, and as always, the only person who knows what Merlin did is Gaius.

That's the episode!

* * *

**MEMOS**

ONE

_Best line:_ "To dine with Your Majesty would be a reward in itself."

To quote Merlin: "Creep."

Also, to translate your line into Basic Villain, which I happen to be fluent in (I'm semi-evil): "I wish I could push Your Majesty into a vat of alligators and watch them eat you."

Despite the fact that your scars are cool, you are a weirdo. A complete nut. And really, you irked me when you threatened to get Merlin burned. Because no one is allowed to burn Merlin. That's inhuman. More than that, it's MEAN. What did he ever do to you? Plus, he's just so cute.

Though, I suppose, as bad guys go, you aren't the worst. You didn't laugh evilly. You didn't cackle or sneer. You did wear a cloak that covered your face, but I feel you can be forgiven than that.

You know, I really need to stop writing memos to dead people…

Sincerely,

Kitty O

* * *

TWO

_Best line:_ "Then turn a blind eye. That is, after all, your talent."

_That._ Was. Cold. Deserved, but cold nonetheless. You were so unhelpful here… I mean, really, do you ever say what the characters couldn't figure out on their own?

It's all: "Well, this one guy is going to be killed, and that will bring about destiny a little early. It will save this other guy, though. Oh, you want to know if destiny is ready to come about? Well, that's your decision, isn't it? I can't make it for you."

What are you, my school therapist?

With Annoyance,

The One WITHOUT a Destiny, Thank You Very Much

* * *

THREE

Best line: "I was not right to betray you. From now on I will remember that in the war against magic, you are the only person I can trust."

I've promised not to go on about how I love you but want to kill you, so I will just appreciate the irony of the fact that he's hiding a sorcerer from you. And that you got saved by someone you consider an evil adversary… Or you would, if you knew his secret. Oh, and that this isn't the last betrayal you'll find yourself facing in the rest of this show. And, of course, you'll be the betrayer some of the time. I don't think I can forgive you for the Witchfinder episode.

By the way, I'm worried about your son. I don't think you pay enough attention to him. You may need to give him a hug.

Love,

Kitty

* * *

FOUR

_Best line (while pacing and after being told that he's making Arthur anxious_): "But I'm not worried!"

Okay, you didn't have very many good lines this episode. Give me a break.

I miss back when you used to trust people. And back when you could want to save Morgana without having to stop and weigh the fact that you're defying destiny.

There's one thing Edwin said that I agree with. It really is a shame you don't get to enjoy your powers more. You're too busy saving the world. Why is it that every talent seems to turn into a "You can only use it in emergencies, and using it for enjoyment is wrong" scenario? (I'm thinking of Spiderman, though you don't know how that is in the Middle Ages.) Can't you enjoy it, if you're careful? And you aren't doing anything bad? And you're prudent about it?

According to Gaius and the Dragon, no.

Eh, with great power comes great responsibility. (I do not own that line.)

Also, no, you are right. Science can't explain love. Tell that to scientists, though; I don't think they believe you, because scientists are programmed to take every "You can't possibly explain this" as a challenge. And then they just may take centuries trying to prove you wrong.

Love,

Your Kit-Kat Bar (Been a while since I used that one)

* * *

_Okay, that's all for today! Quick update, huh? Alright, Kitty O, signing off. See you again soon. _


	39. Story of My LIFE

I am working on the next memos, and hope to have them up tomorrow. I just really don't like this episode, so it's taking a while.

This is a random one shot that's very random... It's called Story of my Life and is basically the very random thoughts of characters to you. It's hard to explain. Just read.

* * *

**Uther**

You know that awkward moment where you realize that the person you accused of being evil and had brutally treated/questioned is actually one of the people who is the most loyal/obedient to you?

Yeah, that happens to me a lot.

**Arthur**

Wait, what? What happened? What's that you say? There's a plot? Someone's saving my life? I've forgotten to put my shirt on again? I can't see anything! I haven't noticed a thing.

I think I need glasses.

**Merlin**

Why did some random person just come up to me, wrap me in a blanket, feed me soup, and declare me 'adorable'? Why does this always happen when I start crying?

**Gwen**

Is it just me, or is Merlin way more excited about Arthur and I being together then we are? And is my neckline too low on this dress? Because boys are staring at me again…

**Morgana**

Smirk. Argh, there I go again. *Smirk* Must stop smirking. Can't smirk. Uther's looking. He'll see. Arthur's looking. Merlin's glaring. Okay, Operation "Stop Being Obvious" is a go.

…

_SMIRK._

BLAST IT!

**Gaius**

Somebody is challenging me. They think that I am not the coolest old person in Camelot? Ah. Wait until I unleash upon them the mighty power of the eyebrow.

**Dragon**

Heehee… Slash. Tears. Merlin is angsting again. I've just roasted some loyal knights. Life is good.

**Morgana **

Why does Arthur's crooked smile, Gwen's wistful one, and Merlin's goofy one make sunshine start coming through the windows, but I look prettiest when I'm not smiling?

This is not fair. They are obviously trying to exclude me. They don't love me. I MUST KILL THEM ALL BECAUSE I AM SELFISH.

**Uther**

…Nobody likes me…

**Merlin**

Nobody in this show mentions my neckerchief. Why do none of them mention the neckerchief, even to make fun of it? Why? It's cool. My poor neckerchief…

**Gaius**

Oops. My eyebrow turned the person into a gibbering pile of hysteria again. I'd better hide them before someone notices I'm really a superhero.

**Arthur**

Why is it that every time I take my shirt off, the word "objectification" flits across my mind? What does it even mean?

**Dragon**

Why do I have to obey my dragonlord but my dragonlord doesn't have to obey me? Is he the leader and I the follower in this relationship…?

No fair. I'm bigger than he is.

**Gwen**

Do I pick flowers because in my lonely mind flowers make up for the love that was taken from me when my mother/father died and my brother left, because when I give people flowers they smile at me? If so, is this a problem I should see a specialist about? Why don't we have any specialists in the Middle Ages?

* * *

I'm sorry, I know that was really random and didn't make much sense, but I felt that I had to get all my randomness out of my system. It was building up. I'll try to update tomorrow!


	40. s1e7

I'm back! Told you I would be :) Okay, so… episode memos. Before I begin with the normal stuff, let me just say this: I'll try to keep this one under 2,500 words. Usually I have to work to keep my chapters long, but with this I keep trying to shorten them! Can't help it. So much fun to go over the episode and share my thoughts with everyone! (By the way, there are no memos this week. The summary ended up way too long and I didn't have time. So feel free to read, please do. But if you only read for the memos, don't bother this chapter. Next time.)

* * *

**ANSWERS**

ONE. Edwin, the expendable villain of the week. You know, I think I once read a story with him as a big character… It was an Edwin/Morgana story. Yeah. Let that sink in.

TWO. That stinkin', annoying slash dragon. You know, I hate to think I'm offending any dragon fans when I dig into him. I mean, I pick on the rest of the cast too, but that's fondly. I honestly, truthfully HATE this dragon. Is there anyone out there who likes him? If so, do you mind telling me why you like him? I don't get it.

THREE. Uther. In the episode here, I think Uther is not very nice to Merlin. But I forgive him because one, I love Uther. And two, I think Uther is extremely underestimated by the rest of the cast in this episode. They make me angry.

FOUR. My man, Merlin. A friend of mine recently told me that she wants to steal him. Hah, I say. HAH. Merlin is MINE! Him and his ears which are made of awesomeness! (Or, as **ShadowsBloodPain** says, "The ears are love.")

* * *

**RUNDOWN OF "THE GATES OF AVALON":**

I am a fan of the show Merlin, right? My fangirlishness is out there for all to see, right? Everyone knows I love this show and most things connected to it, and I want a pocket-sized Merlin.

This episode bugs me. Really. I mean, it's pretty good; the plot makes sense, I don't see many holes in it, and there are some really funny lines in it.

But I can hardly bring myself to watch it. Why? I'm not sure. My friend (ShadowsBloodPain again; I watched this episode with her recently) says it's because Sophia's face makes her angry. In Shadows Speak, this means she doesn't like Sophia—it's probably because she wants to kill Arthur, or because when she's flirting her voice gets really high and breathy. Is Arthur really attracted to that? Ugh. (Not dissing flirting; it's a very interesting art form.) But none of these reasons make me dislike it.

I think it's Uther.

Uther has one pretty stern moment in this episode, and he's outright mean to Merlin. But to Morgana and Arthur, he's actually not a bad guy this episode. He acts like a father. A father who could have you locked up, sure, but a father and a good one. But in this episode, only Gwen thinks he's not such a bad guy. Yeah. _Gwen_. I think that Gaius, Morgana, and Merlin are really giving the guy a bad rap… Come on. I cannot see Uther killing Morgana for something she can't help, not in this episode. In the next one, where he's meaner, maybe. In this one? No. I have a father, and he hates fantasy. Really, really hates fantasy. But he's okay with me writing it, even if it makes him want to throw something to read it. And that's a smaller deal than magic… Actually, you know what? That was a really, really bad example. The point is the idea of Uther executing Morgana in this episode is completely laughable. It bugs me, and not as an Uther fan… It just bugs me.

Now that _that_ is off my chest—onto the episode.

It starts with Arthur drowning. He's unconscious underwater, and there is the face of a woman above him, watching him die. If you really want to ruin the dramatic mood, watch the audio commentary. Really. Bradley James can ruin the dramatic mood of anything, I believe, and Katie would help him (though I don't think she was in this commentary. I don't remember…). He talks about how he was in some kind of tank or something, or the number of times he had to do this scene—not dramatic. And then Morgana wakes up, and you see it was just a dream. Because… well, let me just spoil this in case you managed to miss it: Morgana is a seer. Yes, she has magic. That's why she has nightmares. Wow, I would much rather have Merlin's gift than Morgana's; Merlin hasn't woken up in a panic over a relative dying yet. (But every other horrible thing happens to Merlin, so I'm sure the nightmares are on the way!)

Meanwhile, Merlin and Arthur are hunting. Well… Arthur is hunting. Merlin is ruining the hunt. Arthur yells at him. Merlin looks really innocent and offended. Oh, whatever. Merlin so does this on purpose, you know. There's no way he's that clumsy while hunting but that stealthy while stalking. No way.

Merlin and Arthur hear screaming and, like the Gotta-Be-the-Heroes they are, they run to go… help, I suppose. They see some bandits surrounding an old man and a woman in this really awesome velvety goldish cloak which makes me jealous (I WANT IT!), and of course Arthur rushes forward to help. There are three bandits, and Arthur manages to kill one. Merlin makes a branch fall on another. The third gets scared by the sight of Arthur's blade and runs for the hills. Arthur turns and sees the bandit with the branch on him, and is he suspicious? Does he sneak a look at Merlin? Does he question a perfectly live, healthy branch falling exactly on this guy's head and killing him?

"Well, that was a stroke of luck."

*headdesk*

Merlin calls after the third bandit: "And let _that_… be a lesson to you!" He says this while waving dead rabbits in the air. I love Merlin.

So Arthur and Merlin see that one of the people they saved is a relatively pretty woman. I feel a need to point out relatively because when Arthur sees her, he's gobsmacked. Why? He grew up with Morgana. Morgana is, like, gorgeous. Isn't Katie McGrath voted one of the hottest Irish women or something like that? Arthur grew up with that. And yet he sees this attractive woman and he looks like Merlin hit _him_ with a branch. I don't understand men. I don't understand them. (Sorry, men.) Arthur and Merlin take Sophia and her father (is it Alfrick?) back to Camelot, where they tell Uther they are nobles going to live with family because their home was sacked, and Uther accepts their story and tells them they can stay in Camelot for a while.

Before I forget, both what's-his-name and Sophia carry these staffs with cool blue gems on the end of them. They are so obviously magical that it isn't even funny. Hey, by the way, why doesn't Sophia have a character tag? Why doesn't Tom? Why doesn't Sir Owain? Because Gorlois does. And he's not even in the show.

Arthur is totally smitten with Sophia… While in his room, getting undressed (Because Arthur keeps taking his clothes off in this episode for some reason) he and Merlin have this conversation… I'm putting the whole thing, because it's that great…

A: "Make sure you put her in a decent room."

M: "The one next door is empty."

A: "The one next door is _fine_… Excellent, in fact."

M: *grins silently*

A: "Shut up, Merlin."

M: "What? I didn't say anything!"

A: "You didn't have to. I want to make it clear that my intentions towards Sophia are completely honorable."

-Awkward pause while Arthur considers a few things, which probably include morality and the number of footsteps to next door-

A: "Put her in the room on the other side of the castle. It's warmer. More comfortable."

I find Arthur's gentlemanliness extremely adorable. It makes me grin like a silly… um, something silly. He does that kind of thing again in "Beauty of the Beast" and Merlin gets his turn in "The Lady of the Lake." Anyway, Merlin convinces Arthur that if his intentions are honorable, there's no problem with her staying next door, and Arthur agrees. I'm not really sure who won that, if they were even fighting. But Merlin is doing a very bad job of watching out for Arthur's spiritual welfare. For some reason he finds the thought of Arthur in love with a girl extremely amusing and downright romantic. (Sorry, Merthur shippers. It's just because Merlin is apparently a hopeless romantic, bless him.) He needs to watch out for Arthur better. If you think it's just my personal values talking, it isn't. I'm saying this for Arthur's own good. Because in the legend, Arthur's marriage completely stinks. Mordred? Lancelot? Yeah. Arthur should be careful who he hangs out with.

Anyway, Morgana panics when she sees Sophia and recognizes her from the dream. She tries to tell Gaius that Arthur will get killed, but Gaius brushes her off. He gives her a stronger sleeping draught.

In another scene, the third bandit finally gets a chance to meet his maker… Sophia's dad kills him because he demands more money for attacking them under the old guy's orders. You know what that means? Yeah. Sophia and Sr. are bad guys. SURPRISE!

Arthur convinces Merlin to cover for him while he skips out on patrol to take Sophia for a ride. In this conversation, Arthur uses the following phrases: "It'll blow my chances", "Yeah. What's not to like?", and "Get my father off my back." Doesn't that just sound so medieval? Am I the only person who can NEVER spell medieval? (OOOH Off Tangent Quote: "In a land that is medieval and full of… medium-sized evil, one boy has the power to… be powerful.") To convince Merlin, Arthur says, "I can't order you to lie to the king… but you'll be a friend for life if you do."

HAH! YOU HEARD HIM! You heard it here, folks! Yep, Arthur admitted they were friends. Latch onto that, fans. Listen up, Merlin. He may never say it again. If I were Merlin, I would hold that over him. Forever. And. Ever. We would be 60, and I would still be reminding him that we were friends for life. Really. Why doesn't Merlin ever refer to this conversation? The show makes references to episodes way back all the time (in the season three finale, they bring up s1's "It's rat."). Why don't they ever refer to this? Do they just hate me? That's what it is, isn't it? Knew it.

Morgana and Gwen have a scene discussing the dream, and Gwen thinks Uther should know. Morgana says that Uther hates magic more than he loves her and so she can't tell him. This angers me, like I said. Gwen thinks that Uther wouldn't hurt her, but Morgana is too scared to test the theory. ARGH. People, some people think that Uther's pretty bad, but he has yet to try and kill his own child! (Especially since he promised Gorlois he'd take care of Morgana.) It irritates me. I think if there is one thing Uther learned from Y/Igraine, it was DO NOT GET YOUR FAMILY KILLED; YOU WILL REGRET IT. Honestly!

Also, another note. Morgana basically just said that she had magic. And Gwen took it like it was nothing big, like she knew it all along. What? But… but… Gwen knows about Morgana's magic this early? MORGANA knows about Morgana's magic this early? In that case, she's obviously open-minded. Merlin should tell Gwen his secret now!

Merlin lies to the king to cover for him, taking all the blame for his not being there. Uther says that "If this was a time of war, I would have you flogged." BAD Uther. BAD KINGY. Don't flog Merlin. If you do, you will make me mad. You don't want to see me mad! Or my army of fangirls backing me up on this! Or the guilty!Arthur you'd get if Merlin got flogged. Or angry!Gaius. And I don't believe even you, Uther, are hard hearted enough to be okay with hurt!Merlin. Anyway, since it isn't a war, Uther puts him in the stocks. Cue tomato throwing. By the way, I noticed that in the "I say tomato, you say tomato," choice thingy, Merlin says tomato. (Kidding, I know you are looking at the screen funny. The second sound. With the 'ah'.)

Arthur and Sophia go walking, and she tries to enchant him. But they get interrupted; she nearly gets shot by a guard looking for the bandits. Arthur saves her, and then insists they go back.

Merlin goes and washes fruit out of his hair, telling Gaius how besotted Arthur is. He has this big, goofy grin on his face when he tells Gaius. He loves seeing Arthur get some romance. Oh, Merlin, you ooey-gooey romantic you. Slashers, how can you try to get in the way of that?

Suspicious Gaius goes and checks out the father's staff, but he gets caught looking at it. In a flash of anger, what's-his-name's eyes glow red. (That, for any of you that aren't quite sure, means he is evil and not human. Just throwing that out there in case, you know, you missed it.)

Morgana runs into Sophia and tries to warn her to stay away from Arthur. Sophia accuses her of being jealous and in love with Arthur and of making a fool of herself. "I expect he's turned you down already." *laughs* Whatever. Have you seen s1e1? Arthur's face when she walked in? Like he would turn that down. But… that being said, I return your attention to s3e5. Ewww. The incest.

Sophia is angry that Arthur, someone so "feeble" and human, saved her life. Ungrateful much? What's-his-name tells her about Gaius seeing the staff. She tells him about Morgana. They decide they have to enchant Arthur tomorrow.

Since this is too long, I'll skip a few scenes and jokes and just say what happens.

Arthur gets Merlin to cover for him AGAIN (SAY NO, MERLIN, SAY NO!) and Merlin ends up in the stocks once more. SPLAT! Heehee. This time, Arthur gets enchanted by Sophia on their walk. His eyes start glowing red.

Merlin tells Gaius what happened again. "You would think the appeal of pelting the same person with fruit would wear off after a while." Gaius finally tells Merlin about Sophia being bad and Morgana being a seer.

Sophia sweet talks Arthur a bit, saying they need to get married. The expression of abject adoration on his face is really, really sad. He can't control himself. And she wants to kill him. It's horrible!

Al or whatever goes to a lake and uses magic to talk to blue people called the Sidhe about how he wants Sophia to get a life of immortality by sacrificing a prince. Apparently she was a Sidhe, and so was he, but they got kicked out when he killed another Sidhe, which is a big no-no there. He doesn't know Merlin hears the whole thing, because Merlin is "creeper-ific." Morgana also, somewhere in here, tries to warn Arthur. But he just thinks she has a crush on him…

A: "You can tell me the truth. It's obvious you like me."

Morgana: "Less and less by the second."

Arthur asks the king to let him marry Sophia. When he says they've gotten close, Uther says, "Not too close, I hope." SEE? Uther's looking out for his son's future marriage! Merlin is not. Anyway, when Arthur tells the king they want to marry, Uther laughs. Yes, LAUGHS. Okay, then. He won't let them, and when Arthur tries to defy him, he threatens to have Sophia and Al executed. Can he do that? Is that allowed? I mean, they ARE nobles.

This is not, in case there are any future fathers reading this, an okay way to get your son to respect you. In my (limited) experience, grounding or even spanking works much better. Don't kill people. Really.

Morgana tries to get Uther to take this seriously, but he won't. He asks if something is wrong with Morgana, and asks why she doesn't like Sophia. He looks really, really open to discussion. He's all open looking, like she could tell him anything. I mean, this is the guy they think would kill her for magic? I don't see it. I see him getting scared, worried, confused, panicked, sorry, maybe angry, but I can not see murderous rage in the way he looks at Morgana. I think she could tell him anything.

Okay, here goes:

"Dad… I'm a thespian."

Glad I got that off my chest!

Seriously, though, she chickens out and says she's seen girls like this before. Uther tells her Arthur will move on soon.

Merlin tries to tell Arthur the truth. Arthur yells at him, though, because that is how Arthur deals with stress. That's how Arthur deals with joy. Heck, that is how Arthur deals with LIFE. Just yell at Merlin. Easy. But Merlin doesn't take him personally ("I'm your friend." "No, you're my servant." Cold.) because he doesn't have a chance… Right then Al and daughter appear and convince Arthur to elope. Poor Merlin tries really hard to get Arthur to listen. He even points out the red eyes. But Arthur, though he struggles and insists that something doesn't make sense, is stuck under the spell. Poor Arthur. He's so confused! Merlin makes the mistake of trying to touch a staff, and Al gets annoyed and throws him against a wall. He's out cold.

Thus, they "elope."

Morgana sees them leaving the castle and goes to warn Gaius, saying that she really wants to tell Uther now. Gaius makes her promise to stay put while he finds the person who can help. He goes and finds Merlin and wakes him up. Even staggering, with a headache and probably concussion, Merlin goes to run after Arthur.

Sophia, at the lake, cries when she discovers that her father won't be immortal with her. But I don't care, because behind this heartbreaking scene, Arthur is standing like a zombie, mind controlled. It's like she doesn't realize he's a human being with dignity. Al tells her she can't stop once she starts drowning Arthur, or the Sidhe will take her soul instead of his. (The writers probably thought this would make what happens to her in a second more humane; she's doomed anyway.)

They go into the water (not Al, though) and she kisses Arthur. He passes out and falls into the water. Al chants. Sophia stands there. Arthur drowns.

THE END.

Kidding.

Merlin shows up in the nick of time and grabs Sophia's staff, which she left lying there. He blows up Al. Just like that, with the staff… BOOM! And then Sophia screams for her father. Even though she's unarmed and probably weak as a human and couldn't get in Merlin's way, he blows her up too. Oh well. I guess she WAS drowning Arthur, and he was in a hurry…

Still.

Don't kill people.

Merlin drags Arthur back home apparently all by himself. I bet he used magic… Because he couldn't carry that. No way. Well, when Arthur wakes up, he can hardly believe what he did…

A: "I asked my father something… about her… I asked him… _WHAT WAS I THINKING_?"

Merlin spins a tale of knocking him out with a lump of wood when he eloped (ha-ha, Arthur's face) and then takes the blame – again – in front of Uther. Which is so unfair. Arthur, this is your fault; don't let him do that!

This part was great:

Uther: "Can someone tell me what happened?"

Merlin: "Well..."

Uther: "Someone with a brain."

And then, after Arthur blames Merlin:

Uther: "Have you some kind of mental affliction?"

Merlin: "Probably…"

And back into the stocks he goes!

Morgana tells Gaius that Arthur told her "what really happened".

Morgana: (to Merlin) "You must have hit him round the head pretty hard."

Merlin: (deadpan) "Yeah, I feel really bad about that."

And Merlin suggests to Gaius they tell her about her powers. But Gaius again says that Uther would have her killed.

And again I say, NO HE WOULD NOT! REALLY? HAVE YOU NO TRUST IN YOUR KING!

ARGH!

That's it. I'm doing something different this time. My typing time is officially over, and so, if I don't want the wrist pains to come back, I have to stop now. That means either updating late or leaving off the memos. I've decided, just for this chapter, to leave off memos. This was a very rushed chapter anyway… Could you tell? Oh, well. I won't do this again; memos again next chapter, promise! I hope I made you smile anyway!

(And if you are wondering, no. I did NOT make my word limit. I'm 1,000 words over. Sigh.)


	41. Memos s1e8

**School is starting soon. I want to finish this story before then… and before season 4 of course. By the way, I was planning on starting a whole new story for Season 4 memos… I was thinking "Restrictions and Reprimands", which is what I'll be doing. What do you people think? Should I? Should I even bother with season 4 memos? **

I changed the rating to T. I can now say whatever the heck I want… but it will usually be the same stuff.

* * *

**RUNDOWN OF "THE BEGINNING OF THE END":**

Finally a good episode!

Okay, that's not fair of me. A lot of these episodes are good… But this is the 8th, and I dislike episode 2, 5 (DOWN WITH LANCELOT!), and 7, so I feel like I've been letting y'all down by not caring for the episodes. So I'm excited.

I'm going to go ahead and ruin this now and tell you all the truth. It's time you knew. The boy in this episode is Mordred. Okay? Don't cry; it's true. Just needed to get that out there. I refuse to refer to him as 'the boy' the whole time. I mean, you people have seen the episode. Right? If not, go watch it. I am not a good substitute, though I am flattered you think so.

I'm doing things a bit differently this episode: I am going to quickly (VERY quickly) summarize the episode. And then I will go back over my notes and point out any sarcastic/funny stuff I have written down. This should shorten things up. We hope!

Basically, it starts with a young Druid boy and his guardian stopping by Camelot to pick up supplies, but the person selling them ratted out the Druids to the guards. So the Druids end up running for their lives, and the older one helps the boy (Mordred) get away, even though he gets captured. The boy is injured (by a nasty guard) and bleeding, calling out with his mind and magic for help. And Merlin hears him. And Merlin helps, running with Mordred to Morgana's chambers and asking her to hide him. Gwen says nothing. Morgana agrees and covers for them. The Druid dude, meanwhile, is executed, and Mordred gets all… grieving. (Here I should state that everyone's favorite prat tries to talk his father out of this on the grounds that Druids are peaceful and he was 'just passing through'.) Uther warns everyone not to harbor the boy. Merlin goes back home, and the guards continue searching. Gaius warns Merlin that he'd better not be involved with the escaped Druid boy. The dragon warns Merlin to let the boy die because he is harmful to Merlin's destiny (though this is stupid of the dragon, because isn't he the one who thinks destiny is unavoidable? Well, it's Mordred's destiny…), but Merlin ignores him. The boy doesn't talk (out loud) but his wound is getting infected, and they can't get him out of Camelot until he's well. Morgana is worried. Gwen says nothing. Scared to tell Gaius what he's done, Merlin tries to treat the boy himself.

(Around here, Merlin discovers that he has many names, and the Druids know him by "Emrys." Apparently his mother just THOUGHT she got to name her own son. Silly Hunith!)

Mordred is dying, and so they finally tell Gaius. Merlin just blurts it out, actually, and it's pretty funny. Gaius heals the boy and Morgana, Merlin, and Gwen (who says like five lines this entire episode and couldn't care less that she could be killed for treason thanks to Morgana) plan to sneak him out of Camelot. Morgana does the sneaking, though Merlin offers, via some stolen keys and a secret passage. She gets caught by our lovable prattish idiot, who arrests them both mainly because the guards are watching. Uther is pretty ticked at Morgana (and even grabs her by the throat when she argues with him; how is that for AWESOME parenting skills?) for betraying him, but he lets her off because he promised her "father" he'd protect her. He does want to kill Mordred.

Morgana and Arthur go behind Uther's back and plan to spring Mordred. Merlin gets in on it. Gwen says nothing, so I assume she knows. Gaius gets an inkling. I feel sorry for poor ignorant Uther. Everyone conspiring against him will not help the paranoia.

Here Merlin makes a trip to the dragon and discovers that Mordred will one day kill Arthur. He is not happy. He decides to ignore his important part of the plan (it used to be Morgana's part but she was stuck dining with Uther to give her an alibi for later) and let Arthur and Mordred be caught escaping. But when the time comes, Mordred pleads with him mentally to be saved, and Merlin goes to help them escape. (The plan in a nutshell, by the way: Arthur knocks out guards with gas-like smoke poultice with is just SO medieval looking. Arthur gets Mordred down a tunnel. Merlin uses grappling hook to rip off bars of end of tunnel. Arthur and Mordred = home free!)

Arthur takes Mordred to the Druids (he contacted them and asked them to come, and the idiots just trusted the word of Uther Pendragon's son), and asks for his name. Because up until then they had been calling him the boy. We already knew who he was. At least I did. It was rather obvious right?

"Mordred," says the boy, and smiles creepily.

END! Everyone understand that? Basically the slash-dragon is ignored yet again, Merlin's conscience is saved another day, Morgana conspires against her guardian, Arthur struggles and decides not to be daddy's-boy, Gaius is not obeyed… And anything else ? Oh yeah, Uther comes off as a complete jerk. You'd think I'd be angry at him.

But no, of course you didn't. You know I'm completely obsessed with the character. You just aren't sure why.

Okay let me go back and point out some spots I wanted to draw attention to:

I don't like Mordred. My friend Shadows (yeah, we watched this one together too!) dissolves into a puddle of goo when he shows up on screen. But I mean… come on! He's EVIL! REALLY! Why does everyone think he's so darn cute?

Who is the Druid that is with Mordred in the beginning? They never say. Is it his father? No… can't be. I am of the opinion that Merlin is his father. Morgana is the mother. Mordred was born about a year ago for them but has been trapped in time for about a decade, and that's why they don't recognize him as the result of Morgana and Merlin being together when they met pre-season (Morgana was being rebellious, as she does, and Merlin's sense of propriety is not all that 'good' for the times… He was raised by an unmarried woman, after all.) Morgana put the kid up for adoption. Totally. It's true. You act like I'm lying! I think I even read a fanfiction that said something similar! Okay, look, give me a break… It's the first vaguely Mergana episode out!

My OC Charlotte from Beautiful Friendship is in this one! She's a pickpocket… Just throwing that out there.

Gwen drinks with Morgana in the scene where Merlin runs into Morgana's room. Morgana treats her servant very well… Like an equal. Think Merlin and Arthur dynamic but with less snarky/prat-ness.

"Those who use magic will not be tolerated." Uther, you really put the man in mantra. (My word, that was a really stupid joke. I am SO sorry. Please don't sue.)

"For someone with such a big secret you are a terrible liar." Gaius is so right. It's lucky Arthur doesn't ask first thing when he meets someone: "Do you have magic?" Or Merlin would be dead.

The cast commentary thingy pointed out that this is a lot like a World War II drama. I would like to point out that people have just got to stop comparing Camelot to Nazi Germany or places occupied by it. Because Uther with a Hitler-stache? Um, no. And where would Arthur fit in there? And magic is not Jewish, though there I see what people mean—it's a way of life being persecuted. (Are there any WWII stories about people who aren't Jewish? Other persecuted people, maybe… Like homosexuals? A gypsy? A Catholic? Just idle curiosity here.)

Morgana and Merlin talk about Mordred, and the ship was probably born right there. I mean… the way they were looking at each other was downright… steamy. And what scares me was that they apparently filmed this two ways; this way, and another way which was more 'flirty.' Or, as Katie put it, more 'sexy.' I don't know how she made it flirtier… What, was she sitting in his lap?

"Besides, if he finds out about this he'll execute me himself." Something about the dry way Merlin said that about Gaius cracked me up.

Merlin's (okay, Colin's) acting makes me really happy. It takes talent to make a character that everyone just wants to hug all better.

"Are you saying it's wrong to harbor a young magician?" Merlin to Gaius… ouch. Gaius tries to point out that they difference is that Merlin's magic is still a secret, but I disagree. I think Gaius just got burned. (Don't make him angry, Merlin; he's secretly a superhero!)

"You didn't turn your back on me; please don't turn your back on him." Merlin's adorable ears! His sad eyes! His soft voice! I think I melted; plop. Puddle. That being said, I was going to make a joke about the sexiness of his voice right there and hearing aids. But though the T rating now means I am free to make it, the joke was too unoriginal… I won't say it.

(*cough Hearing AIDs cough*)

Did you hear something? I didn't.

Why didn't Arthur yell at Merlin for the missing keys? Because… well… In season 2, he yells at Merlin for letting them be taken whenever ARTHUR was the one dumb enough to let someone else in his room the night before, and sent Merlin away. But here, Merlin steals them from under his nose, and Arthur doesn't even ask how it happened. Stupidhead.

"I feel I've put you in danger without ever stopping to ask how you felt about it." Um… Morgana? You feel like that because it's exactly what you DID do. But at least this gave Gwen a reason to talk for a couple of seconds. (It's not a Gwen-centric episode, did you guess?)

When Arthur catches Morgana sneaking out with Mordred, but before he realizes who she is, he puts his sword to her back and says, "Halt, or I'll run you through." I can't take him seriously, because his voice suddenly got deeper, and it made me crack up. His voice is not really that deep! Though I stopped laughing when Morgana begged him to let Mordred go and he looked so scared, I thought he might cry. He really wanted to let him go.

Uther says he'll execute Mordred, and that it should be a lesson to Morgana. This, again, is a shout out to all fathers, present or future: EXECUTING OTHER (INNOCENT) PEOPLE IS NOT PROPER DISIPLINARY ACTION FOR YOUR CHILDREN! Honestly… I know some people don't approve of spanking children (no matter how much the child asks for it), but that is definitely better than killing someone. Killing is bad. In case you missed that or were never taught it earlier in life. Don't drink and drive; don't smoke; don't kill. Don't kill a drunk driver while drunk and smoking, either.

Arthur learns of Morgana's lies, near treason, and what does he immediately want to know? "Are you telling me that he really was behind the screen when I came to search your chambers?" (Morgana told him right where the boy was when he searched her chambers in order to make him feel so stupid that he left without checking.) I really wanted her to reply: "Yes, he was… Merlin was back there too, waiting for me; make of that what you will."

When Merlin learns of Arthur and Morgana's plan, he immediately cries, "You can't!" I didn't really get it until this time. When Merlin saved the Druid boy, he disobeyed the dragon because he couldn't let an innocent boy die when he could stop it easily. But when Mordred was arrested, he thought it was out of his hands. Not his fault. Not his responsibility. Nothing he could do. The boy would die and he wouldn't have to feel guilty, just sad. That was probably what our dear, sweet Merlin was thinking. And that's scary. And what's scarier is that I can totally see myself being the same… Almost relieved that it was taken out of my hands, and quick to use excuses to keep it there. Half-hoping he would die and leave me alone. And that would be horrible of me. I'd probably cry, too, because I do that when I'm stressed.

I want to take you on a trip down AU lane. Imagine Merlin really did nothing when Arthur and Mordred were escaping. He hardened his heart to Mordred's cries and went to sleep. What would happen? Arthur would be berated by his father and Mordred would be executed. On this surface, this seems good… And then what? Merlin eats himself with guilt. He hates his destiny. Arthur never trusts his servant again, maybe fires him for being untrustworthy. Morgana hates Uther and Merlin that much sooner and maybe turns evil. If Merlin actually leaves when he's fired, Arthur dies soon thereafter. If not, destiny is messed up anyway. So I think Merlin made the right choice here, and the dragon was wrong. (One could say that Merlin could make the "I was detained" argument, but Arthur isn't THAT stupid.)

When Arthur breaks into Mordred's cell, he says, "Don't be scared." And I think I read Mordred's mind for a second there. It was a downright dismissive "Of you?" that he was thinking. Really. Go look; he was SO not scared!

I wonder if the Druids in the end know Mordred's destiny. And if they preach peace, and they say they are indebted to Arthur, then why do they keep Mordred around? I mean, they know Merlin's destiny, right? Who keeps these destiny straight anyone? Is there some batty old cat lady? Please tell me it isn't the dragon!

One last thing. How the heck did Mordred know without asking that Merlin was Emrys?

Just wondering…

So, anyway, I'm done. Did anyone like this way of covering an episode? It was a lot easier… A little shorter, too.

* * *

**MEMOS**

ONE

No quotes this time, I'm afraid. This drabble is for you, though of course you can't read it. You are dead. That's a shame, because you seemed like a perfectly nice random man who had like two lines before he was executed by Uther. Actually, I don't know why I'm writing you a memo. Maybe because I'm still wondering who you are. And why Mordred got over your death so quickly. Also, I really like your hair. CURLY!

Sincerely,

Kitty O, PBO

* * *

TWO

You know, your illegitimate daughter's acting is really weak. So when she comes crying and begging for forgiveness, but doesn't really mean it, it is very easy to spot. You are obviously blind. I think that runs in the family, though; your son is the same way.

You shouldn't execute children.

You should NEVER grab women by the neck. (Though, really, the people who wrote you doing that originally planned for you to slap her, but didn't think the audience would ever forgive you for that. Not when you were trying to kill a kid the same episode. HOWEVER, that does not make neck-grabbing okay. Personal space!)

Don't force me to get angry and come unleash my semi-evil powers of discipline on you, because I will!

Love,

~ Kitty.

P.S. Would you execute me if I gave you a hug? I just really think you need one sometimes…

~ K

* * *

THREE

And here we get to watch you slowly inch your way towards being a good king. A great king. A legendary one. Because even if someday we hope that you save innocent boys for their own sake, doing it because your sister asked is a good place to start. And when you were nearly caught escaping, you didn't just abandon said boy and save your skin. No, you pulled out your sword and prepared to fight for him.

Also, you tried to protest that the Druids were peaceful and therefore didn't deserve punishment for just passing through.

You'll need a bit more conviction to be great. But you are getting there, you lovable prat.

Smiles,

Kitty O of Awesomeness

* * *

FOUR

You realize that if you didn't rush to the help of strange disembodied voices IN YOUR HEAD automatically, then none of this would have happened? Uther would have been a jerk and Arthur would have been saved. Mordred would have died. There would be no Morgana-Mordred connection. There's nothing wrong with saving children, and altruism and charity are good things. Listening to voices in your head, however, is less good. It's actually kind of bad.

That being said, at the end there, I can see why you caved. Who can resist the voice of a little scared boy pleading that he doesn't want to die, and that he thought you were his friend? Really, who is that cold-hearted?

Love and Stuff,

Kit Kat Bar

* * *

FIVE

Arthur saved your life. You repay him by killing him someday. Merlin saved your life. You repay him by hating him and killing him best friend. You little jerk. UNGRATEFUL. No wonder Merlin throws a spear at you in season 2!

By the way, where were you in season 3? Sort of missed having a little creepy boy to rant at.

Signing Off,

Kitty O

* * *

Well, that's all for now! Please let me know what you thought, and what you think about the season 4 memos… You know, the note at the top of this chapter? I'll update very soon.


	42. Memos s1e9

I know quite a few people prefer the old way that I did this. However, due to the fact that I didn't get to write this chapter when I watched the episode a few days ago, which is not my fault (*glares at certain friend that she knows is reading this*), not that I minded… I'm going to have to go about this the same way I did last time. You mind terribly?

If so… sorry. I'll go back to normal next chapter, I hope. For now, just enjoy!

* * *

**ANSWERS TO LAST MEMOS:**

One. Nameless Druid, who may or may not be Mordred's dad. Oh, no, wait. That's Merlin. Sorry.

Two. Uther! He's so awesome in this episode, by the way!

Three. Arty. He's always awesome.

Four. Merlin, my man.

Five. Mordred, my man's son. Hm. I think I should feel betrayed, but I'm too much of a Mergana fan to do that.

* * *

**RUNDOWN OF "EXCALIBUR":**

Okay, the first part of this episode makes you remember why you love Arthur and feel a sort of exasperation (sometimes fond, sometimes not) towards Uther.

It starts with… *duh duh duh, drum roll* NIMUEH! Oi… You'd think she'd get bored starting episodes off with her silly plans, but no. This time she brings some dead man to life. A dead man with a chip on his shoulder, against Uther. This same dead man (Tristan de something-French-ish, Ygraine's brother and Uther's brother in law) bursts through a window in the middle of Arthur getting crowned Crown Prince of Camelot, because it's Arthur's twenty-first birthday, I assume. The dead man throws down a gauntlet in a challenge—towards Uther, but it looked to me like he was throwing it just haphazardly. (Being dead REALLY messes with your aim!)

I might inject here that you can't tell that Tristan is dead. He is wearing armor and doesn't talk, so… Yeah.

Sir OWAIN picks it up. No one likes the idea of him fighting to the death. I'm not sure why… Apparently, they like Sir Owain, unlike most small characters. Morgana tries to get Arthur to fight in his place (she likes Owain better) but he can't because of the Knight's Code. Well, Gaius is more worried about the fact that he recognizes Tristan's armor and seal, and so do Uther and Geoffrey. Gaius is leery. Geoffrey is worried. Uther is in denial… but he still clings to his sword like a baby blanket. Yeah, Owain dies, and Tristan throws down the gauntlet again, but though Arthur moves for it, Uther stops him and Pellinore gets there first.

Gaius and Merlin go on a trip down to some vaults, and discover that Sir Tristan's body is missing. And then do some research and figure that he's a wraith… Which no mortal weapon can kill. The wraith will exist until it fulfils its purpose. This might be a good time to mention the purpose. When Ygraine died in childbirth (for which Uther blamed magic, remember, because Nimueh didn't tell him when he asked her to help him have a son that Ygraine's life would be taken in exchange), Ygraine's brother blamed Uther (either because he used magic or just because it takes two to have a baby and he wasn't going top be mad at his sister) and challenged him to a fight to the death, and Uther won. But Tristan found the cheater's way out and cursed Camelot to "suffer his return." You'd think twenty years in Avalon with his sister would have cooled the rage, eh?

The second part of this episode makes you remember why you love Arthur even MORE… and why you at least tolerate Uther. Or why, in my case, you love him.

Pellinore fights. Pellinore dies. This time the Black Knight (as Tristan is known) doesn't get a chance to throw down his gauntlet; Arthur does it first. The Black Knight has no love for his sister's only child, apparently, because he says yes, and Uther is very mad at Arthur for doing something so stupid.

*Here Kitty O takes a break to go inform my brother that he must NEVER fight her son in a fight to the death after she's dead, or so help her, she's coming back to haunt him*

Gaius tries to talk to Uther and make him believe the truth. Uther never listens to anyone though. Then Nimueh shows up and gloats to Uther a bit about him losing his son, because she's a jerkette. A jerkette who watched Uther kill her closest friends. (Again I say to these characters… Revenge is _not_ the answer. Why won't they listen to me?)

Merlin talks to Arthur about pulling out, because Merlin's attempts to kill the knight with fire fail. Arthur ignores him and practices swordplay while saying something dumb about duty. Merlin pushes it. A stressed-out Arthur whips around and puts his sword to Merlin's neck in a warning. Kitty O throws her popcorn at Arty's face. Merlin gets angry and leaves.

Then Arthur fights and dies. The end.

KIDDING! Geez, put down the tomatoes!

Actually, Uther decides to be just about as BAMF! as he gets the entire danged series and makes a plan. He has Gaius drug Arthur and locks the prince in his room, then fights in his stead, knowing that when the wraith (yes, he finally accepts the truth!) has killed him, it will disappear.

Yay Uther!

Only one problem. NEVER, NRKOA, have two independent groups trying to solve the same problem at once. Especially when that problem is a wraith of the past queen's brother, vengeance bound and oh-so-very dead. See, Merlin also tried to fix things. He snuck into the library, and when he was caught, asked Geoffrey to help him find what he was looking for, and so learned about an old sword burnished in dragonfire that could kill anything dead or undead. He asked a sword from Gwen and then asked the dragon to breathe on it to save Arthur. The dragon agreed on one condition. Since this sword would be so powerful, ONLY ARTHUR would be allowed to use it. No one else. Merlin _promised._

What good are promises when faced with a king whose son is being threatened and who thinks he is going to die?

Uther ends up with the sword, though Merlin argues. Uther fights. Arthur wakes up in his room and hears the fight, and tries to beat his way out of his room, but can't. In the end, Uther wins, stabbing the wraith.

The wraith explodes.

What is it with this show and blowing people up? They can't even do it with blood and gore and brains, but the people blow up into bright ribbons of gold. Imagine that happening to you. Nightmarish, isn't it?

So Arthur tries to yell at his father for the risk he took, but Uther tells him to hang the Code (They are more like guidelines anyway! I yelled that at the screen, yes…), because he thought Arthur was going to die and he couldn't bear that; Arthur was too precious. Arthur's eyes are practically out his head. He always thought he was a disappointment to Uther. But no. The fluffiness. The sugariness. Go brush your teeth!

Then they joke a bit and Uther sends Arthur scurrying from the room with a kick to his backside, laughing.

Merlin, always getting the short end of the stick, gets yelled at by the dragon (apparently he can't be trusted; rich from the dude who will try to kill them all next season) and told to hide the sword where it won't ever be found. (At least _Gaius_ appreciates and doesn't yell at him!) Anyway, Merlin throws the sword in a lake and hopes that no one decides to go swimming there ever again and notices glowing at the bottom. (That's littering, also, Merlin. You can't just dump anything you feel like in this lake! What's next? A body?)

Well, everyone is happy enough. Except Tristan, who is probably right this moment getting lectured in Avalon about trying to kill his sister's son. That is, assuming you get to go to Avalon after being blown up. How would we know? Merlin doesn't care enough about anyone's immortal soul to ask. Really, that boy…

I bet Nimueh is ticked.

Okay, I made that a bit longer than last time! Now, what do I need to add in?

Arthur is being crowned Crown Prince of Camelot. This is obviously a very big deal. Obviously. I mean, before he was just a normal prince, and those are totally useless. (In other words, I really don't see the point of this ceremony. Anyone? All he seems to get out of it is a… well, a crown.)

The Knight's Code causes nothing but trouble the entire series. I vote we scrap it. But if we can't, then I vote we stop trying to get knight's to break it. Arthur, Merlin, Morgana, I'm looking at you people! And Lancelot, were I willing to give him the honor of my gaze, which I'm not.

Why do we care if Owain dies? We don't care when Valiant dies (okay, he's evil, but…). We don't care when Bedivere dies. We don't care when that random guy who wants to help Hunith in "The Moment of Truth" gets shot and dies. But then Owain is going to fight, and everyone's his BFF. Huh? And am I spelling Owain right?

This is not the same dude from Tristan and Iseult, right? Or wait… is that Tristram?

Poor Uther! People he killed twenty years ago coming back? Imagine how terrified he must have been before he realized it was a wraith. Imagine everyone from the Purge coming back and wanting his blood. I'd keep my sword close too.

I believe that Bradley's facial expressions once more deserve mention. The angry, sullen glare when Owain is stabbed and he's watching without flinching. I suggest you go watch it again. I think I wanted to throw my hands up and squeal, "I didn't do it! Don't kill me!" I won't go on another rant about manliness, but I think I should mention again that an angry!Arthur is a beautiful thing. (And if you wonder why I never mention Colin's facial expressions… I kind of consider them all quite nicely done. I don't know whether to point out the funny looks or the angry looks or the sad ones, especially as his acting improves with each passing episode. But know I appreciate them too.)

In the crypt when Merlin acts skittish, Gaius asks if he's scared. Merlin's answer? "Of old crypts? Wouldn't be caught dead anywhere else!" Lame joke deserved a mention.

When Owain dies, only Gwen looks away. When Pellinore dies, everyone does. Just thought I'd mention it…

(Merlin is trying to tell Arthur to withdraw because Tristan is unnatural)

A: I will not listen to this…

M: I'm trying to warn you, Arthur!

A: _And I'm trying to warn YOU, Merlin!_ (spins and sets his sword on Merlin's shoulder, next to his neck)

Okay, here is the thing. That's a jerky thing to do. No matter how scared you are, Arthur! Really, you could have killed him if Merlin happened to be moving at that exact moment. Just like how you could have killed him by throwing the goblet at him in "Gwaine." I should go write a whumpy story about that too, don't you think, Arthur? Hmm? No? Well, then, I demand you send Merlin a written apology for that. Hmph.

Uther to Nimueh: Haven't you tired of revenge?

Nimueh to Uther: Haven't you?

Me: OOOH BURN!

Geoffrey is so cool :) Just pointing that out. When Merlin says he's in a hurry (Arthur has a meeting with a revenge-fueled wraith in the morning), he says, "Yes, you young people always are." Haha.

This is the part of the chapter where I once more give advice to any fathers out there! Another 'not good parenting' example: Locking your child in your room to keep him from brooking an argument over which of you is going to die. Well, okay, that last part on the end is slightly understandable… Hmm… Well, here's a better lesson: Don't drug your kids!

When Merlin gets Uther ready for the fight, he says that he went and got the sword himself. Uther points out that this is beyond the line of duty. Merlin says, "You could say there is a bond between [Arthur and me (or is it I?)]." All Uther has to say is that he's glad, and Merlin should take care of him. There is so many things wrong with that conversation. Like the slashy undertones. The fact that Uther is okay with the slashy undertones. The fact that Uther is okay with his son being friends with a servant (not that I'm complaining… Take that, fanfic writers who think that Uther hates Merlin for their friendship/doesn't know who Merlin is!). Another thing wrong: Take care of him? Really? Merlin? I mean, assuming Uther knows nothing about the magic, then it is slightly ridiculous to ask a clumsy and silly servant to care for the big buff prince.

Moral of the story:

_Let the dead stay dead. They look really gross after being brought back to life twenty years later, and they can't even manage to kill one member of the royal family._

* * *

**MEMOS**

ONE

I bet you think you are really cool, don't you? Bringing back a dead man to kill anyone who stands in his way before he fights the king and kills him. Nice. Very nice little plot there. Not overly complex or anything.

Just an idle thought, if you can pop into the castle and into the same room as Uther to gloat about the imminent death of his son whenever you wish to, then why can't you pop into the throne room while Uther's alone and just stab him? You could then pop into Arthur's room and kill him.

That's too easy? Okay, take the stairs to Arthur's room.

That's too private? Okay, do the same thing on Uther's balcony one day.

That's too easy? Immobilize Uther and catch him on fire instead of stabbing him.

Basically, I would make a MUCH better villain than you! Except… well, I don't want to kill them, but whatever.

Four episodes left for you!

In Mental Superiority,

Kitty O, semi-evil sorceress.

* * *

TWO

Why in the world would you ask Arthur to fight for Owain? You think Arthur's just better than him? You have a crush on Owain? You honestly don't care if Arthur dies? That makes no sense.

But then, when Arthur finally gets around to fighting, you beg him not to?

I hate to sound like a male…

But really….

_Women! _

Sincerely,

I'll Give You Three Guesses

* * *

THREE

…Can I please give you a hug? I mean, that entire episode was just awesomeness! I don't even care that you were too pig-headed to tell your son the truth about his birth or that you make unfair exceptions in the Knight's Code for your son. I'm too busy basking in the I-went-to-fight-so-my-son-would-live. Because that takes some guts. You, sir, a hypocrite, but one of my favorite kinds.

Oh, and is it just me, or is there some kind of… interesting… tension between you and Nimueh? Because I think a you/Nimueh would be rather fun to write….

Don't kill me!

Love,

*put kitty paw print here*

* * *

FOUR

Hey, how can you wake up with your blond hair beautifully mussed and the sun glittering off your unreal blue eyes? That's not right. Who wakes up looking like that after being drugged? WHO? WHO, I ASK YOU? Seriously, though, for a second there it looked like your eyes were all blue with no white or black, and I was like… _creepy_. Pretty effect, but creepy. It was just the lighting, luckily. Wouldn't want dear old dad killing you for having magic eyes.

See, your dad DOES love you! Isn't that just the sweetest thing! Even though you totally conspired with the "enemy" last episode, he loves you! Squeal! Now watch you forget it within two episodes and become desperate to prove yourself again. Hopeless, but that's why we love you!

Hey, I'm still wondering what happened to those delinquent friends we went with to spray paint anti-magic graffiti? They were kind of fun! (And sorry that the other fanfiction writers came to spray pro-magic graffiti over it. Well, not really sorry, but just accept the apology!)

Fondly,

Kitty O of Awesomeness

* * *

What did you think? I want to maybe get up the next chapter tomorrow (only 4 chapters left!), but we'll have to see.


	43. Memos s1e10

I like this episode too, but I saw it recently, so I wasn't really all that eager about watching it again so soon. Plus it's pretty hard to sarcastically berate or satire, or even just laugh at. It's not all that funny, but it is exciting. I think one of the reasons I like this episode is because it doesn't take place in Camelot. I mean, I love Camelot and all. But it is always great to see our protagonists in unfamiliar (to us or to them) land, without the resources they are used to. Especially Arthur and Merlin. It's awesome when they have to rough it. Just like in the season 3 finale! But onto the chapter.

* * *

**ANSWERS TO LAST MEMOS: **

ONE. Nimueh. She doesn't show up again for a while… Not until the finale, when a certain someone brushes up on his blowing-up-women skills.

TWO. Morgana. She's pretty cool in this episode too, and I really like the fur wrap thingy she has around her shoulders…

THREE. Yeah, Uther. He's barely even in this episode. Or in the next. But don't worry, he'll be back in time to kill Gwen's father.

FOUR. Arthur, who in this episode has a bit of competition for the place of 'Merlin's Best Friend.'

* * *

**RUNDOWN OF "THE MOMENT OF TRUTH:"**

First things first, I have a question about the title. Why is it called the Moment of Truth? That sounds like a better title for the reveal… And this is not the reveal. Actually, Arthur gets fed another large lie, patted on the back, and told not to worry about it. And he doesn't. So…?

Next thing. I'm going to do this blow by blow… or I'm going to do this by scene. Doesn't make for a good "short summary" but I think it's easier for me to cover everything. We'll see how it turns out.

_1 _Starts in Ealdor. Bandits ride in, pretty much terrifying all the people and trying to take their food. This is obviously not their first trip here. When the man who seems to be in charge of the village's food supply, Matthew, tries to hide some of the food, the bad bandit dude says he wants it all, regardless of how many people starve. Hunith, Merlin's mother, tries to stop them, but she gets slapped to the ground. Some random dude runs to help her and gets shot. (No one really cares too much.) The bandits say they will be back in a week.

The bandit has a funny name. I'm not quite sure how to spell it. I've seen fanfic people write in Kanen, I think, or maybe Canen. Canan? Kanan? I don't know, but for the sake of simplicity, I'll spell it the way I thought it was at first… The way it is spelled in the Bible, Canaan. I think that's the one with six fingers, Ham's son… But we're not here to go into the Old Testament.

_2 _Hoping for help, Hunith goes to Camelot. Merlin meets her there, and looks excited to see his mother. Until he sees the bruise over her eye. And then he's all: "Who did this to you." *ducks* It wasn't me, Merlin! I swear! I never touched your mother! Whew, don't want to make the magic man angry. (I've heard speculation about Morgana killing Hunith in season 4, but I hope she doesn't. Merlin would… would… Well, it would not be good. Not good at all.)

_3 _Hunith pleads to Uther to help her and her village, but he turns her down because she lives in Cenred's kingdom. He can't enter there for fear of starting a war, and he won't endanger his people for one village. Everyone (okay, Merlin and Morgana) seem to get angry about that, and glare at him. I think that his argument is pretty understandable, but of course this show never ever wants us to think that the right course of action is the intelligent, thought out, careful, for the greater good one. No, of course not. The right course of action is always to jump into things with haphazard plans that could start wars and kill entire kingdoms.

_4 _Arthur stands on the castle wall and says he wishes they could help. Merlin tells him that is okay, but he's going home with his mother. Because she is his mother, and he has to take care of her first. (Which made me 'awww' and get all soft and ushy-gushy inside. Sweetness!) He doesn't think he'll be coming back… I'm not sure if he thinks he's going to be killed, or if he's just staying in Ealdor. Arthur tells him goodbye by saying that he's the worst servant he's ever had, and Merlin grins and thanks him.

Aw, BFFs.

I would like to point out one line there, at the beginning of the scene… Arthur: _I wish that Camelot was able to help people regardless of how far away they lived. _

Am I the only person who thinks that is foreshadowing for the future king who will unite the land of Albion? Or am I looking too much into this, because I always thought that, from the first time I saw this scene. (That was so long ago!)

_5 _Gwen gives Merlin a sword and chain mail and stuff for fighting off bandits. He has no idea what the heck to do with it. Gwen asks how it feels to hold it and he's all: "Yeah. Yeah. That feels really good. It's quite… swordy." Then Morgana and Gwen reveal that they are coming too! Yeah! It's like a party! But not, because you can't have a party without Arty.

_6 _Gaius helps Merlin pack. "Careful with the wine; you know what you're like. One whiff of a barmaid's apron and you're singing like a sailor." According to the audio commentary, Colin Morgan is the same way. (Colin Morgan denies it, and also throws in a "Don't drink, kids." Thanks, Colin. I would never have known any better if you hadn't told me.)

_7 _Merlin and Hunith that night talk by the campfire about no one finding out about his magic. Hunith never calls it that, though… I seem to remember she just calls it his "gift," so if someone hears her, they might assume that Merlin has a nice singing voice. …Which no one can find out about. Yeah.

_8 and 9 _Merlin hears a noise in the night and gets up with his sword to check it out. They obviously didn't think to post a guard, but I guess they weren't expecting. But there is no need to fret, Merlin fans (to take a leaf out of Bradley's book), because it's just Arthur. He came to help! YES! NOW IT IS A PARTY! And, by the way, I almost misspelled that as PRATY. Which also works…

_10 and 11_ Back in Ealdor, Matthew is in trouble for trying to hide food again. Canaan wants to kill him, but somehow Arthur manages to come riding in at that second, and an arrow nearly impaling Canaan's arm stops him. (Arthur is not holding a bow, though. Just a sword. And… no one else has a bow either. That's a pretty good trick, but either I'm stupid or those tv-people are, because… Where did the arrow come from?) Arthur and Merlin (and Morgana) fight off the bandits, who ride off with promises to be back. In the fight, Merlin used magic to heat up a man's sword so he dropped it (and then Merlin killed him while he was defenseless, because Merlin doesn't really have a sense of honor, but we love him anyway…) and a villager saw him do it. But it's okay. That's just William, Merlin's best friend. And he already knows, though they try to trick us into being worried. After the bandits leave, Arthur tells the people of Ealdor that he's here to help. Only William questions him, and William is a wet blanket. (He hates nobles because his father was killed fighting for Cenred.)

_12 _That night, Merlin tells Arthur the reason he left Ealdor is that he just didn't fit in anymore and wanted to find someplace he did. (Which in Merlin speak, means "My mother made me because she was scared about my magic.") By the way, I can't tell, and I'm wondering if anyone else can… Is Arthur lying on the floor next to Merlin (with his feet near Merlin's head) or on a cot? Because it looks like a cot. But that wouldn't make sense, because Merlin just said that he's always slept on the floor. And since Morgana and Gwen are lying in a bed, and Arthur would be lying in a bed… Where would the other bed come from? It's just Merlin and Hunith living there, so if they had two beds they would both take one. Right?

_13 _The next morning, they have a conversation that really makes me happy, so I'll put it down. Merlin is helping Arthur put on his leather jacket thingy, and Morgana quips, "Still not learned how to dress yourself?"

"If you don't have a dog, you have to fetch the stick yourself," Arthur replies. "No offense, Merlin." (I think it would be better if he said, "If you have a dog, why fetch the stick yourself?" but I'm not the writer here.)

Without looking up, studying Arthur's clothes, and only raising a finger in acknowledgement, Merlin says, "None taken."

That makes me really happy like I said. Merlin really does enjoy his job. I think he takes pride in being a servant, and pride in Arthur. You can tell sometimes. There are times when Merlin fixes Arthur's collar, of his bed covers, or his curtains, without being told to and simply because he wants things to look better. For all his complaining, he probably even takes pride in clean stables. It's so cute.

After everyone but Merlin and Hunith leaves the house (Arthur telling Merlin to go get wood as he leaves), Merlin's mother tells Merlin that she knows Arthur came for Merlin, not just for the village in trouble. She says, "…He _likes_ you."

_HUNITH!_ *headdesk* WHAT IS IT WITH YOU? DON'T YOU WANT GRANDKIDS? Stop supporting the slashers; they'll be calling you the Great Slash Mother next!

_14 _As Bradley James points out, in every scene Will is in, he's giving someone the guilt trip. When Merlin goes to get wood, Will accuses him of being willing to sacrifice the lives of his friends and family just to protect his secret, because then he would have to leave Camelot.

_15 and 16_ The men of Ealdor are not… natural fighters. Actually, they stink. But Arthur keeps trying. Gwen and Morgana say that they think the women should fight too, but Arthur says no. Why? Because… What kind of self-respecting man would say yes to "Can the women fight too?" He just… wouldn't. Because for some reason, it's better for men to die without a chance than women. I don't know why, so just go with it!

_17_ _and 18_ Arthur and Ealdor are in a meeting, planning a trap for the bandits, when Matthew comes riding in from sentry duty—dead over the side of his horse. An extra cries over him, and Arthur looks shaken (but that could be the note they found stuck to him), but William seems to take this opportunity to… you guessed it… guilt-trip Arthur about only caring for his own glory. He storms off, and Merlin follows him. Will then accuses Merlin of abandoning Ealdor by not using his magic. Wait, didn't they already show this scene? No, Will is just repetitive.

Anyone getting bored? Sorry. I told you it is difficult to make this episode funny, and I'm not really feeling it today…

_19 and 20_ Arthur is discouraged by Will's words, but Merlin cheers him up. Later, in a meeting, the women insist on fighting too. Arthur gives a speech about how they are fighting for the right to survive and all that… I'm all choked up. Really. Next time I'm excited, forget "For Narnia," I'm shouting "FOR EALDOR!" Will doesn't share in the determination. He leaves the meeting. He doesn't even cheer. Spoilsport.

_21_ Hunith realizes that Merlin plans to use magic, and she worries that she's ruined everything for Merlin. But Merlin says no, "If he doesn't accept me for who I really am, then he's not the friend I thought he was." Yeah, because I often test friendships that way. I just put my life in the hands of someone I have known less than a year and see if they have me executed. If they do, oh well. If not, yay! (Sarcasm. It doesn't work that way. Arthur really isn't ready to learn Merlin's secret, but all the same, the show is careful to make sure that Arthur never explicitly condemns magic in this episode. That would ruin the friendship that is budding, especially after what Merlin just said.)

_22 _Gwen yells at Arthur for not eating Hunith's food and tells him that he shouldn't turn his nose up at it. Then she tells him that she believes in him. Pretty boring scene, only… HOLD UP. Arthur hasn't eaten? Like, since they got there? He hasn't been eating the food? What is he, superhuman? Why hasn't he fainted yet? He's been exercising and worrying without EATING? The maternal voice inside of me just died a little.

_23 _The day of the fight, Merlin doesn't help Arthur with his armor. He puts on his own. (Actually, Arthur ends up helping Merlin a bit.) They talk a bit… You know, pre-battle it's-been-an-honor and all, and Merlin warns Arthur not to think differently of him after today. He is just about to admit to being magic… When Morgana comes in and calls them away.

_24_ I'm not going to go very much into the fight. The people of Ealdor hide. The bandits ride in, and the people pull up a wall of sticks to fence them in. Then Morgana is supposed to light a wall of flame to scare the horses and keep them in. (Only it gives her trouble, so Merlin runs across the village, ducks arrows, and does it with magic… Which he wasn't able to do from across the village for some reason.) Then Ealdor's people jump out and there is a fight scene. I LOVE FIGHT SCENES! Action! Daring! Adventure! People dying! Adrenaline! WHOOSH! (Um… not the right sound effect there. Sorry, I was _in the moment_.) Merlin nearly gets killed from behind… but then Will jumps off a roof and kills the guy who was about to kill Merlin. I knew Will wasn't going to abandon us!

Ealdor is losing. There are too many bandits. So Merlin uses his magic and makes a cyclone/tornado/whirlwind thing and blows the opposition away. Literally. (I stole that line from a kid's movie called _Hoodwinked_… Ignore it…) Only Canaan remains behind, and with a call of "PENDRAGON," he challenges our dear prince to a fight, which he loses. Arthur stabs him, and we think (key word: THINK) he's dead.

I interrupt this program to bring you a question from Kitty O: How does he know Arthur's name? Does he just recognize the prince of another kingdom? No one ever told him his name, and the last time Canaan was in the village, no one knew who Arthur was.

OOH! I know! Obviously the answer is saucery! The answer is always that! It's magic. Magic is evil. I'll call Uther; he can take care of this.

Arthur turns to Will and Merlin, and demands to know which of them performed the magic he just saw. Merlin is about to confess. Behind Arthur, Canaan sits up and grabs a crossbow… And shoots. But with a cry of "Watch out!" Will pushes Arthur away. He takes the arrow himself. And Canaan, like Mary Collins before him, falls down dead.

_25 _Will is taken inside, where he takes credit for Merlin's magic. Merlin tries to stop him, but he does it anyway. Then he asks Arthur if he's going to kill him, but Arthur says no, of course not, and orders Merlin to do what he can for him. But don't get all misty-eyed, folks. Sure, it seems real sweet that Arthur's going to be lenient. But it isn't, not really. For starters, magic is legal in Ealdor. Also, Will is already dying. If I were Arthur, I wouldn't kill him either. There would be no point. He's got an arrow STICKING OUT OF HIS CHEST. Arthur wasn't necessarily being merciful, you know. Arthur could have been thinking any sort of nasty thoughts right then. Even an evil character might be smart enough to let Will alone. Because, like I said, he is dying anyway. So I don't find Arthur's words all that touching.

Better question, and one that Bradley James asks too, though I thought of it before I watched the audio commentary. Why can't Merlin save him? For someone all-powerful, Merlin stinks at healing spells. This time he doesn't even try.

Oops… picking at the plot again.

_26 _They burn Will's body in a funeral pyre. Arthur tells Merlin he is sorry, that he knows Will was a close friend… But all the same, magic is 'dangerous' (notice he doesn't say 'evil,' because if he called the man who died saving his life evil, then the fans would jump through the screen and strangle him. Not to mention how Merlin would react…) and Merlin should have told Arthur about it.

Merlin's mother tells him to go back to Camelot, where he belongs. He needs Arthur and Arthur needs him. After all, they're like… Two sides of the same coin.

*facepalm*

HUNITH! Would you stop that! For heaven's sake… Who just comes up with that metaphor off the top of their head? REALLY? If I was Merlin, I wouldn't smile at it the way he does. Being told that I was only one side of a coin with anyone I wasn't married to would creep me out. Actually, if some random person told me that even about my spouse, it would be creepy. The TSotSC metaphor would have me bashing my head against a wall.

_27_ Anyway, the episode ends with them going home happy. And not one person wonders if Uther is back in Camelot, half mad with fear over his missing son and ward. Or maybe they got permission from him to go. But I doubt it; father-like, he is determined to ruin all his children's plans. I wonder if he'll throw Merlin in the stocks for letting them come. Or maybe the dungeons. (Uther's idea of justice is a bit… off.) Hmm…. Story idea, maybe.

Moral of the story:

_Arthur is an idiot. Even after someone with magic saves his life, he forgets it by the next episode and goes back to thinking all magic is evil. And Merlin isn't too bright either, because he never uses this as evidence._

MEMOS time!

* * *

ONE

To Will, you say that Arthur would one day accept you. To your mother, you say that if Arthur knew about you, he'd kill you. You need to make up your mind, boy! Also, don't tell your mother that the person she has staying under her roof would kill you. That's not the kind of thing mothers like to hear, you know.

You look very cute in chain mail.

One whiff of a barmaid's apron, eh? Hm. I wonder what having to put up with a drunk!you was like for Gaius?

Sincerely,

Kitty O

* * *

TWO

You fight pretty well. For a girl with no training, you know. Someone who is only good at mending swords and stuff…I wouldn't want to challenge you. Also, I think you and Arthur are already starting to feel something there. If the way you keep correcting him and he keeps taking it is any indication.

Sincerely,

Kitty O

* * *

THREE

So… do you often just show up in random towns and give moving speeches, declaring you are going to lead them to victory? Pretty legit, there… You lead an interesting life.

Why do you completely forget that Merlin's best friend, a so-called sorcerer, gave his life to save yours? Why do you not even wonder why someone evil would do that? Why do you never question your wrong beliefs? Why are you so stupid, and why do you make stupid so cute and endearing?

Hugs,

Me.

* * *

FOUR

Hm… not much to say to you this episode. I like your outfit… and hey, did you really beat Arthur swordfighting? That's pretty cool! I would brag about it too.

I like this you. The you who saves villages, not burns them to the ground. The you who helps Merlin because he's your friend, and who knows that Arthur is helping because Merlin is his friend too. You might never have been my favorite character, but you were nice. Still, I guess I'm getting pretty attached to your dark side, too. And there's nothing better than some Merlin/evil you. That's always fun.

Later,

Your Instructor in Evil.

* * *

This was not a good chapter, in my opinion… But I tried my best. I hope to have the next chapter up tomorrow.


	44. Memos s1e11

Passed 600 reviews, what joy! Thanks so much to the NRKOA.

I really love this episode. Not quite sure why… Maybe because aunguished!Arthur is as much fun as… as… as Dark!Arthur. (Yeah, I'm a terrible person. So?) Maybe it's the bromance. Maybe it's the fact that there is a Keeper of the *snigger* _Unicorns_. For serious. Maybe it's because this is the episode that was playing on TV when I discovered _Merlin_. (You remember that story?)

Whatever the reason, I love this episode… But I don't have any notes again. Darn, sorry… So it may be a bit short. Not too short, I hope.

* * *

**ANSWERS TO LAST MEMOS:**

ONE. Merlin

TWO. Gwen

THREE. Arthur

FOUR. Morgana. Yeah, so I just gave memos to the main four :)

* * *

**RUNDOWN OF "THE LABYRNITH OF GEDREF:"**

I would like to show you something.

The Anti-Slash Theory

By Kitty O

Arthur killed Merlin's unicorn and took the horn. (Stop giggling, let me finish the mathematical proof!)

Merlin is very miserable at the loss of the unicorn.

All of Camelot suffers.

Because Camelot suffers, Arthur is unhappy.

Arthur must prove himself to save Camelot and nearly dies.

The events that lead to everyone's suffering stopping are the same events that lead to the unicorn coming back to life, and the unicorn coming back to life brings Arthur and Merlin joy.

Therefore, Merlin's Unicorn Dead = unhappiness; Merlin's Unicorn Alive = happiness.

THEREFORE, Arthur should not kill Merlin's unicorn.

(Unicorns symbolize purity or virginity.)

-end-

The only problem with the above theory is that it only works for Merthur, not Gwaine/Merlin or Lancelot/Merlin… Or anything else (there is some WHACKY stuff out there in our fandom). Other than that, I think it's quite brilliant. Feel free to quote. Or ask for autographs.

Actually, I just summarized the whole episode right there… But I'll go into a bit more detail than that, I think. Still, it will be short this time, I'm thinking.

Well, *takes deep breath* here's what happens. Arthur and Merlin are hunting (with a few other nameless guys) and Merlin gets sent in to… flush out? Distract the creature? Get eaten? But turns out it's a unicorn (read: white horse with long main and a horn on its head that Merlin thinks is gorgeous, but isn't all that pretty. Looks like… a horse.), and Merlin gets a look on his face that's like… smitten? I'm not sure how to describe it without squealing. But Arthur is… Arthur, and kills it. Merlin actually _cries_, but Arthur calls him a girl, and Merlin also notices some creepy old dude in robes standing behind Arthur. But a blink, and he's gone. Arthur is proud of the unicorn kill, and takes the horn home to show Uther. Like Arthur, the king is pleased. Only Merlin and Gaius are not happy—Merlin because it was beautiful, and Gaius because bad things are supposed to happen when you kill a unicorn.

(Note here: it's a bit of a running gag, but there is a rat in Arthur's chambers that Arthur keeps yelling at Merlin to catch. Comic relief rat, I guess, in a serious episode. And useful later. And referenced in the season 3 finale.)

Bad things do happen: First, the crops all die in the fields. Only the reserves are left. (When Gwen asks Merlin about it, he says, "We may have to start tightening our belts." Oh, dear. Please no… Merlin can't AFFORD to tighten his anymore! He'll disappear!) They barely have time to worry about that when all the water in the well turns to sand. Sorcery is obviously the culprit.

Uther puts out a curfew and says that any looters will be executed as he tries to get everyone to remain calm. But after curfew, Merlin and Arthur spot someone sneaking around, and follow him. They run into Anhora, who introduces himself as the Keeper of the Unicorns and—

*snort*

Sorry, I—

*snort*

I am taking this seriously. It's just… _Keeper of the Unicorns_? The man can call himself that with a straight face? That's manly, that is.

Keeper of the Unicorns. LOL. In case what, they run off? Why do unicorns even need to be kept? What, are they dangerous? Like they need a zookeeper?

*laughs*

Okay, back on subject! *grins to self* This man says that everything is Arthur's fault, that killing the unicorn brought the curse on Camelot. Arthur denounces him a sorcerer and tells him to lift the curse. The man tells Arthur it is not his fault, but the prince's. Arthur threatens him. Arthur doesn't listen well. Anyway, Anhora disappears into thin air, leaving Arthur and Merlin behind.

Merlin believes the man, but Arthur doesn't. He tells Merlin, "You cannot trust a single word a sorcerer says. You'd do well to remember that." Merlin takes that well, considering Arthur just dissed all his kin. Me, I'd throw a boot at his head and yell, "Will died for you, you imbecile!"

That night, Arthur finds a looter in the grain store. But the man cries that his children are starving, so Arthur caves and lets him go. Even gives him some grain. The next day, the water returns to Camelot. Merlin is more convinced than ever that Anhora wasn't lying, but Arthur doesn't believe it and simply tells Merlin to find him some food as he leaves. (And then Merlin catches sight of the rat…) Then Arthur sees his people starving and loses his appetite. He's willing to believe that perhaps they should go seek out the KotU. He also says he isn't hungry, but Merlin insists that he must eat the stew Merlin prepared.

When Arthur discovers he's been eating rat, he gets annoyed and instead feeds it to Merlin. That Merlin is totally disgusted surprises me, because he's probably eaten worse. Remember his mother's horrible cooking, and the fact that he's really poor in Ealdor? (At the end of this scene, Morgana enters and asks if they have any food. Arthur and Merlin smile mischievously at the rest of the rat stew. But I wonder if Morgana actually eats that stew, because she was giving out food to the people in Camelot… So… did they just feed a bunch of random people Merlin's practical vengeful joke?) Anyway, Arthur should have eaten that. Because he fails the next test—he meets the looter in the forest when searching for Anhora (Merlin's lost somewhere back there) and discovers the man is just a thief. When the man taunts him, insults him, calls him weak, says his people have no faith in him, and suggests his father must wonder if he's even the king's son (and wouldn't it be total karma if he wasn't? Uther'd know how Gorlois felt…), Arthur cracks and fights him. But when he lands a killing blow, the dude disappears and Arthur failed the test by giving into his pride. (Question: When Anhora is telling him he failed… Are Bradley's eyes really that blue? Are those contacts? Or is it the light or recoloring or something, because… his eyes are the size of saucers and BLUE.)

The remaining stores rot. (Merlin, poor dear, gets stuck eating a big bug that does NOT taste like chicken. Why do they keep making him put the most _disgusting_ things in his mouth…? Oh, heavens. Geez, I didn't mean like that. Oh, gosh, ew. No, I mean… the troll potion. Poison. Bugs. Rotten fruit pieces. Merlin must eat/taste them all, and I pity him.)

There is a scene which I thought was brilliant… It really shows that Arthur has learned from his failure, and also that his pride may be an inherited trait. Uther wants to stop distributing food and just feed the army for protection. (Really, no matter what he does, the palace stores, which is all they have, won't last long.) Arthur wants to ask the neighboring kingdoms for help, but Uther's pride won't let him do this. He even accuses Arthur of having no pride, which is funny, because that's what CAUSED the problem. Arthur refuses to give the order; Uther will do that himself. Uther clings tight to his pride and insists it's Arthur's fault for not killing the sorcerer who started this. (Pride. One of the reasons Uther is not as great a king as Arthur is supposed to be.)

Merlin seeks out Anhora and begs him to give Arthur one more chance. Arthur is really hurt by his people's suffering and blaming himself. Anhora is all: "So, you have faith in Arthur?" And Merlin nods and says in a breathless voice, "I trust him with my life." (Which… is a bit of foreshadowing…) So Anhora tells Arthur where to go: The Labyrinth of gives the message to Arthur, who decides to go. Merlin wants to come, but Arthur is worried that the quest will end in his death anyway. Besides, it's HIS quest, so he orders Merlin to stay.

Merlin agrees.

Merlin follows him.

They ride horses to a maze, and both enter separately. Merlin finds Anhora with a sword setting a trap… for Merlin. The special effects as vines grab Merlin and trap him are so bad that I can barely watch, and I'm not picky about special effects. They were that bad. Arthur, meanwhile, finds his way out of the maze to a beach. On the beach is a table. Anhora stands to one side. Merlin sits at it. Two cups are on it.

I LOVE THIS SCENE! MY INTRO TO MERLIN! *fangirls for a moment or two, then clears throat and moves on*

Here's the test: Both cups have liquid. One is poison, the other harmless. Both must be drunk (ALL the liquid). One person may drink per goblet. You have ten minutes. Go. (I made up the time limit… They make everything cooler, because time limits mean cool suspenseful music!)

Arthur: What kind of ridiculous test is that? What does that prove?

I thought it was rather obvious. It's a secret test of character. Duh, Arthur.

They are both determined to drink the poison and save the other. Merlin argues that Arthur's life is more valuable, but Arthur says that this is _his _test. They decide to just pour all the drink into one goblet and drink that… And then Arthur pulls the oldest trick in the book. Really, he just points behind Merlin. Might as well have said, "Look, a distraction." Honestly, Merlin, you are cute but dumb as a box of rocks sometimes! (In other words, I'd have looked too.)

Arthur grabs the cup, and when Merlin asks him to stop and listen, he laughs and says that he NEVER listens to Merlin. Then he drinks every. Last. Drop. And yet, when he falls to the ground, some liquid spills out of the fallen goblet for dramatic effect. (Were I Anhora, I would feel compelled to point out that they didn't really pass the test. But then, I'm not Anhora, which is good. Because he's old.)

Merlin is striken (his destiny and best friend just died before him), and though WE know Arthur isn't dead, we have to wonder… But turns out, it was just a sleeping draft. Arthur has proven himself pure of heart.

Camelot is saved.

And the unicorn comes back to life.

And THAT is the end.

I wonder how Arthur felt waking up not dead? It must have been shocking. Bet he teased Merlin for looking teary. (Fanfic idea, if anyone wants it.)

TWO MORE EPISODES TO GO! Okay, premature celebration… Must give memos.

* * *

ONE

Keeper… of the Unicorns. Man, how can you take yourself seriously? Tell me, what do you do all day? Do you spend your entire time following unicorns around? Do you deliver warnings to people who go around killing them for fun or something?

Or do you have a day job?

Maybe the unicorns are secretly drunken, furious man-killers when the moon is full, and you spend all month preparing to don a black suit and mask, running around sedating the unicorns with your special crossbow?

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. But seriously. And why does no one else know about you? Didn't Uther even try to kill you during the great Purge? Is your power passed from father to son like that of a dragonlord? A _unicornlord_?

Hmm…

Yours in idle curiousity,

Kitty O of Awesomeness

* * *

TWO

Is your brain wired to think, "Ooh, look, pretty animal that cannot possibly be eaten for food—**kill**!"? Just wondering.

So… why exactly did you try to drink the poison for Merlin? Not that I mind the bromance, but I have to wonder. I mean, was it to save his life, because he's your friend? Was it simply because you didn't want anyone else to do for your mistake? Was it pride again… Because this was _your_ test? They are all reasonable… er, reasons for you to try and drink the poison for Merlin, but they aren't all as squeal-worthy. (What fangirl ever squealed over the last reason— just because it was YOUR test, and Merlin was getting in the way?) So, unless I am told otherwise, I shall assume it was a mixture of all those reasons. Plus, it made you look good.

Also, do you not consider unicorns magic? Because you just accepted that they were pure of heart… That doesn't sound evil. But maybe you don't… They don't seem very magical to me. Coming back to life and sending a curse over Camelot when killed… Not magical in the least.

Love,

Kitty

* * *

THREE

I bet that was really scary, thinking your destiny just died right before your eyes because you didn't reach the cup fast enough. Poor dear. *pats you on the head*

You know, I don't think that I'll drink anything in Camelot if I ever come (back). Between this, Morgana's poisoning, the poisoned chalice, Uther's medicine… What is it with you people and POISON? Honestly.

You managed to cry twice in one episode.

*facepalm*

Oh, well, I love you anyway!

Love,

Kit Kat Bar

* * *

I know, a lot shorter than usual. Oh, well, more either tomorrow or later today. Hey, this chapter is actually under 3,000 words! Yay!


	45. Memos s1e12

Hey, I'm back! Yes, I am!

I noticed some people complained about the length of the last chapter. Well, I'm doing the best I can, but I'll try to make it longer. The next chapter, but the way, should probably be up Saturday. Or maybe Sunday. Tomorrow I write the next chapter of _Of the Wooded Land_.

By the way, **Storylover456** pointed out to me a bit of unicorn folklore that slipped my mind… Unicorns only approach virgins. At first glance, this would appear to throw my Mordred theory out the window, but I have thought of three reasons I could still be right.

One, it's just a very stupid or mistaken unicorn. I mean, it didn't run away when it saw Arthur walking along with a crossbow, did it? How dumb can you get?

Two, Mordred is Merlin's child… From the future. He just got sent back in time. (Probably by his parents because they might end up fighting each other, but they love their kid, and don't want Mordred growing up in a time where Mummy and Daddy and trying to kill each other.) And that's why neither of them recognize him.

Three, technically the unicorn didn't approach Merlin. He approached it. It just didn't run away.

No, I am not splitting hairs. It's the dead truth, I tell you.

* * *

**ANSWERS TO LAST MEMOS: **

One, Anhora; Two, Arthur; Three, Merlin.

* * *

**RUNDOWN OF "TO KILL THE KING:" **

This is a really dark episode. I mean, I love it, but it is dark. Probably the darkest of the series so far. I think just watching it gave me about ten plot bunnies. Sadly, most of them were fragile things and died in infancy, but I did get one idea that I think I shall use in an upcoming fic—_Assassins_. It's set at the end of season 3 and shall include liberal amounts of Arthur and Merlin kicking tail. No, I'm not joking.

This episode is also the starting point for the Dark!Gwen video on my profile. Yeah. That's how awesome this episode is.

That being said, it's also really depressing. And the first full episode of _Merlin_ I ever watched… No wonder I was hooked at once.

The episode begins with Tom. He surprises his daughter (that's Gwen, for those of you who aren't thinking today) with a present… a button! …That goes on the dress he bought her! Gwen wonders how he got the money… But he won't tell her.

Don't worry, Gwen. I'm sure it's nothing. Your father has just joined a super secret group of vigilante fighters that protect the dignity of the Unicorns of Camelot. Anhora's the leader, and he pays well.

Okay, actually, there is this random dude who wants Tom to do some work for him, and he'll pay well. What he actually wants is to turn a bunch of lead into gold. (He tells us the reason much later: he wants to bribe his way to the king so he can kill Uther. That's dumb… He should have just asked Nimueh for help! She can just teleport to Uther's side!) When Tom realizes that the man is doing magic, he tries to protest that he doesn't want this. But then he sees the gold and can't help gaping. He is holding the gold in his hand, staring at it while Toron (is that how you spell the dude's name?) tells him that he can have it if he'll help but not tell the king.

Tom doesn't have time to refuse. Arthur and his knights burst in and arrest him, but the sorcerer escapes… Dropping the stone he used to create the gold (OMG it's the philosopher's stone! Awesome! And no, I was not thinking of Harry Potter) on his way out.

Arthur sees Tom holding the gold and takes it out of his hand.

TOM: Sire—please—

ARTHUR: You're under arrest.

I wonder if THAT ever bugs him. Like when the future kiddies of Camelot say, "Hey, Daddy-o, why don't have any grandfathers?" Awkward.

Gwen hears about this and rushes to Gaius and Merlin for help. Because EVERYONE ALWAYS rushes to them for help. They should start charging for that. (By the way, it's nighttime, but Merlin is awake because the feeling that magic was being used in Camelot woke him. They never explain this Merlin-style Spidey-sense.)

Morgana protests Tom's innocence. Arthur (who is looking depressed) tells her that Toron is the leader of a band of renegade sorcerers sworn to bring down the king.

Wait.

A band of renegade sorcerers sworn to bring down the king? OMG. OMG. OMG. I WANT IN! Not that I want Uther brought down… But MAN, that sounds SO epic! (Renegade sorcerers = made of awesome.)

Anyway, Morgana still insists that Tom could be innocent. There's no proof. She asks Arthur to back her up, and he points out to Uther that Tom may have committed a crime, but he might not have meant treason. Uther is not buying it… He's so determined to catch this guy, he even wants to execute people who gave him food or a bed. Morgana is still insisting on a fair trial for Gwen's father…

"He'll be given a fair trial, and he'll be found guilty because that's what he is." Uther, darling, I think you miss the point of a 'fair trial' completely.

I'm not sure why, but Gwen is staying with Gaius and Merlin… She's sleeping in Merlin's bed. (He'll be sleeping on a chair, with a blanket, against a pillar-like thing, facing the opposite way. That's so uncomfortable looking…) Morgana doesn't know where she is, though, and is looking for Gwen when she finds the stone of the sorcerer in Tom's forge. She takes it. (Her picking it up wakes Merlin.)

Morgana is quite busy this day… She hides the stone, goes and finds Gwen, talks to Merlin about there being no hope for Tom, goes to Arthur's chambers, steals a key from his drawers (he REALLY needs to hide them better…), and then goes to Tom.

"I'm a dead man, aren't I?"

"I cannot see the future. Only the present." ~Oh, the irony. The hilarity.

Anyway, she gives Tom the key.

(Meanwhile, a bunch of dudes who gave Toron food and stuff are arrested. Merlin is horrified, but Arthur won't listen to his protests. Arthur hates it too, you can tell, but he's being a bit of a coward. Or smart, depending on how you look at it. He wouldn't have gotten anything done by arguing, but it would have made the fans feel better.)

Tom escapes. For the "gentlest man" Merlin's "ever met," he can get dangerous… He knocks out a guard and steals his sword. Uther hears about the escape and decides this means he's guilty and to be killed on sight.

And he is. Dead!Tom. How depressing.

Gwen cries, which is _very_ understandable. Morgana stalks off to yell at Uther, and may I mention that Katie McGrath looks really beautiful in that scene? I want that blue dress _so very _badly. And I like that hairstyle too. But I think I'm rather missing the point of her visit here. I want to point out some of Morgana's brilliant lines here. Everyone seems to say that their favorite Morgana line is the one about chopping people's heads off not being a cause for celebration. I like these better though. She points out that "One by one you make enemies of us all," and says: "Only a madman hears the truth as treason."

BAM! Favorite line. (Tied with "You will go to hell.")

In another stellar example of really bad parenting, Uther has her forcibly restrained. He locks her in a dungeon overnight. (He could have at least left the chains off… Or given her some cloth for them, or something. If I were her, I'd be waving those scarred wrists in his face for a while.) As she's being locked up, she's still saying how he's a tyrant who doesn't care about her and driven mad with power and… and… Uther, stop that. Stop staring at the screen like that. That's scary, really, with the light behind you. Uther, stop it!

Whew. That was terrifying! Really, I've never seen Uther so scary.

Arthur apparently takes it upon himself to go around picking up the pieces that Uther's broken. First he goes to Gaius's chambers and talks to Gwen. She doesn't seem to be holding a grudge against him, but he's awkward anyway.

"Guinevere, I want you to know that your job is safe, and that your home is yours for life. I guarantee you that. I know that under the circumstances, it's not much. But… ah, anything you want, anything you need, and you have to do is ask." *awkward pause* "I'm sorry."

AWW.

Gwen goes home… and is immediately grabbed by Toron, who wants his stone back. She tells him she doesn't know where it is, but he says to bring it to him at a certain time, a certain place, or he'll kill her.

What do you think Gwen does? If it was Merlin, he'd just use magic to kill the guy. If it was Arthur, he'd fight with the man (before Merlin saved him). Morgana would have either refused grandly or turned traitor. What does Gwen does?

Nothing. Not a thing. Well… except cry.

That annoys me. When under threat of death, Gwen never does anything useful! Like in 3.07, she cried then to. At least in season 3 finale she did _something_. If I were her, I would go to Arthur. "Hey, by the way, that sorcerer you are after? I know where he will be in two days time. I can take you there. I can be a decoy or something so he won't see you. Then you can capture him." Maybe then he'd even confess that Tom hadn't known what was going on. It would probably sooth Gwen's grief to have his name cleared. But _noooo_…

The next morning, Arthur comes in to see Morgana. She's not very nice to him, but then she's been chained up all night. (Still, the comment about gloating was a little cruel and uncalled for.) Arthur calls in the guards… And Morgana kinda freaks out and shouts, "Get away from me, you cowards!" I don't get that. One, 'you cowards'? That's the best she's got? And two, what did she think they were going to do other than release her? Really, I've tried to think of an answer as to what else Arthur could've been ordering them to do, but I've got nothing.

Morgana goes back and sees Gwen again, and Gwen tries to tell her that she shouldn't have gotten herself locked up—and then cries and tells her what happened with Toron. Morgana goes to "tell the guards," but instead she grabs the stone and goes out to meets the bandits. Merlin, being Merlin, follows (cough _stalks _cough) her.

She gets surrounded by the sorcerers and they threaten her, but Merlin doesn't move to help her because she actually offers to help the bad guys. She tells him she wants Uther dead too. And they tell her the plan. And she's going to help.

Merlin doesn't know what to do. He goes and asks the dragon, which is very dumb of him. Because isn't the answer he'll give obvious?

"Do nothing."

"What do you mean? If I do nothing, Uther will die!"

Yeah, that's the idea, Merlin. The dragon insists he let Uther die, and Merlin cries, "Where does it say my destiny includes murder?" I agree. Merlin has made a lot of mistakes in his time, but luckily killing his best friend's father, and then having to deal with that without completely making Arthur hate him, is not one of those mistakes.

Morgana talks to Uther about how Gwen's loss reminded her of the loss of her father. Uther sent him into battle and didn't send reinforcements when Morgana was ten. He says that the death was never his intention, looking horrified. But I'm busy thinking of King David right there. (It should send familiar to anyone who has read 1 Samuel.) Morgana makes it his fault, then says sorry and walks away with the beginnings of the dreaded smirk on her lips.

I've noticed Merlin shakes when he's nervous. Sometimes it's legit trembling, sometimes he's just bouncing his leg up and down nervously. But we see him do it a few times. Gaius and Merlin have the following conversation, only slightly edited because I can't read my writing:

M: "Do you think Uther's a good king? Do you think he's good for the kingdom?"

G: "Yes, I do. Though I suppose in light of recent events, you find that hard to believe."

M: "Hard? No. Impossible? Yes."

G: "Merlin—"

M: "Everyone hates him!"

G: "It is not Uther's job to be liked. It is Uther's job to protect the kingdom. Most of his methods are right. Sometimes he may go too far…"

M: "Really? You mean like executing anyone who even passes a sorcerer on the street?"

G: "Yes. Despite Uther's failings, he has brought peace and prosperity to the kingdom."

M: "_But at what cost?_ At the cost of woman and children, fathers and sons? When will it end?"

Now, I want you to go back over that conversation. This time, imagine it's about Merlin and his destiny. The women and children: Morgana and Mordred. The sons and fathers: All the nameless people he kills to protect his destiny. It's creepy how well it fits. I have this theory that actually, Merlin and Uther are very similar. Merlin is just a little better, a little less misguided, a little less heartbroken, and he listens better because he's a commoner, not a king. (The dragon is even MORE like Uther; it's scary!) There are many more ways they are alike. For example: the tempers. Morgana turns evil when she's mad. Arthur attacks dummies. Gwen cries and then lets the anger go. Uther and Merlin both… explode. Merlin blows up people, and Uther locks up people, and their tempers are a lot more destructive than anyone else's (even Morgana's).

Anyway. Gaius says that will end with Arthur's reign, and Merlin says they should let they reign begin. Gaius says that Arthur's not ready. He lacks experience and wisdom. Then he asks if Merlin needs help, but Merlin says he needs to make this decision alone. (If I was Gaius, I wouldn't let that go. Letting Merlin grow as a person does NOT extend to circumstances when someone can die.)

Uther finds Morgana and says he's sorry he opened old wounds. They agree to go visit her father's grave the next day at first light, and Morgana goes to tell the bad guys that she has him where she wants him.

Gwen and Merlin watch them as they leave. Gwen talks about how her father knew he didn't stand a chance. Merlin asks her what she would do if she had a chance to kill Uther. She says that if Uther died, she would feel nothing because he means nothing to her. But she wouldn't kill him. That would make her a murderer, as bad as him. Merlin suddenly gets it and runs to get his magic book and Sidhe staff and save the day.

Basically, Gwen just saved his soul. Whew.

Morgana and Uther ask their guards to leave them alone and go to the grave. The guards are later seen lying down on the ground (there are two of them) when Merlin stumbles by. I don't know if they are dead or unconscious. With his staff, Merlin blasts two bandits. They don't explode, but they get blasted back. I don't know if they live either, but Merlin generally goes for the kill, not unconsciousness.

Uther talks to Morgana about what a wonderful man her father was, so brave. How he saved Uther's life so many times. He says how he was a true friend that questioned Uther's judgment, something he needed. (Sounds like Merlin and Arthur, but I swear, if Arthur gets Merlin's wife pregnant…!) Morgana is feeling better, and Uther apologizes for locking her up and says he was wrong to kill Tom.

And just like that, she loves him again. They hug.

You'd think Merlin would be helping right about now. But no… Merlin tried to kill Toron, but the guy saw him coming and used his stone to reflect the spell back. (And since Merlin wakes up, I wonder if those sorcerers were just knocked out, or did the reflection lessen the spell?) Toron approaches Uther… and Morgana calls out a warning. Uther blocks his sword and the two actually get to _wrestle_.

Yes, how epic is that? They get to roll around on the ground, trying not to drop their swords, fighting. And that's awesome.

Toron tries to stab Uther ("Die, Uther Pendragon!) … But just before he can, Morgana stabs Toron in the back.

And all is happy.

What happens to the stone? They didn't just leave the stone, lost for hundreds of years, on a dead man's body? They didn't DESTROY it, did they? (And yes, this is the part that helped me with my _Assassins_idea.)

Merlin goes home, happy in his knowledge that he is not a murderer, as does Morgana.

But wait. NOT A MURDERER?

Merlin blasted two men back, and I seriously doubt they got up again. If they did, they were probably caught and arrested anyway. I think that counts as murder. They couldn't protect themselves then, even if they did plan on killing the man they saw as a tyrant. As for Morgana… she agreed to help the bad guys. If those two guards were dead (and they probably were), then she is responsible for two deaths right there. And she did stab another in the back while he thought she was his ally. Sure, he was trying to kill Uther. Well, so was she mere minutes ago.

But no one mentions any of that.

After all, it's not like they're _human_. They're _extras_ and _antagonists_.

(Do you hear disgust in my writing-voice?)

* * *

ONE

I'm so sorry about what happened to your dad. That's horrible. It actually made me mad at Uther, and that rarely happens with me.

But thank you for showing us that you are actually a very strong character. Stronger than Morgana or Uther, I think, because you have one thing they seem to lack. The power to forgive. You can control your temper. You can stay calm in bad situations, all because you are humble. And that's cool, you know. You'd better hope it rubs off on Arthur before you get it on with his best friend.

Sorry, I keep bringing that up.

I thought you were awesome in this episode, very brave. And I like knowing that in season 2, you will pull the father card on Arthur.

Sincerely, Kitty O

P.S. (Don't cheat on Arthur, wench.)

* * *

TWO

You know, just because you say you're sorry that her father died and that you have no quarrel with Gwen, that doesn't make what you do okay. You got so many innocent people killed just because they looked at you. All for what? To have enough money to bribe your way to the king?

It would be SO much easier just to find Nimueh and ask her help! She hates Uther too. Why are you stupid?

Oh, hey, is that renegade band of sorcerers disbanded? I had my application all ready…

With annoyance, Kitty O

* * *

THREE

Ah! What is that I see out of the corner of my eye? Is that… the beginnings of the dark descent for you? Oh dear!

I recently watched your actress claim that if Merlin told you about his powers, you would not have turned evil. But this episode makes me think differently. You just can't control your temper, eh? And what is this about making it all about your father? I think it's about _Gwen's_ father. Please. Keep your head in the present! Or at least when your friend is distressed. (Though, yeah, sure, it was just to get Uther out of Camelot, but still…)

However, I don't feel the need to listen to those actors all the time. The guy who plays your father says that he probably would have sent Morgana to the chopping block for her powers. See? What do they know?

Without much affection, Kitty O

* * *

FOUR

Yes, dear, killing people is wrong. It really shouldn't have taken you that long to work that out. I know you were angry over Tom's death… But his daughter had to talk you back around? I really worry about your morality sometimes… Gaius even gave you a practical reason not to let Uther die!

Killing is wrong.

And this is the same conversation I keep having to have with Uther.

Which is rather scary…

And how did the magic wake you up? Does it always do that? If so, you must NEVER sleep! I wish they explained that and didn't just make it a plot device.

Love, Kitty O

* * *

Okay, more soon! Next chapter's the last! Long enough for you?


	46. Memos s1e13

Okay, this the last chapter! Well, sort of. I know, this is the NEVERENDING story, isn't it? It's worse than my drabbles… whew. Anyway. When season 4 rolls around, I will be starting a new story called _Restrictions and Reprimands _which will be entirely season 4 memos. There will NOT be summaries there. I'll try to have a chapter to publish on _Rules _that announces it… If not, look for it the day after the first episode airs on BBC. And after season 4, I will probably not be doing season 2 memos on here. Memos are a lot of work and are also a good deal longer than most chapters I publish (if they are with the summary). Basically, this may or may not be the last ever chapter on Rules and Regulations. But I really, really hope so. All good things must come to an end before readers get fed up and throw me off of a bridge.

So, with all that being said… The season finale. Summary and Memos courtesy of Kitty O of Awesomeness.

UNDERLINED STUFF IS EXACT QUOTES.

* * *

**ANSWERS TO LAST MEMOS:**

ONE is little miss Beware the Nice Ones (well, I think so).

TWO is the person whose name I think is Tauren. (Alaia's _A Question of…_ Series is great help with the names of villains, lol.)

THREE is the Smirkinator.

FOUR is the Unicorn Magnet. (Would you people stop with the giggling? Kidding, I know you didn't giggle.)

* * *

**RUNDOWN OF "LE MORTE D'ARTHUR:"**

So, what the heck does this episode's title have to do with the episode? Arthur doesn't even DIE. Even in the legends (or the actual book entitled _Le Morte D'Arthur_), that wasn't how he died. (Right? Or am just stupid?) And this way, if they actually DO want to bring the series to the part where Arthur dies (Oh, I hope not… No way can they fit the Awesomeness of the legend that is King Arthur AND his downfall into about 13 episodes of one hour each—I'm talking series 5.)

Anyway, onto the story… Okay, if they start one more episode with them hunting, I may have to throw something across the room. Really. How many animals can Arthur kill before they all go extinct and everyone starves? Oh, and then Merlin drops something and they banter. Wow, because they never EVER start an episode like that, right? (Sarcasm, yes.) Arthur calls Merlin useless. Merlin calls Arthur rude and insensitive. Arthur actually looks hurt when he then calls Merlin irritating. Then they keep walking, and there is a second that you feel makes all their bickering worth it, because they really care about each other… There is a roar, Merlin looks ready to faint, and Arthur looks kindly as he softly tells Merlin, "It's probably more scared of you than you are of it."

…And then a giant beast jumps from behind Arthur and roars. Merlin looks like he's going to DIE, forget fainting (because men don't _faint_; they _pass out_), and Arthur does a comical double take. Everyone runs… But Merlin falls. So Arthur and one other knight (Bedivere) double back and help Merlin to his feet, and continue running. But somehow, despite the fact that Bedivere trips almost the second after helping Merlin up, no one notices that he falls behind. Not Arthur. Not Merlin. Not the other knights. They just keep running—leave poor kind, helpful Bedivere to his fate. And then as they lose the beast, Arthur asks who's missing, and Merlin looks around.

"Sir Bedivere."

A human scream rents the forest, followed by a roar. Merlin looks like… "Oh. That's where he got off to." Arthur barely flinches, just breathes hard. I nearly turned the TV off right there. I was SO MAD at Arthur and Merlin.

Bedivere saved Merlin's life. Saved it. And Merlin doesn't have the decency to return the favor… Or even really care. He'd better have put flowers on Bedivere's grave or something. *Looks really angry in Merlin's general direction*

Gaius says that the creature they saw was the Questing Beast, an omen of the old religion that foreshadows a time of great upheaval. (The last time it was seen, Ygraine died.) Uther dismisses most of the warning as an old wives' tale and orders Arthur to kill the Beast. Since Uther is pig-headed, Gaius warns Merlin (who is going with Arthur and some knights… without armor, of course) that one bite from the Questing Beast means death, no cure, for it has the power of the Old Religion over life and death.

Morgana wakes screaming from a nightmare that night, and Gwen tries to comfort her. In the morning, Arthur is out in front of the castle giving his knights a pep talk which he ends with, "For the Love of Camelot!" I'm so using that phrase from now on! Morgana then comes running out, screaming, telling Arthur he can't go. Arthur doesn't know how to react, but Merlin (who, in this episode, acts like the tough man's man that he told Gwen he secretly is) brushes it off as a nightmare and takes control. He sends her to Gaius, telling her quietly that he'll take care of Arthur.

They track the beast to a cave. Entering the cave, the knights go one way and the main characters go the other, and of course, that's where the Beast is. When they see it, Arthur pushes Merlin out of the way and prepares to fight, but he's knocked one way (and knocked out at the same time) and his sword is knocked the other. Merlin distracts the beast as it tries to chow down on Arthur dearest, and then kills it with the same blue-magic thing he did to Lancelot's spear. But on Arthur's sword. Merlin leans over Arthur, realizing that he's been bitten, and calls for help.

They all take Arthur back to Gaius's, and then the knights trip off (all of them) to tell the king what happened. Panicked, Merlin goes and gets that magic book, but Gaius tells him to put it away—the king is coming!

Then we get this, delivered with emotions varying from teary to determined:

Merlin: He can't die; it's my destiny! We haven't done all the things we were meant to do. (Sigh. Slasher line, a bit.)

Gaius: That is the lament of all men. (Deep!)

Merlin: Gaius… He's my friend.

Gaius: (pause) Then save him.

Merlin tries different spells, but no dice. Eventually he has to stop when Uther runs in.

Now, if you tell me you hate Uther in this scene, I will tell you that you are a heartless person who has no respect for a father's love for his son. I mean that. If you review saying that, I will tell you that word for word. (Watch someone say it now, just for the heck of it.) I mean, Uther comes running in crying, "Where's my son?" And after he talks to Gaius in a worried voice for bit about saving him, he picks up Arthur and goes to carry him to his chambers. But he only gets halfway across the courtyard before he breaks down, crying, falling to his knees. The knights have to finish carrying Arthur. (Imagine being Bradley in that scene. Can't be easy to act dead throughout that.)

IT'S… (drumroll, please)… DRAGON TIME!

Merlin: Oh, dragon, I have failed!

Dragon: Well, not yet. You fail when Arthur stops breathing. Which is any second now, so I think I'll sit here and talk in riddles while you angst over what I could possibly advise you to do.

Merlin: I will do anything! (that's quoted, right there…)

Dragon: Anything? (Strokes beard in villain-esque manner.) Anything you say? Let me think of something properly diabolical, then, to answer that desperate plea…

Merlin: I'm on a time limit here. 45 minute episode, remember?

Dragon: Oh, fine. Go to the Isle of the Blessed and save Arthur.

You can stop drumrolling now.

Gaius doesn't want him to go, and tells Merlin about the whole _life for a life_ thing. There are no exceptions for the life for a life. None. Not one. The Old Religion doesn't make exceptions. (Unless, of course, you are Sir Leon, but then no one needs die. Unless those already-dead knights in 3.12 counted.) Merlin insists that "Whatever the price is, I will pay it gladly." Which rather made me want to cuddle him.

As he prepares to leave on his horse, Gaius gives him a map and a rabbit's foot—which was a gift from Gaius's mother. And all I'm thinking is… Who's horse in Merlin using? Did he ask permission? Did he rent it? Did he buy it, and if so, when did he get it?

Arthur is lying in his bed, a cloth wrapped around his shoulder, sweating and shifting and groaning. Uther touches his hair and asks him to sleep, and he calms. Have I mentioned I adore Arthur? Later, Gaius sits by Arthur. Much later, Gwen relieves him, and while she tends to Arthur (totally hugging on his hand, which isn't exactly appropriate, but… Like one of you Arthur fangirls wouldn't grab the opportunity.) We then get the man-he-is-inside speech, and she even mentions he'll be a great king.

Uther watches the people keep a vigil with candles outside. Gaius comes up to him.

Uther: He will not recover.

Gaius: Not without a miracle.

Uther: I don't believe in miracles.

Gaius: You're also dumb enough to believe that Merlin's a harmless peasant boy.

Uther: Point taken.

Merlin takes a boat that steers itself to the Isle and goes to the altar there.

Merlin: Hello? Anyone there?

Nimueh: Me.

Merlin: YOU! How can you help me? You tried to kill me! And Arthur! And Uther, too, actually, not that he matters, really.

Nimueh: Yeah, but then I went and talked to the dragon or looked into my crystal ball and found about your destiny and junk, so now we can be friends. Besides, It was never Arthur's destiny to die at my hands.

Merlin: You know that making him helpless and then sic-ing your pet spiders on him counts as killing him, right? Otherwise you could stab him and leave him to bleed to death, then claim you didn't kill him. And that wouldn't really fly with the Old Religion.

Nimueh: Hey! It made sense at the time!

Merlin: Whatever. I willingly give my life for Arthur's.

She then twists the conversation in a way that what he actually ends up saying next is that he'll give up ANYTHING. Now, she could have taken some random guy off the street's life and then Merlin would never have found out about it, and if he did, he probably wouldn't care (like Bedivere). Okay, sorry, I know Merlin isn't that cold-hearted; it just bugs me. The point is, she should have done that if she wanted Merlin as an ally. What she actually did (let me just say, killing his mother) was a really dumb way to get him to help. Then she gives him water from the Cup of Life (little like the Holy Grail, right?) to give Arthur.

He goes home and gives it to Gaius.

Merlin: Here! Go save Arthur!

Gaius: What price? Whose life did you bargain?

Merlin: It's going to be alright. And hey, Gaius, if I start choking and spluttering and dying in the near future, there is no need to fret. I do that from time to time. It means nothing.

They give it to Arthur and tell Uther it is an ancient remedy for poisonous bites. They leave Uther hovering over Arthur, and as Merlin walks out, Morgana's hand sneaks out of an alcove and she warns him that this is only the beginning. Merlin pulls away.

Morgana: Merlin, really, I had a dream about this. Things will get worse. And some dragon will be calling your name. Do you know a dragon…?

Merlin: Um, no. Besides, you gotta stop pulling me into these alcoves. You'll give me a heart attack. Or start some really interesting rumors.

When Arthur wakes up, Uther is napping in a chair with his head on Arthur's bed. He's staring in confusion when Uther wakens. (After they talk a bit, Uther leaves to tell the people, and Gwen comes in. She's happy to see Arthur awake, but denies she said anything about that man-inside when he remembers it. And that's the scene where Arthur has his arm out towards her as he lies on his bed, drawling, "_Guin-_evere…" It's positively blush/squeal worthy, Arwen fan or no.)

Gaius tells Merlin that Arthur lives. Merlin looks happy—and then sobers when he realizes he should drop dead soon. However, he does wake up the next morning… And when he goes to announce he's alive, he finds Gaius leaning over his mother, who is sick. Disgustingly so… She's covered in boils. I have no idea why… If anything, shouldn't she have a bite in her shoulder?

Merlin: I bargained my life, not my mother's! Nimueh tricked me! I didn't see that one coming!

And now… DRAGON TIME AGAIN!

Merlin: You knew this would happen.

Dragon: Eh. Pretty much. But it's whatever, right? I mean, she doesn't mean all that much to you.

Merlin: You are very, very stupid for someone so old and wise.

Dragon: Hey, it's all okay between the two of us, right? Because we're kin! Magic! Fistbump!

Merlin: The only family I have is my mother, and you had me murder her! 

Dragon: Technically I had you okay _Nimueh_ murdering her…

Merlin: I'm pretty much leaving and not ever coming back. Until the first episode of next season, anyway. And don't bother breathing fire at me as I leave… That won't do anything but make me mad and endanger your chances of getting back in my good books.

Merlin goes back to Gaius and tells her that he's going to trade his life for his mother's, now. He's all for playing mortal musical chairs. Let's see who dies this round! But first he wants to tell Arthur goodbye.

(Can I note right here that the finales of _Merlin_ seasons always seem to be "appreciate Gaius" episodes?)

Anyway, the goodbye to Arthur is as follows:

Merlin: Hey, Arthur? Mind if I come in and have a talk to you about how you'll be a great king someday, but to learn to listen as well as you fight, as well as some other pointers? And then tell you a few other things about getting other servants and how I'm happy to be your servant till the day I die, things that sound extremely ominous?

Arthur: No, go ahead. Shoot.

Merlin: Oh… that was about it. Oh, and my mother is dying. But I'm not going to mention that to you.

Arthur: Okay, then. I'll sit here and drink wine and look perplexed, wondering idly why it sounds like you're about to go off and commit suicide or something.

(Merlin leaves and goes to where Gwen is watching over his mother, who is sleeping in his bed.)

Merlin: You have such a good heart, Gwen. Don't ever lose that. Now leave while I talk to my mother. Mother? Hey. Let me now have a conversation with you that is about death, but leaves it open so that you assume you're going to die, and I know it's actually me that's going to die. Oh, and let me always mention polytheism while I'm here so that Kitty O can be really confused as to what religion my family practices anyway. (Hunith mentions "God" in season 1 episode 1.)

Hunith: *looks sick*

Before Merlin can leave, though, Gaius goes to the Isle alone. Merlin finds a letter he left, which mentions… a lot of stuff that I'm not going to go into, but it's basically goodbye. Though he does say that very little of his (Gaius's) life will be remembered, which I find humorous because Gaius isn't actually in the legends. (And also because I'm a terrible person.)

Merlin screams "NO!" and rides out of Camelot as Morgana watched nervously from her window.

Gaius goes to Nimueh and tells her that he wants to trade his life for Hunith's so Merlin doesn't have to. Nimueh… taunts him. I don't think she's in a single scene/episode where she doesn't taunt someone… What is her problem? She also asks if he's really willing to trade his life for the future Merlin will bring. Gaius isn't. But he is willing to trade it for Merlin.

Merlin shows up as she is standing in the rain over Gaius's huddled body with the Cup of Life held up.

Merlin: Did you kill him?

Nimueh: No, he's napping. Duh, I killed him. He said to.

Merlin: I bid MY life for Arthur's, not my mother's, not Gaius's! And if you missed that, you are an IDIOT!

Nimueh: Hey, but I didn't want to waste your destiny. And your mother's okay now… Isn't that what you wanted? Now you can join me!

Merlin: What is about the fact that I don't want ANY of my friends to die that you find so hard to grasp? Or the fact that I _hate_ you? Or the fact that I'm insanely loyal, and you can't expect me to join you after what you just did?

Nimueh: Um… emotions kinder than hatred confuse me.

Merlin: I'm just going to totally flip out, decide to take vengeance for my dead friend, and throw a fireball at you, despite the fact that taking revenge really makes me little better than you.

Nimueh blocks the fire and sends it back at Merlin. Merlin ducks. Nimueh throws another one after he refused to join her again and hits his chest. He has a huge hole in his shirt, and he looks dead. But as she walks away, he stands up and blasts her. With lightning. Yeah.

And epic as that is, he just did that in order to make himself feel better because Nimueh killed Gaius. Hm. You know who that sounds like? Uther. Nimueh. Edwin. Mary Collins. Morgana after Tom's death. Tristan. The man who hires the assassin in season 2. I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

Merlin cries over Gaius, but there is no need. It starts raining all over Nimueh-ashes and the two men, and Gaius comes back to life!

DRAGON TIME!

Dragon: No! Merlin! No! No! I know you can't hear me but I'll scream anyway! No!

Morgana: (wakes up in a panic from a nightmare)

End.

Okay, two points to make.

So, if Arthur now has Hunith's life, and Hunith has Gaius's, and Gaius has Nimueh's, and Nimueh is dead, then how the heck did Merlin's life stay out of all the swapping? And will Merlin ever explain this to Arthur or Hunith? And who took the cookie from the cookie jar? Was it you? (Yes, you.)

Also, why does no one wonder that Arthur's manservant kept disappearing during this? And how long does it take to the Isle? Mere hours? Because… I mean, with Arthur so sick, you'd think they'd look for Merlin to help out! And the second time Arthur must wonder where his servant is with his dinner. (I bet he came to the conclusion that Merlin committed suicide. And he did nothing, because he's not very smart, you know.)

* * *

ONE

You're dead! Finally! Finally! *gloats*

Oops, channeling you there. Seriously, you have the worst way of making friends. If I brought you flowers, would you repay me by murdering my fantasy-hating father and trying to claim that it was what I wanted all along? And then ask me to help you take over the world? See, it doesn't work that way. As a reviewer (I think it was Owl Watcher) once said… You really need to attend that Evil Lecture I gave the other baddies.

Though I do admit… It would have been kind of him to leave a body to bury or something. What if you didn't like the idea of cremation?

Sincerely,

Kitty O

* * *

TWO

Do you ever worry about that son of yours? I do. And I think you should. He nearly dies every week.

You need to get more involved in his life. Oh, and teach him better morals.

By the way, when did you catch the sickness? Did you get it after the deal was struck? Did you start walking to Camelot after you caught it or before? How long does it take to get from Ealdor to Camelot anyway? And why'd you come to Camelot anyway? You can walk when you're that sick? This doesn't make any sense to me. I don't understand the way they made the times work.

Sincerely,

Your son's girlfriend

* * *

THREE

You really weaved in and out of this episode, but you didn't do much. You gave warnings and stuff, worried a bit, and learned lots of things through your magic that could really give away Merlin's I'm-not-a-warlock façade. I'm not really sure why they didn't do something with that plot idea in the show, but whatever.

Stop pulling my boyfriend into alcoves before I get jealous.

I like your hair.

Sincerely,

Kitty

* * *

FOUR

My time limit is drawing close. I just wanted to mention a few things before I go.

One, you really need to stop murdering. Especially when it isn't even roughly looking like self defense. If I berate you one more time, the reviewers will get angry at me. (They think you're perfect.) At least you usually have a good reason…

Two, how many shirts do you have? Just ruined one…

Three, that should make quite an impressive scar. It's okay, chicks dig that.

Four, eat more. Seriously man. Do you even cast a shadow when you turn sideways?

Love,

Kitty O

* * *

**ANSWERS TO THESE MEMOS:**

Nimueh, Hunith, Morgana, Merlin.

* * *

That's all! Consider reviewing, since it is the last time? (Hopefully for real this time!) I hope you enjoyed it. I worked hard.

I love you all, NRKOA! You are amazing people!


	47. Undead Rights

There can obviously not be even one season without something undead… or something dead in the living world.

I think that's unkind to the dead things. I mean, when I'm dead, I would like to remain that way, you know? Please, Morgana, don't bring me back. I don't want to be cloudy and wispy and attack people for no good reason. I want to be dead when I'm dead.

I bet they do too.

I bet they just want to be dead again, and they are attacking angrily because they don't know whose fault it is.

Everyone wants to stick up for the minorities these days? Well, what about the undead Merlin people? They are (technically) a minority. We need to start a petition to make the baddies leave them alone!

All that is a long way to say, Season 4 is here, and so are memos! My new story is called "Restrictions and Reprimands". Yes, I'm sticking with the RaR theme. Thanks!


End file.
